To think DP ex is effectively bullying my child!

[Maidmummy]

For clarification my DD is 6 and DP isn't her father. DP and ex have 2 girls 7+4 he is currently going through court to sort custody out and at the minute she only allows him access one weekend a fortnight. I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to. I have 3 DC with my ex and 1 with DP. When he picks his girls up on the weekend they are telling him "mummy said we aren't allowed to play with DD". She even tells them not to talk to me.

Surely that comment about my child to her children is some form of bullying?

DP has a phonecall with cafcass this afternoon and plans on bringing it up.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children, what the hell has my DD ever done to a woman she doesn't know and vice versa.

[Wishitsnows]

This reads like something from Shameless!

[Mittens030869]

It’s totally pointless telling the OP she shouldn’t have had a child with her current partner. It’s completely daft, as it’s happened now, hasn’t it? But it’s a favourite hobby for some AIBU posters, looking for an extra stick to beat the OP with.

And I can’t believe how some posters waste time digging up old threads, looking for ammunition to use.

OTOH, OP, you must have known what sort of response you would get when you started this thread? You’re not exactly new to AIBU.

[LaceyBetty]

@Maidmummy

Actually him being in my house with my 3 children does give him a financial responsibility, one of the questions asked by CMS is how many other children does he live in the house with not how many in the house are biologically his but all that live here

Probably true, but so wrong. Your kids should have zero bearing on what he pays for his.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Actually him being in my house with my 3 children does give him a financial responsibility, one of the questions asked by CMS is how many other children does he live in the house with not how many in the house are biologically his but all that live here

So you think its fair that his financial contribution to HIS children is reduced because he lives with your kids who, presumably, already have 2 parents paying for them?

[OnlyInYourDreams]

Probably true, but so wrong. Your kids should have zero bearing on what he pays for his. And perhaps by the same token what he earns should have 0 bearing on what child benefit the OP is entitled to? Surely it goes both ways?

My eXH is a high earner. As a result his new DP is no longer entitled to child benefit for the child she has which isn’t his. Is that fair?

[OnlyInYourDreams]

OP, I would get this moved to step parenting.

The AIBU topic needs a disclaimer at the top saying that no support will be given here.”

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

OP, I would get this moved to step parenting

Wouldn't make any difference, OP is firmly in the wrong wherever the thread goes.

[Maidmummy]

It's not reduced by much, dp pays more for his children than my ex pays for my 3 and there's not a massive amount between their wages. I asked for an opinion on my child being bullied and it's being blown way out of proportion with comments that really aren't necessary, no child goes without, mine and DP relationship is great, hers and her partners is fine as far as I know, the kids are happy when they are together, girls are always excited when DP picks them up, DP only speaks to his ex once a fortnight to sort out contact, apart from a couple of issues over the last 10 months it's slowly plodding along with no massive issues, why can't people see that apart from a few minor hiccups the kids are happy, and so is everyone else involved (as long as ex gets her way which she does) I may slag her off but that's my right to an opinion just as everybody else is entitled to their opinion but this woman speaks about me like I'm something she just stepped in and I'm sorry but why should I keep my mouth shut and not say anything, I don't say anything to her however much I would love to I say it to DP, family and such, so yeah I'm being the ADULT by keeping my mouth shut and my hands to myself. Seems I can do adulting after all.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

@Mittens030869

It’s totally pointless telling the OP she shouldn’t have had a child with her current partner. It’s completely daft, as it’s happened now, hasn’t it? But it’s a favourite hobby for some AIBU posters, looking for an extra stick to beat the OP with.

And I can’t believe how some posters waste time digging up old threads, looking for ammunition to use.

OTOH, OP, you must have known what sort of response you would get when you started this thread? You’re not exactly new to AIBU.

Of course it is but she can do something about future children!

[GreenSlide]

@Maidmummy

So bullying a person you know nothing about or the full extent of the current situation is okay is it because your allowed to. I think the law says different

You do like accusing people of bullying don't you.

[Maidmummy]

@GreenSlide do like giving opinions on a topic that I didn't even start this thread about don't you

[Cocomarine]

Of course the OP can’t undo having a child with her boyfriend.

But the fact that she has, after 6 months with him, means she could possibly lay off making snide comments about his ex for her new boyfriend “getting her pregnant”.

And in a thread about the well-being of all the children, where OP wants to present the ex as awful (and bloody hell she does sound it!) and her boyfriend as the wronged party, I think she should stop to think about his actions. Which include a very strange decision to go and make another baby with a woman he’s known for 6 months, just when the existence of that new woman is causing problems with contact. You can’t wait forever to continue your life, of course you can’t. But I think he could have waited longer than 6 months. They both could 🙄

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

You all need to grow up, stop breeding, and put your existing children ahead of your hormones.

[BigButtons]

Gawd- this is like a plot in EastEnders. What is it with all these poor kids being brought into the world by feckless irresponsible, fighting parents.

It would be interesting to hear the POV of the ex.

