Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

192 replies

Pomped · 22/04/2021 10:40

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 22/04/2021 13:30

What an ungrateful woman.

I'm CFBC but I can imagine that to many, perhaps even including yourself, a new baby would be the greatest gift in the world. Perhaps she would benefit from a reminder of that?

MrsKoala · 22/04/2021 13:32

New baby gifts are for the parents

Again, totally depends on the present. Ive never swigged my drink out of a tiny silver cup with ds1 name on and I’ve not wiped my nose on the embroidered lace hanky he received A generic blanket or sleep suits will be more for the parents. When one of my friends got married we clubbed together and bought a big baby purchase, which then covered all subsequent children.

apooagnuandyou · 22/04/2021 13:33

@drpet49

* You should stop sending birthday presents for a start, unless you are invited to a birthday party or a christening, no present is needed!*

^Oh sorry, I didn’t realise that the universal rule .

If people want to, what is the problem?

Clearly in the context of THIS thread, people DON"T want to! And they don't have to, that's the point...

You don't have to buy new baby gift either, but traditionally you do. Birthdays? Really don't. If you want to, go for it!

apooagnuandyou · 22/04/2021 13:34

So it's fine to give a gift only for the first child and not subsequent ones.

you do what you want, but it's weird.

Pottedpalm · 22/04/2021 13:34

And I second the comments about thanks; a young colleague’s daughter was turning four and I bought a little outfit of a tutu-skirt and top. They were out when I called round so I left it in their porch. Heard nothing, no text, no thanks.was thinking it must have been stolen, but she was wearing it when we all met up a couple of weeks later. I commented that it looked nice; still no thanks. Lesson learned.
Though I usually find first time parents are very organised with printed thank you cards these days.

Floralnomad · 22/04/2021 13:37

I think I’d buy for new babies but only send a card for birthdays / Christmas unless it was a relative . I think it is a bit weird to buy just for the first baby and if I had a friend who had sent me something for baby 1 & 2 and then did nothing for baby 3 I would wonder what I’d done to offend / upset them .

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/04/2021 13:37

you do what you want, but it's weird.

It's not weird at all, in fact it's what everyone does. It's normal to receive lots more cards and gifts for the first child than subsequent ones.

Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 13:37

Your "friend" with the third baby is incredibly rude and entitled...by baby number three, nobody needs to be given anything new.

Just send a card in future. I've had four DC - our house was overflowing with stuff....

Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 13:38

@apooagnuandyou

So it's fine to give a gift only for the first child and not subsequent ones.

you do what you want, but it's weird.

No, it's not weird at all.

Nobody should feel obliged to give a gift if they don't want to or don't have the cash.

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/04/2021 13:39

Again, totally depends on the present. Ive never swigged my drink out of a tiny silver cup with ds1 name on and I’ve not wiped my nose on the embroidered lace hanky he received

I bet he hasn't used either of those two presents either. I'd be particularly surprised if he has drink from a silver cup or wiped his own nose within the first year of life!

MarcelinesMa · 22/04/2021 13:40

A card is plenty, people sharing in your happiness is the main thing for me, not the presents. I kept all the cards I got when both of mine were born. The friend who was moaning about a lack of gift is an insensitive twat. How did she even notice she didn’t get a gift from you? 3 kids in she must be drowning in all their shit by now and way too busy to give it much thought?!

I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult OP I think it’s best for you to give baby gift shopping a wide berth. Real, proper friends will understand.

Pottedpalm · 22/04/2021 13:42

@SnackSizeRaisin

you do what you want, but it's weird.

It's not weird at all, in fact it's what everyone does. It's normal to receive lots more cards and gifts for the first child than subsequent ones.

I agree; a first child is a major life event for the mother/couple and I think it’s more a celebration of that. Ultimately, most people are not interested in other people’s offspring

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/04/2021 13:44

Yes, I was just thinking that although I couldn't care less about DS1 getting more 'new baby' presents than DS2 it will be a little sad when he (I am sure inevitably) gets fewer Christening presents because they were all things for him to keep, so they were things for him, unlike the new baby things.

It will be sad for you, perhaps, but is he really going to care? At the time of christening he will probably be too young, and I can't imagine a teenager or young adult being bothered that they only have 2 or 3 personalized christening gifts from friends of their parents that they can't remember... If you think it will matter, it's up to you to make the children equal really. Just get him a gift yourself. He will be too young to know where it came from.

BreakfastOfWaffles · 22/04/2021 13:46

I have always done a new baby card for most people I know, new baby gift for family and very close friends, birthday cards thereafter for close friends, birthday presents only for family and birthday parties my children are attending. I would recommend really limiting the gift buying as you will otherwise end up in a constant cycle of purchase.

