to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

[quote Lionsdinner]@BrumBoo apparently it’s almost done! When I ask for a date I am treated like ive offended them and they say they don’t know yet[/quote]
So stop asking and start acting like an adult. They won't just magically get up and go if you're bending over backwards, letting them get away with their behaviour and silently seething about it.

Tell them a date to be out by stick to it and start acting like the grown up who owns the house rather than the child who is living with your parents.

Can you imagine the outrage if someone's PILS moved in indefinitely? How can you put your partner through this when your parents refused to have him to stay at their house. You need to side with him for once and give your parents a date to move out. You sound like you are still putting up with their controlling behaviour even though you are an adult.

I'd just say "well if it's almost done you can move back and just put up with the last bits." There's no excuse OP my DP are having work done on their house they have no kitchen, no bathroom (apart from a port a loo on the drive!), and litteratly two rooms they can use and they're still happily living there with the work going on. They are taking the piss tell them they need to leave by Friday.
They are abusing your good nature just like they did growing up and it's wrong, so wrong.

I've name changed for this as it's well it's outing.

Honestly if I were you I would be making moves to get your parents out of your house. Here's my tale which hopefully helps you see your husband's side.

My in law came over one night and asked to stay as she had fell out with her house mate.

10 months later she was still on our settee.

Like you no rent asked for but did buy food, mind you I could count the number of times on one hand she made a meal for us.
I felt like a stranger in my own home, in the morning I couldn't just go down for a cuppa in front of the TV as she was sleeping in there, I couldn't just watch TV at anytime as she was always there and there would be comments about the program. I hated even going into the kitchen to do anything, and also felt like I had to say if I was going out etc.
We lived in our bedroom basically.

No moves to go home, and when finally moved into a rented place she announced it one day and expected us to help move everything that weekend.

I'm still very bitter about it and frankly if it had gone on longer I think I would have walked out our house and marriage. My husband was torn between me and his mam, and I felt awful for him but my mental health was taking such a bad turn and we were arguing loads.
The worst, his mother could see and hear us arguing but she still just stayed.

Tell them they need to go, surely the house is now in a habitable state. Even if they just sleep there on an evening and use yours for food/washing it will give some respite.

[quote Lionsdinner]@BrumBoo apparently it’s almost done! When I ask for a date I am treated like ive offended them and they say they don’t know yet[/quote]
If it's almost done they can go back now then can't they? Have you been round to see it?

Stop asking for a date. Say

Parents, we need to discuss when you’re moving out. It’s been over 4 months now and I need my home back before the wedding. Finding brother & his girlfriend here was really the last straw because I told you not to invite them and you did it behind my back - it’s really disrespectful to me and DP in our own home. You need to move out by 10th May - that’s 2 weeks - so you need to get the builders to prioritise the jobs left.

Have you seen their house and the works? How do you know it's not completed and they're just putting it off for a easy life?

Oh, and go round to have a look at their house. Stop being fobbed off. Sure, you’ll offend them but they don’t mind offending you, do they?

The thing is, I did tell my mum I didn’t want the girlfriend round. She asked me a week or two before when she had once again invited my brother over and said she better check. I said no

I think you're entitled to treat this as the last straw. Inviting someone to your house when you have specifically said you don't want her there is well beyond any normal boundaries. Tell them that you accept that they can see who they want to see, but not when they know that you don't want those people in your house; and that in the interests of your relationship with them, they really need to move out now.

So your partner wasn't welcome to stay at their house and neither was your dog but it's ok for them to come and take over your house?! Have a chat today don't delay and don't be afraid to mention how hypocritical they are.

I agree with Brumboo. Can you contact the company or go round and see how far it's got to go. It's convenient for them to live with you - just food - no bills. I don't think there is a rush for them to move back.

You need to plan a proper sit down meeting, all four of you. If you are asking in passing whilst she is doing something else or pretending to to be busy or distracted you will never get a proper answer.

Write down the things you've said here - go I to the meeting with some notes and facts.
You agreed to mum for four months, then it was the two of them and the dog and their things and has been 6 months plus. They are inviting strangers into the house (brothers girlfriend) when you have said 'No' etc.

