AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

[ToastAndTea00]

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

Either it's a small job for your mil to do, or it's something that takes you all evening. I'm not sure how it can be both.

This. If you're at home all day with small kids the house generally looks like a bomb has hit it. Even if you spend a lot of time tidying up.

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with

It doesn’t sound like your children tidy up for MIL! Maybe she tells them to put their discarded clothes/shoes/cups/toys away and they claim ‘mummy always does that!’ Or they just say no as she can’t/won’t enforce it like a parent.

My DC have a rule that each toy box is put away before a new one comes out. The toy boxes are out of reach. Why not tell MIL this rule and ask her to make them put toys back in one box before she gets them another? Eg put playmobil away before the Lego comes out, fancy dress box packed up before the farm is out. My 6 year old DD was fully capable of this when she was 5 just reluctant and would play us off against each other eg ‘but daddy said I could leave my craft things out for tomorrow’ (daddy said nothing of the sort!)

Why aren’t all shoes left at the door/entrance hall? Why isn’t 5 year old putting her own laundry in the laundry basket?

As for plates or glasses or food left lying about, if they were MIL’s half finished cups of tea or snacks and it happened daily I’d be mildly annoyed. But it still only takes 5 minutes for you to gather them up.

If she’s leaving food out for the kids are kids not finishing their meals/snacks/drinks
maybe she lets them graze? If she’s cut up fruit or provided things like breadsticks, nuts, crackers and veg slices she could be leaving them out for kids to finish? I’d only be worried if the food could go off each leaving fridge items out.

Or is she cooking them lunch and leaving dirty pots and pans all over the kitchen, dried food on the table etc? That would irritate me. But as she’s providing free childcare I think you could provide some pre-prepared lunches for the kids and her, or things she can quickly heat up? That way any cleaning will be minimal.

Alternatively you can send them to nursery or a childminder against MIL’s wishes?

I'd put them back in nursery.

She's disrespectful of your home. Let her see the kids on special occasions but run your daily life as you see fit.

Ha my mil used to be the same.
Both Mil & my dmum had mine 1 day a week.
I'd come home from work and my mum would have fed them, bathed them, tidied up, sterilised bottles and made up feed and cooked our dinner. (Usually done a load of washing too)

Mil:
I'd push the door open with dread and trepidation.
Weetabix set to concrete & spread over radiators/walls/sofas
Pots everywhere
She'd change the kids about 8 times a day so I'd have hardly any clean stuff
Toys everywhere.....
They'd have eaten crap all day & be hyper.

Couldn't say a word though. I said I'd sort the house after my dmum. DH could sort the house after his

How do you spend a WHOLE EVENING picking a few things up off the floor?

@ToastAndTea00

For what it’s worth. No I don’t pay her, but my children were in childcare (and they go to childcare for the rest of the week) but she was insistent that she have them 1-2 days per week.. so we pulled them from childcare on those days so she could look after them.

She doesn't get to insist that she minds your kids. You and dh chose for her to mind them. I'd be more concerned that she spends most of her time on the phone whilst minding a toddler, than I would be about the mess.

@PferdeMerde

How do you spend a WHOLE EVENING picking a few things up off the floor?

Because a job that would take MIL mere moments during the day apparently becomes a Herculean Labour after work...

This thread is peak Mumsnet.

-A chance to jump on an evil (“filthy pig”) MIL.
-Show jealousy of anyone who has family members who provide childcare
-thinking you’ll catch a disease from untidiness

This thread is peak Mumsnet.

Also, parents in law who INSIST on doing things, as if the OP isn't a grown adult, in total charge of decisions about care for her own child.

