AIBU to want my house to be tidy..

[ToastAndTea00]

When I arrive home from work? It’s clean and tidy when I leave for work.

My MIL looks after DC once per week whilst I work. For context DD is 5 and DS is 2.5. DD attends school full time and I usually do the drop off. So MIL has DS all day (until 4pm)

When I arrive home my house looks like a bomb has gone off.. aibu to want it just a little tidy? I then spend my whole evening tidying up the mess that’s been left.

(Not sure if this matters but MIL is prone to sitting on phone and playing games).

I can't see how it takes the "whole evening" to tidy away a change of clothes and the lunch dishes

[quote MaMaD1990]@babyelephant She's not doing her a favour if she's leaving the house like a pig sty, sitting on her phone instead of looking after her DS and OP would be happy to send DS back to childcare. OP only took him out because MIL wanted to look after her DS. You could easily argue OP is doing her MIL all the favours here - MIL wanted to do the childcare, part of that job is taking stinking dishes back to the kitchen when they're finished (perhaps she could do that and reduce her phone activity by a few minutes).[/quote]
Well then she should use the money she's having in childcare for a cleaner or literally just have a frank discussion with her MiL about tidying up.

If MiL doesn't like it then OP has two choices, send the kids back to childcare and have a clean house or just suck it up and carry on.

It's not that difficult

I have the same issue: I kind of knew that would be the case though so when mil offered to do childcare for us I accepted that would be how things were and it’d be the pay off for the free childcare

I agree, it's not difficult and I think OP probably understands that now and it's easier for us as outsiders to see the options. It's the unhelpful comments that her MIL is not there to clean her house or paid etc etc that are unnecessary and don't help the OP at all - it's a pile on (classic AIBU). This post you've written is much more helpful than the passive aggressive one you originally wrote.

I know how small, daily, repetitive things can get annoying like this. But I think looking at the big picture, you are really fortunate.

We would love any help at all from family with our 3 kids (youngest is 1) but we don't have any. My mum has dementia so it's more that we are trying to support and help them. Alongside raising our kids. We are very fortunate too in so many ways. Roof over our heads, plenty of food, enough money, good health...,.It's easy for me to feel fed up at times as we never seem to get a break, but I find looking at the big picture is helpful.

When my mum has my daughter I don't expect her to wash up or tidy toys away but I guess yes I'd hope there wouldn't be food and clothes every where as for me it's just naturally to tidy those up as you go along?

The fact it takes ALL night to clear up though sounds abit extreme!? X

@MaMaD1990

I agree, it's not difficult and I think OP probably understands that now and it's easier for us as outsiders to see the options. It's the unhelpful comments that her MIL is not there to clean her house or paid etc etc that are unnecessary and don't help the OP at all - it's a pile on (classic AIBU). This post you've written is much more helpful than the passive aggressive one you originally wrote.

Again....*@babypinkelephant*

How do you know she is sitting on her phone playing games? are you just assuming? I think YABU. She is looking after your kids for free. Does she also do afternoon school run?
The mess you are talking about isn't that big a deal, and she's probably got her hands full with a toddler (even more full if she is doing the school run just before you get back).
Think of the amount of money you are saving and just have a quick whip round when you get back, and count yourself lucky you have help with childcare!

I can see how it's annoying but you are still being U. Your only other option is to put them in to childcare. She's there to care for DC and no requirement to tidy although of course it would be nice if she did.

She’s there to look after THEM not look after and clean your HOME. yabu.

My DM used to look after my two at my house once a week, house would be spotless when I got home, and she would have usually done some ironing etc. I never asked her or expected it but it was wonderful and I used to tell her & show her how grateful I was. I don't understand how your MIL can't see how frustrating this is, just because she's providing 'free' childcare for her grandchildren surely doesn't mean she can wreak the house! I agree with you op it is lazy. There's no way I would do this for my own grandchildren/children I'd want to make their lives easier not harder.

I can see that this must be really frustrating, but on the other hand think YABU. Similar aged kids here and I'm a SAHM, and I'm sad to say that when the kids are home our house is just messy. From an outside perspective you'd think, it would only take 2 minutes to pick up those shoes / wipe that table / do the dishes, but I do those things. It's just in the 2 minutes I turn my back to do those jobs a new mess has been created. It's not too bad during the day whilst my eldest is at school, but when they're both at home it just turns to chaos. I always worry that people think I must be being lazy, so maybe your post just highlights what I worry other people think. Thankfully DH doesn't seem to mind and helps me clear up at the end of the day. I find the relentless tidying/cleaning necessary to keep this level of messy infuriating, but have always hoped it's just an age thing. I understand you're in a tricky predicament with your MIL though, which must be difficult.

