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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:26

@Spied

Your dc crying for a sibling isn't natural ( I'm an only who didn't particularly in enjoy being an only). Your dc doesn't know any different and I think you must be projecting onto them. Do they overhear you talking? Do you tell them it would be lovely for them to have a sibling to play with? Do you make it feel sad that they don't?
No to all 3.
OP posts:
Bearclaw · 21/04/2021 18:28

If your child is old enough to cry for a sibling then you’re probably looking at a 4-5 year gap between siblings even if you got pregnant right now. By the time the baby is old enough to play properly (2-3) your son will probably be past the stage of wanting to play with such a young child. An 8 year old won’t want to play with a 3 year old. A 15 year old definitely won’t want to play with a 10 year old, especially if they’re opposite sexes. Have you considered adopting a child close to your son’s age? As that’s the only way he’s likely to have a sibling to play with.

AliasGrape · 21/04/2021 18:28

Some really dickish replies here. I’m sorry for your situation and sorry you’re feeling sad OP.

We had a bit of a journey to get DD though not as difficult as yours, and it’s unlikely there will be a second. It is very painful particularly as it is not what I wanted for DD.

Crying for a sibling is not at all abnormal - I did it (I had much older siblings) because I used to feel a bit lonely. But it doesn’t mean your son will always feel this way.

There’s a Facebook group called ‘my first my last my everything’ - very cheesy title but quite a helpful group. Maybe look it up.

Telling a woman who has struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages to just relax, be grateful and basically shut up and get over it is utterly twattish behaviour.

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/04/2021 18:28

@Mickey1234 With all due respect you probably weren’t infertile then.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/04/2021 18:28

@greendress789

I think it’s natural to be upset when you see something you are desperate for but haven’t got.
Sorry you are having these struggles and hope your wish comes true soon.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 21/04/2021 18:29

When the Covid restrictions are eased would it be possible to arrange play dates with your sons friends? Maybe try and take a friend of a few days out with you so that he does have another child to play with.

Does he have cousins or do you have friends with children the same age?

After school activities seem to be opening back up slowly, could you put him in some clubs so that he isn't playing at home after school?

Just because he doesn't have a sibling doesn't mean he can't have someone to play with.

I do understand how painful it is to desperately want another baby, I think the jealousy is normal in your situation and will just be something you need to deal with as best you can.

Try and focus on the positive aspects of only having one child. He can have so much more attention and you can really focus on his interests, help him with school work and extra curricular activities. Being an only chicks really doesn't have to be a bad thing and I'm often astonished by how some people find the negatives in it when there are so many more positives.

Also remember your son can't miss what he's never had and there's no certainty that he would even get along with a sibling.

ShyTown · 21/04/2021 18:29

Sorry to hear about your losses Flowers

When your DS cries for a playmate he’s thinking of an instant friend that can join in his games. Even if you did manage to have another your DS wouldn’t get this because his brother would be a tiny baby! My 3YO DD whinges about wanting a friend to play with at home a lot. She is not an only child but her baby brother obviously can’t play with the toys she likes! If your son is very upset about it then it might be worth explaining this to him as best you can- maybe using an example of a school friend with a baby sibling. I am an only child and had a great childhood. My DH is one of 3 but he’s 10 years younger than his closest sibling so didn’t have that experience either. Your son will be just fine as an only!

And you’re totally entitled to feel the way you do - take care of yourself.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:30

To all the posters asking whether we're projecting on to our child. No of course we aren't, who would do that?! Surely you don't mention siblings and play with them yourselves so they don't feel lonely!

Yes my son cries. Not daily, not even weekly. But yes sometimes he does get upset about not having someone to play with at home and he's 7 so at the age where he is aware that proper have brothers and sisters.

He is not wailing every moment of the day and nor am I moping around. Today I just felt it more due to the mum at school which is why I posted on here.

OP posts:
Stroopwaffle5000 · 21/04/2021 18:30

I know two children who cry for a sibling, it's not abnormal at all.

