to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

I think you should give them one week max to get out. They can find a hotel or AirBnb. It's not your problem and building works can go on and on.

Be as strict with them as they were with you.

I'd also directly tell your DB that his GF isn't invited to the wedding due to restricted numbers.

OP I feel for you, but to say they are overstepping the mark is an understatement.

Regardless of anything else, unless you were all sat in the garden, Covid rules means you can't have anyone in the house outside your household bubble so they're clearly disregarding those rules as well as your own.

Be prepared for them to think this is all about yesterday when actually, it's just a final straw for you. Not being able to relax in your own living room is insane. And the behaviours that went before - they won't see those as an issue, and you'll be 'too emotional' or 'too sensitive' or 'hysterical'.

It'll be hard, but you do need to be strong, unemotional, and explain that the two of you really need your own space, in your own house, and that living like this isn't working for any of you. If their own house is almost ready, then now's the time for them to make some sacrifices and live around the work or with unfinished bits, rather than you and your partner being the ones put out.

You can do it, though I get it'll take some courage. Just focus on how they have continued to disregard your feelings even when living in your house. Good luck.

Why are you the ones upstairs whilst your parents have the living room? You've allowed them to become far too comfortable and you have all reverted back to your childhood, where they're in charge and you just respect them, it's your house so your rules, you need a proper sit down chat with both of them, tell them it's time to think about going home and in the meantime you need to tell them exactly what they can and can't do in your house. The more uncomfortable they are they more they'll be likely to get things done and get back home

@PanamaPattie

Boundaries. Give them 2 weeks notice to leave. They can rent or find a hotel. They won't move until you kick them out. Be prepared for a huge fall out. If you don't do anything, they will continue to use your home as an extension of their own. You are still a child in their eyes and that is why they do not respect you or your space.

I was going to suggest a fortnight's notice, too.

It is appalling the way they are treating you and your home - and although they are buying enough food for you (but not your partner) this will be more than offset by their usage of electricity etc and the fact that you can't be comfortable in your own home.

Tell them two weeks, and during that two weeks insist that they keep to their bedroom (as you and your DP have had to do, and that they don't have any guests without checking with you first - even your brother. You might want a bit of peace and quiet, or to have friends round yourself now lockdown is easing - surely this series of girls shouldn't be in a and out of your home anyway at the moment, even if you were happy with it.

Thanks for the responses.

My mum does do a lot - all of the washing, all of the dinners (cooks DPs too), and all of the cleaning. Although, the mess has more than doubled.

My parents said they'd settle any bills at the end, so I am awaiting that.

I haven't seen the house, it's not far but is completely surrounded by those big metal gates when building work is going on. I am sure a lot is done but for ages it's because they have no windows and therefore no electricity / water (switched off). They said they would move when the windows come which is meant to be this week.

I do feel an obligation to them as they are my parents, I've always been close to my mum which is why I currently feel so hurt and disrespected.

DP is being patient but equally very difficult (perhaps justified) and won't say anything to them but expects me to. So I feel very in the middle and I am struggling.

I work from home so I think it's been building up for a while as they don't work. They have also made my dogs fat from overfeeding despite me saying not to (sausage dogs so health is imperative) and then occasionally sick as a result (today).

With the living room, as soon as we are down there they will give me the remote and move away, but it's open plan so they also hover and watch or make conversation. I just want to be alone.

Tell them that you want them out a month before you get married as your parents are massively taking the Mickey

DB lives in a bedsit, so they could not ever go there. He's been on benefits his entire life.

I do think I have a right to be angry at his relationship being forced into my life. He is free to do that and I said I wanted to meet her one day on my terms, when my parents aren't around. But that was completely ignored.

Perhaps this is entirely my issue, but my DB dates these young girls who are equally unemployed but maybe are into make up or hair. My parents act like they're so talented, so amazing, so beautiful etc. and it does really ignite some rage in me. I didn't get to not be academic, get a good job, do the things most parents would be so proud of their children for doing but my parents just seem settled. For example, I have just got a new job (promotion) after resigning from mine due to a horrible work culture. They did nothing to celebrate or congratulate me. It felt quite sad. It's a pretty big achievement.

DP is being patient but equally very difficult (perhaps justified) and won't say anything to them but expects me to. So I feel very in the middle and I am struggling.

He's not being difficult at all. He's literally following the advice any women with in law issues is given here in that the child should be the one to speak to their parents. It's absolutely not his place to have to speak up just because you're worried they will feel upset.

You keep responding with reasons why they shouldn't leave and why you think you owe them the opportunity to stay. In truth it just sounds like you're making excuses to avoid having the conversation with them and until you muster up the ability to have that conversation they will continue to take the piss and over stay their welcome even further.

... they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions

Not good enough

I mean this gently, OP, but in thinking so much about BIL/GF's visit you're focusing on the wrong thing, when the real problem is their continued presence

At this rate they'll be suggesting selling the renovated house and staying with you permanently "to help with the baby", and the only person who can change the status quo is you

PPs have given plenty of great suggestions, so the only question that remains is whether you're prepared to do anything

It sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship. It doesn't matter who did what or said what, they've never had any respect for you and nothing has changed. Tell them you want them out in a week they can go to a hotel.

I'd give them their marching orders too.

