Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I challenge how my DS described this boy?

216 replies

RickyZoom · 21/04/2021 18:36

My DS is 4 and will make friends with anyone wherever we go.
Recently we went to an playground and he made friends with a boy around his age. When asking him if he enjoyed his day he said "yes, first I had an ice cream, then I played with the black boy." Now AIBU just to let this description pass as a 4 year old describing what someone looks like, the same as if he was telling me his hair colour or should I be starting to discuss what is and isn't appropriate ways to describe people. Or am I worrying about nothing?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2021 19:51

I don’t think you should say anything. Yes, he must have heard the term used as children would naturally not use this description, they say “he has brown skin” or similar. Usually kids don’t even mention the colour of skin.

However he did mention it, and it’s just a description not an insult.

I don’t think there’s anything you could say that wouldn’t be worse than saying nothing!

UserTwice · 21/04/2021 19:57

Black is fine as a descriptor for a person who is of black ethnic origin.

I'd be a surprised if a 4 year old knows this though so likely they were talking about the actual colour of the boy's skin. Which isn't acceptable. So I'd suggest that OP tells her son it's not nice to describe people using their skin colour and he should choose something else. What would she do if he said a lady was "fat"? He might just be making a childish observation but he still needs to know that this isn't a socially acceptable way to talk about someone.

WeatherwaxOn · 21/04/2021 19:59

I have a number of friends who are not white. One of them is overweight (serious health issues) and walks with aids. She describes herself as "fat, black and disabled".
I have had discussions with other friends and they prefer "black" to "person of colour'.
If I didn't know someone then I would describe them as simply as possible, "The white man with a beard", "The mixed race woman", etc.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/04/2021 20:00

I don’t think it’s unusual for a 4 year old to say a black boy.

My 4 year old studied Africa for a whole term at pre school and would know it’s ok to say black.

I would explain to my 4 year old they don’t need to declare the colour of a persons skin though.

Candycane57 · 21/04/2021 20:02

'Black' isn't a bad word. Please don't make your children think it is.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 20:04

Children that age just describe what they see. I used to embarrass my Mum quite regularly when I was 2/3 by pointing out the fact one of her customer’s had odd shoes on, she was an elderly woman with dementia.

Whythesadface · 21/04/2021 20:05

Your child is going to come out with far worse descriptions of people and things in the next few years,
Children say what they see and will look at you as if your stupid when you try to use the PC terms as some of them stretch even the imagination of an adult,

doadeer · 21/04/2021 20:05

I would encourage him to ask the name rather than refer to him by his colour. In the area where you live are there a mix of ethnicities or is it predominately white?

Squidgling · 21/04/2021 20:09

I don't agree with the comments that kids don't see the colour of their friends skin or comment on it. I think it's dependent on the child. My 6 year old has never really commented on it or mentioned it at all whereas my 3 year old frequently points out if her friends skin is brown (this is how she describes it and she says that she has peach skin). For example when she's telling me about children at nursery she'll often mention it in amongst the other descriptions she gives me.

I do agree that she's never described someone as being black or white though, it is always brown skin or peach skin. As an aside she also describes daddy as having brown skin as he has more tanned skin than her so it is purely saying what she sees. We don't worry.

chittychittybang · 21/04/2021 20:10

I would say something, if he's old enough to say please and thank you (which he is) then he is old enough to be guided towards appropriate language and to be introduced to the concept of racism.

Well describing someone as black isn't racist, so that's fine then.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/04/2021 20:11

Black is fine as a descriptor for a person who is of black ethnic origin.
I'd be a surprised if a 4 year old knows this though so likely they were talking about the actual colour of the boy's skin. Which isn't acceptable.
Can you expand on this, please?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/04/2021 20:11

While it was clearly said in innocence, you should be encouraging him to use the boy's name.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 20:12

I wouldnt challenge it. Is there only one black kid in the school though?

