Old, fat and knackered.

[Dearzooimsickofyou]

Me.

43 years old with a hyper almost 3 year old Dd, just caught sight of myself in the mirror with my baggy jumper, pj bottoms and hair in desperate need of cutting, up in a messy bun.
I have zero time, I brush my teeth and brush my hair each day, that’s generally about all. A shower feels like a treat. I have no time to workout, no idea when I ever would, or time to read or...think.
I used to be fairly good looking, had interests, was interesting, now I’m just exhausted, scruffy and a mess.
We have no family to help/babysit. Dp works from 7-6, comes home and we take it in turns each night to do the bedtime. She doesn’t sleep easily, so it’s the majority of the night gone.
Would I be better being back at work?
Any Sahm’s happy?
Will this change??!

I have an autistic 2 year old so we do have some unique challenges but for me, I get ready when he is eating breakfast with the TV on, it's a very quick affair but I'm fine with that. I could get up earlier but like you I'm tired and I struggle. I do my beautiful skincare regime each night which makes me feel so pampered. I exercise when my son sleeps, it's not enjoyable but I have chronic pain and it's more treatment wise but it's so tough.

I suppose I'd think of it in small bits. Can you be sure to have a 10 min shower? Could you do some nice skincare at night? On a Sunday morning could do some exercise? Could you buy a couple new clothing items that make you feel nice or accessories?

Will your DH be working those hours indefinitely they sound crazy long?

Not RTFT but I have been a SAHM with a 2 yr old and my family 3700 miles away. DH worked 8 am to 8 pm. My DD was a terrible sleeper. I am not going to tell you to do the other stuff, but a shower everyday is a bare minimum and will make you feel better. Can you take DD in wt you in the bath? Or get up just 15 minutes early? On the weekend your DH needs to take over. Mine used to give me all Saturday off which I used to attend a book club, go to the gym, and meet friends.

I’m finding that you can only breathe a little and maybe prioritise myself now that they are school age. I work school hours apart from 1 day and my god do I love that day. It’s ok to be a mess when you have little kids, mine loved to follow me around constantly and ‘help’ with everything. Some kids are more exhausting than others!!

The term after she turns 3 you should be eligible for 15 hours free childcare - this was a lifesaver for me when my DC were small.

OP you sound very much like I was. What made a difference was when mine reached nursery age but even then it wasn’t until school age that I had any time. My little ones were both difficult to get to sleep and in the end I had to stop comparing myself to all those whose little ones slept through the night etc. Hang in there they are little for such a short time in the end us all I can offer.

It is a choice. A good distraction is a basin of water with toys on a towel in the bathroom while you shower.
It is about choices and priorities, surely your partner can do two bedtimes a week.
Lack of general hygiene is really bad for your health, my DS is a rocket I understand it he has autism too, if you're so overwhelmed you can't find time to wash your partner needs to help more on top of work.

[quote Thesheerrelief]@EarringsandLipstick some days it was just surviving. I fell asleep on the floor once when I was starting to transition DS into his own room. I still remember the first night he slept for more than a couple of hours. In a way it feels like I'm just emerging from that fog now that he's three but I had to have structure to my day or it all fell apart.[/quote]
You're amazing 💐💐

Not to compare, as it's not the same. I became very unwell at one point - single parent, 3 kids, working full-time ... I couldn't stop, was constantly 'going'.

At my worst, I would fall asleep on the kitchen floor in the early hours of the morning & sleep for a few hours. Somehow I'd get up, kids up, work etc. Luckily my GP picked up on it when I was in for something else, and was very proactive with medication etc. In a few weeks I was out of crisis mode & a bit more 'normal'. I'm so grateful to her for getting to me in time.

Anyway just shared that to say I understand that exhaustion.

You are not old! And being ‘fat’ and knackered are things that can change.

Don’t compare yourselves to others and speak kindly to yourself. All of us handle life’s challenges in ebbs and flows. Some weeks or months I can handle 2 children, working full time and a mostly absent DH, no sweat, all plates spinning. Other times I can barely get it together to get out of the front door!

This is a phase, it will pass.

Thank you for the kind comments.
I have to say though, in some ways I’m feeling crappier than I was and some comments have reinforced my own feeling of being not good enough at all this.
I feel like a couple of posters have literally just come on to say their massive struggles and to compare and say how they still got up and got on with it, as though I’m weak or sort of pathetic to not be able to do the same. I don’t think it’s helpful to compare lives, after all we all have our own issues and no one knows exactly what’s going on in someone’s life.

But thank you to those helpful and kind comments, of which there are a lot. I’m going to actively make the decision to make things about me a little more and let go of trying to make it all about my Dd but with nothing left for me

@Dearzooimsickofyou

Thank you for the kind comments. I have to say though, in some ways I’m feeling crappier than I was and some comments have reinforced my own feeling of being not good enough at all this. I feel like a couple of posters have literally just come on to say their massive struggles and to compare and say how they still got up and got on with it, as though I’m weak or sort of pathetic to not be able to do the same. I don’t think it’s helpful to compare lives, after all we all have our own issues and no one knows exactly what’s going on in someone’s life.

