to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

OP you have been really kind but children do not have a duty of care to their parents, especially not in a situation like this which is not an emergency and they are not ill or anything. It is kind to help where you can but not to the detriment of your own family life and relationships which is where this may head.

It is your responsibility to form a united front with DP and set a leaving date. No arguments. What would they have done if you didn't have space? They would have had to pay for accommodation so you have saved them an absolute fortune.

I may be wrong but suspect you might be worried that the retelling of all this from their side, to wider family and friends, will focus on them being asked to leave, rather than your hospitality for a LOT longer than you originally offered. If so, try not to worry about that, you can calmly give your side, the truth, if asked. Also, I think most people will understand anyway.

The wedding gives a good watershed. You and DP need space to plan and to spend time together in the run up. Your parents have a house. If it is nearly finished then 2 weeks notice is ample time to pack up and move back in around the work, if it is as close to completion as they say. If it isn't, then that's on them and they can get an air bnb.

Be firm here. The resentment around your brother and the untidiness is understandable but not the issue here. You offered them a roof for 4 months. It has now been almost double that. It is not making you happy so you need to give them notice to leave, citing the timescale as a reason in itself. Send a message following up. And your dad calling you fat is awful.

OP just have a proper chat with them? They've been there for 6 months and it sounds like the resentment is seething but you've not actually told them how you feel? a calmer conversation and asking them to find an alternative like an airbnb is the way forward.

You say you've always been close to your mum but you're not acknowledging what this closeness really consists of it, is not a relationship of equals she keeps you in a subordinate position of child with her as the real grown up

@Silversun83

I'm surprised that only a couple of PPs have mentioned this, but aside from the blatant disregard for you generally, the Covid restructions mean that having other people inside your home is still illegal.

So this is doubly galling that your parents think so little of you that they're willing to put you at risk and break the law on your behalf.

It's not illegal. It's absolutely fine to put people up when they don't have anywhere to go. I had a friend stay with me for the whole of lockdown one, when he had to return from abroad and had nowhere to live. OP's parents home is not habitable, they have to live somewhere, and the rules cover that.

I have just got a new job (promotion) after resigning from mine due to a horrible work culture. They did nothing to celebrate or congratulate me. It felt quite sad. It's a pretty big achievement
They are only happy if they are in their comfort zone where they they are the highest ranking people, they cannot acknowledge any success of yours because that moves you up the ranks and they don't like it!
They Are driven by a need to keep you in a subordinate position because they need to score points off of you to make themselves feel bigger and better, they do not have the self awareness insight or intelligence to articulate any of this, rather it is the water that they swim in

I’m super impressed that at 26 you have a big enough home to house your parents for 6 months and it’s only just starting to get unbearable. In the tiny flat we had at 26, I doubt my parents would have lasted a weekend .

I think it’s time for a serious ‘sit down’ conversation and a date for them to leave-this could end up ruining your relationship with them irretrievably if not sorted ASAP.

It's not illegal. It's absolutely fine to put people up when they don't have anywhere to go. I had a friend stay with me for the whole of lockdown one, when he had to return from abroad and had nowhere to live
OP's parents home is not habitable, they have to live somewhere, and the rules cover that

I gather the poster is referring to the mother inviting the brother and his latest squeeze (a stranger to op) over to dinner.

@ZoeMaye

Your Dad sounds abusive, your Mum sounds like she's enabling him. I wouldn't have these people in my life let alone my house.

I wouldn't have a problem with the brothers girlfriends though? Maybe with the brother, but with the girlfriend/s? Seems really misplaced. When you say they do makeup and hair so are equally unemployed do you mean they are unemployed because the whole hair and beauty industry has been destroyed by covid? If so that's pretty nasty. Hair and beauty are valid career choices and can make you pretty good money, so having a talent for hair or makeup and being put down for it is pretty nasty and condescending. I hope they find a better path than your brother has. But judging them seems unnecessary. It does seem like you have a chip on your shoulder, maybe if you get away from your abusive family you might see the world more kindly. Give them an end date and work on going low contact. Have a relationship with your relatives on your own terms. You cannot feel resentful about people crossing your boundaries if you haven't got any, and unfortunately an abusive childhood will do that to you, leave you vulnerable to exploitation by your family and others.

No, as in they are literally unemployed. Their hobby is hair and makeup but have never made an income from it.

The point was, if that was me, they would be so disappointed in me for not getting a job, not doing real work, not aiming high etc. But for the girlfriends it's 'look how talented she is' 'look how gorgeous she is'

They used to do it with my friends too, 'why aren't you smart like Amy?' even though I was doing better than all my friends academically. I think it was to provoke me.

This was all my dad, my mum doesn't tend to do anything to hurt me she always has good intentions, but doesn't respect my boundaries.

@Miasicarisatia

You say you've always been close to your mum but you're not acknowledging what this closeness really consists of it, is not a relationship of equals she keeps you in a subordinate position of child with her as the real grown up

We are close in that mum always has done a lot for me, and I for her. We have pamper days, go to lunches, confide in each other. It is a good relationship usually.

No. I get it - They can't just treat your place like their own home.

It's so difficult sometimes between parents and grown children, because the children have been brought up to be respectful towards their parents and the parents sometimes still treat their grown offspring like children.

However, you ARE an adult living within your own means and whilst it would need to be handled with the utmost care and tact (to preserve your relationship with them) I think you need to be firm and give them a strict timeline and ultimatum. This cannot go on indefinitely.

Have you had the conversation with them about moving out yet?

Oh you poor thing, OP.

