I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

I hear you, OP. I wanted more than one but it wasn't meant to be. DD has lots of friends but creates elaborate fantasies about having a sibling and I look at friends and neighbours with 2 or 3 children with longing and admiration!

I try and remind myself that there are positives and negatives - that we can give DD much more of our time, we have more money, that although onlies can cry for a sibling, children with siblings can yearn to be an only! I am hugely grateful for DD and adore her but part of me will always feel like there is something missing.

I felt exactly the same when I had one and secondary infertility. I used to be so jealous of the other mums with their 2 plus children, each year that passed it felt like I was more alone with it as one by one the other mums of only children in DDs class became pregnant with their second.

By the time DD was 6 we had long given up, I'd turned 40, and we just assumed it would never happen. It then did and whilst it was a bit of a shock to the system and we'd got used to the advantages of only having one by that point, now I have a 3 and a 10 year old and they have a really great relationship with lots of playing. So what I'm saying is I completely understand how you are feeling, and whether or not you do eventually have a second child, those feelings will get lessen as your DS grows as there are definitely advantages to only having one (not that I'd wish the second away). And if you do have a second (and third) then a large age gap is nothing to worry about.

After having fertility struggles myself I just feel blessed to have one. I couldn’t become upset over not having a second because I count my blessings every day that I got her! I would work in strengthening your DS’s friendships, lots of play dates and time spent playing and doing fun activities with mum and dad and he’ll get over the sibling thing.

@Mickey1234 Tell me, how would relaxing help my DSis get pregnant when both her Fallopian tubes are blocked and IVF has failed twice and she can’t afford any more? Would the magical power of relaxing somehow unblocked her tubes?

What a fucking awful thing to say someone who’s spent countless hours going through painful procedures only for it to fail.

This thread could be featured in a “what not to say to someone who’s struggling with infertility” seminar.

Sorry you’re struggling. I haven’t had fertility problems but DC2 has autism and additional needs, it has a big effect on our daily lives and can be absolutely exhausting. I sometimes struggle and feel a lot of sadness when I see families with no SEN or disabilities and get to experience the day-to-day life, trips out, holidays etc that I’d envisioned our family life would be like. So I kind of get the struggle coming to terms with things being different to what you wanted, and finding it painful to see other families like that.

I am very sorry for your situation. There are so many positives to having one DC and you never know, I understand it is very patronising to hear relax etc but it has happened that way for some women.
My friends 2nd was conceived naturally after 7 years and countless IVF treatments, her first was born through IVF 7 years earlier.

Genuinely shocked by the amount of nastiness on here, some people really do get a kick from hurting others.

OP do you think you may need professional help to deal with how you are feeling?

I feel for you OP. To all the posters claiming she's 'projecting' onto her DC - there's a large age gap between me and my sister and I distinctly remember crying for a sibling so it is a very real thing!

The first few replies are like an article on what NOT to say to a woman with fertility issues.

• Just relax and it might happen
• Be grateful you have one!

Unbelievable.

Sorry you've had to justify yourself OP, you probably feel worse now.

I’ve been where you are op and it is monumentally shit. People are twats for telling you you should be grateful for having one. You want more and are understandably sad it hasn’t happened. You are allowed to grieve.

Oh and I give you my blessing if you punch the next person to tell you to relax. That can get tae to fuck

Op I’m so sorry Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the children you didn’t have. Your feeling are valid.

I’m sorry your little boy is lonely for a sibling too, at the age of seven of course he is at an age to be aware of what other families look like.

Ignore the ‘be grateful for the child you have’ posts, of course you are grateful for him, but what you wanted for him, for your family is not happening, of course that hurts.

When DD2 died the number of people helpfully telling me to “be grateful for the other children” was unreal and incredibly hurtful. I felt phenomenally lucky to have them, but I missed my baby girl to the point I physically couldn’t eat. I could also see the most precious people in my life grieving too and I was powerless to help them. In many ways your situation is similar. Sending you a big hug.

Perhaps I should've listed out my history so people could understand it's not just a case of relaxing! Let me think now:

IVF 2016 - failed fresh cycle
IVF 2017 - failed frozen transfer
IVF 2018 - miscarriage then a failed frozen transfer a month later
IVF 2019 - nothing suitable for transfer
IVF 2019 cycle 2 - failed fresh cycle
IVF 2020 - cancelled due to pandemic
IVF 2020 cycle 2 - failed cycle using donor egg

We've also been to a male fertility specialist to the tune of £1,000 to assess my husband. Acupuncture treatment £40 a week. Immune testing around £4K.

In between all that we have tried naturally but as you can probably imagine our sex life has gone to shit with everything we have been through!

So you can see why I think 'just relaxing' isn't going to work for me!

I'm sorry that sounds awful. It's so infuriating seeing things like mums who got pregnant first try or accidentally got pregnant when you are trying so hard to, I really feel your pain. There are a lot of positive things about being an only child. They are actually generally more successful than individuals with siblings. He gets all of your time and resources too. When he is older you may be able to help him out financially with things like a flat deposit which would have been impossible had your resources been spread over the raising of 3 children.

