AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

[Pomped]

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

I've always sent friends new baby gifts and cards, but by mutual consent we don't buy one another's kids presents. It would just get ridiculous.

Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of gift-giving for your friends' DC. Pull back and send cards and any that drop you were not your friend and had no genuine interest in knowing you, but looking for freebies. If asked you know that friend is angling for freebies - why else would that question be asked? One of my friends has no DCs and she bought a small token family gift early on (15yr ago) and now we just buy cards for each other. She's my friend not a provider for my children.

I'd also join groups to meet new people whose conversation doesn't all involve babies and children. It can get dull hearing people go on about their DC!

Who told you and how? Do they know about your struggles?

What about: ‘I buy loving and thoughtful gifts for new babies. Because [grabbycow] now has the gift of her 3rd baby and probably so many things passed down to her new little one, I thought it would be far nicer to give her a lovely bunch of flowers for her when I next see her. I am really surprised that she cannot see how fortunate she is to be blessed with three children when I have none.’

I don't see why she should even get a bunch of flowers if she never remember's OP's birthday. It's sad that we place more importance on babies over the birthday of a good friend who has no children.

I'd just stop and if anyone complains or asks just say you're not doing them anymore. If you're comfortable explaining why then do and if not just say it's too expensive or smth

YANBU

I firmly believe you should give a gift if you want to and only if you want to. Not because of obligation. It was rude of your friend to expect a gift. Is she very generous in giving gifts to you? Even if she is, she should give because she wants to and not gossip about you if you choose not to buy for them.

I'd buy presents for my in laws children but even then I'm getting sick of the constant presents for them. I don't exchange gifts with friends or most of my family or even DH for a lot of things (no anniversary or valentines gifts etc) so having to fork out constantly for other people's kids is incredibly irritating especially as I have no kids and so get nothing in return. Friends new babies - maybe once, if I can afford it. Second and third etc? No way, use hand me downs and save the planet.

I'll bite...

Yes, I think YABU. You definitely don't need to buy any birthday presents - you're a saint if you remembert cards! - so knock that on the head.

But in this case, you bought her first two babies something, you bought something for a friend who gave birth 2 weeks later, but this baby doesn't get anything? I can see why she'd say to another friend that she was a bit hurt that baby 3 was treated differently.

You are clearly a generous and lovely friend. I don't think your pal meant to be grabby, but was sad that her 3rd baby didn't merit the same consideration as everyone else's baby.

@Pomped

Thanks for the comments, support and perspectives. It’s made me feel so much better and reassured. I’m going to stop buying birthday gifts for all but godchildren (FYI - I have 6 of them!) and send a little something for the DC3 my friend has had. If even just to be the bigger person. It’s not the child’s fault

And in terms of do I get presents / cards for birthdays - from a few yes. I don’t give to receive though. But the mother / friend in question never does, and then trots out the ‘oh sorry I was too busy with the kids’ line....

I'm sorry you haven't become a mother,i think you sound like a great friend. The friend in question sounds dismal and ungrateful to be honest. She shouldn't have said anything and should instead remember the other occasions you've bought for her offspring. And as for not ever getting you a present, I wouldn't buy for her at all. Especially not if she trotted out that line.

I can't believe anyone would be so immature and grabby that they'd be hurt or sad a friend didn't give them a bloody gift for a third child or keeping score of who else got a gift from their friend.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I can't believe anyone would be so immature and grabby that they'd be hurt or sad a friend didn't give them a bloody gift for a third child or keeping score of who else got a gift from their friend.

Exactly.

Seems very grabby time expect a gift let alone raise the issue of not getting one.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I can't believe anyone would be so immature and grabby that they'd be hurt or sad a friend didn't give them a bloody gift for a third child or keeping score of who else got a gift from their friend.

I can imagine that if no one acknowledges the arrival of a baby, even the third, it must be quite hurtful.

It's not all about money, it's the effort and attention. You can buy a gift for the same amount others will spend on a card.

Moaning about it to a third party is not on, but people getting bored of further babies are not real friends. People forgetting friends birthdays are not friends either!

I can imagine that if no one acknowledges the arrival of a baby, even the third, it must be quite hurtful.

I'm sure the baby was acknowledged by her family and the friend sent a card. She just didn't bung her more stuff this time. And she's a shit friend who never acknowledges the OP's birthday, whom the OP says is self-centred and who moans about her behind her back.

When I had my second people hardly acknowledged it because he was a boy like my first. Those who did say something said things like ‘what a shame it’s another boy’. Then I had my 3rd and she was a girl and people were more excited and happy for me. I must say it felt pretty shit for my beloved second, just as good as the first, son. I was in hospital and we’d both nearly died. Feeling disappointed wasn’t about wanting gifts but an acknowledgment that he was just as special as the first. Obviously I know to others your babies aren’t important but there really is a disproportionate difference in the way a first baby is treated and a second and actually sometimes it’s when you have a second or third it’s when you need the reassurance from those close to you because you are more emotional, tired and hormonal.

