To think DP ex is effectively bullying my child!

[Maidmummy]

For clarification my DD is 6 and DP isn't her father. DP and ex have 2 girls 7+4 he is currently going through court to sort custody out and at the minute she only allows him access one weekend a fortnight. I've never met her and vice versa and tbh I don't want to. I have 3 DC with my ex and 1 with DP. When he picks his girls up on the weekend they are telling him "mummy said we aren't allowed to play with DD". She even tells them not to talk to me.

Surely that comment about my child to her children is some form of bullying?

DP has a phonecall with cafcass this afternoon and plans on bringing it up.

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my children, what the hell has my DD ever done to a woman she doesn't know and vice versa.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Exactly what @midnightstar66 said. What the ex said isn't nice but you can't take kids words as gospel. Their dad sounds absolutely useless and you sound nasty, poor kids

[knittingaddict]

Ah, I see my post was a bit redundant in light of recent posts.

[knittingaddict]

@Maidmummy

It's unreasonable to not want to keep buying clothes for children that are only here twice a month when money is tight and I have 4 other children to clothe, so my other children should go without because she refuses to hand over items that aren't hers.

I went through the same thing with my ex, it ended up where my children hardly had any clothes at home as he forgot to fetch them back he now buys to keep at his house which works best for us. How is more access than he has at the minute not achievable, my ex has our 3 for 2-3 nights a week, more access is entirely possible.

Seems men get the shitty end of the stick in court doesn't it, it took 2 to make that child not just 1 so why shouldn't both parents get 50/50 otherwise whats the point, unless both parents are still together then what's the point of a man's involvement being only part time may as well not be there at all. Both parents have equal responsibility for that child until it comes to contact after separating, then it's a case of "thanks for your deposit all them years ago you can fuck off now I'll do the rest". Pretty shitty imo.

You are being unreasonable and I think the court judgement will reflect that. Even if your partner was awarded 50/50 he would be highly unlikely to get 3 out of 4 weekends, for obvious reasons.


The weekends are a time to relax a bit and enjoy your children's company without rushing here, there and everywhere. It has to be fair for both parents. I would respect you both more if you were willing to take on some of the daily grind.

[pabloescobarselasticband]

@Maidmummy you wont get support on here, to many bitter, man hating ex wives. I get completely what you are having to put up with. My ex dp's sons mother was ( and still is from what i hear ) exactly the same! Absolutely vile excuse of a human being who used that poor child to her own ends while constantly playing the victim. All the posters saying go to court for 50/50 are right however the courts are pretty toothless and you may as well just put all your money on a fire and burn it! My ex would go to court, the court would make the order for contact etc. She would then completely ignore the order and do as she pleased with excuses not to facilitate contact. Ex would then spend more ££££ going back to court and she would get a bollocking from them for not facilitating contact ( no actual punishment though). She would then leave the court and do exactly the same as before and around it would go in a vicious circle. He actually paid her four times the amount requested by the cms, while she sat on her arse all day claiming benefits and moaning that he didn't give her enough! Apparently she couldn't work because she didn't have childcare ( for a child that was in school all day) yet when ex tried to say he would have the child more she refused. Imo lots of single mothers ( i am one before anyone says that I don't know what im talking about) see themselves as martyrs and use their children to control an ex that no longer wants to be with them because they are not mature enough to accept it.

[Howshouldibehave]

@whiteshark

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3865864-To-expect-more-from-DP

Also OP, dont pretend this man is a prince among men. what a fucking catch

Oh dear!

The last few posts on that thread have it all summed up, don’t they?!

