Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

it has to be completed in break neck speed.

But it doesn't? 🤔 that was the gist of many replies about how it was truly possible to have a proper shower and take care of your DC. Compromise not needed!

@EarringsandLipstick Jesus. I didn’t realise I was being selective in what I responding to, I appreciate all helpful advice given!
Thank you

@EarringsandLipstick For me, yes, the majority of showers do need to be completed in break neck speed. My Dd won’t sit and wait etc etc, I explained all the reasons why it was tough and many agreed and were in similar situations. Some weren’t, the point I’ve taken from it is about all children being different, all situations different and the lack of sleep having a huge bearing on things.

@Dearzooimsickofyou I totally feel your pain. My two kids nearly killed me for the first three years. Went back to work when DD was 3 years old and DS 18 months... it was like being on holiday going to work!! Seriously..

I don't want to hijack your thread or seem like I'm having a go, honest.

But all that you've said re your DC not sitting still, sleep deprivation, why would your shower need to be at break neck speed if you have it before DH leaves for work or when he comes home?

I still think saying a 10 - 15 space of time to properly shower etc is impossible (or has to be rushed through) is a bit mad. There are opportunities for you to take this time but you don't want to acknowledge that.

I'm going to 🤐 now as I don't think you really want all these posts from me (which is fair enough!)

@EarringsandLipstick I’ve responded to all these points/posts already though! I’ve acknowledged them and said my reasons, mainly in response to time out to exercise etc too, not just all about a shower

I did say I'd 🤐 but I'm just curious. I re-read your posts (procrastinating from doing a work task here!) & you don't address the points.

You sounded so miserable in your OP. But when it was pointed out to you that you'd the option of time for exercise, time-out or other self-care you just rejected it.

I'm not saying you need to do anything you don't want to do. But if it would make you feel better to exercise, read or just catch up on sleep, those opportunities are available to you. It's just a matter of working with your DH to structure it. A different mindset, I guess.

@EarringsandLipstick I didn’t reject all ideas at all. When certain things were put to me, the things I couldn’t do at present-Dp works 6 days a week, have no family here etc..I wasn’t saying those things to make excuses, I was being honest.
I did take lots of points on board and today made some small changes and felt ok with them for the moment until I can try to work out a way of incorporating some more time, when dp is able to stop working on a Saturday for example.

Anyway, I’m not here to argue or to try to defend myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

God I fucking hated looking after toddlers (someone's got to say it )

Hang in there OP it does get better - I think people divide into two camps - those who prefer parenting toddler age DC, or those who prefer teenager age DC (I'm the latter). Of course there is always the 0.01% of people who love all stages of parenting but let's ignore them . I was a shit parent to young DC and toddlers but I like having older DC. It's much more fun.

Have to say though, I agree with earrings that you need to be a bit more assertive about your own needs and even wants (I hate the expression making a rod for your own back - but I think women need to really try and PUT THEMSELVES FIRST. As PP said, your DH gets to shower every day. I bet he doesn't have half the feelings and guilt and inadequacy that you do about parenting. It doesn't come naturally to us because patriarchy (especially around parenting!) and we are schooled it's selfish (oh and also vain and shallow) to want a long shower. Or an hour to read a book in silence. You are not being selfish wanting these things. Do not feel guilty - have them!

You'll hate me for this but-

"My whole day is obviously filled with her, breakfast, clean up, tidying, shopping, out for walks, play (it’s easier when we’re out but can’t stay out all day) lunch, clean up, tidying, play, art & craft, reading, stories, dinner, clean up, making lunches, paying bills, cleaning, bath, pjs, reading, tidying, tv for a couple of hours..some broken sleep...and so it begins again."

"TV for a couple of hours " God knows I understand the temptation but if you use this time more wisely it would pay off. If you and your DH have a couple of hours each evening free and one day a week - in a month you could spend two days as a family, one you have a whole day/morning to yourself and one for your DH too.

I won't comment much on your daily routine as I have forgotten wiped from my mind what toddlers were like but I know I didn't spend that much time clearing up! (Can you leave it to the end of the day and spend 20 mins doing this with your DH?) Also things like "paying bills" there is no need these days for things like that to be a large time hoover. Sort out direct debits etc.

Be more selfish (and don't see it as selfish see it as having good boundaries and a realisation of your own importance as a person as well as a mother). You and your DH should have equal disposable income and equal disposable leisure time so make sure this is equal too!

PS they grow up really quickly. It'll get better!

OP I know what it's like to have a whirlwind child. What kept me sane was the fact that dd was at nursery 4 days a week from age 9 months. Even after 9 hours at nursery, she would still want to go to the park to burn off more energy.

