I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

@Sparrowfeeder

I’m jealous of those with one child. That’s life.

Then please feel free to start your own thread expressing your feelings so we can support you instead of coming on to my thread with your flippant tone and sounding like a knob.

@micky1234 do you think relaxing will help my fallopian tubes grow back?

What are the best ways to relax for this

@MrsDThaskala

My DD is also only child. Now 10. She was ivf. She mentions a sibling now, but didn't when she was younger. I think she is truthful when she tells me she wished she had someone to play with. But since she was about 8, I told her how she was conceived in a special way, at a hospital because I found it hard to get pregnant, and how I cried and cried with happiness to find out I was having her. She knows it would be hard for me to get pregnant again, and that I'd like to but we all know how blessed we are to be the three of us. What can I also add, is we make a huge effort with the friends shes made at school and their parents. Lots of lunches in the weeknds and playdates in the holidays. This way, when she is on her own, she relishes the peacefulness and calmness. No expert here, but hopefully helpful advice. X

This is lovely. Thank you 💐

@elizabethdraper l also wait in anticipation for @Mickey1234 to confirm relaxing will help my knackered eggs and my fiancé’s DNA fragmented sperm

@greendress789

For those saying the age gap would be too big, I know! I started trying for number 2 when he was 2 years old 😢

OP I totally understand. I was in exactly the same boat. Had DS via ICSI for MF infertility and started trying for a sibling when he was 2.

Many attempts for a sibling with 4 miscarriages, 4 failed cycles. DS used to sob “please have a baby so I can be a brother’. It was heartbreaking. There are some awful posts on here, as if we would project our wants and put the idea into our child’s head
Relax and it will happen could have just saved myself ££££ if I asked on here first.

I totally understand the feelings of jealousy when other women are lucky enough to have more children, it’s really tough.

@Sparrowfeeder

I’m jealous of those with one child. That’s life.

Hope however many you do have don’t grow up to be this unkind.

I'm sorry that you have had some horruble replies. Some posters seem to have had an empathy bypass. It took me 17 years to conceive DD, and I never managed to get pregnant again after she was born. You have my sympathy

DD used to get lonely at weekends, especially on a Sunday when all her schoolfriends were with their extended families and siblings, and she had no-one else other than us (we live nowhere near our families).

Now she is older she says she likes being an only child, but really, that is all she knows.

@Corncorncorn

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult not to be able to conceive another child. I hear you. Your feelings are valid.

This.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. And it sucks for EVERYONE who's struggling to have a child, be it their 1st or even 10th child.

I hope you get to have another one, OP.

Also @Mickey1234 that is literally the most useless and patronising advice. I hope it made you feel better about yourself, well done. Now go away.

I have a nine year old only child. On the two occasions she has half heartedly mentioned wanting a sibling I've pointed out to her that lots of siblings argue and never get on at all, you always have to share things, you aren't the centre of your parent's attention, you have to wait your turn etc.. which have always changed her mind straight away.

How do you react when he says it?

I'm so sorry. I feel for you.
Have you the resources to keep trying? A friend of mine tried for years and years and threw so much money at IVF. She had one last attempt at 40 and hit the jackpot! Little girl born at 28 weeks! Keep going! x

@Happycat1212

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!

Good grief 🤦‍♀️

@SimonJT

Genuinely shocked by the amount of nastiness on here, some people really do get a kick from hurting others.

OP do you think you may need professional help to deal with how you are feeling?

Hi @SimonJT I have had counselling. I had fertility counselling when I was TTC my son. BTW I have been reading the adoption thread that you've posted on as I am strongly considering it but I haven't yet given up on the idea of carrying another child.

@Happycat1212

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!

That's really helpful...

Totally unhelpful comments in the first few responses. Clearly don't understand the heartache of not being able to have the family/family size you wish

@Mickey1234 frankly I dare you to go to the infertility board and say "just relax" you'd get rightfully hammered! It's thoughtless nonsense "just relax" doesn't cure endo, pcos, blocked tubes, poor egg quality, poor sperm quality, or any number of other pretty common fertility issues. I highly recommend that without commenting you read on here and elsewhere the experiences of those of us with gynae and fertility issues and perhaps get a better understanding of the grief and heartache it causes.

Op I lost 3 before dd, dd was almost lost and then it turns out I have a rare genetic condition that doesn't become apparent until the first Labour but which means any future pregnancy (even early stages) is potentially fatal to both me and the baby.

This meant dd was my one and only and the large family I dreamed of never happened.

It's deeply painful.

