to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

Your dad sounds disgusting

I hope he has profusely apologised. If not, you can’t let him go on as if nothing happened

I hate when shitty parents are strict about their adult daughters dating but anything goes for their slutty sons

Well done OP, it is good that they left.

It is also clear that they don’t seem to be carrying out any of your father’s threats and warnings, whatever they amounted to.

So you have a successful experience of standing your ground with your parents and saying ‘enough is enough’

This van be the foundations of a new start. If your Dad starts on you or says unkind or inappropriate things about your weight etc, tell him you don’t want to hear it. Tell him you aren’t prepared to be insulted in your own house. “I’m not really prepared to listen to you criticise my body in my own house Dad, so I suggest we change the subject “.

If at their house “I came to see you for a nice visit, not for you to criticise me, so maybe best to talk about something else “. And if he does it again, leave. “I said I wasn’t here for that sort of talk, I’ll come back when you are in a better mood”.

Establish that boundary: your home is yours and he is only welcome if he behaves.

You are in their home as a guest, not hostage, and will leave if you are not treated hospitably.

Build in your success; your relationship with them will be the better for it.

Well done op.

Wow
You urgently need some therapy to help understand your childhood. You're still living in that space where you are the criticised little girl. And now you're crying and worried about being alone? Please get some therapy, there is so much to unpack.

You’re sad because you want kind parents who do nice things without the argument.

I come from a very dysfunctional family, it all sounds very familiar, the guilt, the anger the random kindness from them to hook you back in. My mum usually uses money.

Unfortunately you just have to put up very strong boundaries to protect yourself. No one is going to do this for you

Change the locks! Your parents (especially your father) do not sound the type of respect your privacy. 🌹

I'm really pleased to read your update @Lionsdinner.

Now enjoy the bank holiday weekend and the space and time you have with your DH without your parents around.

It won't feel so 'big' and 'empty' once you've started reclaiming/finding use for the spaces and nooks and crannies in your home, decorating to your own choice and generally start feeling 'at home' in your own building.

Where did your parents go OP?

Having your parents in your house for so long has taken up your mental and emotional energy. That’s why it feels so odd despite the relief that they’ve gone.
Now you have time and space to think what do you want for yourself, now that you are not drowning in other peoples crap attitudes and behaviour,
I hope you and DP plan some good times together, dinners without mentioning either family. A holiday etc ...
keep the space between you and your parents for the time being (ie don’t rush back into routinely helping with their every requirement) so you can get used to being the focus of your own life.
They are capable of looking after themselves. You are not their unpaid personal assistant. Your own life’s requirements and ambitions come first.

I'm lad they are out.

I would also back up the call to get yourself some therapy. You will be stronger and live a happier life when you are able to put boundaries in place with them and anybody else in your life who you need to.

Why do you do all their paperwork and banking OP? do they pay you to do that?

Hi everyone, I have been through therapy. We learned that my parents behaviour as a child has led to being “not good enough” and this has caused me issues all my life, it has also triggered OCD which I realise I’ve struggled with since 7. My therapist said that it’s best to focus on the present and how to move on, and the why isn’t as important. We worked out the “why” but there’s no need to delve further. She was truly outstanding and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She was also NhS and my experience using the mental health service has been phenomenal.

My parents have gone back to their house @madroid they still don’t have electricity or plumbing but have small amounts in the house. Mum said it’s like being young again.

@WeeGobshiteBentBastard my parents are academically not gifted, so the things I’ve become very good at in life are to their benefit. I hate seeing people being ripped off so will help anyone, including them. DP also enjoys helping them buy things as he gets to hunt discount codes. I’ve been filling in Dad’s disability forms since I was 12? They’re not the best at spelling, they’re not stupid and they’re literate / can read and write, but this just means it’s done properly!

They came back today to do washing and have a shower which I offered. They were very grateful and stayed an adequate length of time whilst I was out. I will always try to do best by my parents, even if it’s the wrong thing. Despite their many flaws they’ve also raised me in a loving home with everything I needed.

However, DP has spoken to his parents and we are having an attempted reconciliation this weekend. He expects an apology for treating him badly his entire life, I know he won’t get it. I am not ready for more drama and arguments!

Your comments make no sense OP. Your parents are clearly abusive and yet you say they "raised me in a loving home"? your own dad calls you "fat" to your face and yet you happily do all his banking for him and fill out his forms like a skivvy?

Deep down you are enabling all of this and it isn't going to change.

Oh this is just getting silly now with your DP and his parents!