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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:

CirclesWithinCircles · 28/04/2021 10:54

What does "very slight" mean?

I'm sporty and my friends who do the same sport are often mistaken for being younger than we are by people who are not perhaps so sporty.

I'd be pretty weirded out if someone described me as "very slight" simply for being slim though. There's an element to these remarks by the OP that hint towards the person in question not being fully developed which makes me uncomfortable.

I do kniw someone who genuinely has a developmental disorder which inhibited the growth of secondary sexual characteristics and in her late twenties was often mistaken for being 13 or 14. But it was very obvious physically and when speaking to her, you were in no doubt of her real age. She is horrendously embarrassed by any comments about her age.

She is about the only person I'd describe as being "very slight", but even her, now that she is in her mid thirties, wouldn't pass for 19 in a group of otherwise similarly aged people.

BertramLacey · 28/04/2021 11:42

Yes. I clubbed together with some friends doing a 2nd-hand tack sale. I took along some jodhpurs which were in good condition but I was no longer using them. One woman held up a pair and said 'what size are these?' I replied 'oh, they're mine, they're about a size 10'. She gave me a scathing look up and down and said 'oh, I thought they were maids'. It was just so clearly intended to say 'I thought you were barely pubescent'. Well fuck you love, there's nothing wrong with being slim. It's the same attitude as 'real women have curves'.

Original poster

TrinidadQueen · 28/04/2021 12:41

Just to be clear, she didn't actually cry. Just looked like she was going to do so.
When I say slight I mean about 5'2 and around 8 stone. It's not unusual for a grown woman to be that size but coupled with the very young face and shyness as well as the casual clothing, it made her seem like a teen. No offence was intended on my part obviously. There was no malice at all in it.

OP posts:

CirclesWithinCircles · 28/04/2021 13:11

@TrinidadQueen

Just to be clear, she didn't actually cry. Just looked like she was going to do so. When I say slight I mean about 5'2 and around 8 stone. It's not unusual for a grown woman to be that size but coupled with the very young face and shyness as well as the casual clothing, it made her seem like a teen. No offence was intended on my part obviously. There was no malice at all in it.

So in other words, she's the same height and weight as me. Not "very slight" either. I'm a size 8/10, which is a standard size in the shops and not difficult to obtain. I don't have to go to a "very slight" or "child-sized" section to buy clothes to fit.

What sort of world do you live in OP? Maybe you were doing something to make her come across as shy, such as staring at her or looking her up and down, and she was actually desperate to get away from you and you friend, not "very shy"?

I think you need to meet more people, builds and sizes vary.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/04/2021 13:13

When I say slight I mean about 5'2 and around 8 stone
This is not child size.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/04/2021 13:54

Why would you ask someone if they are at university? Lots of 19 year olds are not (my daughter wasn’t as she was too unwell). Such a question is likely to cause upset, of itself, in many cases. For that reason alone I think you are unreasonable as it would have been an insensitive question even were she 19. Even more so given she wasn’t. Suggests an approach that is generally ill attuned.

RedToothBrush · 28/04/2021 14:02

@TrinidadQueen

Just to be clear, she didn't actually cry. Just looked like she was going to do so. When I say slight I mean about 5'2 and around 8 stone. It's not unusual for a grown woman to be that size but coupled with the very young face and shyness as well as the casual clothing, it made her seem like a teen. No offence was intended on my part obviously. There was no malice at all in it.

Well what a surprise.

Also you percieve her reaction as 'almost crying' but she didn't. And others have said she was childish for the reaction she never actually had.

Its all because of the infantilatisation of women who are that size and the attitude and expectation that they will behave like children even if they are older.

I can tell you what, I damn well can't fit into kids clothes. And no I'm not in anyway carrying extra weight.

Its prejudice. Its fucking annoying to live with. All the guff about it being a compliment primarily comes from people who don't live with it daily and don't get treated poorly because of it.

Its everything from blokes thinking you are fair game to push in front of in the queue. To other women thinking they are above you in the pecking order. Believe me they do not like it when you act out of stereotype. And you have to do so will full force or you don't taken seriously.

No offence was on your part but you think its ok to speak down to small women because you think you are above them. Maybe you might want to think about that.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/04/2021 14:03

Maybe you were doing something to make her come across as shy, such as staring at her or looking her up and down, and she was actually desperate to get away from you and you friend, not "very shy"?
Yes, the assumption of very shy is interesting in itself.

beginningoftheend · 28/04/2021 16:16

@TrinidadQueen

Just to be clear, she didn't actually cry. Just looked like she was going to do so. When I say slight I mean about 5'2 and around 8 stone. It's not unusual for a grown woman to be that size but coupled with the very young face and shyness as well as the casual clothing, it made her seem like a teen. No offence was intended on my part obviously. There was no malice at all in it.

Your updates are making you sound worse.

If I were you I'd try to accept you made a social faux pas, that no major harm was done but you did make someone feel uncomfortable - and then focus energies on not doing it again.

Just don't make personal remarks or assumptions, ask polite, open questions instead

celandiney · 28/04/2021 22:33

I'd be offended,she will almost certainly get this aaall the time.
And mistaking 37 for 32 is a compliment. Mistaking 37 for 19 is saying " wow,you look immature...."
And the people in this situation who aren't upset by it will be fed up to the back teeth with it.( yes,this does happen to members of my family...)

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