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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP ex is effectively bullying my child!

166 replies

Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 08:48

For clarification my DD is 6 and DP isn't her father. DP and ex have 2 girls 7+4 he is currently going through court to sort custody out and at the minute she only allows him access one weekend a fortnight. I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to. I have 3 DC with my ex and 1 with DP. When he picks his girls up on the weekend they are telling him "mummy said we aren't allowed to play with DD". She even tells them not to talk to me.

Surely that comment about my child to her children is some form of bullying?

DP has a phonecall with cafcass this afternoon and plans on bringing it up.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children, what the hell has my DD ever done to a woman she doesn't know and vice versa.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:00

See what I don't get is she won't hand over the clothes yet at Xmas when they wanted to take a couple of their toys back home with them she wouldn't allow it she threw them back at DP and slammed the door in his face, yet a few t-shirts and jeans she'll keep 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:02

But what about downtime with dad, youngest is only in nursery so she's only separated from her for 3 hours a day, where's his extra time with them

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 22/04/2021 11:03

I don’t understand why you’re not going for 50/50 custody?? Or even majority custody?!
After all of she had them in her sole care for 9 months, their dad is owed 9 months of time raising his children?

GoldBar · 22/04/2021 11:03

If she doesn't usually ask you for anything (and your DP is not paying her a fortune in maintenance... let's face it, £100 per month or whatever most men pay doesn't really scratch the surface of what it costs to bring up two children), why not let the clothes thing go as the price of not making the relationship worse?

She's in the wrong for not promoting a good relationship amongst all the girls, but it does sound like you're a bit bitter towards her. Also, if she doesn't like asking you for things, why do you think she's going to ask you to do more childcare when the baby comes?

TheClumisestChildOfAll · 22/04/2021 11:04

@Maidmummy

But what about downtime with dad, youngest is only in nursery so she's only separated from her for 3 hours a day, where's his extra time with them
Then he asks for weeknight contact, my DD was in Nursery when our court order was made and ExH had her for the whole afternoon after Nursery 1 day, which then switched to 3.30-6pm when she started school.

My Uncle has his youngest 1 full day every week when he's not in Nursery and picks his oldest up at 3.30pm from school returning both boys at 6pm, it can work.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 11:07

We've already thought about that and DP plans on telling her in the politest way possible to do one. She's made his life hell during the court process so why would we help her out, her child not ours, deal with it

HE's going to court for more access but if she offers him more access you are going to tell her to fuck off and refuse to have them?
You're all as bad as each other.

IrmaFayLear · 22/04/2021 11:10

So you have four dcs, the ex has two, and expecting another. This sounds all really unsettling for all concerned. I feel sorry for kids being shunted backwards and forwards and caught up in adult arguments.

Mittens030869 · 22/04/2021 11:12

So you have four dcs, the ex has two, and expecting another. This sounds all really unsettling for all concerned. I feel sorry for kids being shunted backwards and forwards and caught up in adult arguments.

It does all sound pretty toxic and I suspect that there has been wrong on both sides.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:12

@GoldBar because she has nobody else, her sister has 5 children and works and her mum refuses to look after the girls, she has nobody else unless she pays for a childminder which I can't see her doing. The clothes issue is over and done with now they both agreed to give them back tomorrow when he picks the girls up. He pays what the law tells him he should be paying, his wages aren't a lot and after her maintenance plus the responsibility of a house and 4 other children it doesn't leave a lot left over. Can't see why she wants maintenance when she's already told the girls that DP is only to be called by his first name and her new partner is their daddy. Good enough when she wants money out of him each month though.

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Lou98 · 22/04/2021 11:21

Seems men get the shitty end of the stick in court doesn't it, it took 2 to make that child not just 1 so why shouldn't both parents get 50/50 otherwise whats the point, unless both parents are still together then what's the point of a man's involvement being only part time may as well not be there at all. Both parents have equal responsibility for that child until it comes to contact after separating, then it's a case of "thanks for your deposit all them years ago you can fuck off now I'll do the rest". Pretty shitty imo.