Good luck OP

I don’t think focusing on whether the house is nearly ready is the way forward. They could always say, “We just want this last thing to be done - it honestly won’t take long.”

Then they’ll say they thought they might as well get something else done while the builders are on site - there will be no end.

Tell them you and your DH have talked about it and it’s no longer working and you need them to move out at the end of the month. Tell them the stress of having them staying is negatively impacting on your relationship with them, so it’s best they go. Give them a specific date, and offer to help them pack their things.

You need to agree an approach with your partner and then the 4 of you sit down so your parents can't avoid the conversation or misinterpret anything.
Write it down if that would help
I'd give them 2 weeks to move out.

Explain that you want your home back, that inviting people round when you have asked them not to is disrespectful, and if they are offended, they are offended
If the work on their house isn't completed they have 2 weeks to find an air bnb

On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards.

This is where you’re stuck.

In reality, you have no duty of care to your parents at all. They don’t sound frail, and even if they were they are not your responsibility. They have caused you a lot of emotional harm from the sounds of it, and are treating you appallingly now. You have no status with them whatsoever. They don’t respect you at all, despite all you’ve done for them; they certainly don’t see you as an equal.

The thing is, you can’t make them change. You can’t make them respect you. The fact they don’t respect you is nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. This is dysfunction, and they caused it, not you.

The only thing you can do is set boundaries. It sounds like you’ve tried but they just ignore you. So you’re going to have to enforce them, one way or another. You need to tell them what does and doesn’t work for you, what you will and won’t accept, and be prepared to back it up with actions.

There’s an acronym for the state of mind of being caught like this, in thrall to your parents - FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That acronym exists because it’s so common. Head over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships and start looking at the stories there: some will surely resonate. You might want to post there.

More than anything, you need to acknowledge that you’re dealing with people who don’t behave well, and who won’t behave any better unless forced. And act accordingly. Either you accept this is how they are, and you live with it, and suffer the impact on yourself and your marriage. Or you say no, set firm boundaries, and live with whatever fallout there is from that.

It’s a shit choice, I know, but there is no “make them be decent, reasonable people I can have a healthy relationship with” option, sadly. As all too many of us on MN have found out with our own ‘D’Ps.

@gamerchick

You're focusing on the wrong shit OP. This isn't about brothers or dinners. It's about you having had enough of sponging parents who don't respect you as an adult.

Ask them when they're going home and take it from there. If it's an age away then ask them if they would like help in finding a rental.

This. Your partner has the patience of a saint.

Would ask them when they're going home, but TELL them when they need to be out and if you're unable to do so, then your partner needs to.

Tell them to go

I've been in your shoes. The guest doesn't get to have guests.

You and DH should sit together with them and say "you must leave by x date".

OP it sounds like you've spent your life being compliant and falling in with their wishes, so they have no reason to think now is any different.
If you want them to go you need to give them a deadline (I would think two weeks is fair) and don't negotiate. "It's almost complete" - Do you need help with packing? "We just need a few more weeks" - Consider living with works if you'd prefer that to a short-term rental. "What about the dog?" Here's the number for the kennels we use. Etc.
The renovation is not relevant, nor is your brother. The only focus to the conversation should be - This situation is no longer workable, you need to leave by X date.
If you are not willing to have that conversation with them, then you need to accept they will not leave until they choose. It's very unfair on your DH if that is the case - they are your problem, not his.

When they go, make sure they return ALL keys to your home.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

When they go, make sure they return ALL keys to your home.

I'd change the locks. They might have made copies.

As I've said on other threads, my DH has my back & as a result, we're still together after 25 years of family batshitery from both sides.

Choose wisely.

They can move in with brother or start paying rent

Kick them out now! I'd also go no contact. They sound awful.

Batshittery is my new word!

In real terms though, I think you should tell them how you feel when you've calmed down. Don't let them bully you as you're doing them a massive favour for free. Tell them you need clarity on their moving out date and that it's having an impact on your life and wellbeing

Tell them to sit in their own room and watch telly if you want to watch something else - it's your house, and don't forget that

Good luck and be brave

Yes can't they live with your dB for awhile. My parents stayed with us for 2 weeks once that was enough

I think boundaries are no use here, you might need to just say they'll need to find alternative accommodation by x date.