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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
kickergoes · 21/04/2021 19:21

OP I'm so sorry the first responses you've had are to be grateful for what you have and to relax, fucking hell talk about MN twat bingo. Has anyone said adopt yet?

I don't really have any advice other than solidarity that it's not as easy as feeling grateful, if that's all we needed to do in life to not yearn for anything I'm sure everyone could be happy, we all want something to varying degrees and that yearning for a child is intense. I truly hope it happens for you.

kickergoes · 21/04/2021 19:21

@EinAugenblickBitte haha cross post!

Bul21ia · 21/04/2021 19:22

I have an only OP it wasn’t what I planned. I never and will never let on your DS about any worries I have though. Your child shouldn’t be crying for a sibling... that’s a reflection from you and your partner.

DS is now 6 and said he wishes he has a sibling but not to the stage of where he’s upset...

Puddingypops · 21/04/2021 19:23

I have one child, when he was 3 I sustained a severe brain injury, I was in bed for 4 years, I’m still unwell 9 years after the injury, I longed for 2 or 3 kids but when I was in bed in agony and unable to parent my son all I wanted was to care for the baby I had. He is 12 now and I am grateful for having him and being well enough to care for him, I’ll never be able to have anymore but I am over that.

As hard as it is at times for you, remember that behind closed doors the sibling arguments, stress and money troubles are real for bigger families, I love having one child that I can do things with that I wouldn’t be able to if I had more.

I also know 2 people with 3 kids who wish they had stopped after 1.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:24

@Suzie3180

What diagnosis has ivf clinic given you? We had unexplained infertility which basically means I couldn’t get pregnant and they couldn’t find a cause.

I had many rounds of IUI and ivf and all failed. I got pregnant naturally! I got pregnant more than once naturally too so not a one off. Obviously might not work for you as I don’t know issue but this is what I did:

Acupunture, reflexology, macca and spirlina powder smoothies everyday, not just during “fertile window”, why not give it a go? I know when your desperately trying the last thing you want to hear is that natural will work. I felt angry when someone said the same to me as I felt why am I wasting thousands on ivf of natural will work. I had no faith it would work but it did. I’ve done this same method for all my pregnancies.

I'm glad this worked for you! Getting pregnant naturally at my age after 10 years of this crap probably isn't going to happen! Would also help if my husband didn't feel like he'd let me down and wanted to have sex, without all the sadness we've endured surrounding it.
OP posts:
givemesteel · 21/04/2021 19:25

Some of the replies on here are awful.

OP if you're not finding this helpful ask for this to be taken down and look on the infertility boards, I found the secondary infertility thread very helpful.

It is completely normal to find it so difficult when people laugh about their 'oops' pregnancies as if it is so easy for everyone.

It is normal to grieve for something you thought you like would have, if counselling doesn't feel right maybe look to see if there are any books on the subject?

I think another thing that would help is deciding when you're 'done' with actively trying, as that gives you a sense of control back.

Maireas · 21/04/2021 19:25

@ChristmasArmadillo

This thread could be featured in a “what not to say to someone who’s struggling with infertility” seminar. Angry
Absolutely! I cringed when I saw the old "relax" nonsense. Has having a holiday been mentioned yet?!
HopingForRainbow2021 · 21/04/2021 19:25

OP, I hear you, and I truly empathise. I could have written the title to your thread myself. Wanting a second child so badly that you feel the way you do is entirely understandable. You have already been through so much, and I know how hard it is when you want this not only for you, but for your DC too. PP saying it's unnatural to have a child cry for a sibling obviously haven't gone through a strict lockdown with an only child. It just made my DS talk about having a sibling more and more - and we have never mentioned TTC, IVF or the miscarriage or anything to him - because we didn't want to project. He still wants what he wants - and so do we as parents.

It too am desperate to have a second child and really struggling. My DS (5 in May) was conceived naturally, but since then my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, and we can't safely conceive without IVF. He was allowed one treatment break to allow us to have sperm frozen (and one month to try naturally) last year, and we conceived - which felt like an absolute miracle - only to have a miscarriage last November. I'm in the middle of my second round of IVF this year at the moment. I , too, feel so envious of others with 2, 3, 4 children. I am happy for my friends and their growing families, but it is so hard not to feel the envy too. xxx

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:25

@Bul21ia

I have an only OP it wasn’t what I planned. I never and will never let on your DS about any worries I have though. Your child shouldn’t be crying for a sibling... that’s a reflection from you and your partner.

