I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

Someone said earlier that infertility changes you forever and that is so right. It took 18 months to get pg the first time and then I had a mmc. I became pg a year later and miscarried again. A chemical pg with ivf and finally started an icsi cycle and had zero fertilizations. At that point, we decided to pursue adoption and couple of years after that brought home our son. That was nearly 13 years ago.

Despite us being a happy family unit, our life is not what I thought it would be. After all these years I still cry at anger and sadness that my body seemed incapable of doing what most women do with ease, meeting newborns is bittersweet and our sex life never recovered from that period of time. Not being able to have a birth child has shaped my life and how I view myself. When you feel like your body is failing you, it's heartbreaking.

Our adopted son also used to cry for a sibling when he was younger, so I hear you greendress I'm sorry you are having a bad week and yes, you are allowed to feel bloody miserable. Some of the comments above are just so lacking in sensitivity I don't know where to start.

You’re totally entitled to your feelings OP and I do understand as I’ve been through the same, although DD didn’t ever wish for siblings and DH was always more accepting than I was so that probably made it easier.

It wasn’t until we’d actually stopped trying (we called it a day 3 years after having DD) that I started moving on emotionally and healing. I was given some very good advice by a friend in a similar position which was that even though it hurt 24/7 to begin with, bit by tiny bit it would get better. Essentially grieving for the family we wouldn’t have. I was determined though that I wouldn’t waste my DD’s precious childhood with never ending treatment or regrets.

DD is now 12 and is very happy as a singleton, I don’t feel envious of anyone as I’ve got used to our family life and don’t know any different as a mother.

You will all heal and this life stage will pass, I’m sure there will always be moments of sadness over the years as new life stages happen (grandchildren etc) but hopefully it will be moments only.

@FrankSpencersBeret
I am sure you are the most amazing mummy to your ds. I have a birth child and an adopted child, I can honestly say that there is no difference in the amount of joy they bring to my life. I used to get so jealous and friends would be almost apologetic when they’d tell me their amazing news about being pregnant, when they gave birth to their little ones, I’d be so happy for them but I was so so sad inside. It took me a long time to be able to make my peace with only having one birth child. Now I see it in a different way and that if I had not had the issues I have, I wouldn’t have had dd come into our life and I truly think she was meant for us. Being a parent is so much more than being pregnant and giving birth, as we all know! So please don’t feel that you are anything other than amazing. I am so happy that you found your ds and he you.
I am also so sorry that you have had the most awful time. But please don’t blame yourself. I wish you all the best xx

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone when I mentioned a pet I was just trying to be helpful but clearly mis judged. Sorry

MummyJ12
Thank you for your words. The really strange thing is that I've actually always been happy with one child and our adopted son completes us. Our son is a typical tween, full of joy and angst in equal measures and we are happy.

It's just the feelings towards myself that occasionally rear their ugly head and reading some of the insensitive comments on here about how the OP should relax/get a pet/adopt brought back some of the feelings that some people really have no idea of the emotional toll that infertility takes.

But then again, reading some of the other posts, you realise there are people who 'get it' too.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

This just needs to die. To be taken out and put to death in front of everyone.

As if anyone struggling with infertility is happy until they see someone with more children than them, whether that’s one, two or whatever. It’s not the comparison that makes you sad. It just reminds you that you are already sad.

@greendress789

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

I can completely understand this and I'm so sorry I have been blessed with another little one but after our ds (5.5) we had a tfmr with our second son and I didn't think we would be able to have another. Sorry so many have been so unsupportive op.

@Liquoricecreamrock

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone when I mentioned a pet I was just trying to be helpful but clearly mis judged. Sorry

Thank-you.It is good to know sometimes people do listen on mumsnet.

People have awareness on what to and not to say around M/C but so many people have no clue on what to say or not to say on infertility.

We grow up, thanks to sex education which is aimed at preventing unwanted teenage pregnancy, thinking we put our order in for a baby, and a baby will appear in nine months.
We all start off relaxed, yes the time is rights, get all excited about the next chapter, the hope the dreams of what family life will bring, the stress comes later when it doesn't happen.
Then people start learning about cycles, fertility windows, opks keep hoping, then looking at £££ fertility treatments. Maybe its a loan to fund the IVF. The hope, the dashed hopes, clinging on as long as possible.

Feel for you op. Not easy.

@Liquoricecreamrock

Fair play to you, someone who has the spine to come back and say I got it wrong, loads of respect to you

@greendress789
I was worried when you posted on here rather than the infertility thread that the thoughtless comments would kick you whilst you were already down and I hope you are okay.

Your wider thread has been really interesting and I hope it’s challenged at least one person not to say ‘just relax, my friend of a friend went to Mallorca and got pregnant when she stopped trying (as if a bit of chill out time can alter the genetic condition that impacts my DH’s sperm or achieve what eight rounds and 40 k of ivf couldn’t). There’s also the joyous insinuation that our own stress is somehow stopping us getting or remaining pregnant and a bit more stoicism would achieve results! Sometimes this is combined with some heartfelt quackery! My favourite was ‘ why don’t you try sound therapy. It helped my daughter when she got stressed with her GCSEs.’

My next favourite is ‘why don’t you just adopt - lots of children need parents!’ Yes because years of infertility and pregnancy loss and potential debt automatically qualify a person to parent a three year old who has experienced potential neglect and trauma! I may adopt but the way its touted by some as a logical cure for anyone going through infertility is not okay!

Ignore anyone who says you should ‘just enjoy what you have’ when it’s an actual second child you and your family are missing OP. They are probably the same people who then go on to stress on threads about inconsequential things like their own children potentially not passing the eleven plus or their friend choosing the same baby name! Hugs!

