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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 21/04/2021 18:39

I'd probably move this to the infertility board rather than AIBU

I totally understand how you feel OP - I did 5 rounds of IVF 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics lost both tubes abs spent £35k to give my DD a sibling

Secondary infertility is awful and very painful

sorryforswearing · 21/04/2021 18:39

I feel for you. I was in the same position as you and although it’s now far too late I still feel sad that I only have one. I’m sure you know you are lucky to have a child when others have none but that doesn’t invalidate or lessen your sorrow. Because my child was an only child I made sure he did lots of group activities from him being a toddler. Luckily he is very sociable and now he’s grown up has a wide circle of friends and interests. I think time helps but I still get a pang when I think about it and I try not to dwell on it but it will always be an sadness to me.

firstimemamma · 21/04/2021 18:39

Going against the grain of the other posters here op - I'm sorry you aren't able to have any more children. Must be very hard and I'd feel the same in your position Thanks

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:39

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

OP l went into early menopause after my dd was born and honestly it felt like a bereavement knowing l couldn't give her a sibling. Even now (she is 9), l still have the odd pang when l hear someone is pregnant with baby number 2 or 3 but time has been a great healer and hard as it is, l always try and think of the positives, of which there are many. It is shit when a decision like this taken away from you but you need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.
I'm very sorry to hear this 💐
OP posts:
thehairyhog · 21/04/2021 18:39

@AliasGrape

Some really dickish replies here. I’m sorry for your situation and sorry you’re feeling sad OP.

We had a bit of a journey to get DD though not as difficult as yours, and it’s unlikely there will be a second. It is very painful particularly as it is not what I wanted for DD.

Crying for a sibling is not at all abnormal - I did it (I had much older siblings) because I used to feel a bit lonely. But it doesn’t mean your son will always feel this way.

There’s a Facebook group called ‘my first my last my everything’ - very cheesy title but quite a helpful group. Maybe look it up.

Telling a woman who has struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages to just relax, be grateful and basically shut up and get over it is utterly twattish behaviour.

Couldn't agree more! Some horrible replies! Sorry OP. It's ok to feel sad and jealous.
BigBadBoom · 21/04/2021 18:39

We never mentioned siblings to my daughter, but she mentioned wanting one many times, while I was having recurrent miscarriages (unknown to her), and before I was lucky enough to conceive our son. Kids see other families with more than one child, they have friends at nursery with brothers and sisters, of course it's not down to OP projecting Hmm

No advice I'm afraid OP, but I really feel for you. I hope your luck changes 💐

Woodpecker22 · 21/04/2021 18:40

I have two but they don't play with each other because the oldest has severe autism and is not interested in his younger brother. Just because you have siblings it does not mean they will get on or even interact.

RedPoppy89 · 21/04/2021 18:41

Wow, some of these replies are really insensitive!

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, you are not unreasonable at all. Yes it's lovely to have one child but it's still disappointing if you want more but can't.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 21/04/2021 18:41

It’s so hard and unfair for you. I’m sure your child probably enjoys being an only a lot of the time so you shouldn’t feel so sad on their behalf.

In life sometimes shit happens and we just have to deal with the hand we get dealt. I have a mum with a personality disorder and is abusive, I often wish I had a mum who I could have a lovely relationship with, I get jealous when I see mums and daughters together at weddings etc.

You will find a way to cope and be stronger and more empathetic for it Flowers

Ithinkyoucan · 21/04/2021 18:42

To those saying that crying for a sibling isn't natural and OP must be transferring her feelings to her child. My kids play with the boy next door and he gets very difficult and aggressive to me when I come to collect them and sometimes cries because, 'now I have no-one to play with.'

Its entirely possible OPs son has his own feelings about this. Just like the little boy next door to me.

Babygotblueyes · 21/04/2021 18:42

I have 3 siblings but they are all complete fuck ups and over the years have all drifted away from the family through their criminal and drug fueled behaviour. I am in effect an only child and for my mental health that is probably better. But it would be easier if I was really an only child - I would not have the sadness of having 3 useless siblings who are only interested in themselves.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2021 18:42

My Dd really wanted a sibling to play with for years until her brother (my Ds) was born when she was 5. She now does nothing but complain about him!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2021 18:42

She’s 12 now so she time to get used to him!

EL8888 · 21/04/2021 18:42

@ChristmasArmadillo exactly, the just relax advice is hardly helpful. I’m sure the “why don’t you adopt” crew aren’t far away either...

tigerpooisgreat · 21/04/2021 18:43

Jesus some of these replies are brutal.