It must be really tough to be a sahm to such an energetic child, especially during the last year with lockdown.

Can she do some nursery hours?

It gets easier when they start school.

Yes, I don't see any mention of using TV to keep her occupied for a bit. I happily used TV as a babysitter and didn't care. The Teletubbies saved my life! These days perhaps moms are keen on cutting screen time, but honestly, if it gives you time to read a book and take a long bath, please do.

Actually @EarringsandLipstick I have read all your posts. I’m still reading all your posts. I think you’re being goady and rude. OP said she did shower and you came to throw her words in her face from her opening post. There’s just no need. You’re coming across sanctimonious to me. OP asked for support, I don’t think your posts have been supportive, they’ve been ‘well I did it with even less help so what’s your problem?’. I’m just telling you how it’s coming across to me.

@Dearzooimsickofyou I’m glad you got a little break today - hope the dog walk and bike ride go well. X

If you're getting very little sleep, that makes it almost impossible to get your act together, OP. It's easy for people to say "You've only got one child, how hard can it be?", but 3 children who sleep must in some ways be easier than 1 child who doesn't. I had a baby and a 3yo, but both my dc slept through from about 12 weeks and were quite calm children. It makes a big difference!

@BibbleBibble

Actually *@EarringsandLipstick* I have read all your posts. I’m still reading all your posts. I think you’re being goady and rude. OP said she did shower and you came to throw her words in her face from her opening post. There’s just no need. You’re coming across sanctimonious to me. OP asked for support, I don’t think your posts have been supportive, they’ve been ‘well I did it with even less help so what’s your problem?’. I’m just telling you how it’s coming across to me.

Well you clearly have reading comprehension issues then Bibble. I even quoted parts of my posts to help you, and you've ignored those.

Take whatever interpretation you want. It says a lot more about you than me, that you can call me 'goady', 'sanctimonious' and 'rude' and so badly twist my words & intent.

It's nothing at all like 'I did it with even less help'. Maybe re-read the part where I became seriously ill & was falling asleep on the kitchen floor. I most certainly wasn't coping then.

You've been deeply unnecessarily unpleasant to me, in addition to unfairly presenting my position.

@EarringsandLipstick I don’t think I have been unnecessarily unpleasant. I’m calling you out because you keep going back to take snipes at the OP. Even after you said you were going to shut up, you read back on all her posts and had another dog at her! She said she feels crappy and you’ve picked and picked.

Dig, not dog

OP if I may.
I think all the advice and twisting from people can be summarized as:
You are a person. You need to start having some - any - boundaries with your child.

[quote BibbleBibble]@EarringsandLipstick I don’t think I have been unnecessarily unpleasant. I’m calling you out because you keep going back to take snipes at the OP. Even after you said you were going to shut up, you read back on all her posts and had another dog at her! She said she feels crappy and you’ve picked and picked.[/quote]
I think you are being unnecessarily unpleasant and I've told tot why.

Talk about an absolute sympathy & comprehension deficit on your part🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not 'taking swipes' at OP. I'm pointing out that despite her claim that she can't take any time for herself, she really can, for some reason she doesn't want to. Others have suggested similarly (you don't seem to be attacking them).

I went back, as I said, out of genuine interest as to why she might think that.

I've really no idea why you're targeting me, and yes, being deeply unpleasant with it.

@BibbleBibble Thank you 🙏

You need to start having some - any - boundaries with your child.

Well summarised Bonheurdupasse

But even without too many additional boundaries, OP has a partner home each night & on Sundays, and hours at a stretch to find time for herself, in a way that helps her. She needs to figure that plan out with him, of course, but the time is there.

If you want to go back to work in order to feel a bit more like yourself again then do it. It could work wonders! I'd have hated to be at home full time with small kids. I couldn't have done it.

Nice OP 🤔 a thank you to a poster who's spent the last few posts intentionally misrepresenting what I said, and offering no actual advice to you.

Nicely PA of you.

[quote Dearzooimsickofyou]@EarringsandLipstick I’m not depressed, I guess I’m just shit! Struggling with only one child, whilst you had 3 etc etc 👏[/quote]
IMO going out to work was much easier and more enjoyable when I had very young DC
I looked after my appearance as I needed to be presentable. I had lunch and coffee breaks and an hour each way commute to read. It was bliss compared to my at home days when I had toddlers.

Similar boat here with one and a half year old! Up a lot in the night and so can’t really afford to get up earlier than when I start with from home as run on empty half the time as it is ha ha! Due my second in four weeks or so and starting to think I’m mad 😂😂😂 but i can totally relate to the hair and make up I’m lucky if I get some on at the weekend lately! I do think things will get easier for us in time! It’s a bit crap though isn’t it!!!