Imagine if this was a man posting about his SAHM wife.
'I spend all day out at work earning a living for our family and when I come back my wife hasn't even tidied up for my arrival. There are crumbs around, there are glasses on the side and there are children's clothes that aren't even in the laundry basket'
There would be UPROAR!
'she is a mother not a maid, pay a cleaner if you want it tidy'
'her job is looking after the DC not cleaning, do you know how hard it is being at home with small DC?'
'being at home with DC IS a job you know'
'why don't you lift a finger and help her when you get in, won't take a minute'

And this person who is looking after this kids isn't even the parent and is presumably significantly older too, yet for some reason it's acceptable to accept a spotless home on arrival.
I feel sorry for the MIL who probably isn't even aware of what she has done wrong and probably thinks she is being helpful.

*expect

@Drunkenmonkey that is a really good point. I've been SAHM for a few years and DH has never expected a spotless house on return. That said, there might have been a few days where it was chaos when he came back (looking after small children IS very, very busy) but not putting used cups at least in the kitchen is a pretty low bar. Tbh, I see it from both sides.

I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left

While its nice to come home to a tidy house, I cannot see how what you've mentioned creates a whole evening of mess. And if you have a dp/dh what are they doing while you tackle all this mess?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left

While its nice to come home to a tidy house, I cannot see how what you've mentioned creates a whole evening of mess. And if you have a dp/dh what are they doing while you tackle all this mess?

I really think though that it probably does take OP quite a long time to tidy after work if absolutely none has been done in the day. My DC have learning difficulties, so even though older they function as 2 year olds and if I did not tidy today at all I would be clearing up:

• 3 meals and 10,000 snacks, plus all the crumbs, food on the floor etc
• collecting cups from round the house
• cleaning kitchen from food prep
• putting the sofa cushions back
• emptying the nappy bins
• sweeping the floors (crumbs and kinetic sand traipsed around)
• picking up and putting 2 clothes changes each in wash
• putting a gazillion toys, books, blankets back
• putting shoes and wellies away
• cleaning bathroom mess from older DC who tries to use toilet as independently as possible
• DC went into my bedroom and took pillows and duvet off the bed, so putting them back
• cleaning the smears on glass doors

Etc, etc, etc. I'd never expect a family member doing unpaid childcare to clean all that during the day but it would take quite a bit of time to fix in the evening and would also be a bit annoying.

Sounds like my exMIL. She'd overstay her welcome by days at a time and leave destruction in her wake, on the pretence of 'helping out'. Not sure what she thought she was helping with, other than attracting insects into the house with trails of crumbs and blobs of jam dropped everywhere. She also regularly knocked over half-full cans of sticky drink and didn't clean those up either. In terms of 'childcare', she either ignored DS to play on her tablet or (when he was older) chased him around taking photos while he screamed at her to stop.

When I went back to work, I stopped clearing up after her. ExH commented on the mess a few times - I agreed it was a shame his mum didn't clean up after herself, perhaps he could ask her to? He would grumble a lot and eventually clean it up himself but would never breathe a word to his sainted mum.

Divorce is really pretty awesome sometimes

I think some people have considerably higher standards than me. I have a 4 year old and a rising 2, if I wanted the house looking spotless/immaculate all the time I would have to a) never cook them a meal b) spend all my time after work cleaning and tidying and never actually play with them c) never do reading with the elder one

I'd come home from work and my mum would have fed them, bathed them, tidied up, sterilised bottles and made up feed and cooked our dinner. (Usually done a load of washing too)

See I'm the opposite, if I came home to that I'd be concerned she had spent zero time playing with the children

I understand how frustrating it is to come back to a messy house but it doesn't sound like a lot of tidying. Is there a reason why you're tidying and not your DP? Because if you both did it together then it wouldn't take as long. Fwiw I think its lovely that your DCs get that time with their gran and it might help if you view that time as benefitting your DCs rather than indulging MIL.

@Drunkenmonkey

Imagine if this was a man posting about his SAHM wife. 'I spend all day out at work earning a living for our family and when I come back my wife hasn't even tidied up for my arrival. There are crumbs around, there are glasses on the side and there are children's clothes that aren't even in the laundry basket' There would be UPROAR! 'she is a mother not a maid, pay a cleaner if you want it tidy' 'her job is looking after the DC not cleaning, do you know how hard it is being at home with small DC?' 'being at home with DC IS a job you know' 'why don't you lift a finger and help her when you get in, won't take a minute'

And this person who is looking after this kids isn't even the parent and is presumably significantly older too, yet for some reason it's acceptable to accept a spotless home on arrival.
I feel sorry for the MIL who probably isn't even aware of what she has done wrong and probably thinks she is being helpful.

