AIBU not to buy yet another new baby gift?

[Pomped]

Childless here after many years of infertility problems which may have influenced my thinking here.

I have a big circle of friends and family and it is that stage of life where LITERALLY every single month there are 1 or 2 new babies born.

It seems to be the generally accepted thing that presents are bought and sent for the new baby but honestly, I’m finding it too much. I do always send a card but the constant buying baby stuff as well as the expense and the time consumption choosing something thoughtful is just not sitting right with me anymore

And then of course the children themselves have birthday and before I know it, I am sending out presents every fortnight.

However if I don’t send gifts I’m worried it will seem rude. I seem to have dug a hole for myself that I don’t know how to get out of. And of course my own experiences are colouring how I feel about all this.

It’s come to a head as a mutual friend told me another in our circle was ‘quite upset and puzzled’ why I hadn’t bought her THIRD child a newborn gift (I did send a card)

Just want to shut myself away from it all tbh!

AIBU??!

@stackemhigh

I don't see why she should even get a bunch of flowers if she never remember's OP's birthday. It's sad that we place more importance on babies over the birthday of a good friend who has no children.

I am not saying op should. Rather I was suggesting a get out clause to call this ‘friend’ out without going full on head to head.

The expectation of presents really annoys me. As a parent I've always understood that my DS is not the sun king to everyone.

I would knock this on the now. We are in the middle of a global pandemic and money is sparse

Wow. How rude & thoughtless of your so called friend to complain to another friend - knowing full well it would get back to you!

I fully sympathise - for a long time I was in exactly the same position as you & words can't describe how bloody awful it is.

I think you're incredible to have kept it all up so far! Don't feel pressured or guilty to keep doing so - a card & well wishes is quite enough for a newborn & put a stop to the never ending birthday present cycle straight away or you'll go insane...& broke!!

If your 'friends' don't get how difficult it all is for you & the fact that it still would be so from a financial point of view, never mind the crushing pain of constantly buying baby items which you are desperate to need yourself, then they're just not good enough to be your friends anymore.

Sending you much love & luck. 💗

I have 2 kids, I got way less gift for my son who was my 2nd then I did for my daughter. Did I complain? Did I fuck. I was greatful to have any gifts offered but I didn't have my babies to receive gifts. I was far happier getting just a card or even just seeing them for a catch up.

A card is lovely

Some people are odd. If you chose to have 1 child or 20, that’s your choice and each will be special to you. Surely that’s enough? You don’t chose to have children for anyone’s benefit but your own. Why does anyone else need to buy gifts/celebrate etc in order to “acknowledge your child”- congratulations are customary, but anything beyond that seems presumptuous to me. A child who has not received a gift from someone when they are born is not going to be hurt or upset because they won’t even know unless their parents are foolish enough to think this is something worth getting upset about and to then pass it on their child.

A card is a perfectly acceptable acknowledgement to your friend. Having bought presents for 1st/2nd child is irrelevant. If she’s “puzzled and confused” enough to comment to others/let you know, I’d simply leave her to it, she sounds rather self-absorbed and petty.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic and money is sparse

we haven't had anywhere and anything to spend money on for a year, money is anything but sparse!

re the comment about money....I get a lot of passive aggressive comments from people about ‘the amount of holidays we go on’ (pre pandemic, obv). Truth is we do have a fair bit of spare cash but the hidden truth behind that is we also have credit card debt from multiple IVFs we’ve only just paid off! And those holidays were make or break for our marriage.

It does seem some have the equation that if you can afford to go on nice holidays you can afford to buy their children presents too! Fine if it was 2 but if it’s 20.....! And I work damn hard for my salary. The fact that I’m childless is arguably attributable to the fact that I focussed on my career until my mid 30s and assumed it would ‘just happen’ (babies that it....) and of course it didn’t.

Affording it isn’t the issue, it’s more the mental load if I’m honest

I understand. Maybe it is time for you to stop, apart from sending a card. Your friend was really cheeky mentioning that to a mutual friend.

I'd rather have a card given with a smile than a present given grudgingly.

But if you can’t even be bothered to send a friend a card on her birthday then you have no right to even expect a card for a new baby.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Nobody should expect gifts.

Exactly!

@stackemhigh

But if you can’t even be bothered to send a friend a card on her birthday then you have no right to even expect a card for a new baby.

Ah but that friend is clearly a selfish cow who does expect it, and not just a card but a present too. Bloody CF. I wouldn't send anything at all @Pomped. She really doesn't deserve it and it's not as if the child will know.

I did send a card - promptly too and a lovely one! I just didn’t send a gift. Hence the drama.

So bloody grabby! Please don’t send anything.

Gifts are a choice that you can make yourself, never should be expected ! A card would be sufficient for me ! Even a lovely long text message would do !!! And tbh in the past I've had adult friends that MADE me a card with their children's writing and drawing that are probably more wanted than a shop bought card ! DONT feel pressurised ever !

Hi OP,

Firstly sorry to hear about your fertility problems. It’s an awful situation for you to be in and I hope you are getting the support you need.
Secondly I just wanted to say I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My first is due in a few months and I’m not expecting any gifts at all! I don’t want a shower as I don’t want people to spend money they haven’t got on things I don’t need. I would much prefer just a text or a phone call or a visit if I’m honest. If people want to give us a gift for the baby that’s fine but I’m far from expecting it and made my thoughts on this very clear, especially when many have lost income due to COVID. You friends on the other hand are being very unreasonable, even more so if they are aware of your own struggles. Good luck OP!!! Xx