OP,
Does she engage with them at all?
Why would she want to do this if she is not interested in them.

It would irritate me to come home to such an unnecessary mess, breakfast and lunch still on the table?
That is just plain dirty.

If it no longer suits you, send them back.

If it's more work than it's worth, return them and tell her it is easier if they are in care.

Do the children prefer being in their own home?
This would be key.

Could your husband come home those days first?
Might spike her conscience.

Why not use a nursery and just have you MIL around for coffee sometimes?

I dont think it is unreasonable for her to be doing basic pick up and putting away. Your not asking her to wash up or do housework. But the kids should treat the house the same all the time and she is teaching them to walk away from mess and making your life harder. Could you work it so your partner gets home first and deals with the mess and her or just leave it till he comes home so he gets annoyed about it. I'd get him to have a word with her, if it didn't change then back to childcare. She wanted them she can follow basic manners and rules to look after them.

YABU she's a grandparent providing free childcare for your DC, not your au pair.

Like the others have said you get free childcare so expectations have to be lowered unfortunately. She sounds lazy but you must have somewhat known that before you agreed to this arrangement?

My mum has been my childcare in the past and my house would always be immaculate when I returned so I do understand your frustration as I would have been annoyed if it was a tip when I came home but I paid her so it's a different dynamic, although she would have tidied anyway as she's a neat person. This sounds like the stress isn't worth the money saved. For me it would come down to what setting your children are happiest in though. 2.5 probably prefers to be home with 1 caregiver I assume? Although perhaps not if she on her phone a lot and not engaged with him? If he enjoys nursery then I would drop the grandma arrangement.

Putting clothes changes in the laundry bin, clearing the stuff off the table to next to the sink, wiping down spills, and collecting up used glasses should be done IMO. Washing up, putting toys away, washing the used clothes, absolutely not.

Demanding that she do any of the above isn't on of course, but then neither is expecting you to put up with it all, when you're happy to pay for childcare elsewhere. I think you need to have a conversation with your MIL and DH, and find a compromise.
I see 3 main options:
1 She picks up after herself and you carry on with the current arrangement
2 You pay for childcare fulltime
3 You pay for a cleaner who arrives 1 hour before you get home, and cleans up.

I can't see option 3 being taken with good grace, but it's the only way you can do as so many posters have suggested, and used the saved money to get a cleaner, whilst still not having to tidy up the immediate mess when you get home from work.

As the Duke said : just get on with it.

Could you limit the amount of toys you leave out? Make the lunch for them all in advance and leave in fridge? I shared a nanny/childminder with my friend once a week and we swapped houses for them to be in each week. One of the rules was that all of the children don’t play upstairs, so it doesn’t get messed up. It was the childminder/nanny’s idea and it worked really well. You could just say you’d like her help to encourage the children to be tidier because you’re finding that tricky too - don’t make it sound like it’s her fault.

I understand how annoying it is to come home to the mess when you've left it tidy but I would have to say you are being unreasonable. I have a similar issue when my mum looks after after my children (unpaid) she always tidies up and doesn't let my children leave a mess. When my stepdad watches them (unpaid) I usually come in to a bombsite. I have 2 different friends who sometimes babysit for me (paid) and one always tidies up, the other the place is a mess with toys and stuff everywhere. I always tell tidy friends not to bother as I feel guilty but she does it anyway. I don't feel annoyed with messy friend because she's done me a big enough favour by just looking after and entertaining my children.

I do understand your frustration though my heart sinks when I come back and see the mess I'm left with but I'm just grateful for the childcare so I can see past it.

I get where you’re coming from. I mean who wouldn’t want free child care, and even better child care that comes to your home so you don’t have collections and drop offs, and a lovely tidy home after they’ve been,

But no you simply can’t ask for that. It’s cheeky 😂

Unless you pay her you are being massively unreasonable. She is saving you a ton in childcare costs and then you want to moan about her sitting on her phone and playing games? Not on. I wouldn't be impressed if you came to me with this complaint, I would suggest you find alternative childcare and that way your children won't be home to make a mess.

Might be worth teaching your children to tidy up after playtime and asking MIL to enforce this.

I think there would be uproar if I suggested putting them back in to childcare

I wouldn’t care.

If tidying up all evening annoys you so much, tell her you’re putting the kids back in daycare and why. What does your partner say? Are they helping tidy the house? Could they explain the situation to MIL?

Could you say, as you are breezing out of the door, ‘The dishwasher is empty - would you mind putting your plates in there through the day? Thanks!’