Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

If you can change your mindset a bit then it can help! I used to be in the total mindset of ‘oh well I don’t have time to exercise so I can’t lose weight’ and it was complete self sabotage.

You do have time! Weight loss is 80% diet 20% exercise. As PP said incorporate it into your daily routine. You’re already walking so that’s great. Have a look at what you’re eating and make small changes. You can lose weight without any exercise at all. I felt SO much better after losing weight, it was like a new lease of life had been breathed into me.

@NerrSnerr He does at the moment, they were off for a while at the start of covid so lots of work coming in now

@DangerNature If I could do it with just diet, that would be great, I’m really watching what I eat and we eat healthily etc. I just know pre baby, I generally had to watch what I ate plus workout a fair bit to be slim

I was going to offer some suggestions but by your reply’s it seems you aren’t interested anyway.
Excuses sound best to the person making them

If you’re overweight and you’re not losing weight, you’re eating too much.

I get it OP. I was this exhausted when DC was a baby and when people said things like get up 30 minutes earlier to work out it was hilarious. I was so tired!

It does sound like things are quite OTT right now though, you should not feel like you can't even grab a shower or get some time to yourself with a three year old. It seems to me there are several bigger issues here that need addressing.

Why does your DH work 6 days a week? Is that permanent? Is it his choice, 11 hours 6 days a week? That's not really fair on you.

Have you tried some sleep training? If your DD slept properly, you would feel so much better! She's 3, not a baby anymore.

Can you get the 15 hours free childcare? Or even pay for childcare a few hours a week? Even a few hours makes a huge difference.

I think not all 3 year olds are equal. I got no time with my first (really exhausting mentally) the second is really chilled and I get a reasonable amount of me time.

It is a phase that passes. I think it gets a lot easier at 3, then 3 and a half again and by 5 years they are so independent. It won't be like this forever. x

Ps regardless of how easy the 3 year old is it is very hard to get exercise in. I can go to the park for 2 hours and get no active minutes. I wouldn't know how to apply myself to a class after bed time or before. I have tried putting on tv to do a class and frankly it is more stress then it is worth.

Oh, if my post sounds smug, I am overweight too!

Totally agree with @EarringsandLipstick

I was a single parent with a full time job yet I still managed to shower, do my hair and makeup, exercise and be me. Far too many mums these days use their children as an excuse for their lack of planning and/or prioritising self care.

I was the same OP, it was savage. I did find although it was often the last thing I could be arsed to do, having a bath/shower in the evening once DS was in bed really helped, and just being active when possible. For example, if he was in the garden running around or whatever I'd make sure I was also roaming around rather rather that sitting down watching. My energy levels were much improved with some vitamin B as well.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

This is probably just annoying of me, and others have had much more helpful things to say!

You’ve kind of made a bargain with yourself, that you had your 30s child free to do xyz, and I guess you now feel the contrast even more starkly. I’m 42 and my kids are now 12 and 7. I had what you’re feeling in my early 30s, although I guess I was younger so had youthful “looking ok even when dressed like shit” on my side!

I’m now in my 40s and able to spend a bit of time on myself - not loads as also have a full time + job, and am a single mum now (divorced about 3 years ago).

However pps are right that you can get some time. You have a partner who is there some of the time. You can get your 3 yo to watch a bit of telly without the world ending. You have time when they are asleep. It depends how much you want to spend it on you. Or you might need to give your partner a kick up the arse - he’s presumably a mature man and must realise your child belongs to you both!

But there is only roughly 6 years between the age that you had your youngest and the age the OP had her child. Not that much of a difference, surely?

It's all possible. Bet your dh has time for showers even working 65 hours a week?

You can do a 20min workout with dd in front of the tv. Do that 3 times a week?followed by a shower. which is possible - dd will lily use a tablet for 10mins? If not, her get her in the shower with you in the evening to save bath time. Or get her to wipe the sink down while you shower! Saves a job!

Then get out with dd on other days for a walk. If she won't walk, go to the park and get your steps in walking round the playground in circles while she swings or whatever. And rope dh into a family walk on a Sunday.

Diet is the easy bit when you're time poor. But the rest is completely feasible if you want it enough.

@Dearzooimsickofyou I don't really have any constructive advice but just wanted to say you're not alone

I've got thyroid problems and am constantly exhausted, fat and look like crap every day. Putting a bit of slap on in the morning when I could be getting some extra sleep seems like a waste of time. Some people are just utterly clueless though, judging by this thread!

@Lnix Thank you 💐 We’re not in the U.K., but have had similar lockdowns to U.K. I’m just really thinking a few mornings even at nursery should make a difference

@Doghead

Totally agree with *@EarringsandLipstick*

I was a single parent with a full time job yet I still managed to shower, do my hair and makeup, exercise and be me. Far too many mums these days use their children as an excuse for their lack of planning and/or prioritising self care.

It's almost as if everyone is different, imagine that.

@Dearzooimsickofyou

I like your user name!!

It feels relentless at times and it FEELS impossible to change anything when you're exhausted and you FEEL like no one understands & no one knows your life/your situation.

Hiwever, try reading the thread again later & try to be a little more open to suggestions 💐

Does you gum/another gym have a crèche?

Any local mums who you could swap some childcare with?

Any local park classes where you could strap DD into a buggy with a drink/snack/toy & a promise to go to the swings afterwards?

Could you 'try' getting up half an hour before her fir a couple of weeks. Have a shower or whatever & feel half human before she wakes up. You might find it's worth the 39 minute sleep sacrifice (as hard as that is to imagine).

Could you try going to bed earlier. That 30 mins/hour/whatever of your evening sacrifice might buy you starting the next day feeling better.