It's ok to feel sad about it op. Thanks I can only imagine how shit and all consuming it can be at times.

Treaclepie19 · 21/04/2021 18:43

I'm sorry Flowers
My son constantly wanted a sibling to play with and now we have a baby and she just gets in his way and winds him up 🙈
But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel how you feel. Just maybe it helps to know it's not always what they imagine it will be.

Floweree · 21/04/2021 18:43

I feel you OP. I had to have a hysterectomy following the birth of my DS following birth related complications. It took a long time and some professional counselling to come to terms with the trauma and the fact the choice of more was out of our hands. Try not to feel bad about him asking for a sibling though, I am no contact with my sibling and they made my life hell, hah.

InsanelyPregnantAndSore · 21/04/2021 18:44

Oh god I cringed SOOOO hard reading @Mickey1234 comments Hmm I’m lucky enough to never have suffered with fertility/losses but my lord even I know that saying shit like that is monumentally insensitive, unhelpful and a bit stupid Angry

Actual infertility requiring endless IVF isn’t the same as ‘it took us a year or two but I relaxed and it just happened’ it’s like telling someone with cancer to ‘keep hydrated’ Hmm fair enough maybe being hydrated will help them feel better but Jesus it’s not going to cure the cancer is it?

OP I’m sorry for your situation Flowers I don’t understand at all how it feels but all I can say is try not to resent others, I guess that must be really hard but there will always be people in life who just seem to get easily the things you desperately want. I promise you at his age your DS is imagining ‘playing with’ a sibling of a similar age to him. He would actually be very underwhelmed by a newborn.

I was him, at 6 I begged and begged my parents for a sibling (took them over a year to conceive my sibling) when the baby arrived I was very Hmm....’so when does it start doing stuff?’

Treaclepie19 · 21/04/2021 18:44

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

My Dd really wanted a sibling to play with for years until her brother (my Ds) was born when she was 5. She now does nothing but complain about him!
Should have read the comments first. Same! My ds is 5y 7m and dd is 7 months.
FunnyWonder · 21/04/2021 18:46

Some posters appear to have had an empathy bypass. I remember feeling sad when we just had DS1, longing for him to have a sibling and getting depressed when I saw families with more than one child. I wasn't having fertility issues, but I was in my forties and had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. So I felt slightly panicky, like I was running out of time.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. And your DS is probably feeling more like he wants a little playmate due to lockdown and not being around his friends.

Thanks
Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:46

@ivfbeenbusy

I'd probably move this to the infertility board rather than AIBU

I totally understand how you feel OP - I did 5 rounds of IVF 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics lost both tubes abs spent £35k to give my DD a sibling

Secondary infertility is awful and very painful

Hey @ivfbeenbusy I know you from the infertility boards and you prob know me (name changer!). Congrats on your twins!
OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/04/2021 18:46

Your entitled to feel pissed off OP- have to keep reminding yourself that there aren’t a limited number of babies, other women having more than 1 has no bearing on you.
Your son crying does seem extreme- do you hold play dates etc?

Ellasmummyx1 · 21/04/2021 18:47

@Mickey1234 thanks for sharing your incredibly helpful insight into your own personal struggles with infertility.

Oh wait......Hmm

paralysedbyinertia · 21/04/2021 18:48

Of course the OP's feelings are valid. Infertility is awful, and miscarriages are deeply upsetting. But actually, when I was going through this, I wish people had challenged me a bit more on why I thought I needed to have another child to have a perfect happy family.

There is so much negativity around only children, and that really fed into the guilt that I felt about not "giving" dd a sibling. I really worried about the impact that it would have on her, but actually, she is happy and thriving. And our family is happy and thriving too.

I don't want to dismiss the pain and sadness that the OP must be feeling right now, because I've been there and it's horrible, but in hindsight, I feel like I made things so much harder for myself by focusing on this idea of what a family should look like, on the social norm of having more than one child. I actually wish that people had sympathised a little less and challenged a little more. I wish I had known then that infertility really doesn't have to be a tragedy. That dd didn't need a sibling in order to be happy and well-adjusted. That she completed our family perfectly and that she was actually more than enough to fill our hearts with joy.

Different perspectives can sometimes be helpful.

Boph · 21/04/2021 18:49

You have my sympathy. My dearest friend would have had a huge family but multiple miscarriages meant she got one. I know some have none but it doesn't help you.
Fwiw, the gap now would be too big for a sibling who would play. I have two DC 2 years apart and DC2 used to cry for a baby brother so you can't win!

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