Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

Failing all else, I used to love playing with dc in the bath. Just have a bath every evening together.

Also plan your whole week's wardrobe washed and ready to wear on Sunday night, just as you would for work. So you do not need to think about it. And do the same for dc. It is worth planning and organising this properly. I had a 'working wardrobe' and choose things that were comfortable and practical, but not trackies, as this would make me feel scruffy. I would always wear nice clothes, as it makes you feel better.
Find your style that fits in with your lifestyle.

If you have an active child, then make the most of it in terms of fitness - you can walk for miles and get her running. Swimming etc.

@DangerNature I’m logging it all on My fitness pal, but even in younger years I always needed to get on the treadmill, exercise bike etc. I think I probably need to drastically reduce my food intake to see even a small difference

Any Sahm’s happy
Not until they went to school

Being a sahp is shit! It’s the worst of both worlds. You are literally on call 24/7. Nothing is ever good enough and you get practically zero thanks.

A big turning point for me was when my youngest could open a closed door. Game changer.

Now I swim every week, get coffee, shop and run my own business on a part time basis. Life’s better.

@dreamingbohemian Thanks, yeah she’ll be in nursery part time in September 🙏

They had to close during the start of covid so now have lots of work, he can’t not work it (can’t just refuse to his boss)

@EasterEggBelly There really is no break, is there 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️I know dps working life is hard, but he still has that one hour lunch break to sit quietly if he wishes

If you don’t want to run in the evening then go early in the morning before your husband leaves for work. I run at 5-6.30am because that’s when I have child and work free time to do it. It might not be pleasant to start with but as you lose weight and get fitter you will start to enjoy it I promise. It’s just getting over that initial bit where you’re working hard but not yet seeing the results. I get the exhaustion, I’ve been there. You are putting everyone else first but yourself and you need to prioritise your well being too.

My time saving tips op:

Once a fortnight tint your eyebrows and eyelashes. Home kits are actually much easier than you'd think and much cheaper than having them done.

After you wash your face use a BB cream. Erborian BB Cream is fab, you just chuck it on like moisturiser. It makes you look much more fresh and glowy. I find it a decent timesaver when I don't have time for actual makeup and it really makes a difference.

If your hair is dry or knackered go to sleep with coconut oil from halfway down to the ends once a week.

Get gousto boxes. Massive life saver for dinner, saves on time, shopping, calorie restricting and measuring everything out. It's done for you. Once you've found a few you like batch cook and freeze them.

I got one of those small flat treadmills you can slide under the sofa. I do an hour speed walking on that when I can, you can do it in your pjs, if the weather is shit and you can't be arsed to get outside.

@2021ishere2021 Thank you, they are all so different, she’s amazing, very bright, very fun, but never stops!

@Dentistlakes That’s incredibly! I honestly can’t imagine getting up at that time to run, I honestly don’t think I could get my head off the pillow, I barely sleep. See then I see people doing this and think I really must be lazy or something. It doesn’t sound easy to me at all

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]**@EarringsandLipstick To say ‘If an adult can’t manage to shower and take care of hygiene with just one child, then that’s a problem’

Is a helpful, nice thing to say though 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
I completely agree with you. I thought @EarringsandLipstick original comment was very judgmental. I completely understand where you are coming from.
I

@EarringsandLipstick Your suggestions have helped, I’m sorry, I honestly can’t see much time to do things, but I’ll have to make it somehow and dig deep
Thank you for the advice 💐

@Dearzooimsickofyou, christ i remember this so well. Its utterly exhausting. Its the never having help bit, no family nearby to give you a break, give you a bit of a lift. Especially when all around you see grans with the grandkids, the parents getting a rest.....
Its relentless and soul destroying. It will get better, when nursery then school kicks in. You'll have a chance to get a cup if tea in peace then!!

Until then, give yourself peace. You are not shit, not at all. Please believe that!!!

Op, forget about the exercise for now. It’s clearly not enough of a priority for you to make time for it until dd goes to preschool. That said, do look into the option of preschool because many toddlers need more than just mum for entertainment by this age. And consider sleep training if her sleep is really poor. 3 is more than old enough to get tough.

But in terms of self care do now, you clearly need to do something, because you’re feeling so rubbish.

Try and get into a routine of doing the following for 10 minutes each day.