Can you let her bring some toys into the bathroom while you have a shower or take her in with you?

But no, it won't last forever and I cannot see how going back to work would help, at all Just hang in there, change what you can, enjoy what you can - it seems fucking relentless at times, but when you look back it's such a short time & most people wish they'd taken taken time to stress less & enjoy it more!

Plus summer is coming & more things to do for fun!!

Take him into the shower with you? I had to do this with DN fairly often at that age as she was quite clingy.

@aliensprig Thank you 🙏 I know, I really feel like I’m pretty crap as I honestly am not making excuses, Dp barely has chance to grab a quick shower either, it feels life is so full on, no way would I be able to cope with more than one if this is how life is with one for me. We’ve never had parents to take them for a few hours or overnight..we’ve never been away from her. I feel it’s unfair to expect Dp to give me hours free on Sunday when he is off, I’m sure he’d love a few hours too 🤷🏻‍♀️It’s just the way life is at the moment I guess

I agree with the getting younger every year your kids go to school from!!!! I'm a sahm. It can be so rewarding but at the same time you get no time for yourself. Simple little steps like people detailed above. Maybe you need something different to this but some suggestions:

A glass of water first thing in the morning
brushing of teeth no matter what but with 3 yo and for fun!!
Simply washing your face and putting on a moisturiser
Putting on jeans/trousers instead of trackies
A nice top
Makeup
Taking a breath outside

After that
Doing a kids exercise time with your child so you can get moving (joe wicks has a 5minute one)
Going for a walk on the nights your dh does bedtime
Getting a proper night's sleep a few times a week
Watching something you used to love/reading something you used to love/listening to music you used to love/starting a jigsaw or craft
Watching/reading something you find really funny and also something really sad (for a good cry!)
Conditioner in hair longer than usual/ blowdrying hair properly/dyeing hair

Having fun time with 3 yo
Enjoying prebed story with 3yo
Enjoying a cup of tea while 3yo watches tv or sits with book during the day
Talking to your gp and also devising the tiny steps you can take to feel healthier (not ginormous ones- you need your energy!!!)
Best of luck OP and you're not shit and it gets easier!

Why not just have a bit of time to yourselves on a Sunday? I often go for a long run on a Sunday morning (about 50 minutes is long for me) and then have a bath afterwards. My husband usually goes to the gym or for a walk about 5pm when the children are eating their tea. That gives us from about 9.30-5 to do what we want with them.

OP, I’m a few years older than you with a child of the same age and I totally understand. My DS is full on. I can’t go to the loo alone and he’s only
Just starting to chat to me while I shower or else I had to wait for my partner to be home to watch him. He’s so clingy and always has been. He won’t go to the loo or upstairs on his own either meaning I’m always on the go too. Thankfully I’ve never cared for my appearance. I do exercise but it’s in my sitting room and I leave my son with an iPad to entertain him for an hour on the sofa while I do it.

I never believed people who claimed not to get a minute to themselves because my other child was so easy to raise and was happy to entertain themselves so I got lots done, including a degree. With this one he hates not sitting on me or touching me to ensure I’m near. It’s draining but I promise you it doesn’t last and I’ve allowed it because in a few years he’ll not want to hug me anymore or spend time with me. Hard to reconcile when I’m at my wits end but in the lovely moments I remember it doesn’t last

My routine when dc were toddlers. Get them dressed I used to lock my bedroom door so she would stay in the bedroom/bathroom with me. I would take a few toys and she would play with them whilst I shower. Brush our teeth together with the timer and put dd's hair and my hair.

Make beds, and tidy upstairs. Other dc now getting ready for school.

Downstairs dc's breakfast, and I used to sit with her whilst she was eating, and do my make up. It only took at the most three - five minutes, mascara and lip gloss, a sweep of blush and a blitz of scent. Everything in the dishwasher, put it on. Washing machine was loaded night before, put washing on.

School run.
Home - eat something and then out for a walk or to a tots activity. Or we would play at home.

Home for lunch and story time on the sofa. Rest for 45 minutes
DD's quiet time of watching TV for an hour as she was tired after a whole morning out/doing things. I would do household jobs for an hour. Prepare supper

Collect other dc from school. Homework and dinner served early. DH's in the oven if home later.
Bath and story time, baby massage and bed for 6.45pm latest. 7pm I would be sat down with dh for dinner.
Twice a week I would go to an exercise class - Friday and Sunday when dh was at home to care for dc. Saturday mornings was my morning off. Dh would take dc riding. Sunday dh would relax and have a long lie (his choice rather than a morning off) all up by mid morning for a family day out /walk etc.

If dh can't help, then use a nursery or childminder for a few hours so you can have a break. This is definitely doable with a good routine and a bit of help.

Op are you in a position to send her to nursery /pre school now and just pay for it?
Maybe dd is bored and needs some outside stimulation- l mean that in a kind way and not saying you are boring but they have curious little minds and brains like sponges.
I sent my dd to preschool as soon as she turned 2 and those 3 hours twice a week were amazing

This thread is so odd! People with completely different experiences telling the OP she can just do things they’ve never done!

OP, I’m one of those who had a full time job when my eldest was 3. It was only when I went back to work that I had the mental space to address things like diet and exercise. For me, work was much much much easier than looking after a very demanding small child. I think the best advice probably comes from people who were SAHMs for the first three years, rather than those of us who have no experience of the relentlessness of full time parenting at that stage.

@Stinkywizzleteets I notice the difference with friends kids, many are more calmer, less demanding, I adore her but she really requires me so much, not in a clingy way but she’s just so excited and interested in everything, but it’s pretty relentless!