Your parents sound toxic and abusive and are taking advantage of your compliance. You won't be able to change them. You can only change the way you react to them.

Read everything you can the Fear, Obligation, Guilt concept mentioned above. Read everything you can about "toxic parents" (there are entire books on the subject). You can still love them (well, your mum) but learn to understand their limitations and draw boundaries to protect you and your DP from them.

Does your employer offer any mental health counseling through an employee assistance programme? Something to help you process how absolutely shit your dad has been to you and how your mum has allowed it? This stuff takes years to deal with. Hopefully as you do so, you can learn to set better boundaries to prevent them taking advantage of you.

Congratulations on your promotion and your upcoming marriage, btw!

Bloke's perspective. Your DP is going to get the hump with this quite soon, if not already.

This was all my dad, my mum doesn't tend to do anything to hurt me she always has good intentions, but doesn't respect my boundaries.

Sorry to say but your mum has been hurting you - she did not defend you when your dad was saying these things or hitting you. She chose to put him above you, think on that.

YANBU for feeling this way. However I feel being really unreasonable towards your husband for not handling this better and making sure they are not taking advantage of you. Sit down with all of them, give them a date, say 16 May, tell them they must be gone by then, including the gf - and mean it. Personally I'd have a locksmith on standby.

I think it's not right to be furious with your Mum - she clearly takes advantage of you - but you need to channel that anger into some direction and get them out. If they fall out with you over this then job done!

Can I gently suggest that you take a look at the stately homes thread?

They also need to move the fuck out. You need to set a date and stick to it.

Then I would go seriously low contact...

Gosh, I can see why your resentment has built up OP.

I also think you need to call out your Dad especially on the fat comments.

My Mum gave me a lot of hang ups about my body which has left long lasting effects, I pulled her up on it a couple of years ago, I've never been big but I'm a completely and utterly different body shape to her 5ft 6 and curvy, she is 5ft 3 and used to be very slim and have slim legs from her feet to her non existent thighs, and she used to make a lot of comments about my heavy legs, etc. when I was younger, I don't think she'd realised the damage she'd done until I pulled her up on it.

OP, you’ve ask for advice and you’ve got pretty consistent replies ‘Set boundaries. Take a firm line. Give them a date to move out.’ You’re continuing to complain and say you can’t do this and can’t do that and it’s difficult. Nobody here can wave a magic wand for you. YOU have to deal with this. Do it.

You need to give them a deadline. What about 30 April?

It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months
In that case they’re breaking lockdown rules.

You’ve had some really good advise on this thread OP.
A good relationship does not consist of lunches and spa days. It should be about respect and understanding, both of which your Mum seems to lack.
Your Dad sounds abusive and your Mum seems happy to let it happen.
Please consider all this from your DPs point of view, you should both be excited to be planning your wedding together, not babysitting your very able parents.

OP, I know this is very hard - everyone on this thread can see that you have been treated in a toxic, abusive way by your parents, including your Mm.

She is doing a good job of trying to maintain a good relationship with you while not actually ever protecting you or standing up to your Dad.

She is probably as much under his thumb as you are - but that is her problem It doesn't make it OK to cascade that down to her kids - you.

Unfortunately, this will continue. It will continue when you have children, your DP will find life impossible because he is trying to build a close primary partnership with someone whose strings are being tugged by her parents.

I would say:

"Mum and Dad: DP and I need the house back for ourselves. Now that I am promoted I am finding it very hard to work with two extra people plus dog in the house. DP has been as welcoming as possible, but we have now not lived together in this house for as long as we have had you as guests - we need time to work as a couple in advance of our wedding. We originally agreed 4 months and that is now long past. Your house is nearly done, so I would like you to look for an Air BnB for the last few weeks - and move out in 10 days time"

Stay very, very calm, no rage etc.

If they get worked up stay calm, say "you know it changes things having people in the house - you made your decision about DP not staying at your house, you don't like having our dog, so I am sure you understand"

If your Mum asks if it is about having your brother over stay very calm and say "not solely due to that - but it did make me feel I was not respected in my own home - I think we all need our own space now and to be able to make our own decisions"

You can say "this isn't personal, it is about the stress and strain of managing with us all in the house. We have been happy to help you out for 6 /7 months, but we now need to settle down with just the two of us, and i have to have complete calm and peace in the house to do my new job, following my promotion. I am sure you understand that and understand what a major step forward this job is for me"

Have DP alongside you - but you must expect to lead this.

Write it down if it helps.

Why are you wasting time explaining about spa days than solving the issue with your parents?
You need to pro active about it, don't just bitch about it and sit on your bum expecting it to sort itself out.
Sorry OP but reality check time.

There is the usual hysteria on here.

Op you’ve generally a good relationship and they are moving out in the next few days. Sharing your space for so long is always hard. It sounds like your mother is doing a lot round the house and are effectively assuming thr parental role and treating it like it’s their home.

I think try to ignore the “kick the cunts out” type posts, or the “ they won’t even pay you “ hysteria, and try to habe a calm convo and remember it’s another few days and this is a relationship that is generally good and one you don’t want to end.

@acceptableinthe80sx

Why are you wasting time explaining about spa days than solving the issue with your parents? You need to pro active about it, don't just bitch about it and sit on your bum expecting it to sort itself out. Sorry OP but reality check time.

It's hard to come out of the FOG when it comes to our parents. Our brains twist and turn rather than face the uncomfortable truth that our parents are gits and slot out of the parent child mindset.

It's freeing when it happens but your arse does sweat a bit taking the leap.

OP needs to take that leap before it explodes over not doing the dishes or something.