AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

[Pomped]

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

I don't think you're being unreasonable- it's obviously really hard for you.

Could you just send pink/blue flowers? then you don't have to spend time thinking about baby presents but are still showing you care?

Alternatively pick out one baby boy present and one baby girl present or one gender neutral present and just click and send the same thing to each person so you don't need to spend time thinking about it.

@drpet49

* You should stop sending birthday presents for a start, unless you are invited to a birthday party or a christening, no present is needed!*

^Oh sorry, I didn’t realise that the universal rule .

If people want to, what is the problem?

The advice is not to you drpet, you’re under no obligation to follow it.

I understand that, Pomp.

Instead of buying a present, why not enclose some cash or a cheque in the card. I know it seems like a soft option in a way but after a while you run out of ideas for gifts and money is always welcome. I tend to do that most of the time now.

I am so sorry about your infertility. I feel I would like to give you a present as you are so good to everyone else!

Your friends are rude AF. Just stop buying all these gifts. Cards only. Who expects their friends to give their kids birthday gifts? FFS.

Oh gosh OP , stop buying gifts. How emotionally exhausting for you given the fertility issues. Your friend sounds entitled , self absorbed, insensitive and ungrateful. Sending a card is so thoughtful , and I imagine that also probably costs you something in terms of emotional sacrifice. You sound like a lovely, generous person- time to direct some of that kindness to yourself. ❤️

Or a Thorntons/Cadbury's box or hamper for the new parents could work?

@Maggiesfarm

I understand that, Pomp.

Instead of buying a present, why not enclose some cash or a cheque in the card. I know it seems like a soft option in a way but after a while you run out of ideas for gifts and money is always welcome. I tend to do that most of the time now.

I am so sorry about your infertility. I feel I would like to give you a present as you are so good to everyone else!

Because her grabby friends don't deserve her money.

I buy gifts for new babies in the family, and my closest friends, for everybody else I send a nice card and sometimes something small for the parents, nice biscuits from M&S and some hand cream for all the excessive hand washing after nappy changing is a gift that usually goes down well.

You know these people - is it typical behaviour for your friend to moan behind your back or is it more likely to be a throw away comment that the other friend has decided to tell you. Is she generally a “measures love by gifts” kind of person?

I must admit, it can be a bit saddening if subsequent children get forgotten by immediate relatives (especially when they get older and get half as many birthday cards as their sibling) - but this isn’t the case with you, this isn’t a relative and you sent a card to acknowledge the happy event. A good friend should also be sensitive to your situation and shouldn’t expect gifts. There’s enough stuff in the world.

she is lovely but quite self absorbed.

She's not lovely.

Get a clue. I had 3 children, it's RUDE and grabby to expect gifts for each and every one of them. Or expect any gifts at all. As for being 'hurt' someone didn't shower all my sprogs with gifts, well, I'm a grown up. Ridiculous to expect others to give a fuck as much as I did about my kids.

@Pomped - do any of them ever buy you a gift? Or send a card?

If the answer is no, then maybe re-evaluate your relationships with them because it is ridiculously one way.

Sounds like your friends are pretty grabby. I would never expect a gift from anyone for any of my children at birth or on a birthday.
In my experience the easiest solution is to give less of a shit about what people think of you.

YANBU. My friends have all had children, they get a nice present when they're born and that's it. I made sure not to get into the habit of birthday presents. Sometimes if I see something nice, I'll pick it up as a surprise, but that's up to me....there are no expectations.

I think it depends on the gift whether a THIRD! baby should get one. From another perspective, I have 3 children and my oldest got given lots of beautiful engraved/embroidered with his name type gifts. Not generic ‘baby stuff’ and my other 2 got fuck all So now ds1 has lots of baby silver cups, teddies etc with his name on and the other 2 have nothing.

I think if you give a generic baby gift that can be passed on then fair enough, but I think if you start a precedent with personalised gifts then I can see why parents/kids later may wonder why the oldest has a silver cup with their name from their great aunt/special person but they don’t.

i think if you've bought a gift for other babies in the family then it's a bit dismissive not to buy one for younger siblings unless you no longer have as much contact with them. That said, it's blooming rude of someone to comment if you choose not to.
I had to draw a line under buying birthday and xmas presents for friend's kids so I stick to my nieces / nephews and my godchildren and their associated sibling.

I would never expect my friends (or family for that matter) to buy me/the baby gifts.

