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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

218 replies

ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:20

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

OP posts:
SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 09:53

I struggled when mine were young to play and care for them all day AND keep on top of the hiuse. I would doubly so now I'm older. We used to end up "resetting" the house when the kids were on bed.

I partly think parents with kids in full time nursery may not be as aware of what its like with kids home all day! Kids just are a constant round of mess/snacks/changes /play and I'd rather come home to some bits to put away than the kids were sat in front of the tv all day making no mess.

Caring for kids is really hard work but if you look at it from your kids needs rather than your desire for a clean home - your kids are getting so much benefit from being home/close bond with family member/less time in nursery. All these benefits and costing you less!

SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 09:54

@Armi I would never do that!!! If a paid nanny yea - but to a relative who is doing so much for her already gosh no!

EverdeRose · 25/04/2021 09:55

I think you've got a really hard time on here OP. Anyone who has free childcare and expects anything other than an alive child at the end of the day on here always does.

I wouldn't expect her to be wizzing the hoover round or polishing, but I'd expect breakfast and lunch things to be in the dishwasher or in the sink along with cups that had been used, she can't just be leaving half eaten food about.

Could you get into the habit of teaching your children to take their plates to the sink or dishwasher after a meal and ask MIL to enforce it, that way she won't feel your commenting on her childcare techniques.

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 09:56

@SavingsQuestions

I struggled when mine were young to play and care for them all day AND keep on top of the hiuse. I would doubly so now I'm older. We used to end up "resetting" the house when the kids were on bed.

I partly think parents with kids in full time nursery may not be as aware of what its like with kids home all day! Kids just are a constant round of mess/snacks/changes /play and I'd rather come home to some bits to put away than the kids were sat in front of the tv all day making no mess.

Caring for kids is really hard work but if you look at it from your kids needs rather than your desire for a clean home - your kids are getting so much benefit from being home/close bond with family member/less time in nursery. All these benefits and costing you less!

What benefit does the child get from his dirty plates and glasses being left out all day? There is a difference between having a clean home and a tidy home. The OP is asking for a tidy home, not for her MIL to run the hoover round and dust. Just putting dirty dishes away and picking up old clothes...
somersault · 25/04/2021 09:57

Sorry but this is part of non paid for childcare. You could get a cleaner (though most won't also tidy) with the money you are saving?

Armi · 25/04/2021 09:57

[quote SavingsQuestions]@Armi I would never do that!!! If a paid nanny yea - but to a relative who is doing so much for her already gosh no![/quote]
And yet surely it’s what the OP needs to do. She’s pissed off that her MIL isn’t clearing away her plates, so she needs to ask her to do it.

Tlollj · 25/04/2021 09:58

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. As far as I can make out you’re not asking her to do housework, just tidy up a bit. In fact teaching children to tidy up after themselves is a good thing. No clothes or shoes left everywhere is a good thing.
Take her cups and glasses to the kitchen even if she’s too lazy to wash them.
I’ve looked after my dgc it’s what I would do.

AhNowTed · 25/04/2021 09:58

@Armi

Could you say, as you are breezing out of the door, ‘The dishwasher is empty - would you mind putting your plates in there through the day? Thanks!’

If my hypothetical DIL sweetly but clearly passive aggressively suggested that to me, it would be the last time I would be providing daycare.

gingercat02 · 25/04/2021 10:04

Free family childcare is very frowned upon by MN, my parents lived abroad when ds was little but they came to stay for a week or 2 in the school holidays to look after him. My Mum cleaned windows and kitchen cupboards when she stayed, it was lovely but not expected obviously. I think she should leave the house as tidy as it was when she arrived!

SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 10:16

Wow some people.

SavingsQuestions · 25/04/2021 10:17

@AhNowTed exactly!

It would be such a shame to ruin the close relationship the kids have and all the benefits from at home care for the sake of this. Really.

baubled · 25/04/2021 10:23

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to throw clothes in the laundry bin and put pots in the sink!

baubled · 25/04/2021 10:25

@ahnowted you would begrudge putting your dirty pots in an empty dishwasher and would leave them on the table?!