[BigButtons]

I think the OP won’t be returning 🧐

[midnightstar66]

Wow, this post!!! Ok if she's saying what the dc are claiming word for word (unlikely) then she is U for that but tbh I can see why she has a problem with you. You sound intent on making things are as acrimonious as possible. 3 weekends is U. Ex tried this sort of shit and the judge was having none of it. Recognised I'd be doing all the hard work and he'd be doing the Disney stuff. Re the clothes tbh they probably want the nice things for the majority of the time rather than just the 2 weekends. I can't believe you asked for it back just send them home in the clothes they came in if it's really such a big deal. My dc often come home in clothes Tory like from their dads and tbh yes it gets muddled in with their stuff. So what it's a few clothes, I pay out for pretty much everything whilst he pays a measly Cms payment. It's absolutely shocking that he didn't pay maintenance til forced. I'd imagine she thought the small amount wasn't worth rocking the boat for so she struggled on but then the boat was rocked anyway so she might as well have the extra few quid. Re the school runs is nonsense. There's no list of who can drop a child off and anyone with PR can not be stopped collecting legally unless there is a court order stating so. Her being awkward can be solved by the judge anyway so he can have midweek rather than just going for weekends instead, so that makes no sense you saying midweek is out of the question- excuses I feel. Re the collection times - this will be solved by court also , it's literally the point to have set times and places to avoid this. As for refusing to have them extra when the baby comes as punishment despite supposedly desperately wanting to see them more, that's just the icing on the cake really! P.s if a parent notices lice or any other common childhood ailment they simply treat it!

[thereoncewaslove]

@Maidmummy honestly OP you don't sound like a very nice person. Very bitter. Poor children.

[Blacktothepink]

Jesus...what a nightmare, poor kids ☹️

[Mittens030869]

Plus, the OP doesn’t like people bringing up her previous thread about her DP being a carer. I therefore think it’s definitely possible that that comment was meant to be sarcastic.

[Mittens030869]

It was under a different username and not highlighted in green to indicate that it was the OP. So it was quite easy to tell the difference actually.

[CJsGoldfish]

That wasn’t actually the OP’s post, though I agree that it was a weird comment
Really? Couldn't tell the diff 🤣

[Mittens030869]

’Or, as he was a carer previously, financially they were already disadvantaged, but now they're lives have gotten better because he's moved in with the mother of his youngest child and now his first two children have numerous siblings to love.’

‘You'll do yourself an injury with a stretch like that OP 🤣’

That wasn’t actually the OP’s post, though I agree that it was a weird comment.

Or was the poster being sarcastic?

[CJsGoldfish]

or, as he was a carer previously, financially they were already disadvantaged, but now they're lives have gotten better because he's moved in with the mother of his youngest child and now his first two children have numerous siblings to love

You'll do yourself an injury with a stretch like that OP 🤣

[ForwardRanger]

Didn't realise everybody else's relationship bar mine is a complete bed of roses with no complaints

This line is a great example of your attitude and communication style.

Literally no-one in here has claimed their relationship to be a "bed of roses". That's you OP making things up, exaggerating, creating drama. And frankly, you are very rude. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be your neighbour, children's teacher etc.

You need to step away from drama and put your energy into doing the right thing. This means focusing on being a responsible parent (by the way, this includes not badmouthing co-parents), and learning how to resolve conflict. You're carrying on like a foul-mouthed teenager who has been thrown out of a bar.

[SakuraEdenSwan1]

@Maidmummy

WTF has an old thread got to do with the current situation, please find something better to do other than trying to find other faults in me. Fuck me are humans not allowed faults and mistakes, seems not on here, suppose we should all be childless and very financially well off when getting into relationships and having children. Didn't realise everybody else's relationship bar mine is a complete bed of roses with no complaints 🙄

You have been utterly spiteful and bitter on here towards his ex yet expect us to not judge you when the tables are turned?

[ForwardRanger]

There's a theme in your thread OP, everything is someone else's fault. Moan moan moan, blame blame blame. And nothing changes.

What this reveals is that you are unable to take responsibility. Until you can do that, nothing will change.

You cannot control your partner's ex, you cannot control your partner, but you can change the way you behave. You can accept that you have this ex in your life forever - because you do - and that taking responsibility for your choice means handling the co-parenting with dignity.