It's not the same as that scenario. The sahm would have to then leave the house or do nothing for the rest of the evening for it to be slightly comparable. I'm a sahm currently and dh works, he's not arsed about mess but if he came home and was expected to clean my cups and food from the day up he'd probably think it was slightly odd.

I don't think granny should Hoover or clean toilets but a quick whip around of her cups and clearing a table isn't neglecting the grandkids.

We have our grandchildren one day a week. We do the school runs so have the youngest at our house all day. When we leave with her in the afternoon to collect her sister from school, we just go and leave the house as it is.

We stay at my daughter's house with both children and give them tea and play until she gets in at 5.30. I clear away after tea and wipe the kitchen surfaces but I don't load the dishwasher and I'm certainly not preparing dinner for them! I'm amazed the OP thinks that's normal.

It's 6.15 by the time we get home and we have to cook our own dinner! Our house always looks like it's been hit by a bomb when we get home but we work together to clear it up and it's usually done in about 20 minutes.

Different housework standards I suppose. But the cleaning and tidying side of things had never occurred to me until I read this thread. We spend the day playing with our grandchildren, looking after their needs which includes accompanying the younger one to the toilet (why would the bathroom need cleaning because of the mess???) and most days we go out somewhere with them too. We have great fun, I know that my daughter and son-in-law really appreciate what we do

@SympathyFatigue why isn't it comparable? Why should the MIL be any better at squeezing the chores into the day than a SAHM would who is looking after her own kids so is probably better at knowing when it's ok to not watch her toddler etc?
I often wait till DH is free to do a evening whip round as it's not easy with a toddler in tow and they can be really demanding especially around dinner time. I would say it's a rare occasion for our house to be really tidy by 4pm and I'm not the least bit lazy.
The OP is saying a change of clothes is on the floor, some glasses left around and a bit of food mess on the table, that is hardly a bomb site is it?
Going to work isn't necessarily harder than being home with kids and this idea that the person should get home to a clean house is so 1950s regardless of who is the one at home.

Going against the grain, the place shouldn't be a tip. When I look after my nieces and nephews, I just tidy after them as I go?

I know that my daughter and son-in-law really appreciate what we do

I think this is the key difference between your set up and the OP’s.

[quote Drunkenmonkey]@SympathyFatigue why isn't it comparable? Why should the MIL be any better at squeezing the chores into the day than a SAHM would who is looking after her own kids so is probably better at knowing when it's ok to not watch her toddler etc?
I often wait till DH is free to do a evening whip round as it's not easy with a toddler in tow and they can be really demanding especially around dinner time. I would say it's a rare occasion for our house to be really tidy by 4pm and I'm not the least bit lazy.
The OP is saying a change of clothes is on the floor, some glasses left around and a bit of food mess on the table, that is hardly a bomb site is it?
Going to work isn't necessarily harder than being home with kids and this idea that the person should get home to a clean house is so 1950s regardless of who is the one at home.[/quote]
Hardly asking her to do chores. Asking her to clean a table of their breakfast and lunch crap that she's used.
Toddler will be sat at table or high chair so it's easy to put them on the side or in a sink and wipe a table.

Pretty funny you'd consider cleaning up after yourself 1950s.
I Just consider it weird not to.
But my version of a bomb site as op declared is like when my husband let our toddler empty a crate of Lego (not duplo) all over the floor, a trail of plates and crumbs , cups etc as it was mother's day and he'd let me have a lie in. Lucky me. Guess I should have just been delighted he'd looked after his child. 😁

The point is that the MIL is making life more difficult for the OP, not less.

Bin her, put the kids back in nursery and enjoy coming home to a tidy house. Job done.