Wow I'm the least tidy person yet I wouldn't leave a house in that much of a shit tip, even if I was babysitting begrudgingly. If I had insisted on having the kids and them being taken out of childcare I'd be even less upset at tidying up the pots I'd used for myself and the kids.

nimbuscloud · 25/04/2021 10:26

Does it really take you all evening to tidy??

AhNowTed · 25/04/2021 10:34

@baubled

No, of course I would put my cups in the dishwasher.

However if I left a cup or plate on the side and my DIL oh so helpfully reminded me to "put them in the dishwasher throughout the day" that would be the end of my free services.

BeneathYourWisdom · 25/04/2021 10:41

I think it’s rude to accept free childcare and expect her to do free tidying and cleaning up after the kids too!

Can’t you get a cleaner with the money you’re saving on childcare?

She’s probably exhausted running round after them, feeding them, doing pick ups etc.

What are you expecting? That she loads/unloads the dishwasher, puts laundry on, takes bins out, wipes surfaces, puts toys away?

If the mess is just toys the kids should be taught to tidy up after themselves not left to mum or mil to do it.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 25/04/2021 10:43

If she's absolutely insisted having them at least once a week then maybe she could have them round her house? I don't think you can insist on her tidying and cleaning though as even if it's her choice she's still providing free childcare. Personally though, I would still (secretly) find coming home to a messy house really annoying. So sort of both YABU and YANBU

UniversitySerf · 25/04/2021 10:43

How long does it take to get the house back to the standard you require?

I would not bat an eyelid but I paid thousands for childcare and we live hundreds of miles from relatives so never had any regular help. Just one weekend do a break once a year.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 25/04/2021 10:45

@ToastAndTea00

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare ..

Thanks @MaMaD1990 I don’t live in a mansion.. and I do think it is plain lazy... gonna get roasted for saying that.

And she also won’t have them at her house which speak volumes personally

Oh, in this case I think I'd take the uproar and insist on sending them back to childcare
Subordinateclause · 25/04/2021 10:48

YANBU that would drive me mad and I'd rather pay for childcare. My PIL also offered quite insistently they wanted to help a day a week - I am more than happy to use paid childcare so I don't consider this a favour as such (I also ensure they see my child every weekend, even if my own parents are visiting from several hundred miles away). Putting away breakfast dishes etc is part of looking after a child. A cleaner would be no help so don't know why that keeps being suggested - they clean, not tidy. I wouldn't expect an immaculate home by any means but would want the very basics done, even if it meant my child watched TV for 15 minutes after lunch or whatever. I'd also want my child to know you should clean up after yourself not leave everything to mum.

MrsTophamHat · 25/04/2021 10:50

Another YABU, sorry. I get that it's annoying but even when I'm in the house myself, that last bit of the day is the messiest bit, when you're just trying to keep them going til dinner.

If the children have had a nice day with their Grandma and have been well looked after, then that has to be the most important thing compared to whether or not your house is tidy.

AuntyHope · 25/04/2021 10:51

I think if it's casual childcare/babysitting to help you out when the alternative would be no childcare/ a babysitter then safe and fed is a reasonable standard, but when it becomes a regular arrangement in place of formal childcare it's important to have a conversation about expectations and if they are not met sufficiently to reevaluate the relationship. These expectations need to be reasonable, like putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher and limiting screen time and treats. Letting the DC destroy the place, stay up late on iPads and eat nothing but Haribo is ok occasionally, but not as a regular thing. If she's not happy with that then you can always put them in childcare again

BurbageBrook · 25/04/2021 10:52

Gosh you do sound pretty ungrateful and unreasonable. Pay a cleaner! And the things you have mentioned — picking up clothes and putting away breakfast things — shouldn’t take ages for you to do anyway.

HerMammy · 25/04/2021 10:54

I don’t see how, washing some dishes and pooping clothes in the wash and a few other bits takes ‘all evening’, 20/30 mins absolute tops.

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 10:54

If you were desperate for free childcare and she was doing you a massive favour, I’d suck it up, but clearly that’s not the case here! She has begged you to pull them out of childcare so she can have them. If she’s going to create additional stress and an evening of tidying for you in the process, I’d be telling her they were going back to Plan A and why. What reason did she give for not having them at her house? That’s what my mum always did.