Secondary infertility is just as horrible as infertility the first time , but possibly even more lonely because everyone assumes because there is a visible child there you must be fine and you’re just ungrateful to feel otherwise. It’s ok to feel jealous, because it’s not fair. I had the reverse of secondary infertility, I struggled to conceive my first and then when we decided to try for number two it happened the first cycle we tried. It was a big shock, but I was so prepared for it to be a long battle and every bit as painful as the first time. It’s natural to want more than one child, it’s natural to want to give your children siblings and if you’re facing difficulties it’s perfectly ok to be upset and jealous that it comes so easily to others. Don’t be hard on yourself and give yourself permission to feel how you feel. You will eventually come to terms with having just one, and it IS possible to enjoy having one and be grateful AND be sad about the children you didn’t have. Are you getting any counselling atm? I had it when I was struggling to conceive my first and back then had NO idea I’d end up with two, and was having to face the real possibility that it wasn’t going to happen. Counselling for infertility really helped me feel so much better. I did conceive soon after getting it. I’m not turning this into a “I relaxed and it happened” variant, because that’s not how it was, but it really did put me in a new mindset of heading towards being at peace with life maybe not being how I pictured it, and made facing the reality of the situation much more bearable

I'm in a similar boat. Many failed rounds of ivf and a dc who would love a sibling. She has lots of imaginary babies and that breaks my heart. I have two friends with accidental third babies recently. I am intensely jealous.

There are secondary infertility threads in the infertility section, you'd probably be better off there. Some people on here are clueless. "Relax". Fuck off!

@ChristmasArmadillo

This thread could be featured in a “what not to say to someone who’s struggling with infertility” seminar.

Definitely! I am genuinely shocked at the responses

@seven201

I'm in a similar boat. Many failed rounds of ivf and a dc who would love a sibling. She has lots of imaginary babies and that breaks my heart. I have two friends with accidental third babies recently. I am intensely jealous.

There are secondary infertility threads in the infertility section, you'd probably be better off there. Some people on here are clueless. "Relax". Fuck off!

Hey @seven201 we have spoken on the infertility boards. Hope we both get what we want soon! 😘

My DD is also only child. Now 10. She was ivf. She mentions a sibling now, but didn't when she was younger. I think she is truthful when she tells me she wished she had someone to play with. But since she was about 8, I told her how she was conceived in a special way, at a hospital because I found it hard to get pregnant, and how I cried and cried with happiness to find out I was having her. She knows it would be hard for me to get pregnant again, and that I'd like to but we all know how blessed we are to be the three of us. What can I also add, is we make a huge effort with the friends shes made at school and their parents. Lots of lunches in the weeknds and playdates in the holidays. This way, when she is on her own, she relishes the peacefulness and calmness. No expert here, but hopefully helpful advice. X

I know how you feel. We conceived naturally, lost the baby in a MMC then couldn't conceive again. We waited years and ended up going for icsi. We were lucky...first try resulted in our little boy. But I will NEVER forget those 2 and a half years of thinking I'd never be a mum. I have a close friendship circle ...3 of us. All with fertility issues. 2 of us have our children through icsi, the third has had two failed attempts and too heartbroken to go for the third. I feel incredibly grateful for my little boy and try to focus on all the positives instead of having an only child... More time for him, more money, more relaxation for me and dad, the fact I still got to be a mum.

I know it is difficult, I've been there but please try to not let the need for a second cast a shadow over the time with the one you have now.

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling.

I have 1 son conceived easily but did IVF for a second child, and I was extremely lucky that it was successful.

The pain of bringing my son to the playpark and seeing siblings playing together, and my friend sending me pics of her 2 boys.

It's awful, and no amount of "relaxing" will help!

I’m jealous of those with one child. That’s life.

Just wanted to agree with others who have said that you are well within your rights to feel how you do. Some people really struggle with empathy.

It’s also normal for a child to cry for a sibling - my niece did. Her parents didn’t want a second so there was definitely no projecting.

Imagine looking for sympathy and finding the comments on here. I’m so sorry that others have been so insensitive.

Infertility sucks ass!! It's ok to feel jealous. It's ok to be hurt. I've been there and anyone who's gone through the shit that is infertility knows how you feel.

What I will say though is what helped me most was acceptance. Before I got my longed for BFP I'd started to accept the childless life. I'd started making plans and setting goals for that life plan.

When we started trying for number 2, I started out by making a life plan that was just one child. I was lucky in that I'd really wanted a boy called James and I had a boy called James. I could plan my one child life because I had the child I wanted and any sibling was a bonus (before anyone says it, number 2 is a wonderful child who I adore with all my heart)

Feel what you feel, acknowledge the pain, but start working on letting that pain go and moving forward.