Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

It sounds to me like sorting out your DDs sleep patterns could make a big difference. If you've been living with a sleep deficit for 3 years, no wonder you're permanently knackered.

Also starting small will help. Honestly being more active in your daily life so brisk walks at the park - maybe start the couch to 5k app as you could jog around a bit whilst DD walks or scoots - is much better than nothing. It means that when you can start going to the gym again - if you want to - when DD starts nursery you'll have a decent level of base fitness which will help enormously.

Also take a multivitamin every day.

"I was just trying to help. Not showering or dressing is not due to having a 3 yo. If you aren't happy with your weight or appearance, or time for self-care, I made some practical suggestions.

The snippy reply is uncalled for."

Agree. There are myriad ways to bathe and groom even with small children. Take him/her into the bath with you if necessary.

Not caring about cleanliness is concerning.

@dearzooimsickofyou I feel your pain, it's so tough with the mental and physical drain of young children. I was fortunate enough to have an easy first child but once I had the second (bad sleeper) and a 2yr old, I've been where you are. It might not be a popular opinion but going back to work saved my sanity as it gives me me time. Hats off to SAHP's because I couldn't do it all the time. Working 4 days a week with DD & DS in nursery suits me.

Also, exercise wise, I'm the same, I just couldn't get up earlier as DS is up early enough and the thought of it after bedtime would be awful. What I do is go out walks/cycles and have a bike trailer and backpack carrier, so when they get tired, I carry/tow. So although you don't get much exercise whilst they walk/cycle, you do when they take a break. I'm still nowhere near as fit or slim as I was but on a rare day off, I don't feel so unfit. Just an idea! I know that's not for everyone.

I blame the interrupted sleep, it's torture. I don't think it would be so hard of they slept well. Take care of yourself.

Try working out with your DD - I do with my 2 year old DS. Half hour workouts on you tube - Joe wicks, popsugar, hip hop fit, body combat, anything that suits. My DS starts running on the spot when he sees Joe wicks! Burns some energy for them too. You may not be able to go as hard as you would on your own, but better than nothing surely!

God @EarringsandLipstick well aren’t you the super mum? All children and adults are different and cope differently. The OP is struggling with her one, just because you managed with your two you don’t need to look down on her. You’ve been quite rude then when the OP has bitten you’ve tried to admonish her for it. People are different, your situation is irrelevant.

@Dearzooimsickofyou sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. When your DH is off do you get any time to yourself? X

As others have said, those of us who get up early to exercise, or do it in the evenings, aren't superhuman or have easier kids. It's just about different choices and finding a routine.

I know how that sounds, honestly I do. I spent a large proportion of my adult life overweight, knackered, and unable to contemplate how anyone could ever train for a marathon by getting up at 5am to run.

But little lifestyle changes here and there make a big difference. Now I run, I feel much better about myself and I have more energy during the day too. The idea of sitting on a sofa for hours in the evening seems nuts now, but I spent years doing just that.

Start with short walks or c25k, OP, and see how you go from there? Good luck

It gets easier OP. Remember this stage well.

I was a SAHM but had gone back to work at this age because I was bored and needed to be ‘me’ again.

I have twins and was a sahm for 3 years due to childcare costs. Once I could get access to the 30 hours free childcare, I went for it. Any work is a walk in the park compared. 😅 I enjoyed my time at home don't get me wrong, we had wonderful moments but it is full on, hard work and without a community of parents - like in the pandemic - it's almost impossible.

Oh, and by the way, OP, you might want to check out The No Cry Sleep Solution to help with your DD's sleep issues. :)

I may have missed it but why cant your DH take care off DD for just one hour on Sat while you get your hair cut?

DS is 2 and sometimes I dip in the bath with him if I haven’t had the chance to shower that day. I exercise on the weekend morning that it’s DH turn to get up and do breakfast, and I do 15 minute HIIT before he wakes up on two days during the week.
Carving out time for exercise got easier when I went to work and he went to nursery to be honest, so I’m not sure if nursery is an option for you?

I do understand though as when he’s awake DS is constant. He doesn’t play on his own or watch tv. I also take him out for plenty of running around and exercise when I’ve got him on my days off and weekends.

It takes a while to get a routine that works but once you do it’s really helpful for motivation.

I’m not sure how, but trying to get her sleep pattern sorted would be helpful for you. DS is asleep by 7.30 and those couple of golden hours before bed are our downtime. I’m in bed by 9.30 most nights.

It sounds like it's just the toddler sleep issue, and once that's sorted you'll be fine.
You should have time to have a shower, a bit of time to yourself etc, with just one child and no job. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, I just mean to emphasis the impact that lack of sleep can have on a person!

I don't think it is possible to overstate the whole lack of sleep thing.
Over a prolonged period it really takes it out of you.
I was barely functioning for a long time when I went through it.
Sleep is EVERYTHING.
I couldn't believe how well I felt when good sleep resumed.
My energy levels quadrupled.

Years ago a friend of mine had a hyper child and bath time saved her life.
It was her health visitor that mentioned it.
He adored it.
Twice a day she put him in for a goid hour with his toys.
It seemed to really calm him down.
She read and drank coffee, listened to nice classically music sitting on a cushion on the loo.
She loved these times as he happily played independently of her and seemed calmer as a result.
Well worth trying.

Go back to work if you want.
No medals for suffering.
Think honestly do actually want more child.

I know several only children and they are all, without exception great kids.

Think good and hard before doing it all again!

You sound like a great mother by the way.
Trying to sort the sleep by being firmer and ignoring her could really help.