But thank you to those helpful and kind comments, of which there are a lot. I’m going to actively make the decision to make things about me a little more and let go of trying to make it all about my Dd but with nothing left for me

OP there are no parenting medals handed out at the end of all this (there is no end!). We are all just muddling through.

You are having a hard time right now and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head yourself; a child is of course a mother’s priority, but we aren’t required to sacrifice all of ourselves at the altar of motherhood. Make time for yourself, put yourself first once in a while and invest some time now in your future health and happiness.

I think you need to prioritise sleep and getting her to be more independent.
You might be in a good routine for sleep but you need to find a way of helping her get to sleep more quickly.

You remind me of my friend, she always said her child was lively, non-stop etc but I felt she was unwilling to use words some patents don’t want to use with their children ‘no’ or ‘wait’! You need to help her entertain herself for short periods. I’m a Nursery teacher and see many obviously loved children who have clearly never been asked to wait and they struggle to adjust to a pre-school setting where they can’t demand to be heard immediately and whenever they want! It’s hard to get them to play independently but not impossible!

Dearzooimsickofyou I have just read the whole thread and I thought the vast majority of posters were trying to be helpful. It wasn't what you wanted to hear so you took offence. People use their experiences to give context and show that they have empathy. It's not meant as a comparison and shouldn't be taken as such.

Ultimately it's hard and it's knackering but it's not going to change unless you actively do something to change it.

I can’t believe some of the responses you’ve had!

OP, when my DC were little when DH came in the front door, I’d head straight out for a walk or up to my bedroom for 20 minutes of peace.

Can you get your DH to do bedtimes so he gets to hang out for a bit with his DD and you get a bit of relaxing time before your evening?

I ignore all suggestions if getting up ‘earlier than DC’. I struggle to get one DC in particular to stay in bed past 5.30. I am not getting up earlier than that.

💐

I sympathise, OP. It will get better, and you will be able to get up a bit earlier to shower, or exercise, or read in the evenings, but not until she’s sleeping better at night. You’re at an exhausting point. Wait it out, I promise it gets better!

My 3 yr old ds loves time in the bath, I've switched his bath time to morning rather than evening now. He can happily spend a good half an hour in there so while he's in I get dressed, do my hair and put my make up on in the bathroom. I found bath time of an evening felt like a chore after cooking dinner, doing dishes etc whereas now it's much more relaxed and like I say gives me that time to get myself ready while he's occupied. If your little one enjoys bathtime then this could be an idea for you too

@Dearzooimsickofyou Have you seen a GP? Many of your posts sound exactly like I was when I had two under two....and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Everyone assumed the exhaustion was normal for a mum of young children...I was ill.

Worth investigating?

the vast majority of posters were trying to be helpful. It wasn't what you wanted to hear so you took offence. People use their experiences to give context and show that they have empathy. It's not meant as a comparison and shouldn't be taken as such.
Exactly what I wanted to say. I was unsure about how to word it without causing offence.
I hope things work out for you, don't be afraid to let DC entertain themself even YouTube is acceptable when you need a shower, I'm yet to meet a DC who doesn't like sneaky phone or tablet time.

Mine are a lot older now but like a pp said do bathtime in the day. A cafe bath as it's known in our house. Plastic teaset/Tupperware and let her create. Maybe a doll that can go in the water so she can serve the doll in the cafe? Move would stay in for a good 3/4 hour and you can be in the room/just outside chatting to her and getting a breather too.

Are you entitled to even a few hours of nursery time? If so, I'd take advantage of that. The age of 3 is full on, they can be relentless. However, you also seem to be in a very dark place right now, stuck in rut that is doing you no good. You can't change everything over night, that's too much pressure on yourself! Start by being kinder to yourself. Then start making healthy choices re food. Then start reducing the portions massively. I know you said you lost weight before DD but that would have been more than 4 years ago and our metabolism goes down the toilet around 40. So you'll have to reduce calories quite drastically to lose the weight.

I felt I had to comment on this thread as I read your post and really liked you from it. I have no kids and you make me look incredibly lazy in comparison - so I hope that makes you feel a bit better. I am a person who needs a lot of staring into space time and - frankly - time to myself also to think. I understand people are just trying to help and be practical with lots of talk of schedules and organisation but what I'm getting from your post is you just want a bit of space and time. I hate the way people start judging themselves - or competing even - about how good their schedules are or whatever. Don't get me wrong - I admire all this organisation immensely. But human beings are about more than organisational tasks. You sound like you're just wanting some time to yourself. Some down time. A bit of respite from the relentlessness. You sound like you've lots of great qualities from this thread and also managing brilliantly with a lovely but energetic and demanding toddler and a partner who works 6 days which must leave you so little time together. So not sure why you seem to be judging yourself! Compare yourself to me instead. Now I'm Definitely rubbish!! I have no excuse. And I don't feel bad about it at all! I admire anyone looking after a toddler all day. I really do. I don't think that would be easy at all. YOu made me laugh and empathise and you sound like you have a good line in self-deprecating self-awareness. I bet you're entertaining to know as well. It's just sad you are putting yourself down when you are obviously doing marvellously- just feeling a bit tired and fed up and wanting to express that on a forum rather than - maybe - getting a long list of rescheduling solutions. Although it's kind of people - I didn't get the impression that was maybe what you were looking for.

