to be fuming with my mum?

[Lionsdinner]

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

1. for not telling me at all beforehand
2. for inviting my brother without telling me
3. for inviting his girlfriend
4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

[quote Lionsdinner]@GrumpyHoonMain my mum didn’t cook us a dinner. It was pure coincidence we got home for when the dinner was set. They would have had the dinner without us knowing. The food she cooked I couldn’t eat and so I just sat there having to hide my pure anger as I just wanted to go to bed.[/quote]
I'm going to try and be as blunt as possible because I do think you need some blunt to the point advice here.

You're letting them walk all over you in your own home ffs. No wonder your partner is frustrated. You need to tell them to go home ASAP. No pandering, no walking on egg shells and no wishy washy guilt tripping nonsense. Give them a date to be out by and stick to it no matter what.

They have ignored my boundaries.

My parents had a very fractured relationship with my brother but suddenly want him over all the time since they moved in with me. My brother got in trouble with the police from a teenager, was kicked out the family home at 17, has had a suspended jail sentence (he isn’t violent and he means well, he’s just been a bad kid). He has never had a job.
As a result, as I was a child when this happened, my dad was extremely strict with me. I was hit if I stepped out of line. I was not allowed to get below an A* or I was a failure. I have achieved everything they told me to and I still get treated the worst.

I think the worst part in all this is before they moved in with us, we had a lot of run ins.

1. I live in the area I grew up. It’s commutable to London. After University DP moved to be with me down south - whilst we were waiting for our first house purchase to go through he had to stay in an Air BnB (he joined a new company down near my home so that he was ready for living together) until we completed because my parents wouldn’t let him stay with us.

2. we have a dog and my dad refused to have it over theirs (they also have a dog and have the space etc) simply because they didn’t want to. My mum said she would but she wouldn’t go against my dad. As a result we have so much more difficulty going away, finding good kennels etc. Now they are living with us, so is their dog.

I think it’s the hypocrisy.

Well, there's only two ways about this. Keep putting up with it, or tell them to leave. It doesn't have to be an argument or a big deal, just firmly say that this arrangement is no longer working and they have x number of weeks to either move home or into a hotel. Don't get drawn into an argument or discussion, just be clear that this is the end. Don't be a wet lettuce about it, if you had taken over the home as an adult for 7 months they'd surely have been getting cross with you by now.

Tell them straight. They need to move out either back into their old home and just deal with it (surely the work is near enough completed by now?), rent a air B and B and stay there or go to your brothers and stay there.
They've outstayed their welcome, and treating your home like it's theirs. You need to be firm OP yes you want to look after them but they've been there for 7 months without any sign of moving... they are taking the piss out of you.

Why can't they move back home? What sort of state is their house in now?

[quote Lionsdinner]@GrumpyHoonMain my mum didn’t cook us a dinner. It was pure coincidence we got home for when the dinner was set. They would have had the dinner without us knowing. The food she cooked I couldn’t eat and so I just sat there having to hide my pure anger as I just wanted to go to bed.[/quote]
Why on earth didn’t you say anything then?!

They’ve been there for 4 months, you’re totally fed up, your partner is totally fed up, they are inviting people into your house and cooking food you can’t eat and you sit there annoyed, saying nothing and wishing you were in bed!

Why? Why aren’t you telling them you’re annoyed?

You need to grow up and stand up for yourself. They've effectively turned your house into their house and you're their child again.

Tell them it's not working, they've overstayed their welcome and need to leave. They don't get to ignore your boundaries, you enforce them.

If they refuse. Pack up their stuff and put it outside. They've behaved appallingly, you don't have to accept that.

They’ve been there for 4 months

6 months, the op was told that it would be 4 months max. What is going on with their house by the way, @Lionsdinner? I'd be suspicious in all honesty, has the build gone to hell, have they run out of money, was there even works to start with? Have either of them been round to check on their house? Have you been around to check their house?

Wow they’re walking all over you two aren’t they?
Give them 7 days to leave your home. No ifs ands or buts. If they don’t then you pack their shut and toss it outside, then phone them police.
Tell your mum and your brother that his girlfriend is NOT invited to your wedding and if they continue treating you and your partner like doormats then they won’t be welcome either!
Then I would seriously consider moving far, far away from all of them.

You're focusing on the wrong shit OP. This isn't about brothers or dinners. It's about you having had enough of sponging parents who don't respect you as an adult.

