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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
greendress789 · 22/04/2021 09:37

[quote Planningobjection]@Christmasfairy2020 I’m not sure fostering a child his age with likely behavioural problems due to possible years of abuse is the answer here.

OP you’ve handled this thread brilliantly. I think you’re awesome, you’ve been through so much and you’re entitled to feel how you feel as is your son. I think as some others have said it’s learning to live with what you’ve been dealt sometimes. Not easy when your grieving for the family you wanted but hopefully you’ll get there. I hope you have some good support around you.[/quote]
Thank you. I have a wonderful husband but he is in pain too so it's hard to talk to him about it. The worst thing is seeing him cry. I can handle my own pain but seeing my lovely DH cry when our first IVF failed was the worse thing ever.

I have friends around me who don't understand why I'm doing this to myself! And a good sister who is v supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
greendress789 · 22/04/2021 09:40

@Yogatomorrow

I know the pain too...
I'm sorry ❤️
OP posts:
anxietyaunt · 22/04/2021 09:48

Sorry, I haven’t read the full thread but I feel the same, OP. And my son would dearly love a sibling too. There are some really unhelpful posts on this thread which is a pity. I feel incredibly blessed to have my son. I feel incredibly sad for those women who have always wanted kids and just can get pregnant at all. But I still feel incredibly sad for my son and for me that I won’t have anymore kids. And it’s a sadness I think will stay with me forever. Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to grieve what you feel you are missing. Flowers

anxietyaunt · 22/04/2021 09:49

*can’t get pregnant

fairycakes1234 · 22/04/2021 09:53

@Phoebesgift

Be grateful you have one child. Some people can't have any children. Are you projecting your unhappiness on to your child? It's unusual that they would be crying over not having a sibling.
How do you know if the child is crying or not?? When i had my first son he was on his own until he was 6 and yes he also cried a few times asking for a sibling. If you are not in that situation how the hell would you know. Be nice. OP I can understand your sadness, when i thought my son was going to be an only child I was upset too and same as you often looked at others and compared. That's human nature and all the will in the world doesn't help when you hear that you are lucky compared to others, or that your child will have lots of friends and it wont bother him, you are not alone in feeling that way xx
MissSmiley · 22/04/2021 10:00

I completely sympathise, it's a painful grief, it changes you forever, even if you have success
I had a miscarriage from my second IVF, after that we were considered secondary infertility, that was hard in itself. I went through 3 x IUI, 9 x ivf, successful on number 5, 7 and 9 then I conceived naturally after 12 years of trying
My heart goes out to you, it's incredibly painful

GrimDamnFanjo · 22/04/2021 10:03

I'm glad so many posters have been supportive.
It's easy to dismiss your experience when you haven't been through it yourself.
I had secondary infertility and managed to eventually conceive a sibling with an 8 year gap with two losses in between.
I well remember women with several children telling me I should be grateful for my singleton, missing the point completely.
Some great recommendations for support on the thread.
I wish you all the best.

BooksMusicSnacks · 22/04/2021 10:10

I'm so sorry for your losses - and some of the crappy replies you have had on here too. The same thing is happening to my best friend and the thing she really struggles with at the moment is the unknown. It's unexplained infertility and the consultant seems to think no reason it shouldn't happen and it's a numbers game. 5 round, all failed or early miscarriages, all heartbreak. I think if the consultant told her it wasn't going to happen, she could make her peace with it, grieve, and accept her family of 1 child. Instead of all the uncertainty and how many more times to try and it just taking over her life. So I really do feel for you, you sound like a great Mum.

My family doesn't look like I thought it would either and there's absolutely nothing wrong in grieving that. Wishing you and your family very well x

AllDoneIn · 22/04/2021 10:20

OP for what it's worth the crying for a sibling thing is very normal but short-lived and tends to peak around age 4-5. My niece is an only and went through exactly this. By the time she was 7 she gleefully admitted that she loved being an only because she was old enough to see how many of her friends didn't like having siblings and the lack of time / space. At 12 she is lovely, outgoing and very well-balanced.

gabsdot45 · 22/04/2021 10:43

I sympathise with you. Youre so blessed to have one child but the feelings of loss and grief about the other children you want are real. It's not easy to turn that off.
I don't really have any advice but I feel for you.

Phoebesgift · 22/04/2021 10:49

OP please don't ruin your experiences with the child you do have mourning the one you don't.

It's crap but life isn't fair.

pizzayumyum · 22/04/2021 10:58

Just to say I understand and you are dealing with the dick-ish comments very well.

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 11:05

@greendress789 it’s hard for anyone but you and your DH to understand what you’re going through. I know you’ve had some counselling but it may be worth having more as a couple to talk through this. Such a heartbreaking situation.

TownTalkJewels · 22/04/2021 11:13

I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain, OP.

However, please don’t forget that not every child is better off with a sibling. There are no guarantees that they will get on in childhood or adulthood. I have a sibling and can say 100% that my life would have been better as an only child. He was abusive to me my whole childhood.

