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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

192 replies

Pomped · 22/04/2021 10:40

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

OP posts:
Clymene · 22/04/2021 10:46

How rude! A) of the friend to complain about it and b) of the mutual friend to tell you.

No one should expect gifts, particularly for a 3rd child.

Your friends sound grabby and insensitive. Can you find some new ones?

Rosieposy89 · 22/04/2021 10:50

YANBU. It's a bit grabby to expect gifts tbh, a card is enough. You can always send vouchers if you want to gift but not send a present. I have dealt with infertility so I completely understand the need to escape from it all and you need to protect yourself. I would expect a friend to understand why this is hard for you and to appreciate what they have. Hugs x

CruCru · 22/04/2021 10:53

Honestly? Most people with new babies get given so much stuff they are drowning in it. A card is fine.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2021 10:53

I don’t send new baby gifts unless I’m particularly close to the parents (although granted, I and most of my friends are childfree by choice so babies are actually pretty rare and it wouldn’t break the bank to send more gifts), acquaintances and people who are just peripheral friends get a card. I also don’t send birthday presents at all unless I see the child and they’d recognise me.

I think you need an all or nothing approach, and to just be honest if anyone ever says anything (which is incredibly rude, and anyone who complained that they hadn’t had enough presents wouldn’t be somebody whose opinion or feelings I gave a toss about in any case!) and say you can’t afford to be buying so many presents all the time but obviously wish them well, hence the nice card

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/04/2021 10:54

Yanbu at all. Expecting presents is unreasonable. Especially for a third child. Most people have far too much stuff and will be quite happy with just a card. It's nice to get presents of course - but definitely not expected and it would not change my opinion of a friend whether they bought one or not. Especially as you sound like a kind and generous person.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/04/2021 10:54

Nobody should expect gifts.

Supersimkin2 · 22/04/2021 10:55

Your friends are rude, OP.

A card is more than enough.

GreenLeafTurnip · 22/04/2021 10:58

When my son was born I was so surprised by the amount of people who sent presents and we aren't in the UK so they had to take the time and expense to send abroad as well! I think you've probably just got a bit of a rotten apple there with that particular friend. Maybe distance yourself a bit and unless you especially want to send a present I think a card is more than enough. In fact the cards we got are the most special to us and I still have them up after 2 years!

Snowpaw · 22/04/2021 11:01

I reckon a gift at birth and cards thereafter at birthdays is fine. Or, be an impromptu present giver, like if you’re going to visit the family socially then bring an occasional gift for them for no reason (if you want to!) and not to any strict pattern you feel obliged to keep to. Gift from the heart, when you feel like doing and only because you want to.

Original poster
Pomped · 22/04/2021 11:01

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I’ve been feeling so guilty and low since that message from a friend - she is lovely but quite self absorbed.

The issue is to that person, that child is clearly the most special and wonderful thing in the universe. And with social media / WhatsApp groups there are very public thank you’s which seems to make it worse. It’s like the gift is some kind of performance as to how much you value their friendship

Interestingly 30% on the poll say IABU but no one has commented from that perspective yet...?

OP posts:
WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 22/04/2021 11:02

I would always send a new baby gift, even just something small. My friend sent me a big bar of chocolate when one of my babies was born, probably cost £2.50 but was one of my favourite presents and one of the few I've remembered.

I think differentiating between 1st/2nd/3rd or whatever babies is a bit shit, but plenty people do.

I absolutely wouldn't be sending them all birthday gifts though! To me that would only be really close family or friends I see regularly.

Original poster
Pomped · 22/04/2021 11:02

And just to say...I do love buying gifts....and I am generous...it’s just become unsustainable as all and sundry have multiple children.

It’s not about receiving in return (as I’ve accepted that won’t ever happen)

OP posts:
Nith · 22/04/2021 11:13

I never get birthday presents for friends' children unless it's something like a birthday party. I suggest you put a stop to that immediately.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 11:16

I always get something cheapish for mum like a box of dairy milk and a card. If you feel like you have to justify yourself (which you don't, they are just CF to expect a gift) just say money is tight if you don't want to explain the hurt.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 11:17

Agree re birthday gifts, there's no need to send them

Nodancingshoes · 22/04/2021 11:20

I only buy gifts for the babies of close friends. Same with birthday gifts for their children and these stop after their 18th birthday. This would be my 4 best friends. A card is fine in all other circumstances. We have agreed not to do xmas gifts for each others kids as there are 11 of them in total so too expensive all at the same time. My 5th friend has no children. She doesnt do birthday gifts for the kids and I would not ever expect her to. She sends thoughtful, personal cards which are lovely.

cadburyegg · 22/04/2021 11:21

YANBU

I have two children and I don’t expect cards or gifts. They really only get gifts from family members and very close friends. A card is more than sufficient

InTheNightWeWillWish · 22/04/2021 11:29

When my friend had her second baby, I was so disorganised. So the card didn’t even go into the post until baby was 4 weeks old. The present didn’t turn up until he was about 3 months old Blush I texted my friend to apologise and say it’s not because I wasn’t valuing the birth because it was the second child, I was just shit. She texted me laughing, saying she didn’t need a gift and she was partly to blame for having a baby during a global pandemic!

Your friend is really rude and being grabby. I think with the first few babies in a group, it’s exciting to buy presents including birthday presents but then as time goes on it becomes really expensive. Even without the hurt of your infertility on top of it. I think it’s fine to change when you gift as you get more and more children in your life. If you’re finding it hard giving newborn gifts, maybe consider a gift for the mother or a restaurant voucher. I personally do a handful of birthdays because like you said, otherwise you’re just buying a present every week. I would just say to your friends that it’s too expensive to keep buying presents now.

CounsellorTroi · 22/04/2021 11:35

I get you OP. It is wearying and soul destroying constantly buying new baby cards and stuff while knowing your turn will likely never come. Flowers.

Parkandride · 22/04/2021 11:36

Oh I feel for you, it is rubbish that gifts are all about pairing up and reproducing. There was a thread the other day that reminded me that new jobs, pets, etc are all valid gift giving opportunities too to try break away from that!

You absolutely don't need to send anything, I get why parents might be a bit miffed their subsequent children get less fanfare but that's not why they had them.

If it purely is about the feelings then how about going and buying 3/5/10 identical generic cards and same number of a nice book or whatever for the baby, wrap them or stick them in envelopes ready to add a name and post. The less mental task work the better

Parkandride · 22/04/2021 11:37

Oh and stop the birthday presents! I'm so glad I never started that, relatives and godchildren only.

Horehound · 22/04/2021 11:40

I think it's fine to send a card bit if you had bought first presents for the other two children on one family Id have been inclined to buy for the third. I wouldn't buy for new babies, in your situation

witheringrowan · 22/04/2021 11:40

Buying constant new baby gifts for the parents - no. Buying a small soft toy for the baby itself is a nice gesture, especially if you have already given their siblings something. But it's utterly ridiculous to also expect you to give all your friends' children birthday presents as well.

LadyRachetine · 22/04/2021 11:40

YANBU OP, I’m pregnant with my first right now and wouldn’t expect a gift from anyone- maybe the in laws?? But certainly nobody else. It’s a nice bonus but shouldn’t be expected. Your friend is being very entitled.

Exhausted4ever · 22/04/2021 11:41

I don't think yabu but I would be a bit Hmm if you'd bought gifts for my others but not my 3rd as it might seem like you're thinking, not another?