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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

218 replies

ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:20

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

OP posts:
melj1213 · 26/04/2021 02:38

@londonscalling

Why should your MIL clean up? You don't pay her!
How low are the standards in your house that the only people who are obligated to clean up after themselves are those who are paid to do it?

The OP isn't expecting her MiL to scrub the floors and be grateful for the opportunity, she is expecting her to clear up after herself. That is not an unrealistic expectation of anyone who is in your home.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 06:40

Kid toys yabu..
Her food, plates and cups etc yanbu.
That's idle.
I'd not expect her to clean but I'd expect a table cleared and plates at least stacked by the sink or put in a dishwasher

I think clearing up after yourself is just normal etiquette. It takes 5minutes to clear a table.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 26/04/2021 06:49

Also, for the people saying 'if it only takes 5 mins for MIL to tidy up, why does it take all evening for OP to clean?' they aren't appreciating the cumulative effect of not tidying as you go. My DH always tells me to stop 'tidying all day' but if you think that it takes 5 mins to put dishes in dishwasher and wipe table after one meal but rounding up all the dishes for a whole day and scrubbing off a multitude of day old food stains from all meals and snacks. Ditto toys: 1 minute to put one toy back, but then multiplied by however many toys have been dumped out by the end of the day. It easily adds up, maybe not to a whole evening of tidying but enough to be annoying to come back to.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 06:59

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

Also, for the people saying 'if it only takes 5 mins for MIL to tidy up, why does it take all evening for OP to clean?' they aren't appreciating the cumulative effect of not tidying as you go. My DH always tells me to stop 'tidying all day' but if you think that it takes 5 mins to put dishes in dishwasher and wipe table after one meal but rounding up all the dishes for a whole day and scrubbing off a multitude of day old food stains from all meals and snacks. Ditto toys: 1 minute to put one toy back, but then multiplied by however many toys have been dumped out by the end of the day. It easily adds up, maybe not to a whole evening of tidying but enough to be annoying to come back to.
I agree. Before op even gets to see her kids or start dinner she will need to go picking up random clothes, out shoes away, pick old food off table, collect cups and glasses and wash them, tidy toys. Sounds great fun after work.

Mil could just put discarded clothes in laundry basket and shoes by the door and just pick her plates up and scrape food off table into the bin and stack plates, get kids to tidy toys back into toy boxes after they've finished each activity.
Hardly rocket science and means someone isn't coming in from work to a disaster area.
So lazy.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/04/2021 08:17

Before op even gets to see her kids or start dinner she will need to go picking up random clothes, out shoes away, pick old food off table, collect cups and glasses and wash them, tidy toys. Sounds great fun after work.

Why does she ‘need’ to pick up and wash cups and glasses before she sees her children? If a teacup’s been there since the morning, guess what - it will still be there when the kids have gone to bed. It’s a couple of cups and plates; she doesn’t have to deal with them immediately. If she wants to wash cups and put away toys before seeing her children, that’s her choice - but I think it’s pretty sad that a desire for tidiness would come before that.

maddening · 26/04/2021 08:31

But the op doesn't want free childcare and potentially feels her dc would have more engaged childcare in nursery, it is the gm that has demanded the arrangement, one that makes the ops life harder as she does not clear up after herself.

TheKeatingFive · 26/04/2021 08:35

I hate this society where you’re seen to be taking the piss because you don’t pay for one day of childcare because a GP wants to look after them and can’t be bothered to actually look after them.

I hate this attitude whereby people can’t just say no to something that doesn’t suit them, particularly things as key as childcare.

Honestly, it’s ridiculous

TheKeatingFive · 26/04/2021 08:38

it is the gm that has demanded the arrangement

This is just silly. GPs don’t get to ‘demand’ they mind their grandchildren. Decisions on their care come down to their parents.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 26/04/2021 08:38

Damn MIL wanting to spend time with her GC.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/04/2021 09:09

@maddening

But the op doesn't want free childcare and potentially feels her dc would have more engaged childcare in nursery, it is the gm that has demanded the arrangement, one that makes the ops life harder as she does not clear up after herself.
If you’re old enough to have a five year-old child, you’re too old to act like one. An adult does not have to give in to ‘demands’ in this way.
SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 09:22

@LeaveMyDamnJam

Damn MIL wanting to spend time with her GC.
She can. She can do it at her house, or you know, clean up her mess at op's.