Planningobjection · 21/04/2021 20:18

I hate being described as the Asian woman. It doesn’t define me and I wish people described other features about me if they don’t know my name. Lots of people saying it’s fine but I don’t get it, ethnicity doesn’t define people imo. Maybe I’m sensitive as half Asian and half white yet always described as Asian.

Camomila · 21/04/2021 20:22

DietrichandDiMaggio DS1 got taught to say black at nursery I think, he used to describe one of the teachers as "the brown teacher" then at one point started calling her "the black teacher" - so I suppose she might have corrected him.

He is mixed race himself (White/Asian) and is really interested in how everyone is different shades of pink and brown (he's 5 now).

Original poster
RickyZoom · 21/04/2021 20:24

Thanks for the reply, some interesting points of view. To those who've asked, we don't live in a very racially diverse area, there are probably only a handful of non white children in my eldest son's school.
I should encourage him to find out his playmate's names, my kids will play for hours with other kids at the park and when I ask them what their names were I get "dunno"

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 21/04/2021 20:25

@Branleuse

I wouldnt challenge it. Is there only one black kid in the school though?
She said it was at a playground. It was just some random kid whose name he didn't know, if it were a different child he might have called them 'the tall boy' or 'the girl in the red jumper' etc etc.

OP, it's fine. He obviously understands the term 'Black' and that people refer to themselves and others that way. There are a lot of places he might have picked that up, and it's good that someone has acknowledged these differences with him. Colour blindness does nobody any favours. Your son's impression of the day was that he had a nice time with ice cream and a new friend, not that he saw a Black person.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2021 20:25

So I'd suggest that OP tells her son it's not nice to describe people using their skin colour and he should choose something else.

Why is that not nice? Is there something inherently unpalatable about mentioning certain skin colours?

Black is fine as a descriptor for a person who is of black ethnic origin. I'd be a surprised if a 4 year old knows this though so likely they were talking about the actual colour of the boy's skin. Which isn't acceptable.

What phenotype is this that have black coloured skin but are not of black ethnicity?

I would think most 4 YOs know that 'black' refers to people of sub-saharran African ethnicity, even if they wouldn't know any of that explanation.

DenisetheMenace · 21/04/2021 20:30

Seriously, what’s the issue? He might have said the ginger girl, the fat boy, the boy in the wheelchair, the short girl, the boy with the green hat. 4 year olds say what they see, theirs no intent, the usually say the most obvious characteristic first.

Maybe encourage him to ask childrens’ names when he plays with them and then he would probably say “I played with William” or whatever.

TheVolturi · 21/04/2021 20:30

I have a child who says what he sees and he describes black people as brown. He is only saying what he sees.

Wrenna · 21/04/2021 20:31

I don’t think it’s an issue. I have a friend who is black and she was asking me if someone she was expecting showed up at our office. I said I didn’t know his name, but he was medium height, medium build, etc. She laughed at me and said, “was he a black guy?!” and I said yes. She laughed and shook her head at me as if saying, it’s ok to say someone is black you know! This was 20 years ago.

CutieBear · 21/04/2021 20:31

I’ve taught Reception and Y1 and children (of any race) just describe what they see. It’s more common to hear black or white children refer to their skin as brown or pink.

Kotatsu · 21/04/2021 20:34

At that age, are you sure he was talking about skin colour and not what colour the child's clothes were?

Both of mine would describe people by the colour of their clothes eg. the blue boy, the green girl - sometimes they'd say red t-shirt, but when they were young they often didn't.

FireflyRainbow · 21/04/2021 20:35

It's not an insult to be black is it?! Random.

Progress2019 · 21/04/2021 20:48

My youngest told me there was a beautiful boy in her class (reception - she’d only just turned 4). I asked her what he looked like and she said ‘beautiful like a big spotty orange’. It turned out he was a plump freckly boy with bright ginger curls. They're still close friends now and shes almost 20.

Im surprised your little boy said black and not brown if he was describing skin colour. Could it have been the other boys tshirt?