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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

218 replies

ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:20

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

OP posts:
Insertfunnyname · 25/04/2021 07:51

I think it’s a conversation your Dh should be having as it’s his mum. Leave your husband to either do the tidying OR discuss with his mother.

Either way don’t take on the wife work of finding a solution.

FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2021 07:52

That sounds like about five minutes worth of cleaning up. Honestly, for the sake of an easy life - I'd just suck it up. She clearly wants to be a part of their lives and it giving up a big chunk of her time to make that happen. I wouldn't rock the boat over this.

Thatwentbadly · 25/04/2021 07:52

Then don’t leave your MIL in your house. Send your kids to childcare or pay for nanny.

beginningoftheend · 25/04/2021 07:52

I think you should put them into childcare or arrange for her to have them in her house.
YABU but I think in an acceptable way - as in if you are happy to pay the extra for childcare you can solve the problem easily!

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 07:53

@ToastAndTea00

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with
Ah, yes that would piss me off no end with the dirty plates and glasses. Assuming you don't live in a mansion where your DS plays in another wing to where the kitchen is located, she's being plain lazy not taking them to the kitchen at least. People posting passive aggressively about you not paying her are total classic MN and don't live in the real world. Is she the type of person you could speak to about it?
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2021 07:53

@ToastAndTea00

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with
OK, that’s a bit different. Have you never mentioned it? I would- you don’t need to be snarky about it but it should be possible to mention that it would really help if she’d load the pots into the dishwasher or make sure lunch things were washed up.
ElaborateSalad · 25/04/2021 07:53

Tidy house with a toddler? Good luck with that one.

Thatswatshesaid · 25/04/2021 07:54

Get a childminder or put them back in childcare if you are not happy with they way she looks after them.
She likely does tidy up, as I’m sure you know kids make a lot of mess. Just not as much as you would like.

FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2021 07:54

How much time is she spending on her phone when with your kids? How do you know? Is it all the time or just during down times - like nap time?

Checkingout811 · 25/04/2021 07:54

Surely it doesn’t take you all evenings to move shoes and wash dishes?

ElaborateSalad · 25/04/2021 07:54

Ah, posted before reading the thread. Yeah it is a bit annoying if it isn't the kid's mess.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 25/04/2021 07:56

How much do you pay her?

Original poster
ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:56

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare ..

Thanks @MaMaD1990 I don’t live in a mansion.. and I do think it is plain lazy... gonna get roasted for saying that.

And she also won’t have them at her house which speak volumes personally

OP posts:
Laggartha · 25/04/2021 07:57

So you took them out of childcare to do your MiL a favour? Why don't you go back to paying for childcare and the family can visit MiL for quality grandmother time on a weekend?

babypinkelephant · 25/04/2021 07:58

@ToastAndTea00

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare ..

Thanks @MaMaD1990 I don’t live in a mansion.. and I do think it is plain lazy... gonna get roasted for saying that.

And she also won’t have them at her house which speak volumes personally

But she's doing YOU a favour, why does she need to look after your children and tidy up her house after ?
Fnib · 25/04/2021 07:59

Not sure I think you're unreasonable. She's asked you to pull them out so she could look after them. You're not asking her to be a cleaner, you'd simply like things to be put away after they're used.
It's time to try to communicate. What do you want? Would you be happier with kids in childcare and a tidier home? Working all day and coming home to chaos is the worst of both worlds ime.
It's hard when someone is trying to help you out, but not the way you would like. She's got you between a rock and a hard place I think. How easy is she to talk to? Is she trying to help or wanting to spend time with her grandchildren?

Theglassmakerofmurano · 25/04/2021 08:00

You are being very unreasonable. I assume you have free childcare yet you complain she’s not being tidy enough.

You could always pay to send the child to nursery.

RoseGoldEagle · 25/04/2021 08:01

This would drive me mad too, BUT I would recognise this was my choice- either send the children to nursery instead (she "insisted" of having them 1-2 days a week? They're your kids, just say 'no' if you don't want this arrangement), or accept you will be cleaning up the mess yourself. I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and 6 month old and I find I either run myself ragged trying to fit in both playing with the kids AND keeping the house straight, or I focus on the kids and the house is more a less a tip at the end of the day- it's hard work either way and I think in your position I'd prefer your MIL to focus on the kids rather than the house. You say she spends a lot of time on her phone- if you think she's doing this a lot (and I mean a lot, everyone does it a bit!), iinstead of playing with the kids then I'd put the kids in nursery. If I thought the kids had had a brilliant day with MIL then I"d not mind the mess, if I thought she was just 'minding' them, then I would mind, but I wouldn't mention that- I'd just up their nursery days

Countrygirl2021 · 25/04/2021 08:02

I actually think that good parenting I involves teaching children to pick up after themselves and put things away before more comes out. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask mil to action this with the toddler. He's old enough to put things away.

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 08:03

@babyelephant She's not doing her a favour if she's leaving the house like a pig sty, sitting on her phone instead of looking after her DS and OP would be happy to send DS back to childcare. OP only took him out because MIL wanted to look after her DS. You could easily argue OP is doing her MIL all the favours here - MIL wanted to do the childcare, part of that job is taking stinking dishes back to the kitchen when they're finished (perhaps she could do that and reduce her phone activity by a few minutes).

MaMaD1990 · 25/04/2021 08:04

That was replying to @babypinkelephant - whoops!

Sleepingdogs12 · 25/04/2021 08:04

You knew she likes to play on her phone all day when you agreed for her to have the children. I would be more upset about this rather than how tidy the house is. I presume she takes and collects from school too? This seems to be what you bargained for i am afraid but generally in life I would expect someone to respect my home while they were there regardless of what they are doing but I would be pleased to come home and see lots of evidence of play and a good time.

Dunderblue · 25/04/2021 08:04

You MIL isn't there to clean, she's there to look after your kids. Even if there's uproar, if you prioritise a tidy house over your children being cared for by a relative rather than a daycare, then you should put them back in daycare anyway. They're your children and it's your home, you have to do what you want to do.
But your MIL should definitely not be cleaning up. If that bothers you then send your kids back to childcare and take the heat from your family. Or offer MIL a tenner a day to be the cleaner as well.

ememem84 · 25/04/2021 08:06

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re not hoping for the house to be deep cleaned when you get back just tidy. Or as tidy as it can be with kids that age. Nothing wrong with expecting plates etc to be put away/washed up/ shoved in dishwasher.

FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2021 08:07

"You could easily argue OP is doing her MIL all the favours here - MIL wanted to do the childcare, part of that job is taking stinking dishes back to the kitchen when they're finished (perhaps she could do that and reduce her phone activity by a few minutes)."

I can't imagine anyone would engineer a situation where they would be sitting on a phone in a hovel minding children the don't want to interact with.

If this is the situation, honestly presented, then I'd suggest that the mil has taken on far more than she can chew and may be relieved at the thought of the children going back in to childcare.

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