1. 5 minute shower.
2. 2 minutes to dress in something that is not PJs. Jeans and a vaguely inoffensive top or something. Categorically no loungewear, leggings or joggers-all three will make you feel fat and shit.
3. 2 minutes to comb your hair.
4. 1 minute to powder your nose and apply mascara. If you get speedy you might even manage a slick of eyeliner.

I hear you, I will make any excuse in the world not to exercise but I genuinely believe that if you can at least do the above you will feel so much better. Do it daily, first thing in the morning, every single morning without fail and DD will get used to it. If necessary strap her into a buggy and give her a favourite snack whilst you do it. She might protest initially but if it becomes a daily routine then she’ll get used to it.

My cast iron rule in nearly 17 years of parenthood of three DC has always been to at least do the above each day because failure to do so would mean a slow slide into depression. That basic, basic self care is so important.

Good luck.

Could you have a relaxing bath while DH does the bedtime?

As suggested, planning your clothes might help. I started doing that when I went back to work. White top? Put a white bra on the hanger with the top, put that next to the skirt/trousers/leggings etc.

Re food, lots of veg instead of processed food? Obviously I don’t know what are eating usually so sorry if this missed the mark.

Also, remember that this will pass. Once your DD starts school you will have time for yourself.

Hi. I understand how it feels to have a full on toddler as I was in your position a couple of years ago. It does get better when they go to pre school. Mine went 3 mornings a week to begin with. One morning I had just for me and I'd either chill out on the sofa or do my nails or have a shower shave and moisturise, things just for me. On another morning I'd do the shopping and on the third morning I'd do housework. Having a little routine for each of the days made sure one morning was just for me

For now I'd advise trying to get to bed at a decent time, make one positive change to your diet and don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing a good job

@Lovelovelove21 It did make me feel a bit crap! That I wasn’t able to even get the basics done, think I might be feeling a bit defensive though perhaps 🤷🏻‍♀️Do I need to get my act together, or is this normal?!

What do you do all day that you cant shower, get dressed, make up etc.
At that age my routine was.
Get up.
School age children got dressed. Toddlers played. I showered and got dressed. Baby in baby bouncer/ cot.
Breakfasts.
I put on make up while offspring played.
School run.
Playgroup.
Lunch
Park with friends /soft play
School run pm.
Etc

Do you carry your child constantly? I think also current idea is they dont see you unclothed? My kids saw me unclothed when they were under 3.
I think I never closed a door to shower, bath, poo or wee! I had stairgate and they played on same floor when little. Its 24/7. You have to live. Youre not a robot.
I was and am single parent.

@ssd Thank you, that’s really kind

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@DangerNature I’m logging it all on My fitness pal, but even in younger years I always needed to get on the treadmill, exercise bike etc. I think I probably need to drastically reduce my food intake to see even a small difference[/quote]
If you go on a BMR calculator then you can find out the amount of calories your body would burn just lying in bed all day. If you reduce this by say 250 a day (depending on how much and how fast you want to lose weight) then you should lose weight. If you are weighing out everything you eat and tracking it and still aren’t losing weight then it might be worth seeing a GP. Under active thyroid could explain that and also explain why you are extra knackered.

I don't recognise the woe-is-me attitude. Since ds's born, in fact before that, all my life, I've always taken time to prioritise myself. I think this is all a mental attitude. You can easily change this.

Oh, another very boring thing I've done for myself that really helps is getting one of those old people pull dispensers and once a week put in it my prescription pills for each day, plus vitamins and some hair skin nail supplements!

I could never be arsed opening 4 different bottles of vitamins every day so never bothered/remembered to take them. Now they're in a daily pill dispenser I just palm and swallow that days pills. Vitamin c and d, and biotin have really helped.

@Lovelovelove21

You obviously didn't bother reading my pretty extensive posts then.

I explained fully what I meant. And I stand by it.

I also offered empathy, understanding & suggestions, all ignored by OP, and you, apparently.

@FlyingPandas You’re so right 💜

She’s not yet 3, she turns 3 in the summer, she starts pre school in September for a few mornings. We have play dates etc (recently starting again after lockdown) but she’s v sociable and energetic so definitely needs it!

Its not woe is me. Thats so unkind. Its an exhausted mum who doesn't get a break laying bare her feelings. Knocking her for that is just awful, and so not in the spirit of this site.

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick Your suggestions have helped, I’m sorry, I honestly can’t see much time to do things, but I’ll have to make it somehow and dig deep
Thank you for the advice 💐[/quote]
Sorry OP, I didn't see this before last post. I'm glad the thread has helped & good luck.