Do I challenge how my DS described this boy?

[RickyZoom]

My DS is 4 and will make friends with anyone wherever we go.
Recently we went to an playground and he made friends with a boy around his age. When asking him if he enjoyed his day he said "yes, first I had an ice cream, then I played with the black boy." Now AIBU just to let this description pass as a 4 year old describing what someone looks like, the same as if he was telling me his hair colour or should I be starting to discuss what is and isn't appropriate ways to describe people. Or am I worrying about nothing?

You're worrying about nothing. Children describe what they see, how else would they describe them?

I don't think it requires a comment.

It's the same as if he used hair colour. You could in future take notice of clothing and answer 'oh the boy in the blue// etc t shirt', if you feel more comfortable.

@Torrennce

You're worrying about nothing. Children describe what they see, how else would they describe them?

I agree.

Maybe the black boy went home and said he played with the white boy.

Don't make it into a Thing.

I would say something, if he's old enough to say please and thank you (which he is) then he is old enough to be guided towards appropriate language and to be introduced to the concept of racism.

I have a black child and I'd be fine with this. Mine also uses colours to describe herself and others, there's nothing behind it

Especially as he's playing nicely it's not an issue

I think it is quite unusual for a 4 year old to use the word black; they are usually much more likely to say someone had brown skin, and then often only if someone asks what their friend looks like.

Black isn't an insult unless you allow it to be treated as an insult. Don't turn it into a Thing

Black isn’t an insult

@TaraR2020

I would say something, if he's old enough to say please and thank you (which he is) then he is old enough to be guided towards appropriate language and to be introduced to the concept of racism.

What's inappropriate or racist about saying 'black'?

I would be fine with this but surprised he described him as "black". DS (also 4) had a very dark skinned black friend at preschool last year but never described him as black. He said he had a brown face once but other than that genuinely didnt seem to really notice.

It's funny the things they DO notice. He noticed the child who had massive tantrums more, and the child who had very little speech. I know another mum well who told me over a glass of wine that her DD described my DS as "the boy who doesn't like cheese."

This reminds me of an old workplace of mine. We had two colleagues, both called Sarah with the same surname. "Which Sarah do you mean?" People would go to all sorts of awkward lengths to distinguish one from the other - the older one, the one who teaches English, the one who drives the Renault. No one would ever say the black one or the lesbian one

So long as he wouldn't say that when he knew someone's name, there is no issue. Black is a description and there is no issue with using it, if anything desperately trying to avoid saying someone is black is worse to me, and erases blackness which can be a huge part of someone's identity. It's a bit 'i don't see colour'.

He has simply described his friend in the way he feels most appropriately distinguishes him from other children. If you speak to him about it then you make the description "black" seem offensive and it isn't anymore than describing a child as blond because they have blond hair. From the way you describe the conversation he has not attached any judgement to his statement, don't make him think he needs to walk on egg shells when describing the appearance of anyone who doesn't look just like him.It sounds like they enjoyed themselves, try not to pass on adult baggage.

4 year old saying Brown child - understandable. Kids say what they see. 'The Black Boy' - No. That's not usual. You're on a majority White forum asking the question so no doubt you'll mostly get "it's fine". However someone else will pull your son up on it later down the line if you dont so, depends if you mind that or not.

I dont think black is an insult at all. It is a bit unusual though in my experience. I have a almost 6 year old who I don't think would ever describe a child as black, she would probably say boy with 'brown skin' or 'dark skin' and would be really unlikely to use a descriptor at all unless asked for one. We do live in a very multicultural area though and in her friendship group has children of several different racial backgrounds. If you lived in a less diverse area i suppose I can see why a child might describe race as a thing that stood out to them about someone.

When my daughter was 3 she described the blac child she was playing with as 'having a choccy face' She cringes now when I tell her this

Think it is really helpful to question and having the courage to be vulnerable enough to ask. Avoiding discussion of colour leads to that well meaning but awfully ignorant “we do not see colour” which leads to worse. If you live in a predominately white neighbourhood the most obvious thing about that boy was his colour. I assume you do or your son would not have used it to distinguish him. How do you refer to people of colour in your house? That is the language he will use.

Not really a thing, I think. But why not ask the child's name and just use that? If your 4yo didn't think to ask, teach him how to for next time. Job done!

I would wonder where he heard the term black boy as a descriptor. If it were one of my ds he would probably be describing the hair colour or tshirt colour as black. But not skin colour. That would have more accurately been described as brown but most likely not noticed or described at all.
I'm white British though so can't help with your original question if he was indeed describing the colour of his skin as black boy. He must have heard that from someone.

@TaraR2020

I would say something, if he's old enough to say please and thank you (which he is) then he is old enough to be guided towards appropriate language and to be introduced to the concept of racism.

He really doesn’t need to be introduced to the concept of racism. The later that introduction is made the better. He used black as a simple descriptor which was perfectly appropriate.

I also wouldn’t say anything but I’d be wondering where he heard it. My children really didn’t notice skin colour or comment, or hair colour since that’s been mentioned as a comparison for the comment, until they were 7/8. It sounds like he’s heard it as a descriptor somewhere so I’d think about that then challenge if needed. My in laws used to describe people by their race to DS for some reason unless they were white.

What? Black is the correct phrasing.

Coloured is not.

I don’t see colour is also not.