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To think DP ex is effectively bullying my child!

166 replies

Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 08:48

For clarification my DD is 6 and DP isn't her father. DP and ex have 2 girls 7+4 he is currently going through court to sort custody out and at the minute she only allows him access one weekend a fortnight. I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to. I have 3 DC with my ex and 1 with DP. When he picks his girls up on the weekend they are telling him "mummy said we aren't allowed to play with DD". She even tells them not to talk to me.

Surely that comment about my child to her children is some form of bullying?

DP has a phonecall with cafcass this afternoon and plans on bringing it up.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children, what the hell has my DD ever done to a woman she doesn't know and vice versa.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 08:49

It's not good but its not bullying your child, who she has never met.


TidyDancer · 22/04/2021 08:50

I would agree it is a form of bullying. Your poor DD.


TimeForTeaAndG · 22/04/2021 08:50

What does DP say when his kids say they aren't allowed to play with your DD?


Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2021 08:52

Not bullying no.
It’s awful if it is true though but bear in mind that these kids are only 7 and 4 so could be misinterpreting something


Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 08:52

Is she seven years old too? She sounds so petty. EOW contact is normal for a NRP though, he might get one week day extra in court.


DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 08:56

I had an evil stepmother. Amongst many horrible things she did to me was that she told me that my half brothers (the ones born to her and my DF) were my step brothers, but that they were her son’s (born to her and her first husband) full siblings. And I believed her because I was about 7 at the time.
She is a bully and, if this is allowed to continue, it could cause long lasting resentment between your children.


TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 22/04/2021 08:57

It's just nasty to bring the kids into it, no matter the situation.

I'd just be saying to them, that mummy gets to make the rules in her house & Daddy & I make the rules in our house. So when she's here she can talk to & play with anyone she wants to!

Then a solicitors letter would be sent to her to pack it in! There's a legal term for it which I can't recall, but your solicitor will all too familiar with.

I can understand her hating her kids going to your house with her ex (especially if there was any overlap) but it's not fair on her kids, let alone yours, for her to alienate your kids & you & their Dads child.

It's obviously crap for you too, but obviously just keep talking to them & playing with them & they'll soon forget to ignore you (if they even are!).



Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:07

They say it every time he picks them up, she's very vindictive, they aren't allowed to call my DS brother they have to refer to him as half sibling (seen the text she sent DP saying that) DP should feel lucky apparently because one weekend a fortnight is more than enough (she says) .

Fortunately his children don't listen to what she says as the girls and my DC are glued at the hip all weekend, his youngest follows me around everywhere she's like my little shadow ex doesn't know that because I wouldn't dream of stooping down to her level by telling her.

There was no overlap, I was single and he was living with his grandad when we got together. She's in a new relationship now and 6 months pregnant yet everything she says and does just smacks of jealousy and not being able to properly move on. She's told DP in the past that he can see the girls all he wants if they get back together 🙄 obviously DP politley declined 😂

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DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 09:12

When the new baby comes she will probably ask you to have the kids more 🤣


Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:18

We've already thought about that and DP plans on telling her in the politest way possible to do one. She's made his life hell during the court process so why would we help her out, her child not ours, deal with it 😂

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LittleOwl153 · 22/04/2021 09:19

What's he asking the court for? I'd be looking at minimum 50% assuming you are close enough for school runs, and I'd be raising the issue of parental alienation too.


LittleOwl153 · 22/04/2021 09:21

Or if you are not close enough then a higher proportion of the holidays.
But definately get the alienation squashed legally!


Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:26

She's 3 miles down the road and we have vehicles so school runs aren't an issue.

He's decided to go in for as much access as possible, he knows he probably won't get a lot but he's hoping the judge will be able to meet halfway, he's optimistically wanting at least 3 weekends a month and possibly a day through the week.

This has all been a year in the making, he was seeing his children up until she found out about me and him and she shut him out went NC for 9 months, claimed they were HER children and they don't need him in their lives.

He's due his next hearing via video call at 3pm today and the judge is hoping to make it a final hearing.