I’d cut the friend some slack.

I'd tell your friend to grow up. You gave her a card, didn't just blank yet another baby entirely.

YANBU
I'm pregnant with a first child and actually hope for no or few presents. We just don't have space and we'll have all the stuff ready by that point anyway. A few friends offered to give some second hand clothes and that's lovely. But they asked, didn't just assume. Other than that a card would be great, I love getting cards, but I wouldn't get upset not getting anything either.
Last time a friend had a child I bought chocolate for the parents and they said they were happy with it. They didn't need more baby stuff as it was their second. Another thing any new parents would appreciate, if you live nearby, is sharing a dinner, something they can heat up and save valuable time.
But I think anything is optional and I wouldn't expect anything and certainly wouldn't get upset.

@MrsKoala

When I had my second people hardly acknowledged it because he was a boy like my first. Those who did say something said things like ‘what a shame it’s another boy’. Then I had my 3rd and she was a girl and people were more excited and happy for me. I must say it felt pretty shit for my beloved second, just as good as the first, son. I was in hospital and we’d both nearly died. Feeling disappointed wasn’t about wanting gifts but an acknowledgment that he was just as special as the first. Obviously I know to others your babies aren’t important but there really is a disproportionate difference in the way a first baby is treated and a second and actually sometimes it’s when you have a second or third it’s when you need the reassurance from those close to you because you are more emotional, tired and hormonal.

I’d cut the friend some slack.

I'm sorry your friends are dicks but that has nothing to do with the OP who is being fleeced by her 'friends'

Could you just pick one presents and give it to every new mum. Save you having to look in baby shops etc as that is painful.
So maybe a photo frame or some books suitable for infants. Or some nice body lotion for the Mum. And no birthday presents... only for family.
My friend had her 3rd girl and l specifically bought her a presents with the little girls name on it so she would know later it was hers and not a hand-me-down!

But I think anything is optional and I wouldn't expect anything and certainly wouldn't get upset.

If no one acknowledges your baby and you get nothing, I assure you you will be upset. Again, it's not about the money. It's friends making a fuss about a big event for you!

Honestly - I’d be quite happy to knock gift buying on the head and save it for very close family. We have a big family and even bigger circle of friends and it’s just out of hand. I’ve said to friends countless times don’t buy anything for us - even for our wedding. They don’t. But they never say the same in return!

If no one acknowledges your baby and you get nothing, I assure you you will be upset. Again, it's not about the money. It's friends making a fuss about a big event for you!

Not everyone needs their friends to make a fuss of them. I couldn't care less if friends acknowledge my babies. Well I mean it's nice if they say a verbal congratulations if I see them, or send a text message. But I wouldn't expect a card much less a present. I would expect some acknowledgement from close family but again a message would be enough. If no one at all did anything I would be sad yes. But I don't care about what individual friends do. It wouldn't make me like them less if they didn't. Particularly if they are childless not by choice.

@SnackSizeRaisin

If no one acknowledges your baby and you get nothing, I assure you you will be upset. Again, it's not about the money. It's friends making a fuss about a big event for you!

Not everyone needs their friends to make a fuss of them. I couldn't care less if friends acknowledge my babies. Well I mean it's nice if they say a verbal congratulations if I see them, or send a text message. But I wouldn't expect a card much less a present. I would expect some acknowledgement from close family but again a message would be enough. If no one at all did anything I would be sad yes. But I don't care about what individual friends do. It wouldn't make me like them less if they didn't. Particularly if they are childless not by choice.

Same here.

When I had my second people hardly acknowledged it because he was a boy like my first. Those who did say something said things like ‘what a shame it’s another boy’. Then I had my 3rd and she was a girl and people were more excited and happy for me

Now that does bother me. I have a girl and a boy. A couple of close family members said "oh what a shame it's a girl" about the first one and said "I'm so glad it's a boy" for the second. I need to think of a suitable rude response to this. Virtually everyone has said "oh how nice one of each" which is less offensive but still annoying. I mean I don't care myself if they are boys or girls so why should a random midwife or neighbout care?

Wait for the sales and buy a load of bargain generic new baby presents and dish them out as and when. I bought loads of Jojo Maman Bebe babygros, which are supposed to be about £14 each, for about £4 in the sales a couple of years ago. Some girl ones and some boy ones in size 3-6 months. New baby gifts sorted for the foreseeable.

But I don't care about what individual friends do. It wouldn't make me like them less if they didn't.

you are completely missing the point. It's not about being grabby and liking people proportionally to their gift.

I find it sad not to do something for a real friend when they get married, have a baby, suffer a loss. I'd make the effort for a neighbour so I can't imagine not bothering for an actual friend.