Fightingbeing40 · 21/04/2021 18:31

Some of the comments are very insensitive, if you didn’t have fertility issues no one would tell you you were being ungrateful for wanting another child. I have 2 both Icsi, I went through multiple cycles to have my second and have heard all the relax/be grateful comments. I had almost given up having my second when it happened and I have to say that straight away I felt my family was complete- I understand the feelings you have it’s shit x

tracker222 · 21/04/2021 18:31

I'm an only child and my DS is an only child. Neither of us has ever cried because we had no-one to play with. His 2 best friends are only children too and neither of them seem upset about this.

I'd also love another child, but I'm a lone parent and I've long accepted it won't happen (apparently you need a man :-)). My DS and I are really close and do loads together. He'll happily play on his own or with me.

Even if you had another child there is no guarantee that they would play together. My friend has 3 children who all hate each other and argue constantly.!

iMatter · 21/04/2021 18:32

I'm sorry OP, that's tough

I'm also sorry you've had some seriously wanky top trump lack of empathy replies

Big hugs

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:33

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am reading them all and taking them in. It feels difficult to face life taking a different path than I anticipated and I don't know how to get over it.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 21/04/2021 18:33

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!

Sstrongtn · 21/04/2021 18:33

I’m so sorry this is bringing you so much pain. I do have 3, and while I adore them all and hugely understand my luck not to have that struggle, every now and again I feel jealous of those friends who have one.

There seems such a close bond between them, they can truly focus and enjoy their child and the time they spend instead of wrangling different needs and playing referee in fights.

It must be so awfully hard wanting and being unable to have a larger family but try to not beat yourself up. I wish you well.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:34

@Bearclaw yes I have considered adopting another child. I have a lot of love to give! And this home is a happy, friendly, welcoming and warm one 🥰

OP posts:
BettyButtercup · 21/04/2021 18:34

Sorry you're finding it tough today OP, I get how hard it must be to want something so desperately x

BrumBoo · 21/04/2021 18:34

I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Sorry to distract from the op, but what the actual fuck @Mickey1234? Of all the shitty, stupid things to say to a woman with fertility issues, that had IVF for just one child, this is really the pits. Have you ever heard the phrase 'better to say nothing and thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt'?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 21/04/2021 18:35

OP l went into early menopause after my dd was born and honestly it felt like a bereavement knowing l couldn't give her a sibling. Even now (she is 9), l still have the odd pang when l hear someone is pregnant with baby number 2 or 3 but time has been a great healer and hard as it is, l always try and think of the positives, of which there are many.
It is shit when a decision like this taken away from you but you need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/04/2021 18:36

@Happycat1212

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!
While I appreciate you’re trying to make her feel better this isn’t the way to do it
ChazP · 21/04/2021 18:36

I’m sorry to say that if your son is 7, the idea of a sibling may not match the reality. The age gap would be too big to play together or have common interests. My 2 are nearly 6 years apart and whilst they get on for the most part, their interests are almost entirely separate.

I don’t regret having a second, but going back to the baby stage with an older child is hard work. My friends all either have siblings who are closer in age or have only children, and the freedom they now have to really enjoy their kids while I’m still feeling like I’m fire-fighting can make me envious. I do understand the yearning for another child, but do please think about all the things you can do with your son that you couldn’t do with a baby/toddler in tow. And that will only increase when lockdown ends.

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:36

@Happycat1212

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!
Can I have your other 3 then? 😁
OP posts:
Ellasmummyx1 · 21/04/2021 18:36

Your feelings are valid OP. You can feel blessed and grateful for having one child while still feeling somewhat dismayed that perhaps things haven’t turned out the way you’d hoped.
There are so many benefits to being an only child so don’t worry for your son. I’m sure he’ll grow up and appreciate the opportunities he was able to have compared to his friends with siblings

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 21/04/2021 18:37

And yeah people saying just relax can get to fuck cos that is not helpful- nor is it helpful when people ask when you are having another one. Secondary infertility is awful because you have one, every thinks you should be happy with that, which of course you are but when others get pregnant so quickly, it is ok to feel hard done by x

Original poster
greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:38

For those saying the age gap would be too big, I know! I started trying for number 2 when he was 2 years old 😢

OP posts:
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