Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

218 replies

ToastAndTea00 · 25/04/2021 07:20

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/04/2021 14:38

I find people on here quite gleeful whenever an OP reports a bad experience with family child care.

Caspianberg · 25/04/2021 14:45

@Bluntness100 - possibly. I would probably want them to see grandma if possible, but if I teach mine Something 5-6 days a week, ie get home and shoes off and on shelf, I don’t see why grandma can’t say ‘ oh Freddie, shoes on shelf please like mummy says’, rather than allowing dirt brought in and schools shoes lost under bed. It’s not like granny has to do half of it, just remind kids, especially eldest to do something op says they do usually anyway.
Mess that they just didn’t have time to wipe or clean up as busy with child I wouldn’t be bothered about.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/04/2021 14:48

@MaMaD1990

I agree, it's not difficult and I think OP probably understands that now and it's easier for us as outsiders to see the options. It's the unhelpful comments that her MIL is not there to clean her house or paid etc etc that are unnecessary and don't help the OP at all - it's a pile on (classic AIBU). This post you've written is much more helpful than the passive aggressive one you originally wrote.
I don’t think this comments are ‘unhelpful’ or ‘unnecessary’. Actually they’re pretty pertinent. The MIL is looking after the children unpaid, which, even if it was her idea, is a useful saving - yet the OP is still not happy. So yes, I think it IS helpful to remind the OP of that.

It’s ironic that you accuse others of a ‘pile-on’ (classic MN reaction to any criticism of the OP), yet have aimed several critical comments at one poster.

TheKeatingFive · 25/04/2021 14:55

It’s disingenuous to hide behind this idea that she ‘insisted’ on having them.

You are the boss of you, OP. If it doesn’t work for you, put a stop to it.

HintOfVintagePink · 25/04/2021 14:56

@ToastAndTea00

And the children DO tidy up after themselves. It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off.. I do encourage my children to clean up after themselves.. and I’m not being particular about the toys being out as that’s what they are there for, to be played with
OP I was about to rant about how ‘people like you’ have no idea how fortunate you are to have free childcare! However on reading this post, I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to expect the things you have mentioned above to be done. I might expect the lunch things to be on the table at tea time, at a push, but these things can easily be done as you go along.

You aren’t expecting perfection or for the house to be cleaner than when you left for work. Yanbu.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 25/04/2021 14:59

So your options are take the free childcare and tidy up in the evening or pay nursery - just choose which suits you best and go with it. If there’s uproar then just explain that on balance the need to tidy up so much makes paying for nursery the easier option for you. Then it’s up to her if she wants to do childcare and tidying up or neither. If there’s uproar ie MiL kicks off then just let her and smile politely. No need for all the angst. Just decide what bothers you less - mess one day a week or paying £3k more per year for childcare.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 25/04/2021 15:00

@TheKeatingFive

It’s disingenuous to hide behind this idea that she ‘insisted’ on having them.

You are the boss of you, OP. If it doesn’t work for you, put a stop to it.

This. You have agency, use it. Some people on here act like they have no control over their own childcare decisions...all this talk about in laws insisting is really weird. They can offer but they can’t insist unless you’re a complete wimp who is incapable of making decisions about where your children spend their days!
PinkArt · 25/04/2021 20:16

Either it's a small job for your mil to do, or it's something that takes you all evening. I'm not sure how it can be both.
Honestly, I'm amazed at your audacity to call her Iazy when she's working - unpaid! - for you looking after your kids. If this set up doesn't work, change it, but to complain about the level of a service you don't even pay for is rich.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 25/04/2021 20:22

My Mum is the opposite to this, she would probably make it look tidier than when she arrived Grin. I do think it’s rude to leave someone else’s house in a mess, even if you’re there doing them a favour. It would be the same if someone came over to, say, paint your room. I wouldn’t expect them to leave paint tins and dust sheets all over the place. I think it’s just a bit disrespectful really. I’d be inclined to put them back in nursery.

Movinghouseatlast · 25/04/2021 20:25

Do you pay her for her time?

Pebbledashery · 25/04/2021 20:25

God. I'll show you my invoices from nursery and then you'll feel unreasonable.
I can put up with a bit of mess if someone is helping me.. Nobody tidies up in the way I do so even if they tried I'd still do it again so best off leaving it. You're v unreasonable.

Brownfrown · 25/04/2021 20:31

I think you need to say to her that you either need the house to be tidier or you’re putting the kids back in nursery.

It sounds harsh but if you like a tidy house this is a nightmare. I would rather pay nursery than come back to that twice a week. It’s giving you an extra job! You either work don’t have to clear up after your kids all day, or don’t have to work but do have to do all the clearing up.

