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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

218 replies

ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:20

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 25/04/2021 10:59

OP you can’t say anything about free childcare on here because others are so jealous they can’t say anything nice to someone who receives it.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable actually. There’s no reason for your house to be trashed when she’s looking after your ds. No need at all. However, according to the you’re lucky to get free childcare brigade, you should be eternally grateful!!
I would also be concerned about her sitting on her phone playing games. For that reason, I would be looking to source alternative childcare.

honeylulu · 25/04/2021 11:34

Sadly it's the price of free childcare but I can see why it's annoying that you leave a nice tidy house and come back to a bombsite.

Perhaps address it by saying you'd really appreciate it if she encouraged the children to clear up after themselves and off she could help them that would be great, as you're struggling to keep in top of it and spend some time with them when you get home. If nothing changes after that, you'll just have to lump it.

I had this issue with my (paid) nanny and it really got me down. She'd make dinner for my child, herself and her two children (this was the agreement) and leave all the plates, cutlery, mess on the tab le, spaghetti sauce on the carpet. I'd politely ask if she he could at least put the plates and cutlery in the dishwasher but she would giggle and say she "kept forgetting" . Worst thing was that one of her children would almost always do a sloppy shit in the downstairs toilet and splatter the bowl and I'd have to clean that as well. We made her redundant due to covid. She is keen to return once I go back to the office but I think I'd rather manage without her. Not to save money butv to save the mess!

JemimaJoy · 25/04/2021 11:54

Wow! YABVU! I don't even ask my nanny to clean as i want her to focus on kids and she's obviously paid!

JemimaJoy · 25/04/2021 11:58

Another vote for just putting them back in childcare if it's that bad, although if she's leaving as early as 4 and all you're needing to do is put some shoes and clothes away and clean up toys and wash up... I also don't see how this can take all evening? I can deep clean my entire house in a couple of hours!

Maray1967 · 25/04/2021 12:01

I’d be saying that they’ll be going back to nursery and Afterschool as I can’t cope with the house being in a mess. Absolutely. She’s not a cleaner but there’s no way I would leave all the stuff out, dirty plates etc if was doing childcare for someone else.

SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 13:51

Priorities I guess. Clean house but less money and children in nursery or house thats had kids in it and associaged mess but proper home childcare, more freedom than nursery, close bond with family member etc. I am so surprised people would choose not having to put a few thinks away over better quality experience for the children!

SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 13:53

But yes if the house is your priority over the children then absolutely just put back in childcare - do the pick ups and come home to house as you left it. Presumably childcare means you don't have smelly nappies in your bin/ mess from messy play/painting/mess from coming back from park/ also they feed them don't they?!

rothbury · 25/04/2021 13:57

OP you are VVU to expect your MIL to tidy or clean your house.

If you don't like it you will have to upset her by reverting to paid childcare.

SparrowNest · 25/04/2021 13:58

Presumably you aren’t paying your mother in law for this otherwise expensive childcare?

Totally unreasonable if so.

Tsubasa1 · 25/04/2021 13:58

Yabvvu

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 25/04/2021 13:59

You know you are being unreasonable but you have my every sympathy. When mine were littles my lovely parents looked after them 3 days a week at our house. They were doing us a huge favour and we really really appreciated it. But they are the most untidy people in the known universe and the mess was insane!!! I used to slightly dread coming home because by nature I'm a very tidy person (probably a reaction to be being raised in a very untidy house) and it used to wind me to the 9th degree. Obviously I could never say anything but I used to spend every Thursday night doing hours of tidying up.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 25/04/2021 14:00

Back to childcare. Its not working for you. Would fuck me off no end

Choccyaddict4eva · 25/04/2021 14:05

@ToastAndTea00

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with

Oh this would annoy the hell out of me! You’re not asking a lot. Everyone that is saying ‘she’s not your cleaner she’s saving you money’ no she’s not your cleaner, but she should at least have some common curtesy to not leave your house in a state ! I think her behaviour is rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t dream of doing that. Also what example is that setting to your children? I’d put them back into their childcare setting, it will save you wasting your time picking up after her.

