To think DP ex is effectively bullying my child!

[Maidmummy]

For clarification my DD is 6 and DP isn't her father. DP and ex have 2 girls 7+4 he is currently going through court to sort custody out and at the minute she only allows him access one weekend a fortnight. I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to. I have 3 DC with my ex and 1 with DP. When he picks his girls up on the weekend they are telling him "mummy said we aren't allowed to play with DD". She even tells them not to talk to me.

Surely that comment about my child to her children is some form of bullying?

DP has a phonecall with cafcass this afternoon and plans on bringing it up.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children, what the hell has my DD ever done to a woman she doesn't know and vice versa.

It's not about growing up or being difficult, why should DP and myself put up with all the shit she throws at us but bow down to her and pick up her slack because she's decided to have another child, a child she was told 4 years ago not to have as she will be putting her life at risk. Yes DP would jump at the chance for more time with his children but why should he do it just so it benefits her. Our home life can't be rearranged or altered at the drop of a hat because shes knackered from night feeds and can't be arsed to do the school run, there is 4 children in the house ranging from 6 years to 4 months we can't just drop everything for her. I don't expect my ex to do it with my eldest 3 so when my youngest isn't even his so why should we be expected to. There should be no double standards here.

According to her the head live had been there a few weeks she said, she picked them up the next day and said she'd sort their hair, luckily they are now lice free.

She hates the fact that they have a sibling, she's pregnant now but she's not calling that baby their half sibling, seems it's okay for her to say and do as she pleases.

@Maidmummy

We've already thought about that and DP plans on telling her in the politest way possible to do one. She's made his life hell during the court process so why would we help her out, her child not ours, deal with it 😂

I'm confused by this comment. Surely if this happens their father will be glad for the opportunity to see more of his children? Did you not say he is trying to get more access? Regarding the head lice, I wonder why he asked if she was going to treat it? If you see that your children have head lice then you go to the shop and immediately treat it yourself without asking the other parent if they will do it.

I've said YANBU but are you sure that this is what was said? Or just going on what two little girls have told you? Because all sort of things can be taken out of context or get twisted if the medium of communication is a small child.

YABU about the headline. Wtf didnt your partner treat them?

He does want more access, and in all honestly he probably would take them for her but he'll make it known that he's doing it for their benefit not hers, that comment me and DP spoke about in all honesty is said in anger because of the way she is with us, she trys to give him as little access as possible yet when she will need the help she'll be more than happy to hand them over, it's a little unfair and quite frustrating that even after court has finalised she will still be calling all the shots and making it so it benefits her more than anyone else.

Regarding the headlice it was late at night when they were discovered and she called not long after so he brought up that he can sort it if she wants but all he got was abuse and he thought it best just to let her calm down and speak to her the next day when she collected them, when he did speak to her she wanted to sort it.

@0gfhty

I think OP is talking last minute asks rather than pre-fixed/pre-arranged arrangements.

We believe the girls because they go back and repeat what we said one time word for word because ex called and pulled us up on it. To clarify it wasn't anything bad we said, we send them home in clothes we bought and we haven't had them back, DP asked eldest where they were and she said "mum said she's not giving them back because she doesn't care". The clothes they arrived at ours in were in the wash and wouldn't be done in time for them to go home so I said to DP "I'll wash and dry these clothes to take back but I want the others back when you next pick up the girls, I'm not going out and buying clothes for someone else to keep". Eldest DD overheard me and told her mum when she got home. Ex repeated it to us but somehow in her head she translated that as we are keeping them because she's still got ours from months ago.

She sounds awful but....

3 weekends a month is unreasonable. You want her to do all the drudge-work, school runs, pick-ups, uniforms etc. and only have them for the fun times?

You need to split weekends, holidays, half-terms. If you want any more time on top of that, you (or rather their father) needs to get involved in their day-to-day lives and do the weekdays, rather than impinging on the quality time their mum has with them.

@Faultymain5 exactly that. We know when she has this baby she's going to be in hospital quite a while so we are already moving things around and preparing for the fact that we may have them for a while.

We can't do last minute as I have school runs and after school activities, DP has work, she hates me so I wouldn't be able to pick them up last minute from hers or school if I can get family to collect mine for me. It will be a massive struggle doing last minute pick ups.

@IbrahimaRedTwo

It's not good but its not bullying your child, who she has never met.

What?! She's essentially encouraging her children to bully another child (by ignoring/refusing to play with them), that is a form of bullying imo.

She won't let him have holidays though, she wanted them all to herself for the entire 2 week Easter holidays, but the judges order from last hearing stated he has them every fortnight weekend which fell in the school holidays so she had to hand them over.

And regarding the weekday drudge how is he supposed to pick them up and drop them off when she's stated in no uncertain terms he's not going back on the school paperwork as being allowed to collect from school. She's worried that if he's back on the books he's going to turn up drag them out of school and keep them, even though he hands them back after his contact weekend with no trouble, she's deluded.

@Maidmummy

We believe the girls because they go back and repeat what we said one time word for word because ex called and pulled us up on it. To clarify it wasn't anything bad we said, we send them home in clothes we bought and we haven't had them back, DP asked eldest where they were and she said "mum said she's not giving them back because she doesn't care". The clothes they arrived at ours in were in the wash and wouldn't be done in time for them to go home so I said to DP "I'll wash and dry these clothes to take back but I want the others back when you next pick up the girls, I'm not going out and buying clothes for someone else to keep". Eldest DD overheard me and told her mum when she got home. Ex repeated it to us but somehow in her head she translated that as we are keeping them because she's still got ours from months ago.

