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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

192 replies

Pomped · 22/04/2021 10:40

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

OP posts:

FlyingPandas · 22/04/2021 11:43

YANBU op and it sounds as if you have rather grabby materialistic friends. Especially if they have any awareness at all of your fertility struggles. They presumably don’t have enough (any?) empathy or thoughtfulness to realise that buying baby gifts, when you yourself cannot have babies, can be an intensely painful, lonely experience. Never mind an expensive one!

I’d be tempted to call them on it and explain just that to make them squirm but you’re probably a nicer person than me.

But either way, I’d start sending cards plus very token gifts at the absolute maximum - a cheap, chunky baby book for example - there are loads of those around and it might be less painful for you than having to buy yet another baby outfit or rattle or whatever.

Sorry your friends are so insensitive. Infertility is shit

RebelByLight · 22/04/2021 11:45

I think it's a bit mean to buy the first two children in a family something and not the third. I always send something small plus chocolates or biscuits for the mum. For a close friend, I do the same for the first birthday but not after that. I'd still send my friend a birthday present but I only give my godchildren birthday presents.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 22/04/2021 11:46

I usually do card + small gift, and buying for a newborn is really easy and not too expensive, pack of cute muslins, soft toy, etc.

Birthday gifts for friend’s children are only when I am invited to a party. And even then you can find book sets for a low price.

NeedingAGoodNap · 22/04/2021 11:49

I feel like some people do care a bit less about a third child. The first one is exciting as the couple enter a new phase of life and become parents for the first time. They also don’t have any baby stuff yet. By the third or fourth child it’s less exciting and more wow another one. Plus you would assume they have plenty of things for the baby by now

Holly60 · 22/04/2021 11:51

I’m going against the tide here but yes I think it’s appropriate to buy gifts for new babies. More so than subsequent birthday presents to be honest. I also think if you’ve bought a gift for the first and second baby you should buy one for the third. It’s not that baby’s fault it was born after its two older siblings!

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/04/2021 11:51

This is one of the reasons I’m very happy with the small collection of friends and family I have. That sounds totally exhausting.

MindyStClaire · 22/04/2021 11:52

Gifts should never be expected and a card is of course ok. Definitely stop the birthday presents, no need for that at all.

I voted YABU, simply because gifts for new babies are very much the done thing and so if you're stopping that is going outside the norm and will probably be noticed (although the ungratefulness reported back to you is awful).

From your friend's pov, her first born will have been showered with gifts, and now by the time she's got to number 3, people have stopped making the effort and it seems like they don't care. To her each of her babies is of course equally as important, and she's had this baby during lockdown and not been able to see friends and family in the usual way. It's been a very strange time to have a baby and a lot of women have struggled with that.

The difference in the number of cards and gifts we received for our second baby last summer compared to our first a few years ago was staggering. I couldn't tell you who did something different so it must have been mostly our parents' friends etc, who really were just being extra nice the first time around. I would have been hurt if a close friend had made a big fuss of DD1 and just sent a card for DD2 though. Not about the gift but about the effort. I like to think that if I even suspected infertility or similar I would feel differently though.

Basically, I'm going round and round in circles here!

PicaK · 22/04/2021 11:56

No yanbu at all.
I would say perhaps your friend with the 3rd baby was feeling that people in general aren't celebrating her 3rd child. You often read on here that people can react negatively when 3rd or 4th pregnancies are announced. She could have been moaning about that in general. She could have been worrying her 3rd pregnancy is upsetting you. And it's been relayed badly.
Maybe not but I'm more annoyed with your friend that told you than a stressed out post birth hormonal mum.
though. Infertility so hard.

Love51 · 22/04/2021 11:57

Cultural norm is to buy a gift to welcome a new baby into the world.
You are all wound up about the number of present, but say you are buying birthday presents. Stop that. But do buy something to mark the new life.
We don't buy for birthdays except niblings (a term I learned on Mumsnet for nieces and nephews). The only exception being if we happen to see the child on the weekend of their birthday. We saw my aunt and uncle around my son's birthday and they gave something to each of mine, but it wasn't expected. And they happened to stop by my house, if all one million second cousins had been there, they wouldn't have!

It doesn't have to be a well thought out present. An outfit from the supermarket is fine, or a board book. There no need to spend more than a fiver. You haven't said this is about financial hardship, but honestly how many fertile friends do you have? It will be a relatively short phase in your life.

SarahBellam · 22/04/2021 11:58

What on earth could she possibly need for a third child that she hasn’t already got? Do not feel bad about this for one minute. It’s really grabby and entitled of her to complain about that and to keep expecting a gift every time she has another crotch goblin.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2021 11:58

@Holly60

But equally, it’s nothing to do with your social group that you’ve decided to have lots of babies - there shouldn’t be an obligation to treat them all equally, particularly since the baby has no idea who’s given it a gift of bibs or a soft toy. The gift is purely for the parents, and ultimately I think it’s fine to essentially say “I’m not giving a gift this time around because you already have loads of stuff from your previous babies, you don’t need anything more, but here’s a card to acknowledge your new arrival”, in much the same way that a friend getting married for the third or fourth time would be unreasonable to expect the same level of gifting, excitement and fuss as they received for their first wedding.

domesticslattern · 22/04/2021 12:10

How blindingly rude to send you that message. I am and cross on your behalf.
Tbh I would just stop the birthday presents right now except for really close relatives or godchildren or if you are going to the party.
Cards are plenty and show you care. And a bunch of flowers for mum when you meet new babies for the first time.
That's all I do and no-one has ever pulled me up on it. The rest is consumerism gone mad. Charity shops are bursting with brand new never worn baby outfits and unwanted teddies. Surely the quality of the friendship is more important?

