Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

I'm going to be a bit harsh here.

Of course you have time when you can shower, for example.

Your DD is 3. You can absolutely take a shower at some point. Ditto planning out a wardrobe, doing your hair a bit & putting on make-up, if you want.

If you want to exercise, you can either build that into your day with DD, walks, park etc or more structured exercise eg a run / brisk walk when DH gets home.

The real question is what's behind how you are feeling? Might you be depressed? Missing work?

Perhaps a good place to start is by thinking what YOU want, and maybe discussing it with your DH, to come up with a plan.

Being at home with a toddler isn't easy - it's busy but not as all consuming as with a baby.

Did you plan to be a SAHM or would you like to work? Either is fine as long as you are happy with it

Start figuring out what you'd most like & take it from there.

Ps re exhaustion, worth checking that out with your GP, to rule out anything else at play.

You just have to prioritise yourself. I'm sure you don't look as awful as you think you do but taking a bit of time for yourself will make everything else in the day seem better. Get up 30 mins before DC and shower, get dressed, put some make up on, whatever you feel you need. I find if I don't do this first thing the day kind of gets lost and it doesn't happen which was fair enough in lockdown though 😂. I'm much more productive if I'm ready at 8am.

I disagree completely with @EarringsandLipstick - my DS was full on at 3 and I struggled to get time during the day to look after myself. He would not sit happily watching the telly etc - and trying to put on make up etc was a nightmare as he'd try to help / get involved. Likewise he wasn't a sleeper so I didn't get the evenings to do stuff for me that other parents did.
but OP - all is not lost - it does get easier and as your DD gets older you will be able to carve out bits of time for yourself. cut yourself some slack.

Can you get some exercise time in when our and about with your child? Maybe if they had a strider you can fast walk along beside them in the park?
It’s head melting when they are this size so I’d suggest you each (you and your partner ) have a day at the weekend for a lie in and some down time to get out for a walk or have a bath etc.

Hi! I’m old, fat, knackered and 30 weeks pregnant with dd2. I don’t own a hairbrush, and live in pjs. I can’t be arsed berating myself for it. I assume things will get easier again at some point.

Respectfully, Trouble if an adult can't manage to shower & have basic self care with just 1 child, that's a problem.

At that stage, I had 2 children & was expecting my 3rd. I worked outside the home, however, so got time to myself that way but it was hard, as I was in an abusive marriage so was coping with everything at home on my own.

So, if OP like Trouble your DC won't self entertain, then you involve them a bit eg do your hair / make up while chatting to them.

Shower before 7 or after 6 when your DH is around.

Ditto reading - you can do that after DD is in bed or on your night off from bedtime.

Getting dressed in the morning is possible regardless, takes a few minutes.

I'm not unsympathetic & of course realise being around with small children is exhausting. But you need decide what you really want & then work out a way to put that in place, which might be returning to work or developing a new routine, or checking with your GP if you might be depressed.

Good luck.

@TroubleUsedToBeMyBusiness Dd exactly the same! She’s v v active and won’t sit still while I do things, I struggle to get housework done etc, never mind things for me. Also not a great sleeper, so there’s no way I’m getting up earlier to work out/put make up on, when those hours of sleep are so precious.

@EarringsandLipstick We go out almost everyday for walks etc, it’s not enough for me to lose weight. I was at the gym a few times a week before, I need to work out quite hard. The thought of going for a run when she’s in bed with Dp after cooking, washing up etc etc, isn’t appealing. I crave those couple of hours before bed just to sit still for a minute. My Dd is full on, I had so much more calm space when she was younger, since she hit 2-2.5, it’s been insane

@RefuseTheLies

Hi! I’m old, fat, knackered and 30 weeks pregnant with dd2. I don’t own a hairbrush, and live in pjs. I can’t be arsed berating myself for it. I assume things will get easier again at some point.

The key thing is how you feel about this. I think that's a sad way to describe yourself. I'm sure at least some of those adjectives aren't true.

If it bothers you, you shouldn't just accept it & think 'ah well'. (If it doesn't, that's obviously fine).

Even when pregnant, I made an effort with hair, make up & clothes. I never understood why being pregnant & having small children meant that I should neglect how I looked. The key thing is I wanted to do this, I didn't feel I had to. If you don't want to, it's obviously fine too.

You have a 3 year old. When your DD starts school you will get younger every year.

I worked PT, if I'd had to stay home alone every day 7-6 with a toddler then the men in white coats would have had to cart me away. Much rather be home with a baby.

Anyway, no-one else can tell you what should make you happy. If staying home isn't working for you then there's no harm in going back to work, so long as you can get a job that fits and put some childcare together. If you're getting no peace at night then you must be knackered so if you have no family suppport/respite at all in the daytime then you might want to consider using a bit of childcare even if you don't go out to work. Or hang in there at home til she starts school (but think twice before having another because you'll be back to square one for feeling old and exhausted)

We go out almost everyday for walks etc, it’s not enough for me to lose weight. I was at the gym a few times a week before, I need to work out quite hard. The thought of going for a run when she’s in bed with Dp after cooking, washing up etc etc, isn’t appealing. I crave those couple of hours before bed just to sit still for a minute

I understand this absolutely!

What I meant was, you can use your outdoor time to be quite active which will help a bit. Brisk walk with buggy to park, run around with DD, walk home - that will make a difference to weight.

I agree that going to the gym is hard at this stage. If you want to lose weight, consider a personal trainer who can help with diet & exercise so it's easier to maximise your time (if this is affordable).

