Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

I don't think it needs to be a competition... both her parents have passed and she's understandably upset, it doesn't really matter what ages, it's still a horrible loss. As is yours.

Well, technically she is as she doesn't have any parents left. It might seem a little odd as she's an adult but she's grieving FFS. Let her deal with it as she wants.

I'm sorry things were so tough for you at a young age, but I hope to Christ you haven't actually told her that she should be grateful for having had so many years with her father (with the implied reminder that you didn't). It's not the Misery Olympics or a competition as to who has more 'right' to be sad.

Well an orphan is defined as a child whose parents are dead. So no, she's not an orphan. She is, however, entitled to feel orphaned as she's clearly grieving.

It's not really something to be competitive about, I don't think.

She's technically correct but MIL sounds completely insensitive to say that in front of you OP.

Sorry should have added, she really didn’t like her dad. As I said she wished him dead for years.

2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.
you sound really lovely🙄

I see what you're saying. At the same time, losing one's parents is a big deal at any age. Overall, I think YABU, though I'm sorry for your losses.

I don't think it achieves much to try and play top trumps with this sort of thing. My dad died when i was 13 so how would you feel if I said you've got nothing to complain about as you had both parents till you were an adult? Does it make your loss any less?

My husband was a babe in arms when his father died, funnily enough we've never had a competition about it.

An orphan is a child whose parents are dead. An adult whose parents are dead, that doesn't have a word, because it doesn't need one, it's what happens to all of us eventually unless we are unlucky and die young.

I mean you're not going to say that to her, right? But I can see how that must get right up your nose.

It depends.

My late husband pulled this ploy at age 57, 6 years after his mother died. But he did to get sympathy from me so that I wouldn't make him get up out of bed and go to work after one of many booze binges. I wasn't impressed.

But everyone has a right to grieve over their parents. My dad died in 2016, my mum 3 years later. They were 75 and 78, so no spring chickens. I was still sad. I suppose the difference is that I don't make a production out of it.

It doesn't matter, you can't use that as a reason you're worse off. If anything you still have one parent and she doesn't, so getting into a pissing contest over it is immature and unnecessary. None of what's happened to you Is her fault, I'm sorry for the things that have happened, but your rage is misdirected.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry should have added, she really didn’t like her dad. As I said she wished him dead for years.

Sometimes that makes it harder though, because you'll never be able to find a satisfactory resolution to that area of your life. My grandfather was horrendously abusive to his children growing up. My aunt, justifiably, hated him and went NC as an adult. My DM forgave him and visited monthly. However, my aunt found his passing much harder to deal with than DM did, because DM felt that she had no regrets, whereas I think my aunt wished it could have been different, though it was in no way her fault.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry should have added, she really didn’t like her dad. As I said she wished him dead for years.

This is really about the fact you don't like your MIL, I think.

@Anycrispsleft

An orphan is a child whose parents are dead. An adult whose parents are dead, that doesn't have a word, because it doesn't need one, it's what happens to all of us eventually unless we are unlucky and die young.

I mean you're not going to say that to her, right? But I can see how that must get right up your nose.

But lots of people do actually feel like that and when they are grieving is anyone going to start an argument about how they are allowed to feel?

The death of a parent you had a difficult or complex relationship with can be harder to process sometimes than if you'd been close, as there's a lot of extra emotional baggage involved. For that alone YABU. Her dad has died. Let the poor woman deal with it as she wishes, it takes nothing away from you or your experiences.

I have voted YABU OP. Losing parents is a horrendous time, no matter what your age. She is entitled to her grief.

My dad died when I was 13 (lung cancer) he had been ill for some time.
My mother died 3 days before my DD was born then 18 months later a miscarriage at 15 weeks. Life is a rollercoaster as the song goes. I did grieve but felt I had to get on with things.

1. If she really did hate her dad but is making a fuss now, that is probably annoying. However the death of family member you had a bad relationship with can be weirdly upsetting in itself, so bear that in mind.

2. You've had a very rough time of it, but you might want to think about counselling or something to reconcile/deal with your feelings. It's not really healthy to get furious over other people's bereavements. (It may be understandable. But not healthy.)

3. Age really has nothing to do with it. I'm nearly 50, my dad (sole surviving member of my birth family) is in his 80s. I'll be on the fucking floor when he dies, however old I am when it happens.

I'm 48 and lost both of my parents last year. Even though my mum had severe dementia, and my dad had been ill for ages, it still kind of rocked my world to now have no parents or older relatives. I wouldn't have described myself as an orphan, but when someone used that the other day it did really resonate.
Give your MIL a break

As someone who was 'orphaned' at 54, I would say that is totally different from losing your parents as a child or young adult. Of course it's sad and painful, but it is the natural order of things and something you know you are likely to have to deal with in your 50s/60s.
Also, at this age, you have plenty of life experience and maturity to help you deal with it, and very often your parent has become dependent on you, rather than the other way round.

You MIL deserves sympathy on the loss of her parents, but it is very insensitive of her if she is comparing her experience to yours, imo.

She should be more sensitive to your situation but it's hard to lose a parent no matter what age you are.
When people lose parents they don't get on with they often grieve for that lost relationship as much as their death.
As PP said, it's not a competition. Cut her some slack and show her some support.

You sound delightful.

It doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your parents, it bloody hurts. Having a poor relationship makes the loss harder not easier. I'm sorry you lost your mum do young but you really do need to get over yourself. This post isn't one of your finest moments.

They say that when you lose a parent you had a poor relationship with or who wasn't a good parent, you grieve the parent you wish you'd had. Maybe she's sad about that

I couldn't get wound up about her using the word to describe herself - it's a strange feeling to suddenly realise you're the oldest generation and theres noone 'above you' as it were. I think it can feel disconcerting even if you didn't have a close relationship with your parents and whatever age you are.

I was actually orphaned- lost my birth mum at birth and my dad at 12, though the parents who brought me up (I say adopted but I wasn't ever actually, just brought up by other family members who I thought of as my parents as well as my actual parents) stuck around a bit longer - till I was 22 and 32 respectively, but when I lost my mum at 32 that was the first time i thought of myself as an orphan really. I didn't describe myself as that to all and sundry but I had that feeling of being adrift even though I was technically an adult.

Whether you're being unreasonable depends on a whole host of things, but she can still be grieving even if the relationship wasn't good. In some ways that's harder.