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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

192 replies

Pomped · 22/04/2021 10:40

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 22/04/2021 12:21

I think what makes it unreasonable is your obvious surprise at her ‘THIRD child’ expecting the same level of acknowledgement as the other 2 and I think that might be where she was a bit out out. I don’t think anyone should expect a gift and a card is lovely but it’s the attitude that the third is just a bit excessive and less worthy that might not be well received.

Anothermother3 · 22/04/2021 12:21

*put out

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 12:22

I don’t think many people expect gifts, only grabby idiots. Just send a card and leave it at that.

idontlikealdi · 22/04/2021 12:23

Ridiculous. In my circle the first baby gets a gift, subsequent ones also get a gift but smaller as the siblings get something too. I'm not talking major expenditure, a book or small lego set etc .

I don't think it's on really to buy for two but not the third, it only needs to be a token.

billy1966 · 22/04/2021 12:23

Unbelievably rude and self absorbed.

apooagnuandyou · 22/04/2021 12:24

You should stop sending birthday presents for a start, unless you are invited to a birthday party or a christening, no present is needed!

For the rest, it's up to you. I tend to buy a cheap (but nice) little gift, less than a fiver if people are not friends - could be soft toy, could be little clothes and problem solved. I prefer spending money on gifts than cards, some of the cards I got obviously cost a few £ and are going straight in the bin.
You don't have to do anything!

Notaroadrunner · 22/04/2021 12:25

YANBU. Stop sending gifts from now on. Send a card, be it for a first baby or a 3rd baby. As for birthdays there is no need to be sending cards or buying gifts for friends kids. They'll have family to do that. It's too much for anyone to have to keep up with whose birthday is next. Just stop. And to hell with any self absorbed, ignorant 'friends' who dare criticise you for it, and to hell with the ones who come running to you to tell tales!

bananaboats · 22/04/2021 12:27

I would always send a new baby gift to a friend tbh but probably not birthday presents unless a significant birthday or a very close friend that I'm really part of the child's life.

80sMum · 22/04/2021 12:27

YANBU. Unless it's very close family or very close friends, ie it's your brother or sister or your closest friend who's having a baby, I wouldn't bother with even a card, let alone a present!

BrumBoo · 22/04/2021 12:28

@Anothermother3

I think what makes it unreasonable is your obvious surprise at her ‘THIRD child’ expecting the same level of acknowledgement as the other 2 and I think that might be where she was a bit out out. I don’t think anyone should expect a gift and a card is lovely but it’s the attitude that the third is just a bit excessive and less worthy that might not be well received.
It's not that a third child is 'less worthy', but that the excitement of others when it's a first (and sometimes second) generally wears off after that. Third, fourth or however more will be loved just as much as 1 or 2 by their parents, but the excitement of the unknown that comes before the first has rather worn off. It can't be replicated by the same 'fuss' made about a first baby, that's a very different experience, transitioning into first time parents is certainly worth more attention as it can be such a mixture of emotions - hence why friends and family tend to rally around more.

Generally, it's not that surprising when by the third + child, the outer social group will be getting less generous with gift-giving.

EmbarrassingMama · 22/04/2021 12:32

In your close circle of friends, there are 1 or 2 new babies every month?
What?

So you've got, at a minimum, 18 couples who you consider to be in your inner circle, whom you feel compelled to buy gifts for?

YABU to have that many friends.

Original poster
Pomped · 22/04/2021 12:36

I don’t think her third child is less worthy, of course I don’t. They will be a wonderful little human just like the other two.

But since her first, I’ve probably bought 30+ new baby presents since then (and that’s without counting the birthday presents which I appreciate the advice on).

I haven’t intentionally excluded that child consciously but I did send out a white company blanket along with a card and a bottle of fizz to another friend who had her first a week after. So unconsciously I have because maybe I have viewed the situation, if not the child, less important.

I wish my friend would have just spoken to me rather than go via another friend but we’ve all seen so little of one other due to covid I suppose I understand why.

And yes I do seem to have a large number of close friends - that’s not a brag by any means - it’s just that I’ve got different groups from early childhood, school, college, uni, workplaces etc and a massive family!!!

The phrase you can feel lonely in a crowd has never felt more apt

OP posts:
Starlight39 · 22/04/2021 12:41

YANBU.

I was incredibly grateful for cards and it is lovely to save them for when baby is older but didn't expect them or presents! It wouldn't even have crossed my radar if someone specific didn't send a card/present.

I'd either just keep sending cards and ignore any comments. Or, if you feel you do need to keep sending gifts then just buy a few inexpensive board books or little teddies and grab one from the stash each time so that you don't need to overthink it.

Also Flowers for the fertility struggles.

