Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

@ZaZathecat

As someone who was 'orphaned' at 54, I would say that is totally different from losing your parents as a child or young adult. Of course it's sad and painful, but it is the natural order of things and something you know you are likely to have to deal with in your 50s/60s. Also, at this age, you have plenty of life experience and maturity to help you deal with it, and very often your parent has become dependent on you, rather than the other way round.

You MIL deserves sympathy on the loss of her parents, but it is very insensitive of her if she is comparing her experience to yours, imo.

I found the opposite, my dad died when I was 13, was horrible I was upset still miss him but when my mum died I was 48 and devastated. My husband was a baby when his dad died so has no memory of him.

An orphan is a child whose parents are dead. An adult whose parents are dead, that doesn't have a word, because it doesn't need one, it's what happens to all of us eventually unless we are unlucky and die young

That's pretty insensitive. I was an adult when my parents died, in that I was 18 and 22 respectively. I guess to you that's nothing of note though and I should not have thought of myself as an orphan and should have just got on with it.

ancientgran but if you had actually been orphaned as a child, as in both of your parents died by the time you were 13, don't you think that would have had a bigger effect on your life?

I think I know where you're coming from op, though I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. The fact is, you feel like you've had to grow up very quickly, actually losing one parent fully when still technically a child, and another being so very unwell. It must be grating hearing someone use what must have sounded like a somewhat juvenile term about losing a parent, when one can assume from the ages mentioned her parents lived to an 'accepted' age.

Ultimately though, she's lost a parent. People deal with it in different ways, and she's reflective of her self - no longer someone's child. I think at any age, that is a difficult feeling to deal with. Even if you didn't like the parent, you always on some level want to be someone's child and feel 'looked after' by a parent. Any of us who've lost a parent under any circumstance can understand that, how vulnerable you can feel when you realise you mum/dad isn't coming back. So whilst I don't think you're unreasonable about the term 'orphan', I do think some understanding about the feelings behind it is needed here.

@ZaZathecat

ancientgran but if you had actually been orphaned as a child, as in both of your parents died by the time you were 13, don't you think that would have had a bigger effect on your life?

In practical terms yes because I'd have had to leave my home, hope someone would take me in but mentally I'm not sure, my mother and I were close as adults, we were friends as well as parent/child so totally different but what is the value of deciding who should be upset and how and who is allowed to be the most upset? We feel what we feel as we are human and not programmed robots.

An orphan is a child whose parents are dead. Not adult. I know this as my son asked me the other day and we googled it😂

She isn’t a child so she isn’t an orphan.

She is grieving though, even if she had a hard, complicated relationship with her parents.

I lost both my parents within the last two years, I genuinely feel orphaned. I had a complicated relationship with my mum but it doesn't mean that those feeling are any less real. Let people grieve however they want, it's not a competition, and trying to one-up in the grief stakes just makes you look like a dick.

its strange not having any parents after 50 odd years, that part of life has gone and the realisation of our own mortality

but stating your an orphan at 50 odd is a bit odd, orphan is a word to describe a child. could fit be that MIL is badly describing the above?

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry should have added, she really didn’t like her dad. As I said she wished him dead for years.

Both of my parents died when they were young. Even in circumstances such as those you describe, a death can be an emotional ambush.

Death of a family member is hard. I think when you don't have a good relationship with the parent it can be just as difficult as if you did have a good relationship as any hope that you could one day have a good relationship is gone. It is a different type of grieving but one nonetheless. If you want to get technical about matters she is not an orphan nor indeed are you. Your pain and her pain are different.

Technically she is an orphan so yes YABU. It’s not a competition. An ex of mine was an orphan by 32 but never mentioned, obviously he acknowledged it was a fact but never really talked about it

An orphan is a child whose parents are dead. Not adult. I know this as my son asked me the other day and we googled it😂

Yes, it's hilarious when peoples parents die, isn't it? Nice pmsl emoji. Also, adult orphan is a thing. Google that.

Actually YABU. My mum died 11 years ago and my dad a few months ago. That feeling of when your last parent has gone is very strange, and at times I have said that I feel like an orphan.

