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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
Mickey1234 · 21/04/2021 18:11

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:14

In what way would relaxing help?

OP posts:
Phoebesgift · 21/04/2021 18:15

Be grateful you have one child. Some people can't have any children.

Are you projecting your unhappiness on to your child? It's unusual that they would be crying over not having a sibling.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 21/04/2021 18:15

But having one child is lovely too! You can build a close bond, and it's not lonely being an only child. I loved it, I had all the attention my parents could give, whereas friends with older and younger siblings didn't have the opportunities or experiences that I had.

You need to look at the positive things, I know it can be hard, but it will make it a little easier.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:17

@Phoebesgift

Be grateful you have one child. Some people can't have any children. Are you projecting your unhappiness on to your child? It's unusual that they would be crying over not having a sibling.
He cries because he has no one to play with at home. My husband and I never project on to him.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/04/2021 18:17

It sounds very hard, but you are clearly passing your feelings on to your child. Crying for a sibling is most unusual, you know.
Try not to let it overshadow both your lives.

Corncorncorn · 21/04/2021 18:17

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult not to be able to conceive another child.
I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Flowers

MuchTooTired · 21/04/2021 18:18

I’m sorry that this has happened to you - it’s not bloody fair. I totally get why you’re feeling jealous, it’s a perfectly reasonable way to feel.

I’ve no advice, just couldn’t read and run without saying I’m sorry, it’s unfair and totally shit.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:18

@bunburyscucumbersandwich

But having one child is lovely too! You can build a close bond, and it's not lonely being an only child. I loved it, I had all the attention my parents could give, whereas friends with older and younger siblings didn't have the opportunities or experiences that I had.

You need to look at the positive things, I know it can be hard, but it will make it a little easier.

Thank you that sounds nice 🥰
OP posts:
Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:20

@GreyhoundG1rl

It sounds very hard, but you are clearly passing your feelings on to your child. Crying for a sibling is most unusual, you know. Try not to let it overshadow both your lives.
Not clearly at all. He cries because he wants someone to play with at home. He says if I had a brother I could do xxxxx. My husband and I are careful to not to project on to him, we never mention siblings to him.
OP posts:
movintothecountry · 21/04/2021 18:20

Not sure either of these first posts are very supportive to the op?

Op, it's shit that you desperately want another child when it seems unlikely to happen. It's OK to feel hard done by, yes there is always someone worse off but it doesn't mean your feelings aren't real and valid.

user1487194234 · 21/04/2021 18:20

I am very sorry for your situation
Am not going to patronise you or tell you how to think
Sending you best wishes for the future

MagnoliaBeige · 21/04/2021 18:20

You’re allowed to feel sad for struggling to have the family you’d dreamed of, being told “relax” and “be grateful you have one” is textbook crap people say to women with fertility issues Angry

I have no advice not you’re not alone xxx

Mickey1234 · 21/04/2021 18:21

@greendress789

In what way would relaxing help?
Your body being in a more relaxed state and not continuously being stressed about trying to conceive would I believe help. Worked for me. Once I stopped trying and just let nature take its course I became PG. I also have two friends done the same and it worked? All I'm saying is enjoy your little one whilst they are little and if it's meant to be it will be.
Notnastypasty · 21/04/2021 18:22

I think you just need to accept what you have and make the best of it, as hard as that can be. Even if you had another baby it doesn’t necessarily mean your son would have a brother he got on with. I have friends with two kids that don’t get along at all.

I have one child, by choice, and always felt guilty for not wanting another one. My daughter loves being an only child, has plenty of friends and we have an amazing relationship. It’s also given us more freedom. I know it’s not for everybody but you have to make your peace with the life you have and try to move on from the life you wanted.

StealthPolarBear · 21/04/2021 18:23

Does he have cousins? I was an only child and my childhood was idyllic, appreciate lockdown means that's not the same.
I'm more bothered now as I feel the weight of responsibility for my parents looming.

Butchyrestingface · 21/04/2021 18:23

How old is your child?

Are you still under or have recently been under, Lockdown restrictions where you are? If so, isn't it more likely, that your son is lonely due to lack of companionship in general and if framing that in a specific way (because he is aware of your feelings)?

somersault · 21/04/2021 18:23

Oh OP, this sounds so painful. It sounds like you are really grieving for what you had so hoped for for your family. Ignore the posters above who say to just relax and be grateful you have one child. I imagine it makes you feel worse being don't you can't feel as you do. I think counselling would be helpful to help you process how you feel.

Spied · 21/04/2021 18:23

Your dc crying for a sibling isn't natural ( I'm an only who didn't particularly in enjoy being an only).
Your dc doesn't know any different and I think you must be projecting onto them.
Do they overhear you talking?
Do you tell them it would be lovely for them to have a sibling to play with?
Do you make it feel sad that they don't?

StealthPolarBear · 21/04/2021 18:25

My children seem to know lots of only children too, much more common than thirty years ago ime.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:25

@Mickey1234 that works for people that don't have fertility issues.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 21/04/2021 18:25

I am in your position - conceived via ivf as there is no hope of my being able to conceive or carry ‘naturally’ had DS & Covid means my immunosuppression therapies can’t happen so there is no point in going through another cycle.

I try to be grateful for what I have everyday. Just remember most IVF cycles end in failure - and you are fortunate to have 1.

As for your son crying for a sibling - have you and your OH made IVF all consuming for your family? That just seems unhealthy. You both need to focus on him now not some mythical second sibling - encourage friendships with friends and cousins, do stuff he enjoys, get his mind off ivf, and if you decide to have another cycle make it a policy not to talk to or about it with him. He doesn’t need the pressure.

Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 18:25

It's ok to feel jealous. You know you need to come to terms with it though for your own sake. Try to focus on the positives of an only child, there are many xx

ChristmasArmadillo · 21/04/2021 18:26

I see someone’s already here with the old “just relax” advice. You could be so relaxed you’re practically in a coma and it won’t magically cure infertility.
I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I empathize. Just because someone else has it worse doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. Flowers how old is your DS?

paralysedbyinertia · 21/04/2021 18:26

You will come to terms with it, OP. I did.

After years of wanting a second child, I accepted it wasn't going to happen. I'm actually really grateful now for how things have worked out, as there are many advantages to having an only child. We have been able to give dd so much time and attention and so many opportunities that she wouldn't have had if we had had other children. I also think our relationship is much closer than it would have been.

My dd is nearly 16 now, and has never wanted a sibling. She is happy, confident and well-adjusted. She has fabulous social skills and tons of friends. She is never lonely. Your dc will be just fine.

Try to change your mindset. Focus on the positives. Be grateful for the one amazing child that you do have, and know that he is enough. Happy families come in all shapes and sizes. Flowers

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