AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

[Pomped]

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

There is no need to buy a new baby gift and certainly not birthday presents for friends' DC. I remember being really surprised at the number of presents we got when DC1 was born, thank goodness we had bought the absolute minimum. They weren't lavish but useful things like babygros or little cardigans. We got very few presents for subsequent DC and of course didn't need them as already had a stash of clothes from the first DC.
Some people seem to see everything as an opportunity for 'getting stuff' . You would think that having become parents would make them think about the future of our planet a bit more.

Very rude of someone to complain of not getting a gift! I wouldn't mind just getting a card and got a bit overwhelmed when I had my daughter by the well-meaning gifts from everyone I'd ever met plus some of my mum's friends who I had never met! I would particularly understand someone without children just sending a card.

I only buy birthday gifts for nieces and nephews and my best friend's daughter. Other kids just get a card - I'm friends with their parents not them. The exception to this is if we are invited to a party (usually 1st birthday if firstborn only) then we bring a gift. My daughter gets enough birthday gifts without all my friends buying for her.

Your friend with 3rd baby is being unreasonable. I think it's lovely for the first and means a lot to the parents but after that it's unnecessary imo.

Just accept that you're not going to do it, and some people will moan. But who cares? Give the children you actually like some of your time and attention, they care about that far more.

I'm utterly shit at remembering any birthdays, or sending things on time. I've just accepted that people will moan about it behind my back. Meh.

Can you put a post on your social media saying something along the lines of you are trying to reduce your footprint on the world as your gift to the next generation, so that you will be donating money to plant a tree in the rainforest for every new baby born to friend or family and for ongoing birthdays. Then just send a card for each new baby/birthday with a blurb about the tree planted in their honour.

Then if you want, send a gift to a friend on the occasion of them becoming a mother (that only happens once 😁)

Can you put a post on your social media saying something along the lines of you are trying to reduce your footprint on the world as your gift to the next generation, so that you will be donating money to plant a tree in the rainforest for every new baby born to friend or family and for ongoing birthdays.
Wow, do not post that. “Gift to the next generation” , you will sound like an utter prat.

YANBU

DH was the first to marry and since then lots of his cousins have married and produced a lot of children. I bought for every baby and mum then when the second came along I'd buy for them, the mum and the older child. Dh told me not to buy for one relatives second child but I did but when they had a third and still hadn't managed to say thank you for any of the gifts I stopped. Tbh I have no idea what was said or thought but if anyone said anything I'd put them straight on manners working both ways.

Being puzzled and upset about no gift is bloody ridiculous. Just buy for who you want. Don't be bullied into more.

I'm sorry you haven't become a mum .

YANBU. Knock the birthday presents on the head. Most people surely only buy for a small number of children they're close to, not every child in a friendship group

If you can do a small token when there's a new arrival then that would be nice, even better if it's actually useful for mum and baby such as a little token hamper of cotton wool, pack of muslins, etc, but certainly don't be obliged to.

I suspect that, given the generosity/quality of your gifts, your friends are very keen to receive them as they know that Pomped will get them something decent, not another tiny bunny or supermarket board book (which, by your 3rd kid, you have a library full of anyway).

I suspected before your last post that you hold a special place in their heart for that reason. Now I see how many godchildren you have, I'm fairly certain that's the case.

I think you're being mugged off. And by people who can't be bothered to remember your birthday!

@MyDcAreMarvel

Can you put a post on your social media saying something along the lines of you are trying to reduce your footprint on the world as your gift to the next generation, so that you will be donating money to plant a tree in the rainforest for every new baby born to friend or family and for ongoing birthdays. Wow, do not post that. “Gift to the next generation” , you will sound like an utter prat.

Yeah, I think giving trees is a lovely idea, but there is absolutely no need to make a social media announcement that this will be your new policy, just start buying them!

The best present I got was a box of Gower brownies all for me. That could be a good compromise if you want to be supportive of your friends without having to look at baby stuff. Card and brownies, tick. Otherwise honestly a card is totally fine, especially for subsequent dc.

I remember the pain of having to sort out new baby presents for others at work after miscarrying. It’s very hard. And definitely stop the birthday presents, I only buy for two friends children and only others if we get invited to a birthday party, that’s it.

But the mother / friend in question never does, and then trots out the ‘oh sorry I was too busy with the kids’ line....

Please don't reward her shitty behaviour by giving her a gift for baby 3. The baby won't know or care.

