to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

If I was your husband I'd have left by now. They wouldn't allow him to stay at theirs - but you let them stay at yours. They wouldn't allow your dog at theirs - but theirs is staying at yours.

You're putting your abusive parents in front of your lovely DP. I can understand why, but you need to stop it. I would discuss it with DP, and come up with a plan so he feels you are listening to him - but you need to be the one to do it.

Are you really prepared to scupper your marriage before it has even got started?

I would be very angry with you if I was your DP, and in fact would have told your Ps to leave.

You do NOT have a 'duty of care' to your parents due to them deciding to upgrade and improve their house. Whatever made you think that? You might rightfully feel a need to support them if one was seriously ill or incapacitated, but not due t home improvements!

They have put you at risk by breaking COVID rules, they are completely disrespecting you and your home, and as a result causing you to have no respect or consideration for your poor partner.

Stop trying to contain your anger, stopping people over hearing, carting on about the (clear) injustice over dogs, and deal with this directly and assertively. And honestly.

Tell them the original deadline is up, it is not fair to expect your DP to share his home for this length of time, and as they do not even respect your boundaries, you need them to move out within 7 days.

They can g to an AirB'N'B. Or a hotel, or back to their own house - it doesn't matter, it isn't your responsibility.

Come on OP - your DP deserves better, and so do you.

Ah god @Lionsdinner just reading this gives me the rage on your behalf.

But honestly the main issue here is lack of communication and lack of respecting boundaries. You NEED to tell them!

You need to tell that that you’ve loved having them there but that you and do need your own space back asap (give them a deadline) tell them that until that deadline you don’t want them to invite anyone else into your home as you’re struggling to relax as it is with them there without the additional pressure of unexpected visits being foisted onto you. You don’t need to enter into any kind of discussion and if they start trying to guilt you by saying things like ‘we brought you up and you lived with us for x number of years etc’ just shut it down and keep saying ‘that’s irrelevant, you are guests in our home and we expect to have our wishes respected under our own roof’ you can fluff it up around the edges but don’t get sucked into a tit for tat exchange of petty instances when they’ve annoyed you... deadline for leaving and in the meantime, no guests, end off.

You need to boot this pair of c*'s out of your house yesterday OP

* The food she cooked I couldn’t eat and so I just sat there having to hide my pure anger as I just wanted to go to bed.*

I strongly suspect that you didn’t do a very good job of hiding your “pure anger”!

My parents said they'd settle any bills at the end, so I am awaiting that

Good luck with that too; if they won't chip in at all while with you they're unlikely to when and if they leave

Most likely their money will be "all tied up in the house" or you'll get a lecture on how much it cost to raise you - probably both

@Itsabeautifulday81

* The food she cooked I couldn’t eat and so I just sat there having to hide my pure anger as I just wanted to go to bed.*

I strongly suspect that you didn’t do a very good job of hiding your “pure anger”!

And why should she?

Seriously just tell them to leave, no explanation, no justification, just keep repeating 'get out of my house now now'
With a bit of luck they'll be so offended they never speak to you again
job done✔️

DP is being patient but equally very difficult (perhaps justified) and won't say anything to them but expects me to.

He's right. It's your job, they're your parents.

OP in the nicest possible way, grow up. There's a difference between a duty of care and being a mug. You may have started off thinking you were in the first camp, but you are now in the second. Your parents haven't respected you your whole life and they haven't changed. Get them out pronto, if their house isn't ready they'll have to find an Air B&B - just like DP had to.

Why the fuck should you feel obligation because they are your parents when they feel none to you who is their child?

This is time to tell them they have to go or shut up moaning. They should be treating you as an adult as you are one but you also need to start behaving as one.

@FuckyouCovid21

I understand it's a bit of a pain having them there now but it was her son and his girlfriend they invited round - not some randomers. I don't think they should have to ask permission to ask people round but they should definitely check it's ok...you were out all day after all.

But they have definitely overstayed their welcome, that's the most important thing here, it sounds like they have got far too comfortable

Of course they should ask permission, it's the OPs house and there's a pandemic still ongoing. They shouldn't even be there anyway, so inviting people around to a house that has nothing to do with you is just an absolute pisstake. They don't have permission to be there, never mind their useless son and his girlfriend-of-the-moment.

Wow, makes me so cross reading this. OP you need to be very careful or your family will drag you down. You are a grown woman about to marry, you need to put you and your DP first. Well done on your new job and getting on the housing ladder. You should be really proud of yourself.

I had a great friend years ago from a difficult background, most didn’t work, stole cars, stuff like that. She was a real star, had great drive, v smart. Got a great degree in economics, went into corporate finance and started earning great money, bought an apartment in London. She had one weakness, wanting her family to be proud of her. Never happened. They managed to drag her right back down. They just kept chipping away, I tried and tried to make her see what they were doing but had to walk away after about 15 years of it. She is 50 now and back renting in her home town, she is frustrated and unhappy and at their beck and call. It just kills me.

You need to start making some tough decisions. Best of luck.

You need to be the one to speak to your parents. but that doesn't mean your DP can't be there to back you up. Tell you DP how you are feeling about it all and that you want to bring it to a head with your parents but that you need his support. You need to present a united front, but it IS your responsibility to be the one to lead the conversation.

It is not going to be easy, you have been conditioned to please your parents to your own detriment, but now it is time to start putting yourself and your relationship with your DP first.

OP, seriously WHAT are you doing?
I’m basically the same age as you with a toddler and another on the way. My DM spends a lot of time at our home as dotes on DS and my DF (they’re still married btw) visits occasionally.