Op I would recommend you report to mnhq and have this thread moved to the infertility or conception board where I feel you will get far more understanding and compassionate responses.

being told “relax” and “be grateful you have one” is textbook crap people say to women with fertility issue

Totally agree

Akin to those of us who've mc being told crap like "well it obviously wasn't meant to be" or "at least you know you can get pregnant"

Shitty things that belong on lists of "what not to say"!

Op are you able to access any therapy? I found therapy through the miscarriage association very helpful at that time and with another therapist after the news about the inability to have more dc.

It doesn't "cure" the situation but can help you come to terms in some way. Time helps too.

I am immensely grateful for dd and I love her to pieces, we have a lovely close relationship. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that I was unable to have any more.

My dd is now 20, when she was little she didn't know I couldn't have more. She knew she was my lucky baby after mcs at an age appropriate point and later that I had a medical reason why i couldn't have more. Before she knew either she would say she wanted a sibling, ask why she didn't have one and I'd deal with it in a way that was suitable for a young child.

She has a disability herself which may impact fertility, pregnancy and birth and I've had to help her come to terms as much as is possible with that. Not easy for an adolescent girl to deal with. Given many adults don't cope with such news.

So sorry you're dealing with this op

Your feelings are absolutely valid. And if you can’t express them on anonymous forum then where? I always wanted a big family but I won’t be having one. My PND was so bad with DS that I could not put him through that now that he’s old enough to notice (he’s 3.5). He is the absolute joy of my life and I just couldn’t. I know this isn’t the same as what you’re going through, sorry, but I know how it feels to wish things were different

What diagnosis has ivf clinic given you? We had unexplained infertility which basically means I couldn’t get pregnant and they couldn’t find a cause.

I had many rounds of IUI and ivf and all failed. I got pregnant naturally! I got pregnant more than once naturally too so not a one off. Obviously might not work for you as I don’t know issue but this is what I did:

Acupunture, reflexology, macca and spirlina powder smoothies everyday, not just during “fertile window”, why not give it a go? I know when your desperately trying the last thing you want to hear is that natural will work. I felt angry when someone said the same to me as I felt why am I wasting thousands on ivf of natural will work. I had no faith it would work but it did. I’ve done this same method for all my pregnancies.

Just saying it isn’t all bad only having one and some might actually envy the op. 🤷‍♀️ And remember siblings don’t always get on and be “best friends” like some people think, they might not want to play together, they might hate each other

You have one child and should be grateful for what you have opposed to what you don't have

Blimey OP I'm sorry for some of the awful responses to your post - really no need for it

YANBU to be sad - it must be hard

@TheWaif

I have a nine year old only child. On the two occasions she has half heartedly mentioned wanting a sibling I've pointed out to her that lots of siblings argue and never get on at all, you always have to share things, you aren't the centre of your parent's attention, you have to wait your turn etc.. which have always changed her mind straight away.

How do you react when he says it?

I change the subject or try and distract him.

I am sorry for what you're going through truly I am however my twin sister cant even have one, she's basically exhausted every avenue and here I am pregnant with an unplanned third.
My nephew from my brother is an only child and a very secure, intelligent little boy, I'm sure there's times he's wanted someone to play with but he's very content being an only child.
Fwiw my 2 are polar opposites and sometimes complain they've got no one to play with as they like completely different things. Just because some people have 2 doesn't mean they'd get along.
I do get that ideally you'd have had more than one but you can't spend your life being jealous.
Im jealous of my friends who stuck to 1 and have more money to spend on holidays and themselves than I do and that was when we July had 2. but it is what it is.

Firstly, you are entitled to feel disappointed OP. Yes you are lucky to have one child, but that doesn't mean you can't be upset at not having the family you imagined .

That being said, your son will be fine! Children often wish for what they don't have (I cried because I wanted to be an only child occasionally and my cousin cried because he got a sister instead of a brother!). He's imagining an idealised version of having a sibling... remind him that a sibling wouldn't necessarily want to play games he likes, point out that he has lovely friends to play with, distract him with a game. Honestly try not to worry about your son and concentrate on working through your own feelings.

It's very upsetting OP, I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Ffs it's like the infertility bingo here! Why do some people have to be such twats?! I cannot imagine many other instances where someone posts for empathic responses and people decide to be arseholes instead. Feel free to scroll on by rather than trying to upset someone people! OP, I get it. I am an only child as my parents had to adopt as they couldn't have their own and I cried for a sibling. I also had secondary infertility after having had my daughter and endured several rounds of IVF. I hope everything works out for you