Ask them when they're going home and take it from there. If it's an age away then ask them if they would like help in finding a rental.

I agree with @Tinkywinkydinkydoo, quietly seething with just make you look bitter, resentful and jealous. By not tackling the issues your anger will come out in other ways with non of the family really knowing why. They will just think you are unpleasant.

4 months??!! The cheeky wankers. I feel so sorry for you OP. Honestly - I think you should tell them to leave. Not ask for a moving date, tell them they have to find alternative accommodation. Your mum is even trying to run roughshod over your wedding, it's awful.

Good God. Tell them they have a week to get into an air BnB or go live in the building work. Is it BC really unliveable after 7 months?

Not to mention the Covid rules - your mum let in your brother and the GF!

You need to act swiftly because your partner is literally being crapped on. They wouldn’t have him stay but are happy to stay in his house 😱. You could seriously damage your own relationship by not kicking these CFs out. Don’t make a drama, just say, it’s been too long, we need our home and privacy back right away.

I don't think YABU at all.

I had to temporarily move in with my mum a year ago and I used to double check they didn't mind me having some friends over. It's just respectful isn't it? Especially if you are not paying towards the home.

I think some people take the view that, even when your an adult, your parents still somehow own you or control you and they have rights far superior to your own. You need to tell them enough is enough, it's your home and you need to know when they are planning on moving out. It's not fair that yours and your partners relationship should be starting to suffer.

I can't believe that they've taken over the living room and you have to use your bedroom for tv watching. Your partner must be livid.

And yes, you're focusing on detail, when it's the big stuff that matters.

Why have you and your said nothing yet? They're two months past the time frame they gave you, and they've taken control of your home. For goodness sake SAY SOMETHING. It's time to have a proper conversation and demand your home back. Don't start listing trivial issues to them. Simply say they need to find somewhere else. Otherwise your relationship with your partner will be doomed.

Your H must have the patience of a saint, or be very, very meek.

You keep banging on about the relationship dynamics and why things are as they are and it's IRRELEVANT!

All that's relevant is that you want them out!

Tell them!

Stop allowing them to avoid conversations about it!

Say "It's time you left...I want you to arrange to be back in your home on X date." Then keep reminding them daily.

"When are you packing?"
"Not long till X date...have you packed?"

DO NOT be wishy washy.

@Howshouldibehave I did tell my mum how furious I was. She kept making excuses and I needed to be careful that New Girlfriend didn’t hear. We went to bed straight after and haven’t yet spoken.

@BrumBoo apparently it’s almost done! When I ask for a date I am treated like ive offended them and they say they don’t know yet

I would HIGHLY GHIGHLY HIGHLY recommend moving very far away. I get that it a big move. But honestly your parents are toxic. Even if you do set boundaries they;ll just ignore.

Move a long way away and have a lovely life.

Then as soon as you speak today, you need to begin with "this isn't working out, mum. You said you'd be here for four months, and it's nearly seven. I need you to move out before our relationship, and my relationship with (partner) is ruined. We need our home back, I need my living room to myself. I'm sorry but you need to find somewhere else"

[quote Lionsdinner]@BrumBoo apparently it’s almost done! When I ask for a date I am treated like ive offended them and they say they don’t know yet[/quote]
It's not done at all then. Can you go and see for yourself? I have a feeling something has happened and unless you confront them about moving out ASAP then you'll have houseguests for life....

They sound like the biggest CFs in all of CFdom! And the sheer hypocrisy of them as well. Staying 4 months is bad enough but overstaying an extra two without a by your leave and not even offering to pay for their keep must be driving you mad. As others have said, your DP must have the patience f a saint.

I don’t think the brother thing is so bad but if it acts as a catalyst to show you how awful they are, it has achieved its purpose. What is happening with their house that’s taken so long? Regardless, I think you should give them a week’s notice; either move back or find a B&B!

You NEED to sort them down and go through this stuff. Point out that you want to help them and you HAVE helped them... but you shouldn’t feel like a visitor in your own home. You need space at this point in your relationship just before your wedding. Part of the reason this has got so bad is that you are not being upfront with them and they are walking all over you. I know it won’t be easy but you have to face this. I think your partner is being superhuman in his patience.

YANBU to be annoyed at lack of contol in your own hom but just lay down rules or tell them to go home though... if they try to bully you give them matching orders

YABU in your attitude towards your bothers love life, its non of your business who he dates and you sound judgemental and annoyed that his relationship with the girl you liked failed but its HIS relationship not yours