@BibbleBibble

God *@EarringsandLipstick* well aren’t you the super mum? All children and adults are different and cope differently. The OP is struggling with her one, just because you managed with your two you don’t need to look down on her. You’ve been quite rude then when the OP has bitten you’ve tried to admonish her for it. People are different, your situation is irrelevant.

@Dearzooimsickofyou sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. When your DH is off do you get any time to yourself? X

She wasn't rude. She was being really helpful and practical, if the OP just wanted to moan fair enough but if she actually wants to get clean the @EarringsandLipstick gave some brilliant tips.

God @EarringsandLipstick well aren’t you the super mum? All children and adults are different and cope differently. The OP is struggling with her one, just because you managed with your two you don’t need to look down on her. You’ve been quite rude then when the OP has bitten you’ve tried to admonish her for it. People are different, your situation is irrelevant.

This really annoys me. Bibble you obviously haven't read my posts. I absolutely did not 'look down on her'. I offered practical advice, and I also shared my own experience (with 3, actually) which was a very difficult time for me.

I was supportive throughout. Seeing as you are not bothered to read my posts here are examples.

I understand having no help, I have no family close by & could desperately have done with them, especially when my marriage ended & I had a 2,4 & 6 yo to look after.

Small manageable changes, one 15 min task at a time maybe. In whatever area benefits you.

Absolutely it's utterly individual. It's about somehow reclaiming a part of yourself that matters. That's completely different for each person.

The real question is what's behind how you are feeling? Might you be depressed? Missing work?

Perhaps a good place to start is by thinking what YOU want, and maybe discussing it with your DH, to come up with a plan.

Ultimately OP came back & thanked me for my contribution & said it helped.

Maybe you should take some time to read what's been posted before you sneer are someone who was trying to help.

Thanks @Wurrg 💐

@Hadtocomment

You are spot on! Do you know me 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣it’s exactly that..I’m also a person who likes my own company at times and needs to be alone, just to stare into space, think, reminisce etc. When it was just dp and I, I could do that constantly, I like to have space alone...it can feel suffocating at times. Thank you for what you said 💐

Can I just clarify to people that I do shower tho 🙈I don’t want to give the impression I’m not clean, as one poster seemed to think. I shower but it’s literally jump in and out in less than five mins, I don’t have time to care what I class as better care of myself. I’m washed, brushed teeth and hair, the very basics.
Pre Dd I showered, washed & blow dried hair and full make up every morning before work, left for work at 7.45, drove for an hour, arrived home after food shopping etc around 7, went on my bike at home or to the gym, did marking and planning at home (teacher) and was NOWHERE NEAR as tired or blah a I am now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, today we were up and out early ish (9.30) lots of faffing getting dd ready! Walk by the beach and in the woods, drink stop at the tennis club and a play on one of the very few playgrounds open. Didn’t take Dd in the buggy as she’s getting a bit big, but maybe will next time as can’t get a proper walk going as we don’t get very far 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s actually napping now (first time in days and days) so having a little peace (even if it is lay on the bed beside her) will take dog for walk later and perhaps bike ride to beach if Dp back in time. Trying to incorporate as much activity/exercise as I can. Still no make up on but it is what it is

*Take what I class as better care of myself

To be fair OP, you said

I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat.

In your opening post.

You described yourself & your live in stark terms, indicating that you found it very difficult.

It's reasonable for posters to take from that that you are having difficulty even finding time to shower.

I stopped responding directly to you earlier in the thread as you indicated it wasn't helpful.

However, I think you are being quite disingenuous. It's fine to post just looking for sympathy. But you seemed to be asking for advice. Not just my posts but many others offered it. You barely acknowledged those but responded to ones simply agreeing how hard it was.

You've then alluded to posters not being helpful being clear why.

I'm glad your day was better. Your post yesterday sounded very despairing so I was trying to suggest small changes that would help.

@EarringsandLipstick ??? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Have I done something wrong here
A shower does feel like a treat, a proper, normal, take my time shower. I do barely have time but I’m still clean is what I was explaining. I can’t shower every day but I’m not filthy, I wanted to clear that up as I felt a little embarrassed.
I did find your first comments a little harsh but apologised as felt perhaps I was being a bit of a dick. After reading many comments and deciding to get off my arse regardless of how tired I feel and to actively really try to carve out some time for myself, I felt much better today.
So why now a post to make me feel a bit crap again

@EarringsandLipstick I haven’t have time to go through and respond to every comment, wish I could as many were so so helpful, I just respond at the moment I’m in or ones that particularly stuck in my mind.

The comment I’m responding to is

‘Not caring about cleanliness is concerning’

I DO care about cleanliness!
This comment made me want to clear up that I’m not filthy and do shower, but find it difficult to fit in and feel stressed often that it has to be completed in break neck speed.
I’m clean though and do care about this.

So why now a post to make me feel a bit crap again

Oh c'mon OP. How am I doing that?

You are ultra-selective in what you refer to.

I simply explained why people took from your post that you weren't showering. Because you said so!

I repeatedly said that all that mattered was you choosing to exercise self-care, in whatever way that works for you. You kept saying you'd no time, whereas you do.

I said in my last post that I'm glad today's better for you. I am! I just felt a little frustrated at being misrepresented - we can only go on what you say. I didn't think you were being a dick, I just thought you were implying (in earlier posts) that I thought I was some kind of superior being, which I neither said or felt.

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick I haven’t have time to go through and respond to every comment, wish I could as many were so so helpful, I just respond at the moment I’m in or ones that particularly stuck in my mind.[/quote]
I understand. Just that all the ones you replied positively to were ones that were sympathetic & saying how hard it was, and zero replies to the practical suggestions.

If you didn't want those, that's fine of course - you could have said that!