My DM and I are very close and it has been a struggle to adapt to my stage of life changing but we’ve managed. There is no excuse for not having boundaries! Mine are;

• This is my house not yours

And

• I am the parent not you

My DM wanders freely around our home, helps herself to any food/drink and generally behaves as though she lives here which is perfectly lovely but she would NEVER start reorganising cupboards or invite people over without my direct permission. That’s where knowing the boundaries come in.

Equally she occasionally goes head to head with me over DS. Most recently thinking he shouldn’t watch TV (just a few episodes of duggee with breakfast).

DM: Let’s turn duggee off you don’t want to be watching that
(DS loves his morning 20mins)
Me: No it’s fine he’s not had 3 yet
DM: They say children under 2 shouldn’t watch television as a mum is concerns me.
Me: Don’t worry mum I’m in my twenties a bit of TV won’t hurt me now.
DM: I mean I’m worried about DS
Me: Oh, well you’re not his mum so no need to be concerned ‘as a mum’ you did your job and made your choices with your own kids just like I’m doing now plus we watched TONS of TV and turned out totally fine didn’t we?

There is no room for being candid or overly polite when it comes to boundaries. Establish them quickly and firmly. I’m a pretty decent mum on the whole and certainly not going to let my kids get confused over who has authority and responsibility for them. I’m mum, grandma is grandma!

I think you need to give them a date they need to be out by.

If it is nearly finished i would suspect it is perfectly habitable for the final finishes - they just don't want to go.

How about, "Mum, I have loved having you here but it has not always been easy and I would like my house back now so that we can prepare for our wedding. There have been times where it has not felt like my home and you have ignored my wishes. To help us maintain a loving relationship I need you to be back at your house or other accommodation by XXXX date"

The mere fact that your own dad refers to you as 'fat' - TO YOUR FACE - would be enough for me to basically tell him to fuck right off. What an absolute cunt he sounds.

get rid. They are Cfs and using you.

You're going to have to ask them when the work is at a point they can move back home. If they abode just keep asking directly.

How about, "Mum, I have loved having you here but it has not always been easy and I would like my house back now so that we can prepare for our wedding. There have been times where it has not felt like my home and you have ignored my wishes. To help us maintain a loving relationship I need you to be back at your house or other accommodation by XXXX date"
..........
Personally I think that is way too subservient, this is the voice of a subordinate pleading with the overlord
Just tell them they need to leave immediately you don't have to say why, you're the boss, not them.
Take control OP

I think you are being unreasonable about this issue because you have understandably had enough of them being there!!!
You should have set boundaries when they moved in.........give them notice now, they have overstayed by a long time!!!

You poor thing. I'm afraid your parents are taking advantage of the fact that you seek their approval when in fact they are sadly never going to respect you. If you keep on being nice you will lose your self respect and possibly your future marriage too but this niceness isn't going to give you what you really want. I think you need to face up to the fact that it might be better for you if you give up on that and possibly look to getting therapy to help yourself with this.

The person who deserves your energy and patience and everything else your parents are demanding, gratis, right now, is your fiancee. Beware of him running out of respect for you if you don't treat him as he deserves here. Quietly and authoritatively give your parents an end date, even recommend the AirBNB your poor fiancee stayed at for them and their dog beyond that point - 7 days from now - and just keep repeating the same phrase along the lines of it you love them but it is now time for them to leave - whatever they throw back at you. Smile, ignore and repeat.

Take back your space after that conversation. You know you don't need it so don't ask their permission to be in your own house any more. Let your actions assume it. Walk into any room you want to any time you want to. Turn the telly on, tell them to shove over, plonk yourself down and watch what you want. Turn the volume up. Don't hide. Your mum can bully you because it's easier for her to go along with what your dad wants than respecting you properly and confronting him. Well, bollocks to that!

At least make some gesture of solidarity to your fiancee by asking what he would like and ignoring their comments but going ahead with it - such as tv watching. I know it's scary but I'm sorry to say that you just aren't going to get the love and respect you crave from them. They have abused you for years. So go you! There are battles you can win and battles you can't. Fighting for your relationship is a battle you CAN win and worth far more to you than your sad excuse for parents who have constantly let you down over the years and will continue to do so however you feel about it.

Good luck to you.

Just say sorry they will need to go into rented. Therd is no other way forward.

No fucker would be staying in my house after making my dogs ill.

Your Dad sounds abusive, your Mum sounds like she's enabling him. I wouldn't have these people in my life let alone my house.

I wouldn't have a problem with the brothers girlfriends though? Maybe with the brother, but with the girlfriend/s? Seems really misplaced. When you say they do makeup and hair so are equally unemployed do you mean they are unemployed because the whole hair and beauty industry has been destroyed by covid? If so that's pretty nasty. Hair and beauty are valid career choices and can make you pretty good money, so having a talent for hair or makeup and being put down for it is pretty nasty and condescending. I hope they find a better path than your brother has. But judging them seems unnecessary. It does seem like you have a chip on your shoulder, maybe if you get away from your abusive family you might see the world more kindly. Give them an end date and work on going low contact. Have a relationship with your relatives on your own terms. You cannot feel resentful about people crossing your boundaries if you haven't got any, and unfortunately an abusive childhood will do that to you, leave you vulnerable to exploitation by your family and others.

Your parents believe that they own you and by extension that they own your house

Did you ever say to her “make yourself at home?”

Some people WILL take this literally.

DH once had a friend to stay during a relationship breakup who would start helping himself to things from the fridge and kitchen cupboards.

When I challenged him, he said that he had been told to make himself at home!