@Liquoricecreamrock

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone when I mentioned a pet I was just trying to be helpful but clearly mis judged. Sorry

Thank you!

I was guilty of these sorts of comments before I started my TTC journey. Asking people if they wanted more than one child, asking when they were going to have a baby once they'd got married etc etc. Not realised how hurtful these comments could be to someone.

[quote GreyGoose1980]@greendress789
I was worried when you posted on here rather than the infertility thread that the thoughtless comments would kick you whilst you were already down and I hope you are okay.

Your wider thread has been really interesting and I hope it’s challenged at least one person not to say ‘just relax, my friend of a friend went to Mallorca and got pregnant when she stopped trying (as if a bit of chill out time can alter the genetic condition that impacts my DH’s sperm or achieve what eight rounds and 40 k of ivf couldn’t). There’s also the joyous insinuation that our own stress is somehow stopping us getting or remaining pregnant and a bit more stoicism would achieve results! Sometimes this is combined with some heartfelt quackery! My favourite was ‘ why don’t you try sound therapy. It helped my daughter when she got stressed with her GCSEs.’

My next favourite is ‘why don’t you just adopt - lots of children need parents!’ Yes because years of infertility and pregnancy loss and potential debt automatically qualify a person to parent a three year old who has experienced potential neglect and trauma! I may adopt but the way its touted by some as a logical cure for anyone going through infertility is not okay!

Ignore anyone who says you should ‘just enjoy what you have’ when it’s an actual second child you and your family are missing OP. They are probably the same people who then go on to stress on threads about inconsequential things like their own children potentially not passing the eleven plus or their friend choosing the same baby name! Hugs![/quote]
Hi Grey good to see you here! Hoping this thread helps for 'normal' (ie fertile 😂) people to see what some people have to go through to have children.

@Stroopwaffle5000

I know two children who cry for a sibling, it's not abnormal at all.

yes same, i agree

My next favourite is ‘why don’t you just adopt - lots of children need parents!’ Yes because years of infertility and pregnancy loss and potential debt automatically qualify a person to parent a three year old who has experienced potential neglect and trauma! I may adopt but the way its touted by some as a logical cure for anyone going through infertility is not okay!
No it’s not okay @GreyGoose1980. This is why approval is so rigorous. You can’t just decide that you’re going to adopt. They absolutely make sure that you have able, mentally and emotionally to have a little one join you via adoption. This means moving on from previous disappointments and issues. It’s not for everyone. Not many people are able to reach approval panel stage because they are not able to offer what is needed. It can’t be taken lightly.
However, adopting absolutely helped me. She healed me as much as I healed her.....please don’t make it out to be a second best option. It’s not.

@MummyJ12
I’m sorry if you took my post to imply adoption is a second best option, which wasn’t what I said. I said it is not the solution for ALL infertile people. It is a complex process in its own right (regardless of the adopters fertility) and often the first option for some people, but not a blanket solution for all people going through infertility. Not everyone is suitable to adopt.

Thanks @GreyGoose1980.
I read your post to be “how very dare anyone propose such a thing”. “Why would anyone want to adopt a damaged three year old just because they have fertility issues” Rightly or wrongly this is what I took from it.
A couple of us on here have only empathised with the OP and shared openly our experiences (which is hard for me, but I really wanted to send a message of support) I was a little hurt and offended by your post I have to be honest. Even reading it back again this morning.
Ironically, part of your post read that you were worried about thoughtless comments on this thread. I felt that this part of your post was pretty thoughtless and insensitive. I am sure you didn’t mean it to be. But I have to let you know I it made me feel.

Oh op This post really spoke to me. I was you. We had dc1 fairly easily (which in hindsight was a huge blessing) then I had an early mc when we started ttc and after that absolutely nothing for years. We had tests which showed I had blocked Fallopian tubes so very little chance of conceiving naturally. We opted against IVF and just made or team of the 3 the best it could be: days out, holidays etc. We really were very happy but I took me a long time to get to that place.
The flip side of this story is that I fell pregnant when dc1 was 8 and now have 2 wonderful children. Much like you though I would have ideally liked a large family abs we’ve continued to ttc since dc2 was born. I try not to allow it consume me now but it’s hard (& don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!)
I’ve had counselling due to a recent mc but it really helped me process the difficulties we’ve faced over the years. I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I see people with large families especially if they don’t (IMO) appreciate what they have.
Take care

@MummyJ12

*My next favourite is ‘why don’t you just adopt - lots of children need parents!’ Yes because years of infertility and pregnancy loss and potential debt automatically qualify a person to parent a three year old who has experienced potential neglect and trauma! I may adopt but the way its touted by some as a logical cure for anyone going through infertility is not okay!* No it’s not okay *@GreyGoose1980*. This is why approval is so rigorous. You can’t just decide that you’re going to adopt. They absolutely make sure that you have able, mentally and emotionally to have a little one join you via adoption. This means moving on from previous disappointments and issues. It’s not for everyone. Not many people are able to reach approval panel stage because they are not able to offer what is needed. It can’t be taken lightly. However, adopting absolutely helped me. She healed me as much as I healed her.....please don’t make it out to be a second best option. It’s not.

I do agree adoption is not a second best nor an easy option. It is actually quite difficult to be an adoptive parent and neither is it simple for the child. When it works out of course, it's marvellous. I'm glad it has been successful for you.

@Maggiesfarm Thank you

Your feelings are valid OP and you are allowed to be angry at the universe for this. People constantly give out shitty advice to infertile couples, don't listen to them!

My favourite piece of advice was always "relax it will happen"...actually no it can't for me it's impossible without IVF. Or "why don't you adopt"...

On a positive note, try to focus on the present, live in the moment with your little one and enjoy those precious moments