DS is now 6 and said he wishes he has a sibling but not to the stage of where he’s upset...

No it's not a reflection as I have explained up thread but thank you for your other comments.
OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 21/04/2021 19:27

I have no words of advice or comfort, but I want you to know if I could give you a hug I would.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:28

@toolazytothinkofausername

I have no words of advice or comfort, but I want you to know if I could give you a hug I would.
Now this is the kind of response I need! Thank you 😘
OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 21/04/2021 19:28

I’m sorry. That sounds really hard. It’s always difficult to hear about people’s “oops! Tee hee!” accidental pregnancies when you want it so much. It’s ok to grieve for the family you wanted.

bjjgirl · 21/04/2021 19:28

If it helps my dd11 regularly says she wishes she was an only child (the teenage years are very unreasonable)

You can play with him? Arrange play dates? Cousins?

He will be fine and like most children he will find things to wine and complain about, you are doing a good job.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:29

@givemesteel

Some of the replies on here are awful.

OP if you're not finding this helpful ask for this to be taken down and look on the infertility boards, I found the secondary infertility thread very helpful.

It is completely normal to find it so difficult when people laugh about their 'oops' pregnancies as if it is so easy for everyone.

It is normal to grieve for something you thought you like would have, if counselling doesn't feel right maybe look to see if there are any books on the subject?

I think another thing that would help is deciding when you're 'done' with actively trying, as that gives you a sense of control back.

I think it's useful to keep this thread here so people can see how hard it can be for others to conceive! My situation has made me feel like I literally don't know how anyone gets pregnant. People having sex and then having babies is an alien concept to me.
OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 21/04/2021 19:30

@greendress789 it sounds heartbreaking I feel for you, have you considered in the future fostering or adoption? Blood doesn’t always equal family Flowers

Thefaceofboe · 21/04/2021 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:31

@bjjgirl

If it helps my dd11 regularly says she wishes she was an only child (the teenage years are very unreasonable)

You can play with him? Arrange play dates? Cousins?

He will be fine and like most children he will find things to wine and complain about, you are doing a good job.

We do all these. Lots of playing with him, lots of meet ups in the park with others/cousins. My home is open to any child who wants to play here.
OP posts:
IhateBoswell · 21/04/2021 19:32

Aww OP I sympathise. I had my second after 10 years of trying, my siblings seemed to conceive with ease and have 10 between them.

You’re entitled to feel however you like about it Flowers

triceratopsmama · 21/04/2021 19:33

@greendress789 I hear you, I have one ds, he's 5, took us a long time to get pregnant with him. We've been trying for 3 years for another.
It's not helpful to be told to "relax and it might happen" or to be grateful you have one.
I am grateful I have one, I'm sure you are too, but we're also allowed to feel really sad that they might be only children when we didn't want them to.
I really can't offer any advice but I know exactly how you feel. You really have my sympathy and if you want to chat privately feel free to pm me.

serin · 21/04/2021 19:33

aww thats sad OP but my DC used to cry because I wouldnt buy a PS2 or a dog or whatever. Can you invite lots of children round for playdates in the garden and encou7rage him to join lots of clubs once they open?

EdgeOfACoin · 21/04/2021 19:33

I am an only child. Back when I was growing up, hardly anyone else was an only child and almost nobody was an only child with two parents who were still together.

When I was young, I did ask my parents for a sibling and wished I had a playmate. Particularly when I was 4-7ish.

However... as I got older, I began to realise that having siblings wasn't all it was cracked up to be. By the time I was 12, I was perfectly happy being an only child.

I have a good relationship with my parents. I got to go on better holidays than any of my friends. I had more opportunities. There are downsides to being an only child but it's not all bad! There are definitely positives!

Your child will outgrow his desire for a sibling. I did.

DramaAlpaca · 21/04/2021 19:33

I'm sorry, OP. That must be so hard Flowers

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 19:33

[quote Joinedjustforthispost]@greendress789 it sounds heartbreaking I feel for you, have you considered in the future fostering or adoption? Blood doesn’t always equal family Flowers[/quote]
I agree and yes I have. In fact my last cycle I used an egg donor.

OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 21/04/2021 19:34

Also, in relation to your DS crying for a sibling, lockdown has been really tough for some only children. Luckily DD was too little for it to register with her really, but for slightly older children who were used to spending a lot of time with friends, schoolmates and cousins losing that all of a sudden must have been so difficult. I don’t think many families with multiple children really appreciated just what that was like.

serin · 21/04/2021 19:34

oops sorry x posted.

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