They very obviously don't give a shit about you so don't worry about the huffing and puffing you'll get when you very graciously tell them it's time they made alternative arrangements.

The original still quite big request was 4 months, you've done more than you were asked. They can stay with your brother, rent a serviced apartment etc until their home is ready.

But really they're not very nice. Acting offended when very reasonably asked what is the current status of their renovation, inviting new girlfriend to your wedding and all the other jerk moves. Just detach yourself and don't care about their reaction

My brother got in trouble with the police from a teenager, was kicked out the family home at 17, has had a suspended jail sentence (he isn’t violent and he means well, he’s just been a bad kid). He has never had a job.
As a result, as I was a child when this happened, my dad was extremely strict with me. I was hit if I stepped out of line. I was not allowed to get below an A or I was a failure. I have achieved everything they told me to and I still get treated the worse*

It sounds like your parents, and in particular your father, was abusive to you. Them living with you was never going to go well.

My parents said they'd settle any bills at the end, so I am awaiting that.

Umm, no they are being CF and it's time to tell them that doesn't work for you. Present them with the bills as and when they arise, and certainly the ones for the last 6 months need paying NOW.

Tell them "Mum, dad, I love you but I need my space back for myself and my husband now. Regardless of when your house is finished, I need you to have moved out by X date (I suggest 2 weeks time). If your house is not ready you'll need to make other plans." and for the love of god do not get drawn into making their other plans for them, just go a dull grey rock colour and repeat "You'll need to make whatever plans are necessary to have moved out of my house by X date."

I'm surprised that only a couple of PPs have mentioned this, but aside from the blatant disregard for you generally, the Covid restructions mean that having other people inside your home is still illegal.

So this is doubly galling that your parents think so little of you that they're willing to put you at risk and break the law on your behalf.

DP is being patient but equally very difficult (perhaps justified) and won't say anything to them but expects me to

That's fair enough; if you were writing about your DP's parents everyone would say "you've got a DP problem - get him to sort it out" and rightly so

I'd hope he'd support you in whatever you say, but the main approach has to come from you ... apart from anything else, given your very unhealthy relationship with them, he's probably worried about getting the blame if they kick off

Sounds like a really difficult situation. However, focussing on the behaviour of your family rather than on your own behaviour will not bring you any joy. They will not change, but you can examine your own feelings and try to manage your reactions differently - I feel counselling for you could be really helpful and get you out of feeling so limited by their shitty behaviour. Hopefully you could start to feel more like an adult. It's perfectly reasonable to have boundaries and impose them, they have no boundaries in the way they treat you.

You say you have a good relationship with your DM but this is based on you doing exactly what she wants you to do and walking all over you. In reality they don't really care what you think or want.

If you're planning on having children I think your eyes will be opened as they grow up and you're in the parent position.

Your DP sounds very patient.

Have you read "Here to Stay" by Mark Edwards???

You are going to jeopardise your marriage. If a women came on here and said her DH's husband's parents were doing this but the DH refused to send them on their way, she would be told she has a DH problem not a parents in law problem.

Also you say you're fuming with your mum, but at least she's doing some cooking and washing.
What is your dad doing in all this ?
Why aren't you angry with him ?

They can move in with brother or start paying rent

That’s what the OP should say, yes. But it can be difficult to stand up for yourself when you’ve had years of being bullied by your parents. They were ‘over strict’ and she hence finds it hard to maintain boundaries as an adult.

I was like that with my DM. She was never a CF like the OP’s parents, but she used to always take over when she came to visit, undermine me with my DDs by acting like she was the parent to all of us.

I found that when I started to create boundaries, it was easier than I expected. Because actually I was an adult and if I said no to her, that was the final answer.

You’re an adult, OP. It’s your house and your DP’s and they have to leave if you tell them to.

And I also think, like some PPs have said, that you would benefit from therapy to help you process your relationship with your parents. That will help you understand that you don’t have a ‘duty of care’ for them.

You come across as a huffy sort of child. It's time to speak to your dp and tell them it's time they went home. Give them a deadline and say that while you've enjoyed their company, you need your house back. You've got stuff to do, a wedding to arrange. They won't like it, but you can't pander to them forever.

You come across as a huffy sort of child

Not huffy - browbeaten.

@PegPeople

DP is being patient but equally very difficult (perhaps justified) and won't say anything to them but expects me to. So I feel very in the middle and I am struggling.

He's not being difficult at all. He's literally following the advice any women with in law issues is given here in that the child should be the one to speak to their parents. It's absolutely not his place to have to speak up just because you're worried they will feel upset.

You keep responding with reasons why they shouldn't leave and why you think you owe them the opportunity to stay. In truth it just sounds like you're making excuses to avoid having the conversation with them and until you muster up the ability to have that conversation they will continue to take the piss and over stay their welcome even further.

No perhaps about it! Totally agree that he's not being difficult though - you really must get yourself girded up and have a serious talk with you parents , stop making excuses and do it

I understand it's a bit of a pain having them there now but it was her son and his girlfriend they invited round - not some randomers. I don't think they should have to ask permission to ask people round but they should definitely check it's ok...you were out all day after all.

But they have definitely overstayed their welcome, that's the most important thing here, it sounds like they have got far too comfortable