For that reason (as well as others), it bothers me when people say things like ‘conceive a sibling.’ A second child is their own person and not simply an addendum to the first.

Mousetown · 22/04/2021 12:23

someone i know has no children and I also have one due to long term infertility .Now be blessed that you have 1 with no real issues

The word blessed can get fucked along with #bekind.

vapourtrail · 22/04/2021 13:01

Do the "be blessed" people also say this to homeless people? "Be blessed you don't live in a war zone" type thing?

Of course there is always (unfortunately) people worse off, and we are all "blessed" in different ways, but that doesn't mean we can't be sad when our lives don't turn out as we planned.

FuckingFabulous · 22/04/2021 13:17

Firstly, I almost completely filled my Bastard Bingo card just from reading these comments. Shame on several of you.

Secondly, OP, it is perfectly valid for you to feel envious. They have something you've been struggling to get for almost five years and your child's sadness that they do not have the sibling you long for will only compound your own. Of course you feel envious. Of course you feel sad. It is natural. You are allowed those feelings.

Eachpeachpears · 22/04/2021 13:30

Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no words of wisdom. However I want to tell you that reading this has made me incredibly greatful for my situation. I do have 2 dc who are close in age. I'm not saying this to 'rub it in' but you have made me take a step back and appreciate them, just as thread about people loosing lived ones makes me step back and appreciate mine.

I hope you can find some internal peace at some stage, when you are ready. And when you look back, I hope you can see the positives in your situation when you are ready

Redjumper1 · 22/04/2021 13:32

@Mousetown

someone i know has no children and I also have one due to long term infertility .Now be blessed that you have 1 with no real issues

The word blessed can get fucked along with #bekind.

I think when people say try be grateful for what you have they are not coming from a bad place. It's not healthy to focus too heavily on something bad in one's life when there is lots good. Posters who point this out seemed to be jumped on but it's just their perspective. They are not attacking the poster and the reaction is not, in my view, unwarranted.
altrajuce93 · 22/04/2021 13:33

Some of these replies are brutal.
Your feelings are totally valid, just because you have been blessed with one child doesn't mean you cant grieve for not being able to have another, I am in this situation currently, all of my DD's cousins have all gotten siblings this past year, she too cries for a sibling, which makes each failed month so much harder. Sending you a huge hug OP x

Wednesdayalltheway · 22/04/2021 13:35

Very sorry you're going through this OP.it must be awful seeing mums with multiple kids everywhere when you want it so badly. I don't want any more children but I still feel very sad my child won't ever have that, and we had an awful conversation once prompted by her about her being "alone " in the future which just made me cry and cry afterwards, so to have all that pain and your own grief must be terrible. Counseling can help us accept how things truly are, and help you let go of the future you are grieving and embrace your present and your little one.

Original poster
greendress789 · 22/04/2021 13:50

I am blessed. I have the world's most wonderful child! A great husband. Food in my belly and a roof over my head. Good friends. And a million reasons to be happy!

I appreciate those things as well as having to live the despair of my situation.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 22/04/2021 14:01

Secondary infertility is a hard road, people don't understand it, unless they have walked it.

Some of the advice on here just shows the ignorance, the same well meaning ignorance that stopped mums from holding their still-born babies in the past.

You need to decide on your future, do you want to keep trying, where is your line when you say no more?

Only once you have truly crossed that line can you consider adoption or foster.

I know where my line in the sand was, DH knew where it was, and he'd ruled out adoption. You both need to be on board with it and he said No.

19thNamechange · 22/04/2021 14:15

Greendress789 I understand the pain you are feeling. I hope you get to have another baby, but if you don't I just want to give you hope that you will be able to accept your situation one day. I still have moments of grieving a second child, but most of the time now I can just get on and enjoy my life. My circumstances are different to yours in that I didn't have my child until I was 40, then experienced 2 traumatic losses during pregnancy. I suffered with hyperemesis with all 3 pregnancies and I just could not face going through the sickness again. Then I realised too late that I would give anything for my child to have a sibling, and that I really should have tried again. Not only would my DC have had a sibling, but it would have eased the pain of my losses. I sometimes feel like a weak person for not going through the sickness again to have another but I just could not face it at the time. I sincerely hope your pain eases soon, one way or another. Sending you my best wishes Flowers

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 22/04/2021 14:16

I have one DC who is IVF and will be an only.

I sometimes feel sad that I can't provide him a sibling but then I think of the extra stress, money, childcare etc.

You (and your son) seem to have an idealistic life of what having 2 kids will be like.

If you fell pregnant now, there will be what, a 4/5 year age gap? Your son wont want to play with a baby and will want to be on a computer.

There is a 5 year age gap between my nephews and they have completely different interests.

I agree with other posters, it's not normal for a kid to cry as they have no one to play with.
Have play dates, the groups should be opening back up soon.

Enjoy the one you have.

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