Forget about what she says, it's all second hand anyway and frankly why is your partner relaying this stuff to you knowing it'll hurt you? The way you, he and she carry on is very immature and undoubtedly hurting the children. You say it isn't but you are kidding yourself. Again, you need to take responsibility for what comes out of your mouth and how you behave - for the children's sakes. Focus on improving your own attitude and relationships.

[LuaDipa]

@Maidmummy

Shockingly the children are all unaffected by the court proceedings, apart from what ex says to them before they leave the house they are very happy go lucky children, they spend all weekend singing, playing, going outside, lots of laughter and chasing each other, the eldest 4 all doing well at school, hardly the children sat in a corner crying rocking backwards and forwards image you seem to be painting.

I don’t believe this for a second. It may suit you to think this but there is no way in hell these kids are coming out of this shitshow unscathed. And I include your own in that.

This is harsh, but I think you need to hear it and I hope you pay attention.

Your dh’s ex isn’t covering herself in glory, but he doesn’t sound like much of a catch himself. And let’s be honest, she was good enough for him to spend 11 years with, to bear his children and raise them without a penny and with minimal contact from him so his opinion of her can’t be that bad.

Please just take a step back from this. The ex may be a nightmare but I think it’s clear she has her reasons. The way you speak about her and blame her for all of this is appalling and those poor kids will be able to see the contempt you all have for each other. That is no way to grow up.

As for your own kids, you moved a lazy, jobless man child into their home, and if that wasn’t bad enough you had a baby with him. I can’t imagine what you were thinking but honestly I think your next step should be to extricate yourself and your kids from this toxic situation. You can’t do anything about the ex and your dp but you can choose whether or not you continue to let it damage your children. And mark my words, they are being damaged by this.

[BigButtons]

@Faultymain5 I am confused as to how on earth he could have been a carer of any worth previously when the OP complained about how utterly useless and lazy he was when she moved him in.

I suspect the ex is right royally pissed off that her useless ex who probably did nothing to support her when with her is now asking for 50/50.

[Shelby2010]

The question is why, if the ex is such a nightmare is DP not asking for 50:50? The court might not award it, but if they do, the ex will have to abide by it. Also it is then a starting point to negotiate more than EOW.

Also, your ex should be paying the full amount of maintenance for his children. It’s not fair that DP’s children have less money available to be spent on them because your ex doesn’t pay full amount.

[IrmaFayLear]

What sort of bloke moves in with a woman with three dcs, one of whom is 18 months old, when they already have two small children elsewhere.? And then gets new woman pregnant?

Rhetorical question.

[Faultymain5]

@CJsGoldfish

nobody has the right to judge other peoples parenting
She says as she's judging someone elses parenting 🙄

The more I read, the more I think her 'version' would be worth hearing because yours is just one long bitter and petty rant.
Her child is disadvantaged because their father moved in with some randoms 3 kids and then went ahead and had another after 5 mins. My guess is that her story would be a whole lot different to yours OP

And no, even if what you are saying is true, it's not bullying.

or, as he was a carer previously, financially they were already disadvantaged, but now they're lives have gotten better because he's moved in with the mother of his youngest child and now his first two children have numerous siblings to love.

[BigButtons]

meant partner and father

[BigButtons]

The other thread info is actually very useful. From it we can assume that he was feckless and useless in his previous relationship- since he was for a long time before you helped him see the error of his ways. Since he came to you that way there is no reason to think that he turned from wonder dad with his ex and kids into rubbish partner with you.
So it is highly likely that she is very angry and resentful because he was so utterly rubbish as a parent and father.

[CJsGoldfish]

nobody has the right to judge other peoples parenting
She says as she's judging someone elses parenting 🙄

The more I read, the more I think her 'version' would be worth hearing because yours is just one long bitter and petty rant.
Her child is disadvantaged because their father moved in with some randoms 3 kids and then went ahead and had another after 5 mins. My guess is that her story would be a whole lot different to yours OP

And no, even if what you are saying is true, it's not bullying.