Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

My parents both died when I was in my 40s. I don't think I've ever described myself as an orphan as I do tend to think of a small child when I hear that word, but I did feel a real sense of loss when I no longer had parents. Then when my last surviving aunts died soon afterwards the realisation that I was part of the "senior" tier of our family, that a whole generation was gone was quite upsetting, both because it meant that anything we didn't know about them now was gone forever and because it meant that the next funeral was likely to be one of my siblings or cousins. I'm sure it isn't the same as losing your parents as a child but it doesn't make it a trivial loss and people grieve differently.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but grief is a complex thing and you cannot dictate or judge someone on how they react on someone’s death op nor can you make it about you. 💐

Your MIL isn't a child, so she cannot be an 'orphan'.
She may feel like one but she isn't technically.
But if you actually have been and have never received kindness / even acknowledgement of it and then your MIL starts saying she is one aged 50 odd I can see how that would stick in your throat somewhat.
Perhaps she just isn't very sensitive in general?
Ultimately you have to let her get on with grieving however she sees fit.

To me an orphan is someone who lost both parents and still need to be cared / adpoted and provided for not a 54 year old .
Each to there own

I am so sorry you lost your parents so young. My dad died when I was quite young also and I have suffered other losses as I failed to have birth children.

I am not your MIL but I lost my mum when I was 54 too, and was so grateful to have had her in my life for so long. However, I have felt "orphaned" - although I would never tell anyone because as I say I was so lucky to have her beside me for 54 years. As an only child with no biological family at all, I have felt completely alone since then. There is no one who I look like, no one I can do the "do you remembers" with, or no one who knew me as a child. I had no idea of the intense loneliness I would feel, and how disconnected from the human race as everyone I know seems to have biological relatives. So although I have not voiced it to anyone, and I wouldn't ever do that, and would not use the word orphaned, I do understand a little of how your MIL may feel.

OP

I think you're getting a harder time from some on here than you should.

She's not an orphan and whilst she has every right to be sad and grieving it is very insentive to bang on about the death of her detested father when she was 54, to someone who lost a fully fit dad at 16 and a mum at 19.

I would not be surprised if seeing your father post-stroke is in many ways worse than had he died.

You were left "parentless" (pretty much) when you were barely into adulthood - she is misdescribing herself as an orphan despite being nearly into old age and having kid(s) and grandkid(s) to console herself with.

I have every sympathy with you and little to none for her, and that's without thinking about the fact she detested him anyway.

And FWIW I am pretty damn certain that I would have been MUCH more hurt and affected if my mother had died when I was a child than I was when she did die. And I will be even less affected when my dad dies because he's had a good 80 years on the planet and I really don't see the point falling apart over something inevitable happening fairly deep into old age.

Am surprised by the split of the vote, she's ridiculous to call herself an orphan at her age, I would find it annoying and dramatic

I agree it may sound ridiculous, which is one of the reasons I would never use the word myself. However, it is not perhaps so ridiculous to feel that way. As I explained in an earlier post at aged 54 I have silently felt totally alone in the world since my mum passed away. If anyone ever asked me I would say how lucky I was to have her for so long, but inside I now feel alone in the world. Or maybe I am being ridiculous to feel that way as well? Either way I would never let anyone know my feelings because that would be unkind to others who have suffered far more earlier losses.

What a delight you are !!!

Being an orphan is a psychological state as much as anything. ButI agree, it's a bit daft. My parents were dead by the time I was 26. I found it odd then to be called an orphan, despite it being a matter of fact.

I was an 'orphan at 44, so not a child, but 10 years later many of my peers have at least one parent still living. Ok I wasn't a child,but getting tobbthe st age where you've lost both parents is difficult. No-one to clarify history with, no generation between me and death......

I'm quite pragmatic and one of the 'death happens to all of us' brigade but I took as while to adapt. I

A friend of mine said this yesterday. His mother died last week (his father died some years ago). He's nearly 60! It's not that strange a thing to say, even if it's not technically accurate.

And I will be even less affected when my dad dies because he's had a good 80 years on the planet and I really don't see the point falling apart over something inevitable happening fairly deep into old age

You have absolutely no idea how you’ll feel. Nobody does until it happens. And whether you can see the point of it or not, a lot of people fall apart when their very old parents die and it’s perfectly natural and normal.

My mum is an only child and lost both her parents in a short space of time in her 40's.
One thing I remember her saying is that she was now an orphan and even though she had my dad and us, it made her feel alone in the world

Age isn't relevant with grief and if your MIL wants to quite rightly call herself an orphan then I think you are being unreasonable in resenting her feelings

My birth parents died in an accident when I was an infant. I lost my adopted parents, with whom I had a complicated relationship in my thirties and fifties.

How upset am I allowed to be OP?

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

It wasn’t even that she said it in a sad way, she was joking and laughing. When it’s been the anniversary of my mums death or her birthday she’s always said she lost her mum at a young age so knows how it feels. She was 40 so I suppose it is young still.

I’m not a horrible person.

I think this is the nub of your upset. That she cannot see the difference between losing a parent at 19 or one at 40. Having lost my dad when I was a few years younger than you, I totally understand why her comments irk you so much. It is different when your parent dies when you are so young, especially with your dad suffering such trauma and both physical and mental disability.

It’s not the normal and accepted order of things. People commenting at having lost their parents when they were older really are missing the point. My father never saw me get one qualification to my name, never saw what became of me, never saw me settle down and never met my child. He is just not here. And I was a child. And now I’m older than him when he died.

Must be scary to lose your parents at any age, even if you disliked them. As though there’s no sky above you, sort of thing.

Technically neither of you are ‘orphans’ because the term applies to children, but I would never begrudge anyone using the term. The loss of a parent is brutal and tbh I think you need to be kinder to her.

UNICEF and global partners define an orphan as a child under 18 years of age who has lost one or both parents to any cause of death.

Me and my sister have joked about being orphans. It's black humour. That's more likely if you have had a difficult relationship with the person. This is her situation and she isn't being mindful of yours, because occasionally it can be about other people. She shouldn't have to permanently tip toe around you. Perhaps get your DP to mention it to her If it goes on.

I think you might be thinking that feelings and emotions change as we age. They don't.

In your 50's you still feel lost, confused, grief stricken. Just because you are grown up with grown up children it really doesn't change at all.

I assume it is the same for people in their 80's.

It is one of the most surprising things about ageing actually. You still feel exactly the same as when you were 30. Or even 18 in some areas.

Sorry, but I think YABU. I've no parents or grandparents left and it can really hurt. Grief isn't a competition.

@JediGnot despite being nearly into old age

Fuck that!!! How bloody rude. She’s in her fifties, not 70s.

I can also vividly remember when my DM's Dad died her being absolutely distraught that she had no parents left and she wasn't at all close to him. It took her really be surprise.

I'm completely with the OP on this one. It is worse to lose your parents when you're young, of course it bloody is.

@PembrokeshireDreaming

UNICEF and global partners define an orphan as a child under 18 years of age who has lost one or both parents to any cause of death.

That's nice for them. Other opinions are available.