To answer the original question. No it is not bullying. It is childish and irresponsible and will affect the kids involved. Them running round happy and laughing means jack shit. I see kids at work running around laughing and some have the most horrendous home lives.

But you are also doing the same harmful behaviours you accuse their mother of by refusing to possibly take his children on for more time just to punish their mother.

[Billandben444]

Back to the OP - it's not bullying but it was a very mean thing for her to say.
I think you've been flamed because in each of your posts you've revealed a bit more background that doesn't reflect well on any of the adults and makes your original question seem a trad trivial when there's so much more going on.
It was mean of another poster to dig up a zombie thread to hit you with - plenty of keyboard warriors on the warpath at the moment.

[CJsGoldfish]

nobody has the right to judge other peoples parenting
She says as she's judging someone elses parenting 🙄

The more I read, the more I think her 'version' would be worth hearing because yours is just one long bitter and petty rant.
Her child is disadvantaged because their father moved in with some randoms 3 kids and then went ahead and had another after 5 mins. My guess is that her story would be a whole lot different to yours OP

And no, even if what you are saying is true, it's not bullying.

[BigButtons]

The other thread info is actually very useful. From it we can assume that he was feckless and useless in his previous relationship- since he was for a long time before you helped him see the error of his ways. Since he came to you that way there is no reason to think that he turned from wonder dad with his ex and kids into rubbish partner with you.
So it is highly likely that she is very angry and resentful because he was so utterly rubbish as a parent and father.

[BigButtons]

meant partner and father

[Faultymain5]

@CJsGoldfish

nobody has the right to judge other peoples parenting
She says as she's judging someone elses parenting 🙄

The more I read, the more I think her 'version' would be worth hearing because yours is just one long bitter and petty rant.
Her child is disadvantaged because their father moved in with some randoms 3 kids and then went ahead and had another after 5 mins. My guess is that her story would be a whole lot different to yours OP

And no, even if what you are saying is true, it's not bullying.

or, as he was a carer previously, financially they were already disadvantaged, but now they're lives have gotten better because he's moved in with the mother of his youngest child and now his first two children have numerous siblings to love.

[IrmaFayLear]

What sort of bloke moves in with a woman with three dcs, one of whom is 18 months old, when they already have two small children elsewhere.? And then gets new woman pregnant?

Rhetorical question.

[Shelby2010]

The question is why, if the ex is such a nightmare is DP not asking for 50:50? The court might not award it, but if they do, the ex will have to abide by it. Also it is then a starting point to negotiate more than EOW.

Also, your ex should be paying the full amount of maintenance for his children. It’s not fair that DP’s children have less money available to be spent on them because your ex doesn’t pay full amount.

[BigButtons]

@Faultymain5 I am confused as to how on earth he could have been a carer of any worth previously when the OP complained about how utterly useless and lazy he was when she moved him in.

I suspect the ex is right royally pissed off that her useless ex who probably did nothing to support her when with her is now asking for 50/50.

[LuaDipa]

@Maidmummy

Shockingly the children are all unaffected by the court proceedings, apart from what ex says to them before they leave the house they are very happy go lucky children, they spend all weekend singing, playing, going outside, lots of laughter and chasing each other, the eldest 4 all doing well at school, hardly the children sat in a corner crying rocking backwards and forwards image you seem to be painting.

I don’t believe this for a second. It may suit you to think this but there is no way in hell these kids are coming out of this shitshow unscathed. And I include your own in that.

This is harsh, but I think you need to hear it and I hope you pay attention.

Your dh’s ex isn’t covering herself in glory, but he doesn’t sound like much of a catch himself. And let’s be honest, she was good enough for him to spend 11 years with, to bear his children and raise them without a penny and with minimal contact from him so his opinion of her can’t be that bad.

Please just take a step back from this. The ex may be a nightmare but I think it’s clear she has her reasons. The way you speak about her and blame her for all of this is appalling and those poor kids will be able to see the contempt you all have for each other. That is no way to grow up.

As for your own kids, you moved a lazy, jobless man child into their home, and if that wasn’t bad enough you had a baby with him. I can’t imagine what you were thinking but honestly I think your next step should be to extricate yourself and your kids from this toxic situation. You can’t do anything about the ex and your dp but you can choose whether or not you continue to let it damage your children. And mark my words, they are being damaged by this.

[ForwardRanger]

There's a theme in your thread OP, everything is someone else's fault. Moan moan moan, blame blame blame. And nothing changes.

What this reveals is that you are unable to take responsibility. Until you can do that, nothing will change.

You cannot control your partner's ex, you cannot control your partner, but you can change the way you behave. You can accept that you have this ex in your life forever - because you do - and that taking responsibility for your choice means handling the co-parenting with dignity.

Forget about what she says, it's all second hand anyway and frankly why is your partner relaying this stuff to you knowing it'll hurt you? The way you, he and she carry on is very immature and undoubtedly hurting the children. You say it isn't but you are kidding yourself. Again, you need to take responsibility for what comes out of your mouth and how you behave - for the children's sakes. Focus on improving your own attitude and relationships.