Tlollj · 25/04/2021 14:06

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile my mum is the untidiest person in universe actually.
I don’t know how she does it!

Dishwashersaurous · 25/04/2021 14:08

Just put them back in childcare.

Queenoftheashes · 25/04/2021 14:14

I think yanbu. I’m a complete slob but even I wouldn’t leave someone else’s house a state like this, regardless of whether they were getting free childcare. Which is a red herring as you don’t seem to want it.

MegaClutterSlut · 25/04/2021 14:22

I gonna say yabu but I get it must be annoying coming back to a bomb site and having to tidy up but thats the price you pay imo

FinallyHere · 25/04/2021 14:22

Anyone seriously suggesting that the answer to used plates and food being left out is to pay a cleaner is setting such a bad example for the DC. The children should at least be be reminded to take their plates to the dish washer.

I'm all for having cleaners, I would not want to do without ours but really, a cleaner should not be expected to tidy up, but to clean.

FinallyHere · 25/04/2021 14:27

if she's leaving as early as 4 and all you're needing to do is put some shoes and clothes away and clean up toys and wash up...

OP had the DC in childcare, result house as you left it in the morning. MiL asked to look after the children two days a week, result dirty plates and food left out.

I'd vote for sending them back to childcare. Why should MiL's help mean OP has to tidy up after her?

I might try the 'trying to teach toddler to tidy up' line, admitting that it takes longer but asking MiL to focus on this. If she's not happy with that or can't, then childcare it is.

TheKeatingFive · 25/04/2021 14:30

Just put them back in childcare.

This. You don’t get to call the shots to the degree you’d like if you aren’t paying. If that doesn’t suit you, put them back in nursery.

Caspianberg · 25/04/2021 14:34

That would annoy me too tbh. Not the general mess of toys etc, but that children’s stuff is scattered around like shoes/ clothing/ school things. That would annoy me more than dirty plates tbh as if they usually put them in the right place the other days it’s teaching them bad habits

For things like that, can you have a word with her about how your really trying to teach 5 year old ( and start 2 year old), to put shoes, coat, school things in the correct place so they can find easy the next morning. And that they put dirty laundry in their baskets etc.
Then add a small laundry basket downstairs, a basket for school stuff etc and get your children to do every day regardless and ask granny to ‘help them’..

It doesn’t help with the glasses and plates etc but then tidying kitchen prob only takes 10 mins when home.
Once those things in the right place, in 6 months time you can say you are teaching children to load dishwasher etc..

I don’t see why anyone who things leaving glasses and plates and dirty food out all day is acceptable just because someone isn’t paying someone to clean! It’s hardly Moaning kitchen floors weren’t clean, or dinner prep not fully tidied. A cup someone used at 9am, doesn’t need to still be out at 4pm, just in dishwasher, not even washed and away

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/04/2021 14:35

You seem to have a lot to say about your MIL, but precious little to say to her when she ‘insisted’ on you changing your childcare arrangements. Are you and your husband both incapable of saying no? You say it’s ‘telling’ that your MIL won’t have the children at her house. It’s telling alright - but not in the way you think. It tells me that you’d be happy for your kids to make a mess at her house, but don’t want that mess made in yours - and expect her to clean it up when it happens.

I’m also curious as to why it takes you all evening to clean up, yet you think your MIL should be able to do it easily whilst looking after two under-fives? If these are quick enough jobs for her to do it whilst babysitting, surely they’re quick enough for you to do once the kids have gone to bed?

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2021 14:35

that would annoy me too tbh

How much would it annoy you. Enough you’d pay eighty to a hundred quid a day for child care instead?

ButeIsle · 25/04/2021 14:36

Think I'd arrange a 'meeting' 😉 that night after work...DH would be first in and can spring into action with the DC to tidy up (whilst modelling good practice to his DM) 😂

In all seriousness as your child gets older, this is something you can train/expect of them with positive praise, in front of grandma for doing so.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/04/2021 14:38

I think yanbu

She insisted on having them. Can you explain to her how this is affecting you?

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