to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

You NEED to have a chat with them about boundaries. Also, a realistic idea of when they’ll be moving home.

YABU for being angry about it given you have obviously not agreed any ground rules.

You decide what you want then tell your parents.

Also stop letting them evade moving out date discussions.

Time to return the strict boundaries, reclaim your living room and give them a leaving date.

You need to have the conversation with them. They're treating your home as theirs; you need to remind them that it isn't!

Foot down time- it’s your and DHs home. Family meeting round table - lay the rules down, write them down, stick them on the fridge if you feel ignored/ not listened to. Do not leave the table until you have a move out date

Put your foot down and remind them whose house it actually is.

Tell them to go. No messing around.

Give them a deadline for moving out. Tough shit if their house isn't ready, they will have to pay for somewhere 🤷🏼‍♀️

Boundaries. Give them 2 weeks notice to leave. They can rent or find a hotel. They won't move until you kick them out. Be prepared for a huge fall out. If you don't do anything, they will continue to use your home as an extension of their own. You are still a child in their eyes and that is why they do not respect you or your space.

I don't think you have a duty of care towards them. They aren't broke/frail/ill, it's purely that they have decided to move out of their home while there are building works. Yes, it was lovely of you to volunteer to have them in your home but you shouldn't have felt that you were obliged to offer.

You need to talk to them about the effect it's having on you and your partner. Tell them they've had the 4 months and now they need to make alternative arrangements. Tell them every day if they won't accept it first time. But I find it hard to imagine they'd just ignore it if you said "Your being here was lovely but now it's affecting my mental health. I need my space. We need our space. "

Your partner must have the patience of a saint to have lived with them all this time...!

@Lionsdinner Yep a BIG chat needs to be had.

How are things now?

Panama is right. And no visitors to your home without your agreement. And if there's a fall out, so be it. There's going to be one anyway because one day you will explode

My god OP YANBU.

You need to join forces with your DH and sit down and ask how much longer will this be as you feel boundaries are being crossed. It won't be easy but they will keep taking the piss if it don't

What panama said. No ifs no buts.

Yanbu to not want your parents to be inviting people.to your house but I think YABU to complain about it when it seems that you haven't actually set any ground rules that say they can't invite your brother round.

Firstly I would sit them down and ask them exactly how much longer the house was going to take - their 4 months was up in January so they have been with you for double the amount of time expected which is an inconvenience - and if it is anything longer than a few weeks I would say that

I personally don’t see the problem. Your Mum buys your food, cooked you all a lovely meal, and I presume you didn’t need to wash up either as you never mentioned that. I think when you invite family over you do need to expect them to treat your home like an extension of there’s to an extent. The only thing I’d pick up on is the cleanliness - they should keep the spaces they use tidy. But I’d allow everything else.

In fact I’d think it would have been more unreasonable for them to go out for a nice long pub lunch somewhere with your DB and his GF (or do a meal privately with them) as you’re hosting them.

Your parents see you as a mere child with them as the real grown ups

*oops posted too soon!

... I would say that they had to leave by a set date - if their house is not ready by then then that is their issue - they've been living rent and bill free for the last 7 months so they should be able to afford a hotel/short term rental.

After that I would then clarify that whilst they might be your parents, this is your home and so they need to respect that. If they want to invite people over then they need to at least inform you, if not outright ask. If you want a quiet night on the sofa you should be able to ask them to make themselves scarce so you can enjoy your own house - if they don't like it then they are welcome to leave.

Notice that your parents got the structural work done in the expectation that they could manoeuver you into putting them up while it was going on
They see you as things to be owned and controlled rather than people in your own right

You don't have a "duty of care" towards your parents. You really, really, really don't.

They are perfectly capable of looking after themselves, that much is plain.

Look after yourself, and look after your relationship with your fiancé. You are an adult, you are a separate person from your parents, you get to say what happens in your home.

The thing is, I did tell my mum I didn’t want the girlfriend round. She asked me a week or two before when she had once again invited my brother over and said she better check. I said no. She then also mentioned that my brother had asked if his girlfriend is invited to our wedding (planned before he even knew her). My mum apparently said she doesn’t see why not as it’s in a pub and anyone can go to the pub.
My wedding is in an exclusive use bar with a number limitation and I am paying for everything. We have cut down people already because CORONAVIRUS.

I don't think you are entitled to be furious at your mum for buying food and making a huge meal for her children. If you invite your parents to live with you, of course they are going to want their other adult child to visit.
I think the issue is you have let her take the position of dominance and control in your home - they get the living room, they don't tell you about visitors. No wonder your DP is frustrated- my DH would have packed his bags by now.
I agree with everyone else, you need a serious talk about boundaries and timescale, and how your father calls you unkind names.

@GrumpyHoonMain my mum didn’t cook us a dinner. It was pure coincidence we got home for when the dinner was set. They would have had the dinner without us knowing. The food she cooked I couldn’t eat and so I just sat there having to hide my pure anger as I just wanted to go to bed.

In the nicest possible way op, you need to grow a backbone and tell them! Quietly seething will do nothing, only show her that she can carry on doing this as you won’t say anything! You’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on your relationship with your poor dp for no reason. Tell them they need to move out before you do any irreplaceable damage to your relationship with your dp.

I think you are being unreasonable about her inviting your brother over and cooking dinner. She thinks she is living there now and that is a normal thing to do.

But they have outstayed their welcome and it is time you talked to them about moving out.