YABU on the clothes thing.

I only have 1 DD whom I share with ExH but I'm not keeping track of who bought her clothes, she wears whats she wearing between homes and as long as she's got clothes at both homes it really doesn't matter to me if I bought them and they end up in her wardrobe at her dads or ExH bought them and they're in her wardrobe here.

Also YABU for wanting 3 weekends a month, my ExH tried that in court and was told she's entitled to relax time and a family life within both homes. He got EOW and 1 night for tea, which is pretty standard. My Ex lives a mile from us in the same catchment as school but he still got no more time than standard.

@Maidmummy

She won't let him have holidays though, she wanted them all to herself for the entire 2 week Easter holidays, but the judges order from last hearing stated he has them every fortnight weekend which fell in the school holidays so she had to hand them over.

And regarding the weekday drudge how is he supposed to pick them up and drop them off when she's stated in no uncertain terms he's not going back on the school paperwork as being allowed to collect from school. She's worried that if he's back on the books he's going to turn up drag them out of school and keep them, even though he hands them back after his contact weekend with no trouble, she's deluded.

If he has PR and theres no court order preventing him picking them up he can just go to the school and put himself on.

My ExH has PR and I had to put him on there, I had no choice. They also wanted copies of DDs Birth Certificate so know he has PR and can't stop him taking her.

Contact the school and get him on their books as the dad. She can’t stop this.

It's unreasonable to not want to keep buying clothes for children that are only here twice a month when money is tight and I have 4 other children to clothe, so my other children should go without because she refuses to hand over items that aren't hers.

I went through the same thing with my ex, it ended up where my children hardly had any clothes at home as he forgot to fetch them back he now buys to keep at his house which works best for us. How is more access than he has at the minute not achievable, my ex has our 3 for 2-3 nights a week, more access is entirely possible.

Seems men get the shitty end of the stick in court doesn't it, it took 2 to make that child not just 1 so why shouldn't both parents get 50/50 otherwise whats the point, unless both parents are still together then what's the point of a man's involvement being only part time may as well not be there at all. Both parents have equal responsibility for that child until it comes to contact after separating, then it's a case of "thanks for your deposit all them years ago you can fuck off now I'll do the rest". Pretty shitty imo.

He does want more access, and in all honestly he probably would take them for her but he'll make it known that he's doing it for their benefit not hers,

This comment makes it sound as though you just want to pick a fight with her to be honest. They are his children. If they were still married and she was going into hospital for some reason of course he would look after the children. It's not some kind of huge favour - it's just a normal and sensible thing to do.

He's contacted the school they told him she has to give her consent as well, something about safeguarding rules etc.

@Maidmummy

It's unreasonable to not want to keep buying clothes for children that are only here twice a month when money is tight and I have 4 other children to clothe, so my other children should go without because she refuses to hand over items that aren't hers.

I went through the same thing with my ex, it ended up where my children hardly had any clothes at home as he forgot to fetch them back he now buys to keep at his house which works best for us. How is more access than he has at the minute not achievable, my ex has our 3 for 2-3 nights a week, more access is entirely possible.

Seems men get the shitty end of the stick in court doesn't it, it took 2 to make that child not just 1 so why shouldn't both parents get 50/50 otherwise whats the point, unless both parents are still together then what's the point of a man's involvement being only part time may as well not be there at all. Both parents have equal responsibility for that child until it comes to contact after separating, then it's a case of "thanks for your deposit all them years ago you can fuck off now I'll do the rest". Pretty shitty imo.

So he fights for 50/50, if he is on the court order as picking them up on certain nights school cannot ignore that. Going for 3 weekends a month will just get her back up more.

I think most parents would want to pick a fight with a 30 year old woman who tries excluding a 6 year old girl who's done nothing wrong to her, say and do what you want to me but never come at my kids. I would never say that to her children because that's what they are CHILDREN, they have no idea what's going off at the minute and don't need to know

Why is it not your DP's responsibility to buy clothes for his children? Does he pay for 50% of their food, 50% of their clothes, 50% of their hobbies, activities, childcare costs?

So make an agreement with the clothes, they wear mums clothes to yours, you wash them and they go in the wardrobe at yours, and then you send them home in your clothes and she washes and puts them in their wardrobe there, then they have the same amount of clothes at both homes. It's petty to get into an argument about it.

The household money is joint so I'll buy while he's at work and I'm out shopping for my 4, he pays maintenance every month and anything they need while with us, the only thing she's asked for help with is uniforms but that's not for another few months. Tbh I don't think she likes asking for anything.

I totally get the clothes issue. When ever I bought my dc stuff exh sold it... Even the wedding outfits I bought for my wedding. Ds went back to exh's in it after the wedding and it never returned. Car boot it seems.
Same as anything toy wise I bought them.
And all the decent stuff I left there when I moved out. A huge train track that ds sat on the train paid for my ils.. Sold.
And he didn't need the money.

We never got in to an argument it was just said very casually by myself, she turned it in to an issue phoning DP and having a go.

3 weekends a month isn't reasonable and not fair on the children. They will want downtime with their mum too not just school days and once a month.