Put your dishes and old food away isn't op asking much.
Not leaving house a bomb site isn't asking much.
I don't take my kids to anyones house and let them toss clothes around and shoes.
If breakfast and lunch stuff is just festering at 4pm that's pretty grim.

TheKeatingFive · 26/04/2021 09:25

She can. She can do it at her house, or you know, clean up her mess at op's

She could also do it at a time when she’s not providing free childcare.

Up to the OP.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 09:27

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Before op even gets to see her kids or start dinner she will need to go picking up random clothes, out shoes away, pick old food off table, collect cups and glasses and wash them, tidy toys. Sounds great fun after work.

Why does she ‘need’ to pick up and wash cups and glasses before she sees her children? If a teacup’s been there since the morning, guess what - it will still be there when the kids have gone to bed. It’s a couple of cups and plates; she doesn’t have to deal with them immediately. If she wants to wash cups and put away toys before seeing her children, that’s her choice - but I think it’s pretty sad that a desire for tidiness would come before that.

How can you make a meal around a filthy table? You'll need to clear it before eating so hardly like op can just pretend it's not happening. Plus if she's anything like me (she may not be) I can't relax in a disaster area and then spend my evening tidying the whole trail of destruction.

Maybe op you can just set out one room or one box of toys for the day and a bag for washing so it's contained.

It would drive me mad.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 09:30

@TheKeatingFive

She can. She can do it at her house, or you know, clean up her mess at op's

She could also do it at a time when she’s not providing free childcare.

Up to the OP.

She never asked for free childcare. Granny said I'll look after gc. If granny thinks this level of mess is ok, she can have them at her house.
TheKeatingFive · 26/04/2021 09:33

If granny thinks this level of mess is ok, she can have them at her house.

This weren’t the terms that granny offered. So no.

If this isn’t working for the OP, she needs to put the child in nursery and that’s the end of it. Her house is her own. Granny visits happen on the weekend.

SympathyFatigue · 26/04/2021 09:39

@TheKeatingFive

If granny thinks this level of mess is ok, she can have them at her house.

This weren’t the terms that granny offered. So no.

If this isn’t working for the OP, she needs to put the child in nursery and that’s the end of it. Her house is her own. Granny visits happen on the weekend.

I agree. I'm just wondering i suppose if she would have them at her and not clear a table.
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 26/04/2021 09:41

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable but you do have a choice here and can put them back in childcare.

MaMaD1990 · 26/04/2021 09:53

@StillCoughingandLaughing Comments like that are unhelpful if they're a simple "YABU because of x, y and z" with nothing to offer up in terms of actual advice - and when it's been said about a million times before, yes it is a pile on and completely unnecessary and unhelpful. And for what it's worth a pile on constitutes many many posters jumping on a poster with the same scewed opinion over and over - me having a brief dialogue with 1 poster does not a pile on make.

LittleTiger007 · 26/04/2021 09:55

I can see why the mess is annoying and that is exhausting for you to tidy up and clean every evening. However, if you are not paying her then you are being unreasonable. She is already providing free childcare.
If you want childcare and a clean home then you need to pay an actual nanny/housekeeper.

LittleTiger007 · 26/04/2021 10:00

I’d be very frustrated by it for sure but it’s a tricky one as she’s not on a salary. Presumably you have asked her to put things away?
I’d be making other arrangements OP. Days granny wants kids she can have them at her house.

indy2please · 26/04/2021 10:21

@ToastAndTea00

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with
It shouldn't take you a whole evening to deal with that? That sounds like a quick 10 min tidy?
VodkaSlimline · 26/04/2021 10:25

YANBU. I do plenty of free childcare for friends and family and I always keep things clean and tidy! Not much point in "helping out" if your help creates more work for the people you're helping.

LittleTiger007 · 26/04/2021 10:48

I agree @VodkaSlimline. I look after my sister’s kids a lot in the evenings/ weekends and I always clean up, tidy up, do some ironing, load the dishwasher... or whatever to help out. But she’d never expect it of me. I can understand OP being VERY tired of this ... but posting on the internet is YABU because her childcare is not an employee.

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/04/2021 10:51

If this is bothering you then ask your mil to take them to her house.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/04/2021 12:23

How can you make a meal around a filthy table? You'll need to clear it before eating so hardly like op can just pretend it's not happening.

‘Filthy’? Christ, what’s she doing; shitting on the table and smearing it in? People love to get dramatic about cleanliness on MN.