Hardbackwriter · 22/04/2021 12:10

It was astonishingly rude of her to mention it, especially as you'd sent a card. I was slightly sad that we got so many fewer cards for DC2, but I would never dream of saying that to anyone, and it was only the cards I minded - it makes perfect sense that we didn't get many presents, we already have all the muslins/baby grows/etc that people bought last time.

I had recurrent miscarriages before DC1 and found buying presents and cards really hard - on a practical note, I second the suggestion above to bulk buy cards and either stop giving presents or, if you feel you need to, give a gift card or something like flowers or food for the parents. You really don't need to be looking at new baby cards monthly or new baby clothes and things ever, and I'm not surprised it's getting you down. This period of the many babies will pass, but I completely understand why you're finding it so horrible

BrumBoo · 22/04/2021 12:11

Goodness, I dont think you're being unreasonable. Currently expecting my 3rd and I'd be quite embarrassed if we received gifts from anyone, including close family. Acknowledged when baby gets here, I mean that's always lovely, but personally I already have a house bulging with baby/kid stuff. Also enough of a waistline that chocolate should probably be avoided for at least 6 months after birth .

I try to be 'live and let live', but I knew two women recently who had baby showers, both on their 4 child. Totally unnecessary in my mind. Stop feeling guilty. No one is owed gifts from acquaintances and certainly not under these circumstances.

WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 22/04/2021 12:12

What on earth could she possibly need for a third child that she hasn’t already got?

Well any number of things really, but that aside maybe a gift for the mum to recognise the momentous occasion of the birth of her child?

Hardbackwriter · 22/04/2021 12:13

@WeAreAllCompletelyFine

What on earth could she possibly need for a third child that she hasn’t already got?

Well any number of things really, but that aside maybe a gift for the mum to recognise the momentous occasion of the birth of her child?

That's a nice thing to get, a completely unreasonable thing to expect.

Wanderlust20 · 22/04/2021 12:14

Don't feel bad! I'd only send gifts for people I'm very close to. Do your friends know about your infertility issues? They should be understanding and take that into account

WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 22/04/2021 12:16

That's a nice thing to get, a completely unreasonable thing to expect

I get that, no present should be expected, but personally I think it is the association of subsequent babies being less deserving of a gift (even for the mum) that doesn't sit comfortably with me. If I love a friend I want to give a gift to celebrate something major in her life, whether that's baby 1 or baby 5.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:16

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

I usually do card + small gift, and buying for a newborn is really easy and not too expensive, pack of cute muslins, soft toy, etc.

Birthday gifts for friend’s children are only when I am invited to a party. And even then you can find book sets for a low price.

It might be easy in terms of what to get but the emotional and also financial impact can add up.

Snally82 · 22/04/2021 12:17

I’m 32 weeks pregnant and I really don’t want any gifts! I don’t want or need anyone to spend money, and I don’t want to end up with things that will never be worn/used due to volume of stuff.

BrumBoo · 22/04/2021 12:17

Well any number of things really, but that aside maybe a gift for the mum to recognise the momentous occasion of the birth of her child?

If someone close passes their hard worked for degree, I'd be jubilant. Another degree, that's nice. A third.... I mean it's great for the people achieving these things in life but really, for other people it gets a bit exhausting showing the same level of interest in the same 'big life event' of other people. It's not that people aren't happy for the other person, but (especially in the OPs circumstances) it can become something you don't want or need to male a big deal of every time it occurs.

Clymene · 22/04/2021 12:18

Why will the baby care if it gets another tiny gift from someone if their siblings got one? They won't.

Presents from family and close friends absolutely but from the wider friendship group? Really unnecessary.

It's just conspicuous consumption. Most of it will end up in the charity shop.

mrsm43s · 22/04/2021 12:18

Obviously there's no obligation ever to buy gifts. However, it does seem a bit off to buy gifts for two children of a family, but not the third. If you do gifts, buy for all, if you don't do gifts, don't buy for any, but two getting gifts and one not being deemed worthy of a gift does seem like a snub to the third child.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:18

@Holly60

I agree ideally yes, all siblings should get a gift. But no one should expect it and complain about it if it doesn't happen.

Confrontayshunme · 22/04/2021 12:19

I have a friend in your situation who congratulates verbally but doesn't send gifts, and it would NEVER occur to me to be anything but understanding. If they are close enough to receive a gift, they are close enough to realise why you wouldn't like to send one. Otherwise ignore.

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