Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick I’m not depressed, I guess I’m just shit! Struggling with only one child, whilst you had 3 etc etc 👏[/quote]
You are not, but I swear to you you CAN make small changes. Put it another way, if you had another baby right now, you would find the time to take care of them. If you had an older child, you would find the time for them too.

You need a schedule, TOOM style, so don't get drown in chores.

Kids groups will reopen, and you should have nursery free hours.

I hated being at home, work is more balanced for me but I'm still knackered and I'm no beauty queen. But I do have more time to think.

With no 1 I went to a top 5 uni full time with a kid to do a notoriously hard course, and worked part time, and looked after myself. Now with no 2 I'm 13 years older, more tired and he is just a HARDER. Also now my life is more complex, finances more complex, house bigger etc the admin is draining too. I've always forgotten to do something!

I think it's easy to judge but we all have different energy levels, situations and priorities. And kids are so different! DD was a dream, I didn't know why people complained about parenting being hard! I was a smug arsehole! I tell myself this is a phase and in a few years my body will be mine again. Until then I'm going to spend any free time unashamedly sitting on my arse.

The snippy reply is uncalled for.
Hear hear it really was when you gave good advice.
Get up 20 minutes earlier OP. I know you think your DC gives no time when in reality you could easily shift something and make time.
Do they go to nursery? Does your partner work 7 days.

OP - every child is different, every household is different and what works for someone doesn't work for everyone. I agree with @EarringsandLipstick in that it is about priorities - I couldn't be faffed wearing my contact lenses and putting on make up because it was more trouble than it was worth and I prioritised sleep.

I tried going to pilates class - I found it too stressful rushing there and back and then having to still do all the jobs around the house. I didn't find it enjoyable. But I've found something that works for me now .... building my exercise around the school run or in the 45 mins when I finish work and before I do pick up.

Does your partner have the weekend off (or other days off) so you can go out and do exercise? Will she sit and watch telly/ ipad for 20 minutes while you shower?

My eldest was like this but my husband did his fair share so I had a bath when he got home and went to the gym on his days off.

This is probably just annoying of me, and others have had much more helpful things to say!

You’ve kind of made a bargain with yourself, that you had your 30s child free to do xyz, and I guess you now feel the contrast even more starkly. I’m 42 and my kids are now 12 and 7. I had what you’re feeling in my early 30s, although I guess I was younger so had youthful “looking ok even when dressed like shit” on my side!

I’m now in my 40s and able to spend a bit of time on myself - not loads as also have a full time + job, and am a single mum now (divorced about 3 years ago).

However pps are right that you can get some time. You have a partner who is there some of the time. You can get your 3 yo to watch a bit of telly without the world ending. You have time when they are asleep. It depends how much you want to spend it on you. Or you might need to give your partner a kick up the arse - he’s presumably a mature man and must realise your child belongs to you both!

Until then I'm going to spend any free time unashamedly sitting on my arse.

I think this is key. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

It's all about what each person is happy with.

OP didn't feel happy with her appearance / weight today but if she was, then I totally agree, sitting down & relaxing in her free time is 100% fine.

It's just if basic self-care (like showering) is slipping, or someone isn't happy in themselves, that it's worth making changes. Small easy-to-achieve ones!

I thought @EarringsandLipstick advice was quite constructive!

What do you do when her dad is doing bedtime?
I’d get in the bath with a book.

Thanks Emerald 😊

You could do a top down approach - evaluate life, goals, priorities and work that down and down and down to what could be done in the next week.

Or -

You could take a bottom up approach and start by saying you’re going to change 1 single thing in the next week. Like taking a daily shower.

Both approaches might work and I’d possibly go for the former approach as I find that gives the tiny mini goals a greater sense of purpose.

I work FT and have a 5 year old and a 14 month old. My daily shower routine (I have timed it) - takes 9 minutes. 1 minute of dry body scrubbing, 5 mins in shower, including bar soap and scrub. 2 mins towel and body oil - 1 minute spare etc. Really. I have actually timed this.

I’ve been in this boat for 12 months too, I sympathise. Daughter doesn’t sleep through, some nights I’m on the couch. A walking zombie. But I make time to shower, she can sit and cry and watch for all I care. I also got on some antidepressants. I put her in nursery to find time for a job and sleep and clean. I got a full time job today, a really good one. It’s time for ME. She’s going to nursery full time and I know she will love it! It’s definitely worth it.

@EarringsandLipstick To say ‘If an adult can’t manage to shower and take care of hygiene with just one child, then that’s a problem’

Is a helpful, nice thing to say though 🤷🏻‍♀️

How about food? I am assuming you didn't gain weight by eating a healthy diet so I imagine there are plenty of changes you could make. That would be a big step on the way to becoming less fat and knackered (you are not 'old' at 43 btw, I should know, I'm 44!)

Also - just for the sake of argument - what might happen if you took 10 extra minutes in the morning before she awakes - or - after she sleeps at night - or - at a push - take her into bathroom while you shower, lock door and give her an iPad or something she can’t have at any other time?

Do any of these approaches really absolutely not work to generate ten minutes shower time ?

