to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

Is there actually work being done to their house, or has something else happened? Ie, they haven’t got the house any more?

I had my in laws staying once . I came home from work to find out they had invited the whole family round ( about 10 people) to my house without asking . I just kept answering the door to more people plus one person with a dog ( who did not like mine so I had to put them away )

I had no food in the house and had not had time to tidy up . I am not an impromptu person and to be honest if gave me a panic attack .

If they had asked I would have organised it all properly . I just felt disrespected and embarrassed to be honest .

Oh I can really empathise with this. My husbands parents moved in with us for what felt like forever shortly after we were married and it was so difficult. They were messy, commandeered the common spaces, continuously passed comment/judgement about everything and never, ever went out. It didn't end well with me blowing up the day before they were due to leave which I massively regret. However, this could have all been avoided if my husband and I had discussed and agreed boundaries first (and then communicated them on to them) and if my husband had said something to them to let them know they were causing so much annoyance for us (which he found really difficult to do). I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but if you say nothing, and let things fester, you may find your husband flipping out at them like I did. Things are fine now, but it took quite a while to recover and a lot of the misery could have been avoided had we just been upfront in the first place. As they are your parents, unfortunately the obligation falls on you. Good luck!

Foot down now OP. Tonight you and DP need to sit your parents down and tell them you are deeply upset that they have made no effort to even start packing/moving after THEY said they would be gone today. You need to start issuing ultimatums - they are walking all over your good nature and I’m sorry to say that if I were your partner I’d be seriously considering the relationship as this does not bode well for your future life together if you will kowtow to your parents every demand.

Think hard, what is more important to you - keeping the peace with your parents or keeping your DP?

Let them stay. You'll want the company after your husband leaves you for subjecting him to utter arseholes for six months and you've decided to let them stay even longer.

Fucking gutless.

It's so difficult though with them being your parents... I totally sympathise ... it's very awkward 🌼

@ArnoJambonsBike

Let them stay. You'll want the company after your husband leaves you for subjecting him to utter arseholes for six months and you've decided to let them stay even longer.

Fucking gutless.

🤣😂🤣😂

sorry 👀

Have they gone yet @Lionsdinner? Did they leave on Friday as they said they would (irrespective of what you said)?
Also, I somewhat agree with the message behind what @ArnoJambonsBike is making. You will have to stand up to them and tell them to leave or else it might just be your husband that leaves you because you just don't want to or feel you can't speak up for the pair of you.
I've seen so many posts over the years on MN where it generally goes "You have a DH problem"...but in this case it would be us saying to your DH that he has a "DW problem".

They have overstayed their welcome. They have to go. The sooner the better (for all, including them).

They are leaving tomorrow. We (DP agreed) offered for them to stay tonight so they can watch the dogs in the day time tomorrow. I’m certain they’re leaving.

I am a bit anxious about the change now to be honest. I know it’s hard for DP, but he’s out the house 16 hours a day and I get pretty lonely. Before they arrived I was feeling really isolated. Obviously I know the time has come, but it’s really mixed in some ways.

I’ll update tomorrow when I’m back from the day out!

I know they have a house etc. I do all of their paper work and banking so I’ve seen everything!

They physically assaulted you as a child and are now being arrest-worthy aggressive whilst leeching off you? You need counselling so you can understand how utterly unacceptable this all is. Your boyfriend is having these aggressive scumbags in his house to placate you, which is awful. Make sure they’re out, as they said, and never tolerate aggressive people again, genes or not. Jfc.

@Lionsdinner Just to go back to your original post title - "to be fuming with my mum" - it's your dad that you should be fuming with. In the gentlest terms, I hope that you can see that now after his verbal attack. I wish you well with your future relationship with them - it's ok to go NC if you need to.

Are they expecting you to pack and move for them as well? It kind of feels like it.

I know they have a house etc. I do all of their paper work and banking so I’ve seen everything!

Stop doing that

Time to hand back all that banking and paperwork, OP. Your Dad needs to take on his own adulting after that immature blow up.

After a few years of working on my assertiveness skills, I find that big arguments don’t happen. I just lay down a calm, factual sentence or two then say a cheery goodbye and leave people to their own reactions.

For example, I might have chosen the end of a dinner to say ‘Mum, Dad. We’re going to need a date from you on when you’re moving back across to xx Street. We have stuff here we need to get on with too. If you don’t find a date, we’ll find one for you and that might get awkward. Ok, night night.’

You asked them for a favour, to stay and mind the dog on Saturday?

OP, I do think you could benefit from joining the stately homes thread. Counselling.

You are offsetting the abusive behaviour by trading things in your own mind. It is a way of perpetuating the dynamic that traps you.

You are an adult, about to make a formal partnership with a man that loves you. Find adult solutions to your practicalities that do not involve selling yourself to people who do not respect you and hold you on an emotional leash.

Good luck and I hope they do move,

@Lionsdinner

They are leaving tomorrow. We (DP agreed) offered for them to stay tonight so they can watch the dogs in the day time tomorrow. I’m certain they’re leaving.

I am a bit anxious about the change now to be honest. I know it’s hard for DP, but he’s out the house 16 hours a day and I get pretty lonely. Before they arrived I was feeling really isolated. Obviously I know the time has come, but it’s really mixed in some ways.

I’ll update tomorrow when I’m back from the day out!

I know they have a house etc. I do all of their paper work and banking so I’ve seen everything!

You are suffering from the FOG in a big way. Make plans with friends of you're lonely

I’m certain they’re leaving - surely that would be your decision, not theirs? Don't you mean "I am certain they are leaving because I have told them to leave and will make them leave ..."?

You’re fuming with your mum and snidey about your brother’s girlfriends but it seems the real arseholes here are the men in the family, not the women.

Has anyone ever stood up to them?

In fairness @Lionsdinner, your parents are NOT going to be packing if they have been tasked with looking after YOUR dog. (apologies if I have picked that up wrong and it is their own dog they are also looking after).

You know that.
They know that.

The only person you are fooling is yourself (and your poor DH) if you think that they will be packed up and ready to hand over the leash when you get back.

So what's the result, @Lionsdinner ? Are you surrounded by packing or have they actually gone?

Maybe op and dh should just decamp to the renovated dp house ?! Could be easier bizarrely.
Good luck op hope you are getting there and they are getting ready to be back home.

It's Saturday evening at 5 past 9 - have they gone yet @Lionsdinner??

Did you enjoy your day with your DH?

Hello all, we have arrived home and they are gone. They left champagne and money to cover bills (enough to cover the extra). The house has also been cleaned. It feels very big now!

Dogs won’t eat as they’re a bit confused and I know the dog we’ve had longest has always preferred my mum (feeder). I feel weirdly sad. I dont know, I’m crying though?

DP is glad. He seems to understand my sadness.

DP’s family have been an ongoing drama for years now. They’ve been abusive to me and DP, we went LC this year, so whilst I feel sorry for DP, I’ve put up with some bad things so I guess we are even. 2 people from dysfunctional families, eh!

So pleased to read your update OP.

Perhaps use the next few days/weeks to reassess your boundaries with your parents. It’s not your job to do their admin for them, and even if you did it of your own free will they should be bending over backwards to thank you, not verbally abuse you as your father does.

Great news @Lionsdinner 🎉