DreamingofGinoclock · 22/04/2021 12:43

@Pomped

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

This is just odd being upset a third child wasn't brought a newborn present! ...when I had my first my friends were excited for me and got my little girl gifts (I didn't expect them too) ...when I had my second ...a couple of friends got something token for her ...but she got no where near what the first did and I didn't bat an eyelid (to be honest I hadn't even thought about it until now). Most decent people would just be happy with acknowledgement i.e a card or a message to ensure parents / baby/ siblings are doing ok!
MyDcAreMarvel · 22/04/2021 12:48

No need for birthday presents , just send a £10 next voucher abd and a card for each baby.

ancientgran · 22/04/2021 12:49

It does sound a bit much but people don't always think things through. I had an aunt who never had children, she wanted them but it didn't happen. She was a great aunt, took us for outings, took us on holiday a couple of times. We loved her and our uncle. I was devestated one day when I was an adult and she said how resentful she was that she'd bought all those presents and never got any as she didn't have children.

In the family we didn't buy for adults, this aunt and uncle were the only exceptions and I was always really careful about what I bought them and even when strapped for cash as a young mum their presents were always a priority.

I was horrified she felt that way and also at the injustice of it.

With you it just sounds like there are just too many, you must either have so many close friends and family or the ones you have must be very fertile.

EdgeOfACoin · 22/04/2021 12:50

I think a little token gift for a third baby is nice. I'd be a bit hurt, I think, if nobody seemed to care about the third baby at all. Anyway, the mother didn't say it to the OP's face. Presumably she said it in confidence to a mutual friend, and it's unfortunate that her comments got back to the OP. Sounds like the mutual friend may have been stirring, in all honesty.

Birthday presents are unnecessary, but a little toy to welcome a new baby into the world is a nice gesture.

EmbarrassingMama · 22/04/2021 12:51

I really wouldn't worry about it. A card is nice, as they always are, but anything more than that is an unexpected treat. I don't think people expect presents.

And as for second and third children, even the parents don't buy them anything...

reluctantbrit · 22/04/2021 12:53

I personally give gifts to newborn babies, regardless if it is the first or 6th. But I don’t do it for the following birthdays unless I am invited or they are really close friends.

But it is rude to comment about not having send a gift.

mindutopia · 22/04/2021 12:54

I don't think we really got gifts from friends. Maybe a couple? It was mostly only from close family. We have only bought a few friends gifts (mainly the ones who bought us really nice ones - so felt guilty). Honestly, all the stuff is quite overwhelming and the last thing you need with a new baby is loads of thank you cards to write. I'd be quite happy with a card or just a message to say congrats and thinking about you.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/04/2021 12:54

Don't buy birthday gifts for friends' children. A card is really lovely and shows you've remembered them but is not expected.

You could give gifts to the mums, rather than the babies. I used to do this as my norm, thinking they were; my friend, the one who'd given birth and the one who'd care, before I realised it was unusual. They loved it though! The mum is easily overlooked in all the new baby razzamatazz.

You could give the tiniest things, pound shop toys, a supermarket baby hat or rattle, a lottery ticket, anything. Those 'token' gifts are often as much appreciated as the expensive ones.

If you're going to give baby gifts I'm not sure you can ignore third children. They'll grow up with lots of hand-me-downs and it's nice to have a few toys and things of their own.

YarmYarn · 22/04/2021 12:54

It's an easy trap to fall into and our group did similar when the first couple had babies, sometimes spending £20/30 each, then you soon realise it's impossible to keep up with the gift giving!

I only give something small for new babies now, (often buy generic things in the reduced section in TK Max to keep in stock at home) then something token like socks or finger puppets for when we visit a second born as cost much (usually buy a magazine or pocket money toy for the older sibling too which is often more useful than new baby gifts!).

It sounds like you're a lovely warm generous person, and obviously well liked to have so many friends, so just cut back a bit and most people won't notice or care.

Like pp suggested, can you buy the same book for new babies and just say something like "so and so said how much they loved this book with their baby so now I always give this one to all new babies now" then there is no head space given to it, and can get it cheap in The Works or similar.

I only buy first birthday presents for my 3 closest friends, but not xmas or birthday unless we happen to be seeing them in person at the time.

stackemhigh · 22/04/2021 12:55

She sounds bloody grabby!

No more presents, only for those who you are close to and those who remember you on birthday and Christmas.

drpet49 · 22/04/2021 12:56

* You should stop sending birthday presents for a start, unless you are invited to a birthday party or a christening, no present is needed!*

^Oh sorry, I didn’t realise that the universal rule Hmm.

If people want to, what is the problem?

FrancesFlute · 22/04/2021 12:56

Pregnant with my second and although the gifts I got with my first were lovely and appreciated, I hope next time I don't get anything! I got so many bunches of flowers I became stressful as I didn't have many vases and places to put them, as well as not having the energy to stand and snip/put them in. Best present for me would be food such as an evening meal or as PP suggested, a nice big slab of chocolate or a slice of cake!