Anyway - to go against the grain - who cares if you're showered or your hair's a bit messy or whatever? Who cares if you've got make-up on? As for the old thing- Hang in there! You've got a toddler. Toddlers were invented to make everyone feel old!

Noone seems to have actually answered your question. I'm not a mum let alone a sahm so I'm supremely unqualified to answer it but maybe if it is all feeling quite relentless - why not explore your original question - would going back to work make you feel better or more varied? Is there part-time options? Maybe you feel too tired to contemplate it at the moment - but perhaps just a change of scene part of the week would be refreshing? A change as good as a rest sort of thing. Perhaps being in a different context for some of the time would be refreshing or balance things off? Only you know your circumstances on that.

On the self-care stuff. A lot of people here seem to be concentrating a lot on grooming. But I can feel really urgh and my sleeping gets worse etc if I've been doing dull or repetitive routine tasks but not really used my brain enough - and I don't mean doing complex maths or something. Just reading something interesting, researching something related to my interests etc. Even just listening to something really absorbing or interesting on the radio. Absorbing the brain in something that isn't just routine tasks is all I mean.Giving it an active rest. I liked the post above about getting the time to dive into a bath with a book for example - relaxing to body but also mind! Maybe allowing yourself time for a good book or to relax listening to music or whatever it is for an actual set amount of time - might help feel like you're more than a set of tasks and routines. Somehow crashing in front of the tv doesn't tend to relax the brain as much I find although obviously I do this!! - but I'm just thinking of trying to carve out some quality time for yourself. Self-care is also about doing something you really want to do and like to do and is about the mind too is what I'm trying to say.

Your kid sounds great and happy. You sound fun and self-aware. It's maybe a matter (for the moment or until you've decided on whether the SAHM thing suits or not) of carving out that bit of time - even if just a bit at the weekend or whatever - just allow yourself to do exactly what you want to do - not what you feel you ought to do. In fact I think it's an important lesson for kids to realise their mums have their own interests too. Do something properly selfish/indulgent/engaged and enjoyable even just for an hour or whatever at the weekend - rather than dutifully getting up early to put make-up on! (Unless you really enjoy that obviously and if that's your thing then do that. But somehow I'm getting the impression you'd really rather have some time for other things...) Do something even if it's an hour or two a week you totally totally enjoy with no pressure from yourself to be this perfect person.

OP, I don't know if my experience will help, but another perspective.

When my DC1 was a toddler and I was on maternity leave with DC2 I was like you, DC2 was a dreadful sleeper and napper and I was really struggling. I posted in a parents forum regarding DC2's sleep issues and the general situation and got a load of suggestions, but I couldn't act on any of them and the other posters got rather exasperated with me. Roll on a few months and I was out the other side, at which point I realised that the suggestions didn't work because my kids were too young to reason with, I was at the mercy of their natures, I couldn't dictate and all I could do at the time was just hang on in there and survive that stage. I think it would have helped enormously if someone had been able to tell me that at the time.

For you, I think you're at that stage and you just have to hang on in there until she starts nursery, at least you have an end point in sight, which I didn't. :) In the meantime, make sure you wash your face, brush your teeth and get dressed in the morning, do this before your DH goes out to work if you can't leave DD unattended, and settle for a shower and hair wash on the nights when your DH is doing DD's bedtime. :)

For what its worth a shower is the absolute minimum for me. Makeup and hairstyles can come later when you are more on top of things but personal hygiene is non negotiable.
At 3 your DC can well understand the words no and wait, might be a bit of a pain in the arse whilst they adjust to mum no being at their beck and call every second of the day but they will soon get used to it.
If you were working would you go into the office unshowered? No? Just because you are home doesn't mean you don't deserve the same respect you would give your colleagues.

You do have time to exercise, do home works outs while your child is there, it's annoying to stop if they need something but perfectly doable, run with a buggy that's what a lot of my friends do and I did. There is more than enough hours in the day to shower, exercise, cook clean etc if a sahm you just need to organise yourself better .

Do you have any local buggy boot camps? I used to do those when my children were young. I now just go for really long walks with the pram and an odd run here and there when my 3 year old is at pre school. Treat yourself to some nice makeup/clothes - always makes me feel better about myself even if I don't wear them that much.

OP

I totally understand. I only had one and felt the same as you, she was a very demanding child (still is!) and needs attention constantly, will not play on her own at all.

Do not blame yourself. Kids are different. Some of my friends kids are happy to play alone, sit in the buggy for ages, have siblings to play with.

The only thing that saved my sanity was when she started nursery and now she's at school it is definitely better.

Once soft plays open up that might give you time to catch your breath.

So no real suggestions for now, but solidarity! And know it will get better.