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Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:30

Would the alienation stand up though as its not DP she's effectively bad mouthing to the kids it's me and my children x

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Weenurse · 22/04/2021 09:32

Good luck 💐


GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/04/2021 09:36

You need to sort out the alienation as a separate issue, I think, rather than just in terms of increasing your DPs time. The ex is probably scared that her kids will just want to be at yours all the time with a younger sibling (albeit not “by blood”) / ready made happy family. It’s no excuse, and she should put her kids before her own feelings, but that’s why I think just having more time won’t solve the problem- without other intervention it could get worse.


GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/04/2021 09:37

It’s alienation from “the family” at your house, and make it difficult for the kids to be with your household.


PicaK · 22/04/2021 09:42

I'd always hesitate at taking as gospel something a child has said. Not because they're lying but because they can get things muddled eg you don't have to play with her if you don't want to could easily be translated into don't play with her.
And kids who are emotional can play parents off against each other (ours has tried to do this) because they're communicating distress and that's the bit you need to focus on.
Not much in your post about what the kids want or what's best for them tbh from you, your dp and her.
Why isn't he making a well thought out request for contact based on maintaining a relationship rather than going for as much as he can?
Could the 2 of them go for counselling to discuss how to coparent more effectively.
It sounds so acrimonious atm
"I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to."
I'm not sure I'd like to live in that atmosphere.
I appreciate she's being unhelpful and vexatious though


Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:44

My youngest DS is their blood relative, he's their half sibling. So we have to toe the line with her but it's fine for her to say to her youngest that she's not allowed to call DP daddy she has to call him by his first name and that her new partner is their daddy 😯. She really grates on me, she's says and does the most disgusting things no adult would dream of doing yet on court calls she's all hyacinth bucket little miss prim and proper like butter wouldn't melt. DP noticed the girls had headlice the other week so when she called to say goodnight to the girls he casually mentioned it and asked if maybe she knew and does she want to treat it or does she want him to do it, her response "who the fuck do you think your talking to". Safe to say DP ended the call there and then as she was clearly itching for an argument. Very tetchy woman.

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B33Fr33 · 22/04/2021 09:45

She's causing all sorts of head fucks for her kids. They are being told to behave badly, then presumably having to keep part of their life a secret from their mother. Just raising them to do hurtful things and lie. No wonder she's an ex!
Document the specific instructions where she's causing disharmony (like the texts) and that you aren't able to do that because of being inclusive etc.


B33Fr33 · 22/04/2021 09:46

I'm surprised if you live so close he's not going for more time.


Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 09:50

They have both attented a separated parents program, tried mediation but she refused to go, he wants more access as he believes the girls would benefit better from having both parents in their lives on a regular basis, (2 weeks between each contact is a long time) I don't think either of them have asked the girls, he said hewants to but he knows if he does ask them she will start with the abusive messages claiming he's questioning the kids shes done it before in the past when all he asked was when they last had a bath so asking a question about something she thinks she has full control over won't go down well with her she'll threaten to stop access like she normally does. With her its what she says goes.

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RaiseTheBeastie · 22/04/2021 09:51

We've already thought about that and DP plans on telling her in the politest way possible to do one. She's made his life hell during the court process so why would we help her out, her child not ours, deal with it

So you want more time with the kids, your oh is going to Court over it...yet you predict she'll soon be asking you to have them more anyway and plan to say no to her as a big Fuck You?

I suspect from this comment the ex may not be the only unreasonable/difficult party here. Grow up and put the kids first.


Overdueanamechange · 22/04/2021 09:52

Why didn't your dp just deal with the headlice when he saw them and send then them back to their mums with the rest of the anti lice treatment so she could finish it?
Also, why does he want 3 weekends a month? Is it a case he wants to do the fun weekend shift whilst his ex does the weekday drudge?
He does need to take the issue further though about her brainwashing the children.


Aprilshowersandhail · 22/04/2021 09:55

Regarding the headiice, put the leave in stuff on and send them back to dm. She will have to comb and wash it out. It's bloody neglect not dealing with them.
And a letter from his solicitor pointing out sibling relationships are vital will keep your file right.. Judges hold sibling relationships in extreme high regard ime... As much as df /dm /dc ones... If she is blatantly playing down the 'half :sibling she won't be looking good in court...

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