Except that it's not a fair 50:50 split you're going for - you're wanting 3 out of 4 weekends with a few nights in the week. It doesn't matter that the youngest is in nursery, they won't be forever and the older kids aren't so it's irrelevant.

If you truly want 50/50 you should be going for 2 weekends a month and split the weekdays/holidays. That would be fair.

To be honest, from your replies, you all sound as bad as each other. I think you all need to start acting like the grown ups and putting the interests of the kids first

Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:21

Maybe there has been wrong on both sides but me and DP have never once mentioned anything that goes on between the 3 of us, her home life may be a little unsettled but mine certainly isn't, we don't talk about anything to do with her unless the children aren't around, mine understand when the girls are and aren't staying, they have a solid relationship with their own father, when they are all together they live by the same rules I have in place for my children. My children have routines and structures in place which I don't sway from due to DS2 possibly being ASD he doesn't like when anything interrupts his routine.

All I know about her home life is the children have mcdonald's for breakfast and tea (their words) her new partner has been coming from quite a way away even during lockdown, got her pregnant fucks off then comes back and moves in with her (she hasn't told the relevant departments they are claiming illegally) she swears and screams at them (she accidentally left DP a voicemail we heard everything) the list goes on, her home life seems a little disruptive at the minute.

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Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:24

I said 1 night during the week not a few and a few weekends as there is no way she would give him 50/50 or let him do the school runs so what the hell else is he supposed to do, she's refusing weekdays and holidays so all that's left is weekends.

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Lou98 · 22/04/2021 11:29

@Maidmummy but it's not about what she's offering, it's what you're asking for in court. I'm assuming she hasn't agreed 3 weekends either but you've still asked for it.

Once it's ordered by the courts it's not up to her to decide anymore so she won't get the say over weekdays/holidays

HoppingPavlova · 22/04/2021 11:29

I said 1 night during the week not a few and a few weekends as there is no way she would give him 50/50 or let him do the school runs so what the hell else is he supposed to do, she's refusing weekdays and holidays so all that's left is weekends.

I don’t understand. You keep saying ‘she won’t let ...’. But, that’s the reason you go to court, to have it court ordered. Then she cannot refuse.

There is absolutely nothing stopping your DH from going to court and requesting 50/50. All your excuses with school paperwork etc are moot as the court orders would take care of all of that.

GoldBar · 22/04/2021 11:32

He pays what the law tells him he should be paying, his wages aren't a lot and after her maintenance plus the responsibility of a house and 4 other children it doesn't leave a lot left over.

So who is paying for the children then? Their mother? Or do they survive on benefits? Poor children. It sounds like neither of their parents are very responsible.

Can't see why she wants maintenance when she's already told the girls that DP is only to be called by his first name and her new partner is their daddy. Good enough when she wants money out of him each month though.

Maintenance is for the children. It has nothing to do with the parents' relationship. Your DP has to pay it as the biological father of these children independently of whether his ex acknowledges his role or not.

stewandtoast · 22/04/2021 11:33

My dad had a son before he met my mum.
My mum would go mental if we didn't include "half" into referring to him.

If I said to someone "yes I have two brothers" she would cut in and go "no, 1 full and 1 half" I didn't think anything of it until I got older and thought what the heck.

She actively encouraged me to make my older brothers life hell so he would stop coming Round.

I have apologised so much to him and he forgives me, I actually have a better relationship with him than my younger brother and my child has lots of contact with his children, he's very family orientated like me, unlike my mother and younger bro.

