Do I challenge how my DS described this boy?

[RickyZoom]

My DS is 4 and will make friends with anyone wherever we go.
Recently we went to an playground and he made friends with a boy around his age. When asking him if he enjoyed his day he said "yes, first I had an ice cream, then I played with the black boy." Now AIBU just to let this description pass as a 4 year old describing what someone looks like, the same as if he was telling me his hair colour or should I be starting to discuss what is and isn't appropriate ways to describe people. Or am I worrying about nothing?

My son used to say things like this, like your son it was purely descriptive. At 4 I don't think it's too young to know people might not like certain comments. I agree there's nothing wrong with being described as a black person but I did think I probably wouldn't always want to be mainly described as the white girl growing up like that is the only adjective people could think to use for me.

I'd say to my son how else could you describe the person (blue top, fast, funny,etc) as that's how he would describe a white child.

Complete non-issue. He was pointing out the characteristic that stood out the most. If 9 out of 10 kids in the park were black, he would have said 'the boy with the green hat on'.

Don't listen to any of the 'you need to speak to him about racism' posts.

He's 4 and doing what 4 year olds do, saying the first thing their little brains tell them to.

Having a conversation about racism at that age will only make him wary of interacting with children of other colours through fear of offending them.

I would correct my son if he said it. My son is mixed race just for context and he's just turned 5. He did at some point last year ask me "why is daddy black" and "mummy why are you white" which is perfectly normal as yes, he's saying it as it is but I explained to him that everyone is made different but everyone is equal and explained to him other ways to describe people instead of "black" or "white" (I hate these labels although I appreciate everyone has different views). I think it's important to educate children on race/culture etc and appropriate ways to address people. The same way a child would openly point out a man with one leg for example, I wouldn't let him refer to that man as "hoppy" even though to my son that's how he moves. You can refer to people in other ways without labelling their race as it does ostracise (sp?) people even if its unintentional. There's some really good books if you Google about racism (not in anyway suggesting you are!) but they are really helpful resources for children to explain race etc :)

My 7 year old still describes skin colours as brown and blonde.
I think is so sweet.
We’re a very mixed race family so prefer to describe using shades of brown/ peach anyway. We’re not sure what our labels are. We’re neither black or white and are varying shades in between.

@Amelia2021
Agree with you 100%. We are a mixed family too and I wouldn't like my son to be referred to as "the black boy" because no other child's skintone would be used as their sole descriptor.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I would be fine with this but surprised he described him as "black". DS (also 4) had a very dark skinned black friend at preschool last year but never described him as black. He said he had a brown face once but other than that genuinely didnt seem to really notice.

It's funny the things they DO notice. He noticed the child who had massive tantrums more, and the child who had very little speech. I know another mum well who told me over a glass of wine that her DD described my DS as "the boy who doesn't like cheese."

Bit different from meeting a child in the park

I think it is quite unusual for a 4 year old to use the word black; they are usually much more likely to say someone had brown skin, and then often only if someone asks what their friend looks like.

^ this

I’d tell a four year old that there are some things that people don’t like being described with. It’s factual to say the black boy or the fat lady or the bald man, and four year olds will use those words to describe people innocently, but it’s our job to teach them what’s acceptable and what isn’t, even when it’s beyond what they can properly understand.

Yes agreed! X

My mum tells a story of when my sister was a child and answered the phone, then hollered 'MUMMY THERE'S A BLACK MAN ON THE PHONE FOR YOU'. No idea how old she was but it's normal child behaviour I should think.

The thing is 4 year olds don’t call people ‘black’...unless they’ve heard them described that way.

I’ve seen many times - and it’s a testament to true innocence - that a child that young
referring to skin colour will say ‘brown’ or ‘like chocolate’ or ‘very brown’. Because that’s actually a way more accurate description than ‘black’.

OP if I were you I’d be wondering who he has heard talking about ‘black people’.

Some of the hand wringing on this thread 😂😂 just encourage him to find out the name of kids he’s playing with. Some of these responses remind me of people that fanny about not seeing colour.

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow

The thing is 4 year olds don’t call people ‘black’...unless they’ve heard them described that way.

I’ve seen many times - and it’s a testament to true innocence - that a child that young
referring to skin colour will say ‘brown’ or ‘like chocolate’ or ‘very brown’. Because that’s actually a way more accurate description than ‘black’.

OP if I were you I’d be wondering who he has heard talking about ‘black people’.

Why?

i couldn't get worked up about 'the black boy' bit tbh, most people in this country are actually varying shades of pink but are still described as white.

Yes you should be talking to him about it, unfortunately adults still lazily use this method of referring to race when describing a person. Teach your child to call people by their names instead.

He’s 4 - don’t challenge him, unless you know he knew the boys name. You could suggest he uses names in future.

If he didn’t, then it’s a perfectly natural to say what they see. As a pp explained- “The girl with the yellow hair, the boy with the glasses etc....

Some students, all persons of colour were saying how Black the skin of a Nigerian was, it seems he used to sunbath, and had only been here in the UK 6 months.
Yes he really was the darkest person I have ever seen.

@RickyZoom

My DS is 4 and will make friends with anyone wherever we go. Recently we went to an playground and he made friends with a boy around his age. When asking him if he enjoyed his day he said "yes, first I had an ice cream, then I played with the black boy." Now AIBU just to let this description pass as a 4 year old describing what someone looks like, the same as if he was telling me his hair colour or should I be starting to discuss what is and isn't appropriate ways to describe people. Or am I worrying about nothing?

‘He’s not ‘the black boy’ he has a name. What is it?’ Should be enough.

@TableFlowerss

He’s 4 - don’t challenge him, unless you know he knew the boys name. You could suggest he uses names in future.

If he didn’t, then it’s a perfectly natural to say what they see. As a pp explained- “The girl with the yellow hair, the boy with the glasses etc....

This is often how thoughtlessness re race starts ‘that’s the black / muslim / Indian boy’ but I bet the white kids all have names or get get described by other characteristics. I fought back with a white acquantence who did this by describing her as ‘ruddy’ and she hated it.

It's fine to describe someone as black if a physical description is actually warranted, e.g. in order to identify someone. It isn't fine to insert labels when it isn't relevant.

In this situation, I would encourage your ds to find out his little friend's name and have him use that instead.

I would completely over look this. At 4 they are still developing language and understanding, they very innocently say what they see.

I'm with those thinking it's an odd term for a 4 year old to pick. If he's picking skin colour as a descriptor then they'd be more likely to go for brown. I agree your worry is if he's heard it in a pejorative way rather than a positive way.
Unless he was thinking of hair colour..
I don't think a curious playful bit of questioning would be amiss here just to check where the terminology had come from and that he was using it in a positive way. It could even be they'd already had a conversation about skin colour and the child told him proudly I'm black.
My white daughter did this yesterday - bumped into a friend she made at Easter hols camp. "Curly haired girl!!" she greeted with delight to a child with dual heritage. That's why I'm wondering if it's hair not skin.

Also at 4 they often don't ask someone's name. It's just a new friend. When asked about their day obviously they will talk about what the saw. Don't make an issue out of something that isn't one.

I’m obviously missing something. What’s wrong with describing someone as black? Black Lives Matter campaigners don’t seem to have a problem with it

I don't understand everyone saying 'how come he knows the word 'black' and didn't call him 'brown'?' 'Black' is the accepted terminology in the UK for someone of Afro-Caribbean descent. It is used frequently in the media. His parents might use it (perfectly acceptably) to describe somebody they met, a celebrity etc. It's not like other terminologies that are offensive. Children pick up all kinds of things, I don't see why it's so surprising he's picked that up.