@Clymene

I suspect that, given the generosity/quality of your gifts, your friends are very keen to receive them as they know that Pomped will get them something decent, not another tiny bunny or supermarket board book (which, by your 3rd kid, you have a library full of anyway).

I suspected before your last post that you hold a special place in their heart for that reason. Now I see how many godchildren you have, I'm fairly certain that's the case.

I think you're being mugged off. And by people who can't be bothered to remember your birthday!

This!

Your friend was rude, a card is enough.
I do buy a newborn gift it's nice to acknowledge the arrival.
I'd never follow up with birthday presents except for families DC or my godchild.

I didn't even know you were meant to do this, my friends prob think I'm terrible

I literally just get people a few cute baby gros or flowers from the supermarket for a few quid. I like buying baby gifts though - I can understand why you might not want to do this as you have struggled with infertility.

I didn’t think he was meant to. They are ornaments/keepsakes for him aren’t they

I don't know..I still think that these things are given just as much to the parents as the child. It demonstrates to the parent that their child is loved by the family or community. I just bought some personalised baby blankets for close friends...they were really for the parents (mums to to be specific). I don't expect the babies themselves to know about or appreciate the gifts. In fact these were both second babies...the motivation was purely that I wanted to do something nice for the mums. The babies I am sure will already have everything they need. (They definitely don't need any more toys or clothes as I have seen their houses!)

YANBU

I guess ideally it would have been best to start off with just sending cards so you don't build up expectations.

Your friend maybe saw you give a gift to another friend and wonders why they don't get one - though that behaviour is more acceptable from kids, not adults and it's still ridiculous to expect anything and even to notice such things.

I wouldn't expect gifts from friends etc. Also, most people end up with more things than they need anyway.

I have been trying to convince my close friends not to buy my kids birthday presents because I don't want them to end up on this sort of merry go round, and I do feel guilty about the waste if it's a duplicate of another gift and ends up in the charity shop. I just buy for family children and my best friends kids. And there's quite a lot of them.
So I would second don't buy any more birthday presents. And as for your friend- if she hasn't got time to get you a present ever, I wouldn't bother. I know you don't give to receive but she does sound greedy and entitled. You can find time if you care. It might be time to let that friendship die to be honest, you sound like you're very nice, maybe too nice. Which is lovely but some people take advantage and I think that's what is happening. You are very generous with your gifts as well.
As others have said maybe just get a bulk stock of new baby cards and just send gift vouchers now. The last place you need to be when dealing with infertility is in the baby aisle.

@SnackSizeRaisin

you do what you want, but it's weird.

It's not weird at all, in fact it's what everyone does. It's normal to receive lots more cards and gifts for the first child than subsequent ones.

It might be normal around you, it's not normal at all around me .

And not only you receive just as many gifts for the next ones, but many people also buy a small gift for the new big brother/big sister!

You sound like a poor friend if you get all excited for a first baby, but bored and not bothered by the next one - when the mum has to juggle a lot more and it's harder than for the first one.

So let's not pretend it's "normal" when it's not everybody's experience.

@apooagnuandyou it's very insensitive to expect gifts for your babies when the person doesn't have children of their own. OP has had fertility problems, she must have bought hundreds of presents for babies and children over the years. She needs to draw a line somwhere.

Don't blame you at all, OP. It must be very painful to repeatedly look at new baby things.

I feel like you're probably historically a very generous gifter (Hello, White Company blanket!! ) and people have come to expect and look forward to your treats. They're forgetting their manners and have lost sight of what matters - being thought of. A card does that, imo.

You don't need to explain yourself

stackemhigh

it's not about "expecting" anything, that's just rude, but it would make more sense to not buy anything at all, not buy birthday presents, and if you buy new baby gifts, to spend a lot less and not concentrate only on the first baby.

I do find it weird to go overboard for baby number 1, and ignore the next ones, like some posters pretend to do.

@apooagnuandyou
It's not about thinking the first child is the best or special. It's just that when people come to have their second or third child they have a lot of the things they need. Relatives have bought me lots of things for my first child. If I have another I don't need those things bought again as I'll keep most of them and be able to reuse them.

It can be difficult to receive constant news like this so I get that it is tough. Would it be possible in the future for your friends to pool together and give one gift for the baby and something for the mum? Having said that, gifts should not be expected and it’s very rude not only expect it but complain about it, especially when the recipient has received gifts for previous births so they know you have made an effort in the past.