Your situation and hers is totally different. Its very sad you lost your poor mum so young, but we always feel cheated no matter how old they were and how long we had them, always wanting a few extra years.

But then I don't know your MIL, she may be milking it like a daily milk cow!

I understand that your situation is wildly different to hers. But she is allowed to grieve. Sometimes it’s the most difficult and complex relationships we grieve hardest because we mourn not just what was but what might/should have been in the relationship. Go easy on her. Get support for yourself if you need it. It’s profoundly world rocking to lose your parents (either to death or illness) at such a young age and it would be odd if you weren’t still processing that on some level. Go well.

Don't get too angry, but lines of text can be orphaned too you know OP! The 'cut off' - 'separate from' part of the meaning is being used in that case.

Yes -we usually mean children (under 18) whose parents have died but we are always 'children' of our parents - to any age.

There is no competition here. I'm sorry for your loss and for hers. Grief is grief - I don't think it comes in degrees... even if it should.

Facing the death of someone you were angry/impatient with is not necessarily easier to bear.

you are lucky to have many years with your parents
By the sound of it, you had parents you love/loved; your MIL didn't have that. So not quite so lucky.

You're sad about having lost your parents, and your MIL is being a bit clumsy not taking your early loss into account. But obviously your past is not the first thing on her mind, now. You could cut her some slack with this.

I agree that calling yourself an orphan at that age is strange, if not silly. I'd say once you've reached adulthood, using the word "orphan" for yourself is a tad bit dramatic. Of course it's painful to lose a parent, at any age, but I'd privately (very privately!) roll my eyes over any talk of being "orphaned" as an adult.

Try to ignore her, OP. You don't have to understand or agree with her way of grieving, but there's nothing to be gained by letting anyone know how you feel, in this case.

Did you see Prince Charles' face at Prince Philip's funeral, he looked pretty devastated to me that he had lost his father.

I lost my DF 3 years ago, he was in his 80s, I too was devastated and still find it hard now.

Losing a parent is hard whatever age you are.

Do you normally get on with your MIL?

If you want to get absolutely technical with definitions, then no she isn't and orphan. You aren't either by pure definition.

However she is grieving and allowed to feel orphaned. Someone who's parents die at 17 (1 month before their 18th birthday) is technically an orphan, but if their parents died a month later they wouldn't be by definition, they are still allowed to feel the same way.

From your OP it sounds like you are the one getting competitive with grief, not her. You seem to resent her describing how she feels because it some how takes away from what you went through. But it doesn't. She is allowed to grieve in her own way.

Also it's very crass to say she's 'lucky'. Luck is subjective to how we feel in the moment. Someone who goes through losing their parents in their adulthood and experiences crippling grief may think someone who lost their parents before they could remember 'lucky' because they never have to experience that devastation. But it would still be crass and unkind to say so. Grief isn't a competition. Death sucks for the people left behind no matter what. Let her be sad. Allow yourself to be sad if need be. But don't go getting competitive or cruel about it. You don't get to dictate how she feels.

My mum died last Friday. My dad in 2008. I'm 55, due to have cataract surgery next month and have been describing myself as a blind orphan to anyone who will listen

My DM died when I was young. My DF then got a new girlfriend within 6 months and emotionally moved on, so it was like I lost him too. I get upset now when friends complain about their parents being too present/involved in their lives and I can’t be upset when an old person dies.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP, but in your shoes I’d just let your MIL get on with her own pity party.

Grief isn't a competition.

I'm 30 and both my parents are dead, I do feel a bit like an orphan in that I don't have a parental guide in life any more, but I know my experience is totally different to someone who has lost both parents as a child under 16. I've jokingly referred to myself as an adult orphan but I would never seriously consider myself that compared to a child.

I can understand why you feel this way OP, and your own losses must have been really tough, but how a person chooses to grieve is their own business.

I'm 53, I still have my mum but not my dad, and when my mum goes I will consider myself an orphan. Adults can be orphans.

There's a whiff of ageism about your post tbh.