KingdomScrolls · 25/04/2021 22:46

My MIL is like this, I'll come home and every single toy in the house is out, washing up piled in the sink rather than in the empty dishwasher. DS looking like he's been dressed from a jumble sale. BUT in non Covid times ((had to pick a childcare bubble and DM lives much closer) she's saving us a fortune and does random things like mows the lawn or weeds/jetwashes the patio while DS is napping. DM ran a nursery for 25 years, so gets DS to help with 'tidy up time' etc, has more settled activities and tidies up one before moving to the next and does lovely things like throw a load of washing in or mops the floors, or bakes while DS naps. Our nursery costs pretty much £75 a day, so even if I come back to a bomb site it's not worth £75 a day to come home to the house as I left it.
I know it'll get better now anyway, warmer weather and things opening up so they'll be out with him most of the time (we provide annual passes to local farm park, aquarium etc, it's a good idea to get them out and about without expecting grandma to organise or pay). Also it's lovely that DS is so close to his grandmas

independentfriend · 25/04/2021 23:28

I think it's useful to remember how old your mother in law is / what health stuff she's got going on. Assuming she's 20-30 years older than you, childcare is likely to be disporportionately tiring for her than for you. Tidying is maybe a step too far for her, unless she can really get the kids to help her with it.

melj1213 · 26/04/2021 00:02

It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off..

I was all ready to come and say you were 100% unreasonable based on your opening post but with this clarification I think YANBU to expect these things to be done but YABU not to just address them in a conversation and for the hyperbole that these kinds of things take you all evening to deal with.

Clearing up the table after eating has always been part of mealtimes in my family and even if your MiL doesn't fully clean up the least she could do is ensure the dirty plates etc are put in the sink/dishwasher and the table is wiped down after meal times and any dirty cups or glasses meet the same fate.

For things like clothes, does she know how you handle clothing in your house? For example in my house DD and I both have a place for clothes that have been worn (so don't want to put back in the wardrobe) but not dirty enough to need washing, whereas my DSis just has her kids throw everything in the laundry basket and she washes everything after one wear. Could you leave a laundry basket/box somewhere and ask MiL to put any clothes they have worn into that through the course of the day - you will still have to go through it but at least it will all be in one place and MIL has no excuse to leave clothes lying around when you have given her an explicit request to put them in a specific place.

As for shoes, do you have a rack/box etc that they are normally put in? If so then just tell MiL that shoes are being misplaced so could she please ensure that they put them immediately into the rack/box when they come into the house.

reader12 · 26/04/2021 00:12

I think not clearing up after meals is a bit poor. Toys and chaos everywhere, fair enough, but food out on the table from hours before is rude.

PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 00:15

I think one should always leave a space better than one found it.

PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 00:18

@ToastAndTea00

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare ..

Thanks @MaMaD1990 I don’t live in a mansion.. and I do think it is plain lazy... gonna get roasted for saying that.

And she also won’t have them at her house which speak volumes personally

It is bone lazy, OP, and YANBU. Who the F leaves meal dishes sitting around all day, or dirty clothes on the floor.

What a pig she is. I'd come up with some pretext to put them back in nursery.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2021 00:19

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare

So? Who cares? Let her have a tantrum if she wants to. I'd rather deal with that than come home to a filthy house, even if it is just one day a week. That would drive me crazy.

DastardlytheFriendlyMutt · 26/04/2021 00:31

It’s more like (and yes I can understand I might be being picky) food left on the table from breakfast and lunch.. used glasses left around, their change of clothing on the floor, shoes just dumped where they’re taken off..

After reading your posts, I would just put them in childcare as leaving food out is dirty and you could get an infestation. Toys out only, then definitely YABU, but it's more than that

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2021 00:34

She’s not doing you any favours if she insisted. Would it solve your problem if you said you can’t cope, it’s her house or childcare? (Ie does her house open up other problems?)

HerRoyalNotness · 26/04/2021 00:43

Fgs there are some people with low standards on here. If I was making the dishes, I.e. feeding the kids and myself 2 meals and snacks of course I’d pick up the mess. That’s standard surely!

YAnBU. I hate this society where you’re seen to be taking the piss because you don’t pay for one day of childcare because a GP wants to look after them and can’t be bothered to actually look after them.

londonscalling · 26/04/2021 00:57

Why should your MIL clean up? You don't pay her!

PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 01:27

@HerRoyalNotness

Fgs there are some people with low standards on here. If I was making the dishes, I.e. feeding the kids and myself 2 meals and snacks of course I’d pick up the mess. That’s standard surely!

YAnBU. I hate this society where you’re seen to be taking the piss because you don’t pay for one day of childcare because a GP wants to look after them and can’t be bothered to actually look after them.

Exactly this. Any normal, functional adult cleans up as they go. Paid or unpaid.

MIL is taking the piss and showing her contempt for you.

Put the children back in nursery. Tell her it's easier to do that than come home to hours of housework and let her fuck off.

tortoiselover100 · 26/04/2021 01:27

YABU!!!

Free childcare and you're moaning about your house not being 'just so' on your return.