She sounds pathetic OP! It's a good job the kids don't listen though

Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:36

We know what the court says goes but it's still never stopped her from trying, he's supposed to have them court ordered at the minute every fortnight weekend, DP will message on a Wednesday asking what time he's picking them up her last 2 responses have been "I'm not sure what's happening with contact yet as I'm waiting for someone to get back to me 🤔" the last one was "not sure what's happening this weekend, I'm in an appointment will let u know" took her until Friday evening to respond to that with a "yeah you can come for them now they're waiting"

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whiteshark · 22/04/2021 11:36

He pays what the law tells him he should be paying, his wages aren't a lot and after her maintenance plus the responsibility of a house and 4 other children it doesn't leave a lot left over.

This is fucking infuriating. EVERYONE knows the csa calculations are a joke, weighted heavily in favor of the NRP. How much is he actually paying each week?

maybe he should try to get a better paid job to provide for his children. Or not continue to have more children with you that he obviously cant afford.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/04/2021 11:37

Poor kids, caught between two shitty parents and two families trying to score points with them.

They need an adult in their life thats going to centre them and their needs.

whiteshark · 22/04/2021 11:39

@Maidmummy

We know what the court says goes but it's still never stopped her from trying, he's supposed to have them court ordered at the minute every fortnight weekend, DP will message on a Wednesday asking what time he's picking them up her last 2 responses have been "I'm not sure what's happening with contact yet as I'm waiting for someone to get back to me 🤔" the last one was "not sure what's happening this weekend, I'm in an appointment will let u know" took her until Friday evening to respond to that with a "yeah you can come for them now they're waiting"
She is being a dick for this. but if its court ordered, i assume there is a time of pick up on there? there shouldn't really be a need for any communication on pick ups, he just goes and gets them?
IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 11:40

He pays what the law tells him he should be paying, his wages aren't a lot and after her maintenance plus the responsibility of a house and 4 other children it doesn't leave a lot left over

So he pays the minimum he can get away with, which is not enough to actually support his kids, while he has more kids with you and supports your children?

You're in a glass house pet, stop lobbing stones at her Hmm

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 22/04/2021 11:42

@Maidmummy

We've already thought about that and DP plans on telling her in the politest way possible to do one. She's made his life hell during the court process so why would we help her out, her child not ours, deal with it 😂
Oh so he would tell her to do one and not see his kids more just to piss his ex off, yet is in court to get more access to them? Grow up
funinthesun19 · 22/04/2021 11:42

She’s being manipulative and mean. I’d say it is a form of bullying yes. She knows it will be hurtful to your DD, so it’s bullying.

It’s like when a group of children are in the playground and one tells the rest of the group not to play with one of the children and that child gets left out. That is a form of bullying and that is exactly what their mum is doing. Behaving like a petty little bully. She’s an adult though and not a child in the playground, and needs to grow up.

She should be promoting a good relationship between her children and your children if she wants her children to be happy when they go to their dad’s. She’s doing them no favours at all.

GreenSlide · 22/04/2021 11:42

'He pays what the law tells him he should be paying, his wages aren't a lot and after her maintenance plus the responsibility of a house and 4 other children it doesn't leave a lot left over.'

Why does he have the responsibility to pay for your four children? You seriously think it's right for him to support your kids while his own fend for themselves? And he's going to refuse to have them more if he's asked to, refuse to spend more time with his own children out of spite? Do you seriously not see why the ex is being so hostile towards you both?

Original poster
Maidmummy · 22/04/2021 11:44

@GoldBar you make it seem like all the children are living on the breadline and would be better off not having them as parents, they are separated parents so both have their own way of supporting and rearing those children, they never go without and all their needs are always met. She works part time and the rest topped up in benefits and if you want to know who's paying for those children to have a comfortable life then I'm sorry to say but it's you and all those other adults out there who are working hard as she's illegally living with her boyfriend who works full time while she's receiving a top up in UC and getting most of her rent paid. She's living a cushty lifestyle while the rest of us are struggling most months.

Funny how she never once took him for maintenance until he started court proceedings, she was doing fine on her own apparently for 9 months, but because things are now out of her control she's bitten back.

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