I'm pregnant with what will be our third child and I didn't receive a card or present for my other two so certainly don't expect any this time.

I would be a bit if a friend was upset with me for not buying presents. They sound quite cheeky imo.

Apologies, OP, clicked the wrong button...you’re not being unreasonable!

Childless here too, and I think I made a rod for my own back buying presents for friends’ babies, children, Christmas, birthdays as I didn’t want to look churlish.

One Christmas, I worked out that I’d spent more on them and children than on my own parents and family, as the kids’ birthdays are all concentrated into a couple of months.

In the end, I told friends and family that I wouldn’t be buying the children presents any more. I couldn’t afford it. For work colleagues, I give a few quid for a group present. None of my friends have had issues with it, and quite honestly, if they had, I’d be rethinking the friendship. I used to hate the way I felt resentful when buying gifts for other people’s kids, because I felt I should. I love to give gifts, so now I give what I want, when I want, and feel much better. I never forget birthdays, and give those I love the most valuable thing I have to offer....my time.

@MrsKoala

I think it depends on the gift whether a THIRD! baby should get one. From another perspective, I have 3 children and my oldest got given lots of beautiful engraved/embroidered with his name type gifts. Not generic ‘baby stuff’ and my other 2 got fuck all So now ds1 has lots of baby silver cups, teddies etc with his name on and the other 2 have nothing.

I think if you give a generic baby gift that can be passed on then fair enough, but I think if you start a precedent with personalised gifts then I can see why parents/kids later may wonder why the oldest has a silver cup with their name from their great aunt/special person but they don’t.

Yes, I was just thinking that although I couldn't care less about DS1 getting more 'new baby' presents than DS2 it will be a little sad when he (I am sure inevitably) gets fewer Christening presents because they were all things for him to keep, so they were things for him, unlike the new baby things. But I guess that's how it goes - DS2 is unlikely to have so many engraved cups and special books, but on the other hand he didn't wail for 40 minutes in the hospital car park while his dad desperately tried to fit the car seat and I don't wake him up constantly while checking he's breathing, there are pros and cons of not being your parents' first go!

Incidentally, OP, the gift you describe - a white company blanket and a bottle of fizz - is really generous; I think you could give much much smaller gifts without feeling at all like you're being stingy (it's also fine to give no gifts, but I understand why you might not feel like it is, but you can certainly scale back).

It's up to you who you buy gifts for and very entitled of your friends to complain that you haven't! I am also childless and tend to run out of steam with the third child bit my general rule with gifts is new baby gets a gift and card. If I go to a first birthday or if I am a godparent they'll get a first birthday present. That's it. If I am seeing the kids around their birthdays in the future I might get something but very ad hoc. Kids get so many gifts they won't even notice. Also I found a lot of parents didn't even thank me for gifts which are usually not cheap (even by text!) Which suggests that they aren't that fussed about receiving them!

I think its really unusual to have so many close friends to buy new baby presents for. Most people would only have a handful or dozen of close friends.

Maybe its not just about the baby but she believes that she is a closer friend to you than you are to her, and the present lack of makes her realise that.

Plus it could be perceived as you thinking that her new child is somehow less valid than her others.

Also, does she know about the infertility. If so then she should be kind and the comment is unacceptable

New baby gifts are for the parents - the baby doesn't know or care. So it's fine to give a gift only for the first child and not subsequent ones.

Most of my friends, however much I love them, are not going to be particularly interested in my children, and vice versa. They will not become important people in their lives. Many of my friends have had children and to be honest that usually results in me seeing a lot less of the friends for a few years - their children don't know me even though I am still close to their mum (and or dad).

Having children is my choice and I don't need my friends to give them presents to validate that choice or to make them feel loved.

Different for close family perhaps, if you want to treat all nephews and nieces the same.

Goodness, i feel for you! A gift fir a first baby is more than enough, and definitely no birthday presents, unless you are a godparent.

and your gifts are incredibly generous.

A small Teddy or clothing eg about £5-10 is much much more normal.

And no one i know does birthday presents for children otherwise it just gets out of hand

YANBU. I am expecting my second and I have explicitly told my close friends no gifts please they are the type that would and I don’t think it’s fair on them. Also, I’ve got loads of baby stuff anyway that I just don’t need anything for the new baby. Whilst a card would be nice, I’d actually much prefer a visit when allowed so I can have some adult conversation!