While wanting to sit down & relax is understandable, if you are not showering or making an effort with your appearance (and if this matters to you), you need to prioritise.

At least some days (and weekends) you have hours of free time. Some of that can go to exercise / self-care. You can still have time to sit & think.

It's really about priorities & motivation. Looking at yourself in the mirror & feeling that way doesn't sound good. You don't sound happy. Therefore, for your own well-being, you need to think about some first steps, without putting too much pressure on yourself.

Talk to DH. Check in with your GP.

Can you find a gym with a crèche?
If she's nearly 3 she should get 15 free hours in nursery/ pre-school from September - I know it's a way off but why not sign her up now so you know that there is some respite in sight. Or if you can afford it, why not pay for a couple of mornings a week before she gets a funded place.

@EarringsandLipstick I’m not depressed, I guess I’m just shit! Struggling with only one child, whilst you had 3 etc etc 👏

I do work and have a 3 year old, and I’m a big fat mess most of the time so work is definitely not a panacea.

Also not a great sleeper, so there’s no way I’m getting up earlier to work out/put make up on, when those hours of sleep are so precious.

Try to tackle DD's sleep, with DH. At 3, this should be possible. Do what you need to maximise your sleep (rota with DH or whatever).

However getting up 30 minutes earlier to ensure you shower, brush hair, get properly dressed or whatever would help you isn't adding to your burden. It's only 30 minutes & would help you not feel the way you described yourself.

@EarringsandLipstick But, I don’t have ‘Hours’ 🤷🏻‍♀️Even at the weekend, it’s no break..there isn’t hours for myself

@superking I’m holding onto the thought of a few mornings when she’s at pre school in September, I’m really hoping it will make a big difference

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick I’m not depressed, I guess I’m just shit! Struggling with only one child, whilst you had 3 etc etc 👏[/quote]
That's a pretty mean reply OP. I responded extensively with suggestions. Ones that you could look at if you found them helpful (I understand you might not, I prefaced everything with 'if it matters to you').

I never said you were 'shit'. Quite the opposite, I empathised but you've ignored this.

Also, I'm in no way special or worthy of a 👏 because I had 3 children. I was in a throughly horrific situation at the time so believe me, I know what it's like to be in a very dark place.

I was just trying to help. Not showering or dressing is not due to having a 3 yo. If you aren't happy with your weight or appearance, or time for self-care, I made some practical suggestions.

The snippy reply is uncalled for.

It's tough I spent the 3y.o years in joggers with a pony tail It's not forever.
Now the youngest is 6 there's time to blow-dry my hair put on some makeup.
Try to do 5 x 15 minutes a week, little things wash face & moisturiser Monday, shave armpits Tuesday, deep condition hair Wednesday and so on they add up and help you feel better.

Is she in nursery OP? If not then you will feel a lot better once she starts!

With no family to help, it's so hard.

So many people can give their kids away for a few hours, a few evenings, a few nights even. Until they have experienced what it's like to be utterly alone, they won't know.

Give yourself 15 minutes to exercise daily. And start watching your diet.
Small steps, it's hard because it's slow going, but it will pay off.

I sympathise and I’ve been there with 2 children under 2 and a DH with even longer hours and no family support. I think that as PP said, you need to just take the time, as hard as it might be to begin with. My tips would be:

dump a few toys on the floor of the bathroom for your child to play with while you shower. If she isn’t happy at first, try to establish that it’s mummy’s shower time now - a non negotiable. Put on some semi educational cartoon like Bing if you need to - a daily shower is a must so don’t feel guilty.

If money allows, get your child a scooter and a helmet - that way she can move more quickly and travel for longer on walks and you’ll get some exercise in. I’m sure they’re available second hand from time to time.

Do some online workouts at home. There are some really good free HIIT ones like Heather Robertson on YouTube or Joe Wickes. It doesn’t need to be perfect - I had years of kids clambering over me while I worked out. Something is better than nothing.

If, over the summer, there are any teenage neighbours who you think would be able for your DD (I know that might not be the case during this phase) and if money allows, get one or two 2 hour blocks per week of childcare and don’t feel guilty about it. If that’s not possible now, it will be in the future so don’t despair - kids go through clingy and high maintenance phases which feel like they’ll never end but they do.

Finally, try to establish some habits with your daughter where mummy has some quiet time/mummy time and where she is expected to play with toys or watch a cartoon. It’s good for a child to begin to realise that other people have needs too.

What do you want from this thread? Sympathy? Or Suggestions about how not to be ‘old, fat and knackered’?

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick But, I don’t have ‘Hours’ 🤷🏻‍♀️Even at the weekend, it’s no break..there isn’t hours for myself[/quote]
Well there are? Your DH is there in the evenings & weekends surely?

You can have eg a whole morning to yourself at a weekend? To do what you need?

Evenings - you've 1 child & 2 parents. If he does bedtime, you have the evening free. That is hours, even if you've chores to do. A shower is 10 minutes. Doing your hair 20 minutes. Or whatever would help you.

That's why I suggested a check-in with your GP. In case you were additionally tired due to some physical reason, or in case of PND (I know you said that's not the case).

If you can't see that you potentially have lots of time, then perhaps there are other issues at play? I know I get like that when I feel overwhelmed & can't do simple stuff that in theory I should be able to, but somehow can't.

It will get easier - and fairly soon if she’s 3 already. Hang in there