Shamoo · 22/04/2021 13:48

I do buy gifts for new babies when it is a close friend. I guess that then depends on definition of close friend. I probably have 10-15 friends I would buy gifts for when they had a baby, but no further. If I got a gift for the first two babies I would also buy for the third. I don’t really understand not if they were good enough friends to buy for the first two.

I don’t buy birthday gifts for the kids unless my relative, godchild or I am going to their birthday party. 18 years! Not a can of worms I want to open at all 😂

user1471462428 · 22/04/2021 13:49

No wonder the planet is dying all that meaningless shite we buy for small people who don’t need it. I would have far rather just seen a friend for a few hours or had someone to chat to when I had PND than loads of stuff. I wrote on my birth announcement that we’d prefer no presents. Although one of my friends bought me a cake which was really appreciated!

Iwantanap · 22/04/2021 13:50

I would because I like to treat children the same even if they aren't aware. I wouldn't spend a lot in your shoes as there are so many and would just pick something up in the supermarket that isn't too painful like a board book and spend less than a fiver. To keep things equal I would buy the same type of present for each child. That way it's not too much money. If anyone gets funny I would just say something light hearted about so many babies or you must have everything now!
Definitely don't buy birthday presents and don't even start!

Hardbackwriter · 22/04/2021 13:53

@SnackSizeRaisin

As the rest of my post made very clear, I don't think it's a particularly big deal! I agree that it's pretty unlikely either of them will be that fussed about engraved cups, but presumably if people thought that they wouldn't have bought these things for DS1 in the first place - they must have expected him to keep them.

funinthesun19 · 22/04/2021 13:54

Yanbu OP.

Your friend was cheeky to mention the lack of present.

Original poster

Pomped · 22/04/2021 13:57

Thanks for the comments, support and perspectives. It’s made me feel so much better and reassured. I’m going to stop buying birthday gifts for all but godchildren (FYI - I have 6 of them!) and send a little something for the DC3 my friend has had. If even just to be the bigger person. It’s not the child’s fault

And in terms of do I get presents / cards for birthdays - from a few yes. I don’t give to receive though. But the mother / friend in question never does, and then trots out the ‘oh sorry I was too busy with the kids’ line....

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 22/04/2021 13:57

@SnackSizeRaisin

Again, totally depends on the present. Ive never swigged my drink out of a tiny silver cup with ds1 name on and I’ve not wiped my nose on the embroidered lace hanky he received

I bet he hasn't used either of those two presents either. I'd be particularly surprised if he has drink from a silver cup or wiped his own nose within the first year of life!

I didn’t think he was meant to. They are ornaments/keepsakes for him aren’t they? My aunt gave me a tiny gold identity bracelet when I was born with my name and d.o.b engraved. I’ve also never worn that, but I keep it as a special gift.

Original poster

Pomped · 22/04/2021 13:58

The consumerism is also a very valid point. I like the idea of a stock of books - feels less wasteful and still thoughtful and less anguish than going through racks of tiny baby clothes and feeling heartbroken

OP posts:

Rosewood017 · 22/04/2021 14:02

YANBU. I felt bad for all the people who had to go out and buy gifts. And honestly, when you have a new baby and no time to tidy up, all the extra clutter is overwhelming - well for me it was.

Similar to previous poster, the best gift I received was a big brownie from an online brownie company!

I wasn't prepared for how quickly babies grow and saved a lot of the nice outfits for special occasions.. meaning they never got worn.

Also, I just love your username 😄

Snausageroll · 22/04/2021 14:03

YANBU

Weddings, babies, promotions, new homes etc... the event itself should be GIFT enough for that person. Any material gift is simply a bonus but should not be expected.

That comment from your friend was SO rude. If it doesn't sit right with you don't do it.

emeraldcity2000 · 22/04/2021 14:05

Yanbu. Firstly I was a bit astonished at the number of gifts we got for dc1. Many from friends of our parents we've never even met. Many of them ended up not used tbh (she was quite little so a lot of the clothes ended up as wrong season or they were insanely fussy to put on, or she just doesn't need 6 stuffed rabbits).... far less stuff for dc2 and grateful for it. After 5 years of Christmas and birthday gifts we were out of space for kids stuff. It's kind to buy of course, but a lot of parents (I suspect) don't need the stuff and don't really want it either. And then you have to send thank you cards and it all becomes a bit of a chore. I'd much prefer a nice card and buy me a glass of wine when I can leave the house again! And if it causes you sadness, no friend could ever put their need for another toy ahead of that xxxx

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8