Exercise with her, read with her. Shower with her if you have too. Do your nails and hair together.

@EarringsandLipstick Dp works Saturdays too, so Sun is his only day off, I can’t really then ask for a whole morning off, when he no doubt would like one too! We muddle through that day together and it’s generally a family day, so pretty busy. I have every other night for a couple of hours when it’s dark, my option is to head to the gym then until 10 at night, would I be being lazy in saying, the thought of that after full days f craziness is less than appealing.

@TroubleUsedToBeMyBusiness

OP - every child is different, every household is different and what works for someone doesn't work for everyone. I agree with *@EarringsandLipstick* in that it is about priorities - I couldn't be faffed wearing my contact lenses and putting on make up because it was more trouble than it was worth and I prioritised sleep.

I tried going to pilates class - I found it too stressful rushing there and back and then having to still do all the jobs around the house. I didn't find it enjoyable. But I've found something that works for me now .... building my exercise around the school run or in the 45 mins when I finish work and before I do pick up.

That's a really good post Trouble.

Absolutely it's utterly individual. It's about somehow reclaiming a part of yourself that matters. That's completely different for each person.

I really found it hard to be in a messy house. I couldn't just shut my eyes to it. I focused on keeping the main areas tidy, clutter-free (while having some very messy chaotic rooms that I didn't look at if I could help it).

I completely sacrificed sleep at one stage. Not because my kids kept me up but because I stayed up doing jobs & trying to make everything 'perfect' (crazily). I was a single parent, no family support. Outwardly things looked good, ultimately I became unwell & had to deal with the repercussions of that.

Anyway, my long-winded point being, I might have looked like I'd it together, but in another less obvious way I didn't, and eventually that caught up with me. It's still a challenge today, with older children now but I still have to ensure I exercise sufficiently, eat regularly, sleep or everything goes to pot. I'm better at going with the flow, being more flexible & not trying to 'look' a certain way tho.

Honestly I think the fact your DD doesn’t sleep well at bedtime or at night (if I read correctly) is the real issue here

It’s very difficult to find the energy for anything when you’re getting broken sleep most nights. Especially if the only time you have free is evenings (knackered by then) or weekend mornings (only chance of a lie in).

Hopefully this will change soon. When she sleeps reliably you will feel so different and capable of much more

In the meantime the only thing I would suggest is to try to eat vaguely healthily rather than grabbing carbs/sugar as an energy boost. And do shower - either before DH leaves home or use TV - you will feel so much better and more awake.

@Navigationcentral Yeah, I can shower quickly with her in the bedroom, I’m really talking more about having actual time to take time, if that makes sense? Not rushing through everything to just basically ensure I’m clean, perhaps I’m expecting too much and this is how motherhood is

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick To say ‘If an adult can’t manage to shower and take care of hygiene with just one child, then that’s a problem’

Is a helpful, nice thing to say though 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
But isn't it? A problem?

Isn't that why you posted?

Of course you can have a shower. But the more pertinent question is why you feel you can't.

Look, I'll stop posting as I'm clearly not helping you. Other posters have made good suggestions, hope they help. Good luck 💐

You aren't shit but at nearly 3 she should understand mummy needs some time to herself. Is there a room with a baby gate she could go in and be safe with some toys?
That's what I did with mine when I had to do stuff.
If not, try and hold on until September! Does your partner work those hours 5 days a week? That's a long working week!

Cut yourself some slack. Don't forget, your little one was only 2, presumably, when we were in the middle of a pandemic and (are you in the UK?) locked down for long periods of time. That must have been SO hard! You've probably got yourself into a bit of a rut. And going for a walk for exercise etc has seriously lost its appeal since it has been the only only to do for about a year! Things will get easier - small changes - maybe just leave your clothes out the night before. Shower when dp is doing bedtime. Get an audio book so you can stick the headphones in and listen while relaxing...

Does he work 7-6 6 days a week? They're long hours. Would it be easier if you were working part time so that he wasn't working so much so that you'd both get more time off?

@minipie Thank you, yes the sleeping (non sleeping thing is a big issue) she rarely naps in the day now, that used to be a huge break, if only for 1.5-2 hrs, it felt like a bit of a break. Now she’s very obviously tired but won’t nap, so she gets overtired and the hyper craziness begins. She’s sat now watching a tiny bit of CBeebies bedtime and is calmer and it feels great to have a minute to pause

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick Dp works Saturdays too, so Sun is his only day off, I can’t really then ask for a whole morning off, when he no doubt would like one too! We muddle through that day together and it’s generally a family day, so pretty busy. I have every other night for a couple of hours when it’s dark, my option is to head to the gym then until 10 at night, would I be being lazy in saying, the thought of that after full days f craziness is less than appealing.[/quote]
A quick reply to this one - OP you seem to be putting obstacles in your path with every suggestion

So, take 2 hours on a Sunday, not the whole morning.

Don't do family stuff every Sunday

It's not dark in the evenings now till quite late. Absolutely you have time after DD goes to bed to pick something that matters to you and do it.

Small manageable changes, one 15 min task at a time maybe. In whatever area benefits you.

I know my suggestions haven't helped but others have made some good ones, I think.